To be upset with DH and wonder if sex IS everything

[mylifemykids]

I lost our baby at 30 weeks last summer. DH is constantly reminding me that we haven't had sex since then. TBH I've been through stages of hating and blaming him/me/our relationship and I really can't bear the thought of anything in the bedroom beyond sleeping.

I just jokingly said he only ever half listens to me (while he was on his Xbox) and he said 'whats that supposed to mean, I never ask anything of you and still you moan' When I questioned him about what he meant it basically meant he never mentions sex to me so I should be grateful.

I told him that he has no idea what feelings I've got inside and that he never asks WHY I don't want to have sex. He disappeared after I gave birth leaving me to arrange the funeral on my own, arrange flowers etc ON MY OWN. Also, a week after the funeral I was having a 'bad' day and he told me I was acting as if DS or DD1 had died and that I should snap out of it. I DO love him, he's such a caring person normally but I can't stand that he doesn't know, or want to listen to any feelings I might have regarding the baby we lost.

AIBU for not wanting sex with my DH? Should I just put up and shut up? I don't really know where to go from here and know our relationship is on the rocks but don't know if I actually care anymore

I have no words for your sad loss, but I must add this.

Although I am a believer that sex keeps relationships harmonious, I can guarantee that I wouldn't sleep with someone who was being such a self centred prick. And not only for now - I'd never sleep with him again.

I have no experience of this but didn't want to leave your post unanswered. t sounds like neither of you have really dealt with what you went through properly.

It must be so hard for both of you, but in completely different ways. You obviously had a physical bond with your baby which your husband obviously didn't have. but he probably did still have hopes and dreams for the baby.

Has he ever talked about it?

I went to see a counsellor yesterday as I haven't been able to enjoy sex since I gave birth to DS2. It brought up lots of issues that I thought I'd dealt with but I clearly hadn't.

Have either of you had any sort of counselling?

I hop things work out for you,

it does sound like you both need bereavement counselling.
especially as he went away straight after you lost your child and you had to sort it all out yourself.

i don't want you to think either side is to blame for how badly it's gone: you both need to sit down with a professional and talk it all out.

Blimey. You need to talk to each other. I would consider marriage counselling in your situation. He can't keep brushing your feelings under the carpet. You can't go on not communicating properly.

(And by the way, what IS it with men and fucking x box / playstation / whatever? Are they ALL still teenage boys?)

Sorry you've had such a painful loss and especially sorry that your DH has been so unsupportive and unfeeling about the whole thing

I'm so sorry about your baby. You must be grieving dreadfully. It sounds to me as though your DH doesn't understand your grief at all - do you think he would agree to Relate or similar with you so that you can try to understand each other better?

In answer to your initial question - No I don't think you should 'put up and shut up', I think that will make you resent your DH in the long term. You need to sort out the issue - which is your grief and your DH's lack of understanding of it first I think.

I hope things work out for you.

I know sympathy isn't what you need, but I'm so sorry.

I think there are two separate issues - and the first, most important one is that you need some bereavement counselling. Not for your marriage, but for you. Ring your GP in the morning, make an appointment and then ask for a referral.

Your DH may or may not need some counselling himself but his attitude re the sex is very unfair and very insensitive. But that's something to tackle when you're feeling a little stronger - your loss is still comparatively recent, and these things take time.

I think that Mrs Sawdust is on to something when she said that you need to talk to each other.

As he left you on your own to deal with it, you didn't work through the emotions this tragic event caused, together.

You didn't experience it together so your relationship didn't have the oportunity to adjust to it all.

If talking to each other doesn't work - get a counsellor.

I may be talking out of my behind - but I watched the exact same situation destroy my parents marriage.

Just my humble opinion pet, Good Luck and sending you happy vibes xxxx

I am so sorry MLMK. I echo those who have recommended counselling.

Although not in the same category as your loss, I had a similar experience with my H when DD1 only just survived meningitis at 3, he refused to engage with my fears even while she was in the hospital and once she was better, life was immediately back to normal.

The reason I mention it is that it was 13 years ago, and I can still cry over the feeling of being abandoned then. Just writing this has made me fill up.

Please deal with it now, don't let it be swept away. It will always be with you, but you really don't want to spend the rest of your marriage however long or short, resenting DH, believe me.

What a horribly painful situation for you. I cannot understand how your DH is justifying his behaviour to himself.

Where did he go after you lost the baby?

I agree that before anything else you need some bereavement counselling to help deal with your grief.

I agree. I think you too really really need to talk. I also agree counselling is the way to go.

I know how feeling angry with your partner makes you not want to have sex. And you not wanting to have sex makes them feel rejected, angry - vicious circle.

I really think you can sort this out .....

you two , not too ...

Thanks for all the replies. I do know I need to sort my head out before I can address the lack of any kind of relationship. I keep saying I will go but then I feel OK for a few days and I think I'll be alright. I'm not alright though, it hurts still and I don't feel like I've got anyone to talk to about it all because he told me to snap out of it when it happened.

hesterprynne something you said just really struck a chord for me 'life was immediately back to normal' - that is EXACTLY how I feel he dealt with it all.

For whoever asked where he disappeared to, he works away and decided I didn't need him here - although maybe he didn't want to be here and be reminded about it all, but I couldn't just run away from it.

