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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dh to have fewer nights out since ds was born

35 replies

mrsflux · 19/02/2010 14:38

Background. Ds is 10 mo and pretty easy going really with the exception of his recent phase of waking at 5ish. I'm at work part time in a stressful job I dislike.

I'm miffed at dh as he has not cut back on his nights out since ds was born. He goes out at least 3 nights each month. The aren't usually boost nights out but they are evenings and weekends when I'd like some help/ break from ds/ company. I think I've been out 3 times since ds arrived and get 1h to myself a week at pilates.

what do you think?

What really got me was him asking about going to football match next wed eve over an hour away. Despite the fact that we'd talked about it earlier and I explained calmly how I felt.

OP posts:

choosyfloosy · 19/02/2010 14:42

I can only respond for myself really - I would focus first on getting more nights out/time out myself, before cutting back on dh's time out - I think you've got a serious imbalance in time off there. I would start exploring babysitters (or get dh to) so that at least one of those nights out a month can be together. If money's a problem, a babysitting circle can be great.

I don't myself think 3 nights a month is bad - I went out a lot more than that when ds was a few months old, although I wasn't breastfeeding by then.

Are you more upset by not getting enough time to yourself, or more upset by dh not wanting to spend the time with you?

ButterPie · 19/02/2010 14:49

I was expecting you to say more than 3 nights out a WEEK! DP does have too many night out imo (although he doesn't call them nights out as they don't involve nightclubs - he just goes to the pub ) but he goes to the pub for at least one pint most nights of the week.

I think maybe you should concentrate on getting your turn (if you want it) Would you rather go out by yourself or with DH?

Me and DP have Thursday evenings to ourselves - he works the early shift so he is finished by five, I drop the kids (2.11 and 0.3) at the inlaws with some expressed milk, and we meet in the city centre for a meal in a pub, our evening class, then a pint or so in a pub before picking the baby up. We're back by 10.30, but it is so valuable to have time together.

Ziggurat · 19/02/2010 14:56

Agree with the others - I'd focus more on getting him to babysit so that you get some time to yourself, instead of curbing his nights out, as 3 a month isn't unreasonable.

DH has completely cut down on the nights out he has - but then so have I! Our nights out before DS were pretty much always together, whereas now we have to take turns.

It's not unreasonable for him to want to go out every now and then but what's good for the goose is good for the gander - you should have equal time off.

mumblechum · 19/02/2010 14:56

He had to ask you if he was allowed out to a football match? .

Agree with others that it doesn't sound like he gets out much at all, and that you should be working on going out by yourself maybe 3 nights a month if equality is important to you, and definitely have a couple of evenings a month when you do something togethr.

mazzystartled · 19/02/2010 14:57

So long as

he is generally otherwise doing his share of the household stuff/parenting
you can afford it

and

you get to go out regularly too

YABU

If he's at work every bedtime, does stuff all round the house and his nights out leave you too skint to do anything anyway then YANBU

Maybe you should also think about changing your job, because I think being miserable in one area of your life tends to impinge on others.

Original poster

mrsflux · 19/02/2010 14:59

you're probably right about the imbalance being the thing.

i think i'm partly miffed that i'm not getting out - my friends all have babies/ kids so it's not easy to sort anything out.

the babysitting is really hard though as we have no family nearby and friends are either clueless (dh's) or have babies themselves and don't drive so would be a real hassle for them to come over to baby sit if i was to go out with dh.

OP posts:

mazzystartled · 19/02/2010 15:01

Also if you go to pilates once a week- presuming this is an evening class - you are going out more than him - ok it may not be anything wild but it is a regular thing that presumably he accomodates?

ButterPie · 19/02/2010 15:01

Would they have to come over? Can the baby not go to theirs?

D0G · 19/02/2010 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

traceybath · 19/02/2010 15:03

Try Sitters for babysitters.

But agree - 3 nights a month isn't much - just make sure you get out as well.

Maleeka · 19/02/2010 15:05

I agree totally with you DOG, i'd love it if my OH would go out more, but he's a real homebuddy. If mine went out 3 nights a month, i'd be gobsmacked!

ButterPie · 19/02/2010 15:07

mrsflux - have you thought of an evening class? I found mine through the WEA, it isn't working towards a qualification, it is more of a discussion group really, about the local history of human rights. Mine cost me £3 for the entire course as we have an income of under £15,000, but I think even the full price was something like £50 for the full 12 weeks.

