To be upset with DH and wonder if sex IS everything

[mylifemykids]

I lost our baby at 30 weeks last summer. DH is constantly reminding me that we haven't had sex since then. TBH I've been through stages of hating and blaming him/me/our relationship and I really can't bear the thought of anything in the bedroom beyond sleeping.

I just jokingly said he only ever half listens to me (while he was on his Xbox) and he said 'whats that supposed to mean, I never ask anything of you and still you moan' When I questioned him about what he meant it basically meant he never mentions sex to me so I should be grateful.

I told him that he has no idea what feelings I've got inside and that he never asks WHY I don't want to have sex. He disappeared after I gave birth leaving me to arrange the funeral on my own, arrange flowers etc ON MY OWN. Also, a week after the funeral I was having a 'bad' day and he told me I was acting as if DS or DD1 had died and that I should snap out of it. I DO love him, he's such a caring person normally but I can't stand that he doesn't know, or want to listen to any feelings I might have regarding the baby we lost.

AIBU for not wanting sex with my DH? Should I just put up and shut up? I don't really know where to go from here and know our relationship is on the rocks but don't know if I actually care anymore

[saultanpepper]

I am very sorry for your loss; I can only try to imagine how you or your DH feel (it may surprise the MN massive that men do actually have feelings too) and I probably wouldn't get anywhere close.

I suspect your DH feels completely helpless. If there's one thing we XY's can't stand it's not being able to fix things. He covers this up by playing on the Xbox as a coping mechanism - possibly.

It probably hasn't helped that you've 'been hating/blaming him/your relationship'. He didn't do anything wrong to lose your baby - and neither did you - but unless you both talk these feelings through either on your own or with a counsellor and resolve the issues YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED.

Disappearing after your loss is, prima facie, heartless. I suspect it was his coping mechanism - he may, in his grief, have not trusted himself not to lash out at anything/anyone until he'd brought his feelings under control.

You have said he never asks you why/if you want sex. Have you ever asked him why he does? How do you know he doesn't want to listen to your feelings? Have you listened or asked him about his?

Please don't take these comments as criticism of either of you - I am just trying to understand the issue and possibly provoke some different thinking. I sincerely hope it all works out.