To expect dh to have fewer nights out since ds was born

[mrsflux]

Background. Ds is 10 mo and pretty easy going really with the exception of his recent phase of waking at 5ish. I'm at work part time in a stressful job I dislike.

I'm miffed at dh as he has not cut back on his nights out since ds was born. He goes out at least 3 nights each month. The aren't usually boost nights out but they are evenings and weekends when I'd like some help/ break from ds/ company. I think I've been out 3 times since ds arrived and get 1h to myself a week at pilates.

what do you think?

What really got me was him asking about going to football match next wed eve over an hour away. Despite the fact that we'd talked about it earlier and I explained calmly how I felt.

I don't think it matters that it's not a local game.
I know you feel you won't see him all day but in the big scheme of things is it a big deal really?

I don't think 3 nights a month is unreasonable.
Have you said to him you would like to get out more?
He would only be being unreasonable if he won't accomodate you going out a bit more.

"But he obviously does need your permission - because you wanted to veto it!"

Well if she doesn't get a veto that means that he gets to decide ON HER BEHALF that she will be looking after their child during that time.

She's not his slave. That means that if he wants to go out he needs to ask whether she's happy to do the childcare whilst he's gone. And it means that she's perfectly entitled to say no if it doesn't suit her. AND that includes if she thinks he'll be away too long and she just doesn't fancy it.

"I don't think it matters that it's not a local game."

Uh, the fact that it doesn't matter to you is of little concern to the OP or her partner, I would have thought.

It matters to the woman who is being asked to do childcare whilst her partner is gone. Therefore, in this case, it matters.

Unless you are saying that she doesn't matter, of course...

Skidoodle you seem to be taking this rather personally here.
She asked for an opinion I gave it so saying that my opinion is of no concern to the OP then why ask for it then???

And no she is not a slave but good god my husband and I are a partnership and I don't for one second expect him to ASK me if he can go out he will normally check in with whether I am working that evening or if I have anything on and if it is yes to either he arranges childcare as I already had something in place.

I don't think either of them have the right to veto out of hand any reasonable requests to go out and really for a once off to a football game miles away I really don't see the big deal in that sorry skidoodle.
I wouldn't generally ask dh not to go anywhere unless I had a reason and wouldn't expect him to wither we are married with children in the house which we both care for but by god i'm still a human being that revolves around more than my job and the school run.

agree with others, he gets 3 nights out, so should you! some time out from work stress and baby is no bad thing, be it more exercise or a night with your friends

i dont think you need to match the nights out at all it becomes silly then if you have a problem with not going out i haven't seen anywhere that he is preventing a night out meeting friends or he would be unhappy just the fact op is not arranging nights out

again i felt in the first yr i couldn't leave my ds i just couldn't do it there fore would be incorrect of me to stop dp going out as soon as i felt comfortable i started arranging nights out and went from there its been as regular as possible since we dont ever say you have been out 3 times so so will i

the main thing is arrange something and then tell dh you will be out so and so night

Can I make it really clear that he did NOT ask permission about the football - as if I was his mum. He asked what I thought/ how I felt about it.

I have tried arranging things but a lot of the things I would like to do are either on my late finish at work day or dh's preferred night out of thurs.

I am not angry or in tears, just miffed and wanted to know what people thought.

It's all very well saying sort out a sitter but that's not always easy for first time parents, whose family are far away, who don't know a lot of people in the area etc.

But it's because you don't have any family nearby that you need to get a sitting agency or whatever.

We've always been hundreds of miles away from family and so used either nursery staff, local teenagers or sitting agencies.

You'll get a sensible, vetted person who needs a few extra quid, not a psycho baby eater (probably!)

Go for it. Once you've done it a couple of times you'll feel comfortable about it I'm sure.

When the kids were wee the ex and I were usually out individually at least 1 evening each a week and usually at the weekends one day one of us looked after the kids and the other the other did. We both had sporting hobbies though. We had no local family so paid babysitters (usually teenage kids of friends or friends of friends) at least once a month, usually twice.
Your husband is being reasonable, if he's not actually refusing to let you leave the house on an evening and look after the kids then you need to get out more, not him less.