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Original poster

To be really angry at DH for the way he spoke to me last night?

41 replies

Enchilada81 · 19/02/2010 10:27

DH has to get up for work at 6am. So, he goes to bed around 10.30pm.
I suffer from insomnia so there is absolutely no point in me going to bed that early. He knows this but tries to insist that I go to bed with him anyway as he can't sleep otherwise

Recently we had a discussion about this (after he went absolutely nuts at me one night because I refused to go to bed early ) and I told him I will go to bed when I want to and don't expect to be shouted at over it.

So since then he hasn't kicked up much of a fuss over bedtimes.

But last night, he started getting ready for bed at 10.30 and said to me "are you coming up?" I said "no, I'm staying up for a while" and he said "ok".

Fair enough? but then I turned on the PC and he stopped dead in his tracks and turned around before snapping "funny how you always put the PC on as soon as I go to bed!" I said "what do you mean??" and he said "as soon as I go to bed you put msn and facebook on (msn comes up automatically, I hadn't even signed in! and facebook wasn't even on) - "funny that" he said.

I said "don't be stupid" so he started shouting again "no, its a bit suspicious don't you think?" I got pissed off at this point and snapped back "well what do you expect me to do?? sit down here in silence?" I then regretted biting back so I tried to add a little humour into it by adding "I have nothing else to do once you abandon me". This was a JOKE. anyway he blew up "ABANDON YOU? YOU'RE TAKING THE FUCKING PISS, IF I WANT TO GO TO BED I WILL DO. YOU'RE FUCKING PISSING ME OFF".

he then stormed up to bed.

I am so angry and fed up with a) walking on egg shells with him b) being accussed of shagging anything that breathes and c) being spoken to like shit. Was I in the wrong or was he being a wanker as I suspect?

OP posts:
belgo · 19/02/2010 10:31

We all say things we regret in an arguement. You shouldn't joke about him abandoning you and he shouldn't speak to you like that and accuse you of things with no basis.

I do get his point though about the bedtimes - he wants to go to bed with you, but you turn on the computer instead.

What are you doing to treat your insomnia? I very much doubt using the computer late a night will help with insomnia.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 19/02/2010 10:31

Wanker is my vote. I would be more than a little peeved if my dh spoke to me like that. It is unlikely to happen though, I am generally in bed by 9.30 at the latest

Original poster
Enchilada81 · 19/02/2010 10:33

But belgo, why should I have to go to bed just because he is? I have never gone to bed early.

Reason I turn on the PC at that time is because if I do it whilst he's up he goes off again saying I'm playing on the pc when I should be spending time with him. Either way I can't win.

OP posts:
mears · 19/02/2010 10:37

Perhaps he would lioke you to come to bed with him to have some intimacy? When does that get fitted in? My DH gets disturbed when I come to bed later than him when he is getting up at 4,30am for his day shifts. Thankfully he works differing shifts so it isn't a problem. If he had to get up at the same time every day and went to bed early, he would not be happy with me always going to bed later than him too.

belgo · 19/02/2010 10:38

'But belgo, why should I have to go to bed just because he is?'

Because maybe he wants to lie next to you, be with you, enjoy the feeling of having you next to him? 10.30 isn't that early, it's a normal bedtime, and maybe it would be better for your own health and insomnia if you went to bed earlier, and better for your relationship?

Using a computer late at night will not help you with insomnia.

Servalan · 19/02/2010 10:38

That would piss me off too. I'm another insomniac who goes to bed after my DH. I personally don't want to go to bed at 10.30. I'm a night person and I like having a bit of time to go on the computer and watch TV on my own.

It was probably a bit daft to accuse him of abondoning you (though realise it was a joke). At the same time, you are an adult and should be able to go to bed when you like.

Maybe you need to have a chat about this though at a time when you are both calm (and not when he is just about to go to bed). If he seriously has these insecurities, they could probably do with being addressed rather than being allowed to fester.

Original poster
Enchilada81 · 19/02/2010 10:40

It's not everynight I stay up later, infact its very rare because I do make the effort to go to bed when he does.
Last night was the first time in over a week that I've stayed up later.

Most nights we go to bed at the same time. Last night, I just didn't want to go to bed at that time.

OP posts:
mears · 19/02/2010 10:41

WEll what is his problem then. I misread your post and thought you never went to bed at the same time as him

Original poster
Enchilada81 · 19/02/2010 10:41

Servalan, I also like a bit of time some nights on my own. That is also part of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Enchilada81 · 19/02/2010 10:42

mears I realise it probably came across that way. But honestly, it is very rare. I'd say once a fortnight.

OP posts:
belgo · 19/02/2010 10:42

'DH has to get up for work at 6am. So, he goes to bed around 10.30pm.
I suffer from insomnia so there is absolutely no point in me going to bed that early. He knows this but tries to insist that I go to bed with him anyway as he can't sleep otherwise'

is this true or not?

Servalan · 19/02/2010 10:43

and there's nothing wrong with that imho. Personally I would feel suffocated if I couldn't have that time to myself.

mears · 19/02/2010 10:44

I don't see what the problem is either then. I like time on my own. I am lucky though cause DH works night shift so I have nights where I can do whatever I like

belgo · 19/02/2010 10:44

And do you really suffer from insomnia? Because if you do, believe me, it is no fun for your partner, and not healthy for you, it's a medical condition that should and can be treated.

Or by insomniac do you just mean that you like staying up late?

Original poster
Enchilada81 · 19/02/2010 10:44

Its true. He does to go to bed at 10.30 and there is no point in me going that early. But I do, because I know he'll whinge otherwise. My first post was badly written. I have a DS nagging me to use the PC.

But yes, almost every night we go to bed at the same time. I don't sleep however. Not until a couple of hours later.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 19/02/2010 10:45

Have to agree with belgo on all points. I sympathise about the insomnia though, its hell.

Original poster
Enchilada81 · 19/02/2010 10:45

Yes I have insominia. Doctor has given me sleeping tablets in the past but won't give me anymore.

OP posts:
belgo · 19/02/2010 10:47

Have you looked into other ways of treating your insomnia?

Original poster
Enchilada81 · 19/02/2010 10:48

Not realy because I have had it for so long, I just kind of got used to it.

OP posts:
sugartits · 19/02/2010 10:51

Well I think 10.30 is early.

You are your own person and you should choose when to go to bed. If you are in a happy relationship and you tend to go to bed at different times you find a way to make time for sex/cuddles etc.

I think it's rather controlling to expect your partner to go to bed when you want them to.

You didn't handle it well, but it was an argument and who argues perfectly.

He's obviously suspicious and I'd say that was the issue here. Is it a healthy or ott?

belgo · 19/02/2010 10:52

I do think you should talk to each other and try and see each other's point of view, and maybe looking into ways of trying to improve your sleeping, because that will be good for your own health and for your relationship if your sleeping patterns is causing a problem.

belgo · 19/02/2010 10:53

and of course it's not right for him to be accusing you of things, he should apologise for that.

Servalan · 19/02/2010 10:56

I often use talking books for my insomnia from the library. Either that or the world service on the radio. I do have insomnia. I'll lie in bed for literally hours worrying and fretting and I hate it.

I find listening to spoken word stuff helps me to drown out negative thoughts and distracts me from the fact I can't sleep. I'll often find they soothe me to sleep too.

But even with that tool to help me, I personally would find 10.30 way too early to go to bed!

twopeople · 19/02/2010 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

belgo · 19/02/2010 11:09

twopeople you sum up the problems very well

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