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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

because BIL's wedding isn't really a priority for me?

47 replies

Astrid28 · 18/02/2010 21:18

BIL & SIL to be are getting married in 2012, they're doing it in a far off country which I'm sure will be lovely, have no probs with that I too married abroad and they attended.

However.....we long ago decided that all things being well we'd like to try so we have another baby at around the time DD starts school, so in 2012! We are also in the process of saving to move to a larger property so are squirrelling away everything we can.

The wedding is not yet booked and is the best part of 3 years away. I really don't mean to be mean, but I just want to carry on as planned in our life and if we can make it we can, if we can't we can't - AIBU?

I have a feeling however that the PIL, BIL & SIL will have a problem with it should there be a clash of interests.

Would just like to point out that we had no problem with anyone not attending our wedding as it was our decision, I have a large family, only one of whom could attend, which I think is par for the course if you choose a wedding like this. So I wasn't a bridezilla who now doesn't give a shit, but it's not that important to me in the scheme of things.....that's mean isn't it?

OP posts:

displayuntilbestbefore · 18/02/2010 21:24

You might regret it in future years and it does make it rather obvious to your BIL and SIL that they are not important to you...is your dh of the same opinion?

Alternatively, if it's not booked yet, can you exp[lain to them that 2012 is a big year with DD starting schoolo so can they take that into consideration when they book the date so it doesn't clash with term time etc..?

MrsHappy · 18/02/2010 21:24

TBH I don't think it is mean really.

You can't put your life on hold because of something that may happen in 2012.

As my mother would say "don't meet trouble halfway". Carry on with your plans and deal with weddings etc if and when they happen.

Stigaloid · 18/02/2010 21:24

what does your husband want to do? (I assume it is his sibling we are discussing here)

displayuntilbestbefore · 18/02/2010 21:24

sorry for typos

alicet · 18/02/2010 21:26

Its 3 years away. I would say nothing at the moment, carry on as planned, and see where you are then. No point creating ructions when there may be no problem. You might decide you don't want to move, you might struggle to conceive dc2 and want a break away. They might find a lot of the people they wish to come can't make it and choose to get married in this country! If you had told them they weren't a priority it might create bad feeling that you can't recover from

Wait and see how things pan out.

I don't think YABU - clearly anyone who expected you to delay having another child / not buy a family homw so you could attend their wedding on the other side of the world is not in the real world are they? However, think how you would feel if this was YOUR sister or brother - your dh may have stronger feelings about going than you. One compromise could be that your dh goes alone (always assuming it isn't on the due date of your dc2!!)

Tortington · 18/02/2010 21:27

i think you could contribute loads without atending - think of all the organisation - thats the best part IMO i helped SIL loads - organised the hen party, paid for the cake, even bought her tiara.

there;s dress shopping to do and everything - so you could be a huge part of the process without actually being there.

mazzystartled · 18/02/2010 21:30

I don't see why saving up and having another baby would necessarily stop you from going to their wedding?

So long as getting to the wedding remains your sincere intention, and you only cry off if you are too pregnant to fly or have a baby too young to travel, then it isn't a problem really.

JaneS · 18/02/2010 21:31

It's three years, get on with your life. There's no way they could object without looking incredibly selfish.

KERALA1 · 18/02/2010 21:33

I think you're being abit mean they did go to your overseas wedding.

wildfig · 18/02/2010 21:36

YANBU to think you can't put various things on hold until after they get married, but YAB a bit U if you let them get wind of the fact that you're already planning not to attend their wedding on account of babies who don't actually exist yet! A lot can change in three years, for everyone.

larks35 · 18/02/2010 21:37

I think you're presuming a lot here. It's a long time away, you have no need to make or change any plans you have, but you already feel there will be a problem. Congratulate and celebrate their engagement and enthuse with them.

Why are you already looking for reasons to not go? Sorry, but it looks that way to me.

Original poster

Astrid28 · 18/02/2010 21:39

Well yes the one thing that has come up is taking DD out of school for 2 weeks which I'm not keen on and pretty sure the school wont be either.

That was met with sighing and talk of how much more expensive that would make an already pricey holiday.

I know I shouldn't really worry about it yet, but SIL is sending links to everyone and save the date cards are iminent so it's just got me thinking about it.

I'd love to go to the place they are marrying so will happily go as long as am not heavily pg or with brand new baby, or new house dealings, as I would like to enjoy it if we are going there.

DH is the same as me, but I worry about it more because I think his family will think it's my doing. He's of the opinion that we do what we like really.

I don't think we can book it until a year before anyway (due to updated brochures/prices etc) but if they push to book it asap, I'll be reluctant.

I'm just thinking of the what ifs but I don't suppose theres much point because as you say....who knows?

OP posts:

ooosabeauta · 18/02/2010 21:40

Agree with alicet that it's a good idea to be non-committal for next 2 and a half years, but I must say that neither of my SILs came to our wedding, (although in this case it was within the country), saying that it wasn't really possible because of having children, even though children were more than welcome at the wedding. Even though I don't like to harbour bad feeling, I have never forgotten this, and if I'm honest, do resent it somewhat, as it suggested to me that we meant little to them (this combined with never visiting us anyway, so maybe slightly different kettle of fish). Anyway, I would just warn that siblings in law can be quite sensitive about these things.

