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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

because BIL's wedding isn't really a priority for me?

47 replies

Astrid28 · 18/02/2010 21:18

BIL & SIL to be are getting married in 2012, they're doing it in a far off country which I'm sure will be lovely, have no probs with that I too married abroad and they attended.

However.....we long ago decided that all things being well we'd like to try so we have another baby at around the time DD starts school, so in 2012! We are also in the process of saving to move to a larger property so are squirrelling away everything we can.

The wedding is not yet booked and is the best part of 3 years away. I really don't mean to be mean, but I just want to carry on as planned in our life and if we can make it we can, if we can't we can't - AIBU?

I have a feeling however that the PIL, BIL & SIL will have a problem with it should there be a clash of interests.

Would just like to point out that we had no problem with anyone not attending our wedding as it was our decision, I have a large family, only one of whom could attend, which I think is par for the course if you choose a wedding like this. So I wasn't a bridezilla who now doesn't give a shit, but it's not that important to me in the scheme of things.....that's mean isn't it?

OP posts:

MillyMollyMoo · 18/02/2010 21:57

Blimey if they split up in those three years will you get a refund or what if somebody is ill, or you need fertility treatment or people are made redundant.
I find it hard to plan 3 months ahead at the moment because with small children you need a certain amount of flexibility in your life or you'd go round the bend.

hanaflower · 18/02/2010 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PortofinoLovesPancakes · 18/02/2010 22:01

I can't believe that anyone actually thinks that planning a wedding that far in the future and expecting commitment from others is being reasonable at all! To me it seems completely selfish!

Maybe it takes THEM that long to save up, fair enough, if that is the wedding they want. But I think sending out invitations ONE year in advance and expecting commitment might be pushing it....I got married AND divorced in less than 3 years.

compo · 18/02/2010 22:02

I would tell them now that you wontbe taking dd out of school in term time for a wedding but that dh will happily go on his own

done and dusted

runnybottom · 18/02/2010 22:03

Its 3 years away. Forget all about it for another 2.5 years.
I find it hard to beleive that anyone, including the bride to be, is thinking much about a possible wedding 3 years away.

Do you think maybe you plan way way way too much?

displayuntilbestbefore · 18/02/2010 22:04

I agree Porto - really backing people into a corner by sending out save the date cards 3 years in advance of a wedding!
Who knows what will happen in 3 years? If you say yes now and then can't for some valid reason, are they going to hold it against you and always say "but you said you'd saved the date"?
Long engagements, bah...why bother to get engaged now if they're not getting married for another 3 years....

Original poster

Astrid28 · 18/02/2010 22:05

I had a chat with them about the school thing the other night, I really didn't want to as I dont want it to seem I'm dictating when they can and can't get married, and they said they need to set a proper date (they know the month they want to go) and then just stick with it as they cant cater for everyone and everything. Which is fair enough, so I guess we all have to take the same attitude really.

The IL's were a bit dismissive and felt that DD could 'learn more on holiday than she could in the classroom' and that they were going to avoid termtime as the place is already pretty pricey, and this will increase the cost for everyone.

DH would love to go, but i just think he knows that had BIL and SIL not been able to go we'd have said 'hey that's a shame, but you have to do whats best for you' I think he just thinks they should feel the same....i don't think it's that simple.

OP posts:

PortofinoLovesPancakes · 18/02/2010 22:09

I had to cancel my OWN wedding - originally planned up a mountain in Colorado - as I found myself unexpectedly PG!

Our friends, who had borrowed the massive timber luxpad log cabin from a neighbour for the requisite period, still went. I was 8 months PG at that point at VERY at the resulting emailed piccies....

Ivykaty44 · 18/02/2010 22:09

well you need to be straight with them and say

look book it in school term time cos we doubt we will be able to come...

cos if they go and arrange it around you and then you dont go - well that isn't fair

JaneS · 18/02/2010 22:10

Surely the bride is sending out save the dates because she hopes to be helpful? I'm sending out mine 6 months in advance despite the fact that 90% of my guests freely admit they have no idea what they will be doing then. I don't expect them to reply, or to consider it as any kind of pressing commitment - it's just a heads up in case they end up wondering whether to fly off on holiday on that day, or whatever.

I'd be surprised if this wedding isn't the same, tba. People posting are assuming that a save the date card is a request of your presence: it's not, it's a courtesy that might help people to plan an overseas wedding.

alicet · 18/02/2010 22:12

'they said they need to set a proper date (they know the month they want to go) and then just stick with it as they cant cater for everyone and everything. Which is fair enough, so I guess we all have to take the same attitude really.'

Exactly. They have to pick the month they want to get married and set a date that works for them. If it doesn't work for you then take the same attitude, look after yourselves, and politely decline for you and dd and say all being well (because clearly anything can happen in 3 years) dh will be there.

Where are they wanting to get married? And why making the plan so far in advance?

