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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to tell dp an unequivocal "No"?

38 replies

fedup1981 · 17/02/2010 13:01

We've been skint for years but the last six months have been really really hard. Since christmas I've generally had about £20 a week to spend on food, and there was a week where dp and I shared a toothbrush because his got dropped down the loo and we just couldn't afford another, that's how bad it's been.

We've just about coped, and thankfully things are looking up, I have maternity allowance starting in about 3 weeks, dp will be starting a new better paid job soon, and there are various other bits of money due to come to us over the next few months which mean that we are going to a lot more comfortable.

I'm very pregnant and we've bought literally nothing for this baby yet, not even a pack of nappies. We all need new coats and shoes desperately (especially ds (2) who needs extra wide clarks and cheaper shoes rarely fit him) the car needs a few bits doing on it, and after a very long period of necessary neglect, the house needs a few things doing and buying too before the baby gets here.

So anyway dp is working his last week or two at work, and has found out that he is going to be paid extra to work in lieu of holiday days, as they need him there. This should bring an extra £300 or so in his final wage packet.

He came home all excited yesterday saying he'd decided he was going to treat himself to a new laptop with the money. I immediately said no, that no-one was buying any luxuries until we had bought stuff for the baby, and ds had had new shoes and clothes. I was probably pretty sharp with him because I couldn't believe he'd think of "treating himself" when we'd had nothing for so long. (Plus we have a laptop and a desktop computer already, they may not be new or fancy but they work, he doesn't need a new laptop, he just doesn't like sharing with me)

He was pretty pissed off that I'd said no instead of discussing it first, do you think AIBU to rain on his parade?

OP posts:
Blackduck · 17/02/2010 13:04

Maybe you could have explained it better, but essentially I think you are right..

KittyWalker · 17/02/2010 13:05

How old is your DS?

bumpybecky · 17/02/2010 13:06

yanbu but maybe could have been a little more tactful saying no? but then you're very pregnant and I found I lost my tact by 6 months at the very latest!

fedup1981 · 17/02/2010 13:06

He's two and a half.

OP posts:
tinierclanger · 17/02/2010 13:06

On the one hand, I think you're right. On the other, I think maybe he sees it as 'his' money as he's giving up holiday days for it?

Under the circumstances though, I'm surprised he wouldn't assume it should just go straight into the family pot.

msrisotto · 17/02/2010 13:07

tbh, i'm surprised you didn't go apeshit at him! What was he thinking? You had to share a f*cking toothbrush for a while and he's thinking of buying another laptop? Where is his head?

KittyWalker · 17/02/2010 13:07

I may have some bits I could send you if it would help you at all. What shoe size is he?

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 17/02/2010 13:09

You were probably a little bit harsh in the way you said it but YANBU to want to stop him. He should have thought more about it first though, a bit selfish of him.
I would say, when you've got all the necessities sorted and there's more money coming in her can look for a new laptop then, as we all know with a new baby on the way, in reality that may take some time.

fedup1981 · 17/02/2010 13:09

Aaw thank you kitty, that's very kind of you but I wouldn't want to bother anyone, we'll be ok soon enough, three short weeks! :-)

OP posts:
skidoodle · 17/02/2010 13:12

YANBU, what a baby

treating himself while his family is doing without

who is raising these man children?

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 17/02/2010 13:12

I've only some older boys bits here (4-6yrs), but your welcome to them. Let me know if they'd help for the future, otherwise they'll be off to the charity shop soon as DC5 is going to be another girl.

TrippleBerryFairy · 17/02/2010 13:12

YANBU
Let him dream on for a day or so, I am sure he knows very well he is NOT buying that laptop...

skidoodle · 17/02/2010 13:13

No, when all the necessities are sorted they need to put some money by for the next time there is a toothbrush emergency.

fedup1981 · 17/02/2010 13:14

Yeah I don't mind him having a new laptop eventually but I'm not happy about him getting one before we've bought any baby stuff. He does need a new phone (as he had a company mobile) and I will let him get one, I'm not deliberately trying to be mean or controlling about the money. But then if you partner makes a poor decision about money, I think sometimes you have to step in?

OP posts:
fedup1981 · 17/02/2010 13:16

lol at toothbrush emergency! I'm sure this will be one of those things you laugh at years later. At the time it was a symbol of how skint we were, pretty depressing.

OP posts:
heQet · 17/02/2010 13:21

I agree. I think on this occasion his priorities are screwed up!

But I understand what it's like, when you have nothing sometimes you just want to say sod it, and do something stupid

But you can't. Not if your child needs something. They come first. They have to.

I think 'telling' him no might not have been the best way to go about it, it's probably made him feel like a child!

Maybe sit down and say look, we need X, y and z for the children. If we buy a laptop with this money, how are we going to get the other things that we need?

upahill · 17/02/2010 13:22

I'm sorry you have had a rough time fedup.... I've been through times like that and it isn't easy.

I don't think you are BU at all. When we began to come out of financial trip to hell DH treated us to a weekend away (less than the price of a laptop!)But that was only when the kids were sorted and all our debts were paid and not a penny before.

I can't see the point in another computer especially as you are not out of the woods yet as far as money is concerned

edam · 17/02/2010 13:24

You are only human and you are right. OK, so maybe saying 'no' was abrupt, but he's a grown man who was being daft. He should be able to cope with 'no' occasionally!

wb · 17/02/2010 13:25

YANBU at all. Am quite that he would even consider a laptop anywhere near the top of the priority list in these circumstances. Like skidoodle says, first buy the essentials for your kids (and yourselves) then put the rest by for emergencies/rainy days.

sungirltan · 17/02/2010 13:28

yanbu - but men don't think like women do ime. maybe he just got so excited that there was a chunk of extra money that he thought about a laptop on a whim.

i know when i was scrimping that it gets you down so much that when theres a windfall your brian goes overborad thinking 'omg! money! what can i buy!!'

if he insists on the laptop though......then he's being a tit

fedup1981 · 17/02/2010 13:46

Yeah, perhaps I should have phrased it a little better but I didn't really want to leave any room for him to talk me round! I used to be a soft touch with him, I spoiled him whenever I could afford to but it was taken for granted and never reciprocated so I'm forcing myself to be tougher on him.

I need a proper partner, not another child who thinks he's entitled to toys and presents and treats. The kids come first, and he needs to realise he's not first in the queue any more.

OP posts:
coppertop · 17/02/2010 13:57

YANBU.

He sounds like an overgrown child.

DebiNewberry · 17/02/2010 14:02

It's unreasonable that you were put in the position of saying no to such an utterly ridiculous want.

It's ok to dream, but food/shoes/toothbrushes/rent have to be paid first.

babyicebean · 17/02/2010 14:08

I have a boys coat here - perfectly good and thick just outgrown.You are welcome to it as it will just be given to the charity shop when I can be getting up there.

Its a thick browny coloured one with a fleecy lined hood.

scratchet · 17/02/2010 14:20

Fedup - have you applied for the £500 sure start grant? I know many who thought they wouldn't be entitled to it but were. Sometimes it is better to claim after the baby is born as it goes off the amount of tax credit recieved. HTH.

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