PortofinoLovesPancakes · 18/02/2010 21:42

I can't beleive that anyone would spend that long planning a wedding! Really I can't! And sorry, if they want to do that, it is down to them - the rest of the world doesn't have to put their lives on hold til then. God - anything could happen!

fluffles · 18/02/2010 21:44

YANBU to not care that much but what about your DH? Is it his brother or sister? Brother i assume? - are they close? I can imagine a lot of brothers would think their sibling's wedding very important even in their own life... is your DH likely to be best man.. if so he'll have to go whether you're preg and nearly due or not so its up to you if you want to risk that.

Original poster

Astrid28 · 18/02/2010 21:46

No honestly, I'm not looking for excuses I've celebrated and enthused and am very happy for them both. I just don't want to book to soon, I'll feel like it's hanging over us.

Once we book it's like it'll give us this specific window to get pregnant because I don't want to be pg on a big wedding holiday - maybe I'm being selfish, but it'll be alot of money for us so I want to enjoy it......and that means cocktails!

OP posts:

Heated · 18/02/2010 21:47

Save the date cards for 3 years time?!! Think that's a little precious.

No need to go borrowing trouble but neither put your life on hold. Your official position is that you are looking forward to the day and if you are up the duff/just had a baby, well who could have foreseen?

ooosabeauta · 18/02/2010 21:47

Should add that obviously I am not suggesting that you change your baby plans in any way at all, you carry on with your life as you plan, and you may find it just pans out. If not, break the news later on, and they'll have less stewing/nagging time!

fluffles · 18/02/2010 21:47

i'd be p'd off if my brother didn't want to come to my wedding - but i wouldn't mind too much about his partner.

think DF is the same about his sister - definately wants here there, would like his BIL to be there too but it's the sibling that's most important.

NonnoMum · 18/02/2010 21:49

I'm a cow and think that ANYONE who marries abroad is just a little bit selfish, really.

My B and SiL did and expected everyone to attend. Being stuck in an all-inclusive resort with Bride and Groom banging on all week about how much cheaper it is to do it abroad was pretty galling.

Yes, cheaper for YOU but not for your guests. £3k per guest.

alicet · 18/02/2010 21:52

Didn't realise that they are expecting you to take dd out of school for 2 weeks - that is unreasonable. I think this is one reason it may be worth saying now that you and dd will not be able to come (or at least not be able to come for 2 weeks). That is a definite that will be happening rather than your other reasons where anything can change in 3 years. If they are pushing you to book now you could also say that given that you are thinking of trying for another baby then clearly you can't book until you know for sure you will be able to travel. still think its not worth saying anything but if they are pushing you to put the money on the table thats different

Compromises are there though - dh goes alone, or you go but for the shortest time possible.

Original poster

Astrid28 · 18/02/2010 21:53

Yes it is DH's brother, and we're not sure if he'll be Best Man or not as BIL has hinted at a friend.

DH is very blase about it and says that whatever happens if our plans clash to the extent that we can't go, then thats it. He quite sensibly thinks that until it's booked, whats to worry about.

No I'm thinking too far forward if there was no talk of it just yet then it wouldn't be an issue. Just the booking of something so large at a time when we have (unbeknown to them) been thinking of doing a few things has got me racing ahead of myself.

OP posts:

Ivykaty44 · 18/02/2010 21:53

I think you should alter your plans and have a baby in 2011 or 2013, it would be really unfair not to attend the wedding. if you are short of money dont move

of course live your own life and they will live theres - if you want to tell them fine but if not don't as it is after all your buisness. They may even break of the engagment and not get married at all.

Why plan a wedding for so far away - that all I want to know, why not do it now?

displayuntilbestbefore · 18/02/2010 21:54

I agree with your thoughts this dilemma in that a new baby, being heavily pregnant or in the middle of a house move will mean you won't be able to go and it's unreasonable of anyone to expect you to put your life on hold for the next 3 years just because they are planning things so far in advance.
I wouldn't take a DC out of school when they've just started esp when it could be avoided if your BIL and SIL took your child's age and schooling into consideration.

Personally I don't understand why people plan so far ahead with weddings - how can anyone reasonably be expected to save a date that far ahead? If you already know the date is in termtime and this is a problem then be honest with them and if they don't accept it as a valid reason then they'll have to accept you won't be there!
They are being unreasonable to expect you to take your child out of school (and not taking into account that a lot of schools will not allow you to do that anyway).

mazzystartled · 18/02/2010 21:55

As you continue to post it seems that actually you are getting a bit of an attitude about this wedding already.

I honestly think that they would be unreasonable to expect you to put your family plans on hold for three years, but you would be very unreasonable if you didn't make every effort to get there. I don't think housemoving stuff would cut it as an excuse - you can probably plan around this. They've given you time to save up to go somewhere you've said you'd like to go. Maybe you'll be up the duff and not be able to drink but hey-ho them's the breaks.

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