He's not usually a self centered prick for whoever said that. He's usually a lovely, caring, thoughtful man but something has changed and I guess I need to sort me out before working on him.

I lost my DS3 at 22 weeks. I wasn't even allowed a funeral as it was before 24 weeks. My then fiance (now ex) walked out on me 5 days later saying it was my fault. 2 weeks later he wanted to get back together, but I would NEVER have forgiven him for leaving me when I needed him. I was severely depressed for about 5 months afterwards, I don't even know what happened during those months. I then had some bereavement counselling, and while it still hurts to know that right now I would have a DC4 that should be 10 months old, I have realised that nothing will take away the time I was pg with ds3, and he will always be in my heart. I think with men, they tend to try to 'ignore' difficult things like this, and tbh, to him, your pg wasn't the same as your other dc's, as men don't bond before birth in the same way that women do. So to him, saying it wasn't as if one of your other dc had died, is probably how he feels, as this dc just wasn't as 'real' to him as it was to you. You need to explain to him that YES it IS as if one of your other dc's had died, this baby meant just as much to you as they do. And that you need his support. I am sending you (((HUGS))) even if it is an un-MN thing to do.

i am very sorry for your loss, you did lose a baby, regardless of whether DH feels so.

i should think that i would also be terrified to have sex , as i would be totally afraid of another pregnancy and the turmoil and emotions

also, i would find the physical act almost impossible to seperate from teh emotions.. and i would not want to be close physically to someone who had neglected me so emotionally

i don't think you should just have sex, why should you? you 'll proably feel worse for it

he has not supported you when you needed, why should you do all you can to make him happy?

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him.

If you do "just put up and shut up" then you are telling him that he is right, that you are able to have sex and you can get past whatever is holding you back.

I think you need some counselling. And so does your DH. because he is either really shocked and devastated by what happened to your baby, or he is just being a total hearltess nobber. And you need to know which it is.

MLMK - I too lost a child - my first at 21 weeks in very difficult circumstances in that we had to make the decision as to whether we should terminate the pregnancy or not.

At the time my DH dealt with his grief by returning to work, going out and wanting to try for another baby straight away by having lots of sex.

I was very depressed - I felt guilty and also angry, especially towards him for appearing to 'just get on with it'- him wanting sex just made me even madder

He didn't seem to understand that sex was the last thing I wanted - my confidence had vanished as I'd put on weight, and I couldn't see how having another child could just fix things for him so easily.

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him, but for men sex is often a way for them to express their emotions without having to actually talk IYSWIM.

I had counselling which helped me deal with my grief and the best advice I can give to you is to write him a letter and tell him how you feel, and ask him to write one in return. It was only when I sat down to write, I realised my DH feelings where the same as mine and that he just couldn't express them in the same way that I could - with tears etc

I hope you find some peace - the loss of a child is a cross no mother should have to carry, but please for the sake of your other children and yourself seek some counselling xx

YANBU.

Some women find it hard to be physical with someone who hasn't been emotionally kind to them. He needs to know this.

You need to talk to someone and work out what you want from your marriage and your life.

I am so sorry for your loss.

He left you to organise your baby's funeral on your own? That is cold.

I wouldn't want to have sex with him (or even look at him) either.

God that's awful. I think men are trained to push their feelings away when something awful happens and not be 'soft'. They end up repressing things. Some kind of counselling would help, I think.

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about your loss and those of the others who have gone through it

I hope things get better very soon xx

Maybe he feels you're witholding as punishment? Maybe you are, maybe you're not, but it doesn't sound as if you've exploed either your anger nor his apparent disinterest.

I think I'd be inclined to say to him that unless you both went to counselling that you weren't sure what sort of future you both had.

I wouldn't end it now, especially as you say this is so out of character for him. Which tells me it's the trauma talking. That doesn't excuse it... but I think until you both work through this properly you can't know whether or not you have a future the other side of this.

FWIW, I hope you do. Best of luck and so sorry for your loss.

You BOTH sound overwhelmed by your grief, but are demonstrating it in typical male and female ways. Please get some bereavement counselling together or this terrible event will tear apart, what was apparently once, a loving family. xxx

I am so sorry for your loss. Of course you were devastated and he wasn't there for you. I completely understand why you don't want to have sex with DH, however have you explained to him exactly why you don't want to?

I agree with a previous poster that mentioned that men often use sex to create intimacy (whereas women, incl want intimacy before sex). Perhaps he wants to have sex in a terribly misguided attempt to feel closer to you again.

I agree that leaving you to arrange the funeral and go through it alone was awful. However, I really think that you both need to really talk as ATM it sounds like both of you are quietly seething with each other (him about the lack of sex, you about his lack of sensitivity).

Counselling, couples or individual sounds like a really good idea.

Really hope that you can work this out.

To say that your dh's actions added insult to injury is an understatement. He needs to understand that if he is to save this marriage. He's not listening to you, so unless you can get him to listen to some one else, eg counsellor, his own father, any one ... i guess your relationship is doomed.

Having said that, I have a cousin who lost a baby - stillbirth - about 30 years ago. Her dh never spoke about it. He is dead now, but their marriage carried on until his death and she only told me about it afterwards. In those days, I don't think they did funerals for such babies, and there would certainly be no support from the hospital. They even put her in a postnatal ward with other mothers who had live babies.