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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my SIL to pay for her own ticket?

39 replies

OprahWinfrey · 17/02/2010 16:17

SIL is a single mum, lives on her own with her dd, going on holiday with her boyfriend in April. she called up her elder brother to ask for money for her ticket. About £700. He has 3 kids and struggles as it is, and he dislikes SIL so he slammed the phone down. SIL then calls up my dh to complain about the other bro. My dh said, if you can't go don't go!(??) She appears to think her brothers owe her, just because she is a single mum. (She left her dh to be with this bf!) She has a 6 yr old dd.

We have not been anywhere for 4 yrs, because I decided to be stahm, and we are not exactly rolling in it! But we are doing ok.

SIL has sky hd, mobile, home phone, eats out. (I don't know how she can afford this as it is all on benefits. She's never worked, has no plan to!)

Now I know in order to maintain family relations, I have to be tolerant, but surely this is taking the piss? Can I have a go at her???? My dh refuses to.My blood is boiling. Please help me someone. She is 26 and I just want to say get a job. We don't owe you a penny.

OP posts:
diddl · 17/02/2010 16:19

I wouldn´t bother to "have a go"-just don´t give her any money.

muggglewump · 17/02/2010 16:19

Tell her to sod right off!

You only get to go on holiday if you can afford it, or if someone offers to pay, or you win it.

Otherwise, though shit.

youremindmeofthebabe · 17/02/2010 16:19

Why is this anybody elses responsibility but her own?

MrsC2010 · 17/02/2010 16:19

I would just leave it as no, be the adults. Tell her that as an adult she knows that if she can't afford to do something, she can't do it. Or 'helpfully' suggest she could look for some work to raise some cash?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/02/2010 16:20

Don't have a go at her in RL. Your DH and BIL have said their piece already.

muggglewump · 17/02/2010 16:20

tough shit

OrmRenewed · 17/02/2010 16:20

No you can't. Saying no will be enough.

thehillsarealive · 17/02/2010 16:21

dont give her anything. she can budget her money to afford her ticket. the more her family bail her out the more she will expect it. Believe me, I have been there as the family cash cow and it is a PITA!

BigBadMummy · 17/02/2010 16:21

Ask her where she thinks the £700 is going to come from if you lend it to her.

"oh but your DH has a job and you can afford it" opens a discussion about "yes, he has a job, to pay for us, not you and your DC".

I am not sure I would have a go as that is not going to be constructive in the long term but I would definitely tell her in no uncertain terms that you are not a bank.

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 17/02/2010 16:22

Really? My blood is boiling

OP posts:
Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 17/02/2010 16:23

i feel like if i don't have a go, she will never change. or get it. iykwim

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 17/02/2010 16:24

All the more reason to stay silent then oprah, until your blood is back to normal temperature You could start lots of trouble and be the family bad guy.

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 17/02/2010 16:25

I have been imagining what to say all morning

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/02/2010 16:27

Yes, I agree with Orm - she didn't ask you for the money, and she was told "no" by her brothers.

If she asks you, or if she ask your DH again and he's inclined to give it to her, then by all means, talk to her.........

(BTW, I see why you are angry)

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 17/02/2010 16:27

She does this all the time though. And then we see her swanning off to scotland for a weekend. I asked dh to go and check out her bank statements! he wont. he refuses to get embroiled. Oh, what makes me really furious is that MIL is on her side

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/02/2010 16:27

Tell MN what you want to say - Vent !!!!!

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 17/02/2010 16:30

I hear what you guys are saying. Thank you . You've calmed me down. I wanted to hear 'go and slaughter her!' so ... I'm having a bit of an anti-climax.

Jamie... - Surely, when she asks dh, she is taking from 'my pot'. Asking dh is like asking me? Even if we had the money, does she not understand that we could do something with that money ourselves? What a selfish b

OP posts:
Morloth · 17/02/2010 16:31

If you don't give her any money it really isn't your problem what she does. Just say no and forget about it.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 17/02/2010 16:32

Oh yes, I agree - she is taking it from your pot. But he's said No, so that's OK for now.

OrmRenewed · 17/02/2010 16:33

But it's only taking from your pot if you say yes.

BTW how can your DH look at her bank statements?

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 17/02/2010 16:34

Morloth, I agree. I wish I could let it go. Dh has gone out with ds to get out of my way, because I want to vent on him. I want to shake someone and I think what gets me is...we all know how to save and if we don't have the money, we would not make plans.

Maybe her bf should pay for it? Can I say this to her? at least?

OP posts:
Rejessta · 17/02/2010 16:35

I understand the anger but I do't think it is useful. Sure she's feckless, stupid, silly and selfish. You are completely right not to finance her and if she ever asks you the correct response is to burst out laughing and say, "OMG, I can't believe you're trying to pull this crap on me! Surely you know I am not stupid enough to fall for it."

That way you avoid a conflict that is going to strain your relationship with your DH while deflecting your SIL's request for money and even becoming her 'conspirator'. Easy win all around and I promise no feelings will be hurt.

Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 17/02/2010 16:36

I don't know ... (about statements) I think I meant to go round and give her a visit. I thought she could get the third degree from him and then she might either a) watch her spending or b) never ask for money again

OP posts:
Original poster
OprahWinfrey · 17/02/2010 16:39

Rejessta, that's BRILLIANT. I am lost for words really. Anger and hatred have taken over. This can't be good. I've had a bath....(in the afternoon!) but it hasn't gone

OP posts:
upahill · 17/02/2010 16:40

I'm not sure what the problem is Oprah. She has asked 1 brother has said no she has asked again and the 2nd brother has said no as well.

If your DH has said 'yeah ok' then there is an issue but he hasn't.

(I have imaginary conversations when I am mad as well!!! )

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