Are you near a big city? What kind of thing do you enjoy?

bubblagirl · 19/02/2010 15:09

when i had ds i didnt want to go out and leave him my desire to go out was there i just couldn't bring myself to do it dp went out roughly the same as your dh and i felt left out and resentful

but in all honesty he wanted me to go out also but i just wouldn't when ds was a yr old i found the desire to go out and we arranged sitter and had meal together then he watched ds while i went for few drinks with my friends also mums its easily sorted if you all arrange together a good weekend for all and then again when all out for next night out

he really isnt being unreasonable you still have to have other interests and 3 mights in 4 weeks is very little compared to some who still insist on every weekend all weekend

the issue here is about you needing to get yourself back out i started with an hr then 2 then upped each time until i was more comfortable

also we have no baby sitter any more so we take it in turns well actually i go out way more than he does but thats his choice he works a lot and long hours and rarely gets the flat to himself to just relax when ds is in bed i go out maybe months apart or twice a month or 4 times he goes out every few months

get some friends together plan in advance and have fun

bubblagirl · 19/02/2010 15:11

to be honest it made my dp happier to see me go out and enjoy myself he really likes that im happier for it

Original poster

mrsflux · 19/02/2010 15:12

no i suppose 3 nights isn't that much - it's all relative

mumblechum - the match is in birmingham, we live in bristol so he'd come home at 5, collect car, go out and get home at 11ish. essentially we wouldn't see him at all that day.

mazzy the pilates is early on sunday morning 9-10 and 5 minutes form home so i'm out for 1h20 max and ds is asleep for half of that usually.

butterpie - the hassle of taking ds out to a strange house, with travel cot etc, settling him for sleep in a strange room and then putting him in the car, taking him home and then re-settling him again at home is not worth it. we tried similiar thing at new year when we went to a friends and it was a disaster! if they'd been babysitting they'd have phoned us to get him before 9!

tracey i'm probably being over protective of pfb but i can't leave him with a stranger yet

OP posts:

choosyfloosy · 19/02/2010 15:17

mrsflux, the pilates sounds like a good basis for a morning off. after pilates, what about going somewhere else for a coffee and the papers, plus lunch out (or take a sandwich) with a trashy novel? roll home about 3??

mazzystartled · 19/02/2010 15:18

well the pilates doesn't count then!
but dh still has to commit to being home and looking after the boy at that point.
the point at which I realised I could actually pay someone to babysit gave me my life back! if you use a nursery would one of the workers there be able to sit for you (we do this), or find a neighbouring teenager. Childless people from work also often keen.

TheChicOfIt · 19/02/2010 15:18

I don't think 3 nights a month is bad as long as he is not rolling in hammered at 3am and spending the next day in bed .

DH and I both get out about the same amount, but we find it difficult to get out much together.

UnLuckily the inlaws have moved in with us for a few months so we are hoping to get out a bit more.

Do you think maybe you feel envious of his social life? I only say this because I felt like this when DS was about 6 weeks old and DH went out a few times. When I told the GP that I was struggling, she said "tell your DH he needs to stick around a bit more". She seemed like she was angry with him! I still can't get my head round whether she was being reasonable or not.

Anyway, I agree with the others - perhaps try and get out yourself - make arrangements with friends .

Doublebuggy · 19/02/2010 15:26

I agree with others. 3 nights a month is not unreasonable

But shocked that your DH needs permission to have a night out. We have a joint calender and if we are not doing anything on that night then my DH is free to go out with his friends (and so am I). He does not abuse this system and nor do I. He is not a teenager and does not need to ask permission to go out.

TheChicOfIt · 19/02/2010 15:37

Perhaps it's not that he needs permission - my DH asks about going out, but more in a "Are you doing anything on Friday? Do you mind if I go out?" because obviously one of us needs to be at home for ds.

I don't think it's shocking that the OP's DH is polite enough to ask.

Original poster

mrsflux · 19/02/2010 15:39

doublebuggy it's not that he needs permission! But it is polite to say what your plans are and as I explained it's not just a local game.

OP posts:

UnquietDad · 19/02/2010 15:41

Three nights a MONTH??!

The dirty stop-out!!

Good grief, what a wild, decadent, social animal this man is. He really ought to slow down the pace right now as he is obviously giving Russell Brand, Fatboy Slim and Sarah Harding a run for their money in the partying stakes...

TheChicOfIt · 19/02/2010 15:45

Also, mrsflux, I know how you must feel re having no-one to babysit.

My parents live hundreds of miles away, as does my sister, and DH's sister doesn't drive. In laws are great, but they are elderly and struggle with lifting DS in and out of cot/highchair etc. When he was really little we never went out at all.

You have my sympathies - even harder when other people around seem to have childcare on tap.

Would it be an option to take it in turn with friends to pop over to them for a glass of wine one night while your DH babysits, and then they do the reverse? Even if you had to pick them up?

I have a friend who is a single mum and she can't get out, so I often just go to her house in the evening.

Doublebuggy · 19/02/2010 15:54

But he obviously does need your permission - because you wanted to veto it!

We all need a life outside the family. Some more than others. And I think you need to give him some slack. The match is obviously something that will give him alot of pleasure and its not something that he does alot. So what if its a long way away? I sometimes don't see my DH all day because he works long hours and then meets a friend after work - not often - but it happens. He really enjoys his evenings (and I like being at home sometimes when he is out and the kids are alseep!).

Let him go and find something that you would like to do.

Doublebuggy · 19/02/2010 15:56

Sorry if I sounded harsh. But I think you just need to chill!

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