Original poster

Astrid28 · 18/02/2010 22:12

Wow Mazzy - an attitude? I really don't mean to sound attitudey. It's just something I've been pondering as it's a subject everyone's talking about in our family at the moment, and it's kind of forcing me to think 3 years into the future.

ha ha! Runnybottom - I DO plan too much! That made me laugh as it's something DH and I joke about. Thing is I'm not a big plan maker in my own life, but when other people make plans for me/I have too much time to think about something, it seems to freak me out! And 3 years is ALOT of thinking and alot of freaking!

OP posts:

alicet · 18/02/2010 22:15

Agree with ivykate - don't get them to change to school holidays making it much more expensive if you aren't prepared to commit yourself. That would be unreasonable.

I think you might help yourself if you ARE talking to them about you possibly not going to make it, to tell them abou your plans for dc2 and house move. Otherwise it just sounds as though you're being awkward (apart from the bit about taking dd out of school). Obviously depending on your ils this may or may not be a good idea!!

fluffles · 18/02/2010 22:18

erm... why is everybody saying it's three years away??

2012 is the year after next - no?

i have big holidays planned up to 2011... i would appreicate at least a year notice of a wedding abroad as it would be our holiday for that year rather than an additional trip.

alicet · 18/02/2010 22:20

OP said it was 3 years away. Which it would (nearly) be if it was late 2012 which is what I presumed given OP said 3 years!

JustAnotherManicMummy · 18/02/2010 22:21

I would not be dictating any kind of conditions at all if there is a possibility you won't be able to go for other reasons. Although I will conceed ridiculously long engagements are unreasonable - just get on with it!

If they do move it to school holidays and then you don't go that's going to be extremely irritating. I would not voice any opinions, not book anything and get on with your own lives.

And I'll have 50p on the bride-to-be being up the duff by next Xmas please

lololol · 18/02/2010 22:25

Goodness me, why people don't just nip down to the register office, I'll never know!

Having said that, they've decided to do this and you (your DH particularly) should make a significant effort to attend. This does not mean that you should alter any of your plans, such as moving house, having a baby etc - you should just carry on regardless but not book anything (flights etc) until 6-12 months before the wedding as you should be more sure of what's going on with house/baby etc by then. I would just tell them that you'll come and if you find yourself in the middle of a housemove/having a baby then you can address that nearer the time.

Personally in your position, I'd have another baby immediately, regardless of the wedding (not sure of your reasons for waiting, but think if you want one, why not do it now?). That's just me though!

DuelingFanjo · 18/02/2010 22:26

I think.... if it does happen, if you do get pregnant... send your husband and you stay at home. I would have felt a bit upset if my siblings hadn't made it to my wedding. Then again, if they don't get on then maybe it would be ok for your DH not to go.

I think you are over-thinking about something which is to far into the future.

Original poster

Astrid28 · 18/02/2010 22:27

Yes she is trying to be helpful with the save the dates - she's not expecting us to sign a contract or anything. It's just that first we thought of the school issue, and I really don't want them to plan it around us.

Actually you're right Ivykaty we really should be straight with them about our plans - if they do it in term time, which bumps up prices for everyone and then we can't go that would be terrible......I never thought of that. Oh poo.

Maybe I should remind them that there are some lovely beaches in Britain?! (that IS of course, a joke)

I DO actually want to go, (beleive it or not!)I love where they're getting married, and as I say we did the same thing and it was great! I just had a picture in my head of the holiday if it were say next year, but hadn't considered the changes that could occur in the meantime.

OP posts:

Original poster

Astrid28 · 18/02/2010 22:34

It is late 2012.

I do understand the need for notice, It just brought a few things to my attention, however the more I type and the more replies I read, I know that theres nothing can be done, except to make sure they don't move anything solely for our benefit!

lololol - I'm not going to have a baby now just so I can go to the wedding but spot on with the advice about just leaving our booking nearer the time to get a better picture. That is what we shall do.

Thanks all - apologies for being a planaholic. I don't know quite when that developed..........

OP posts:

taffetacat · 18/02/2010 22:50

Haven't read all replies but really its so far off I would park it somewhere very very far in the back of your mind.

Get on with your life, they will get on with theirs. A very great deal can and will happen in the space of 2 years. Concern yourself with it only when you have to book anything and see where you all are then.

If either of your situations changes, you know it would be good to be there if you could be, even if for a short time. I remember who didn't come to my wedding 7 years on and didn't think I would be bothered by it. And as you are family, you are stuck with them......

displayuntilbestbefore · 18/02/2010 22:52

Easily done when you have things you want to do in the future and when you have the date your DD starts school in your mind, anything that then comes along that might interfere with your plans seems twice as big an issue!

If you're honest with yourself about why you really seem to find it hard to envisage this wedding being a possibility for you then it will make it easier to discuss things with your ILs. Hard not to just look like you're coming up with excuses for not committing to even trying to attend if it's not clear in your own head what may or may not be valid causes for preventing you being there.

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