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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody MIL and her insensitive comments

53 replies

sandyballs · 17/02/2010 11:22

She really annoyed me this morning. My brother and I were adopted as babies, he isn't my real brother in the blood sense but most definitely is in every other way.

Last Sun when MIL was at my house my brother popped in with his boys and although they?re teenagers they?re really good with my girls and they all have a laugh together, my two love them.

Anyway, we arrive at her place today and she gets this photo out that her brother had sent her and it is a photo of his son?s four
daughters. She shows it to the girls and says ?These are your REAL cousins, your proper cousins, flesh and blood?.
Don?t you think that is out of order. I was on the verge of saying ?But you haven?t seen them for about 10 years Jackie even
though they only live in Portsmouth?.

Plus the fact that her brother?s son?s kids can?t be my kids cousins anyway can they? They are DH's second cousins so
not sure what that makes them to my girls

I feel quite hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
sandyballs · 17/02/2010 11:31

bump

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 17/02/2010 11:32

YANBU. She is a bitch of the highest order. Why would anyone say something so outrageously insensitive?
If it were me, I'd limit the contact with the poisenous old hag.

shallishanti · 17/02/2010 11:35

that's awful, what a horrid thing to say

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 17/02/2010 11:38

YDNBU

What a cow. You need to think about what to say to her the next time she comes out with something like that.

TheFallenMadonna · 17/02/2010 11:38

Some people can't get their heads around adoption. My PIL are the same. They have no idea how to respond to the fact that my dad is my adoptive rather than natural father. I pity them.

Eglu · 17/02/2010 11:38

YANBU, what an awful cow.

BendyBob · 17/02/2010 11:38

Horrible and sounds quite deliberately so. I'd ask her what she means by it I think.

Original poster
sandyballs · 17/02/2010 11:38

It is insensitive and hurtful isn't it. I should have put this in relationships, but AIBU as I know I am not.

Both in laws often talk about me having 'no roots' . I'm perfectly happy and secure and certainly do have roots.

OP posts:
SpicedGerkin · 17/02/2010 11:40

Sounds like she is jealous of the bond to me.

coralanne · 17/02/2010 11:42

This is one time when I think you should have spoken up immediately.

There can be no excuses for her behaviour.

Talk to her and tell her never ever to say something like that to your DC ever again.

My sister's MIL used to make snide comments like that. MIL's eldest son married a girl who had a 1 year old son from previous marriage.

They then had 2 girls. Everyone else completely forgot that son wasn't biological son.

This woman is quite wealthy and every chance she gets she makes reference to what she will leave her blood grandchildren.

cornsilk · 17/02/2010 11:42

how nasty.

Morloth · 17/02/2010 11:44

I wouldn't be letting that one slide TBH.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 17/02/2010 11:47

I'm guessing that since she's not been around you all for a long time, that she can't claim the parent-of-the-year award?

So the only think she can think of where she "wins" is that all her family are blood relatives

Bloody idiot. The idea that family bonds are not as important as blood bonds is so utterly ridiculous.

Don't let her get to you and challenge her one it. It needs to be stopped.

gagamama · 17/02/2010 11:54

Wow, how horrible. And as you pointed out, they're not their 'real' cousins anyway are they? They're second counsins once removed or something. You should've piped up that, no, silly Granny must be getting a bit old and confused, because everyone knows cousins are your aunt or uncles children!

Totally out of line to imply that your nephews aren't their 'real' cousins though.

msrisotto · 17/02/2010 11:56

Jesus what a bitch. I don't suppose it'll be long before you blow a gasket at her, she deserves it.

Katisha · 17/02/2010 11:58

Nest time she starts up about no roots, or makes some other comment, maybe you should have it out with her and explain how hurtful you find it.

Original poster
sandyballs · 17/02/2010 11:58

I am cross with myself for not challenging her, or at least asking her to explain what she means, although it is blindingly obvious

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 17/02/2010 12:00

No reason why you still can't - or better still, get your DH to.

Original poster
sandyballs · 17/02/2010 12:01

We have had conversations where she speaks about my childhood in a ad hushed way and I have said I had a fabulous childhood and could not have possibly felt more loved or wanted.

Whereas Dh says his childhood was pretty miserable. I'm worried that may slip out of my lips one day.

OP posts:
southeastastra · 17/02/2010 12:01

you were probably in shock! what a cow!

MarineIguana · 17/02/2010 12:01

Even if she can't get her head round it, it's completely out of order to say something like that to your children and to you, basically making you feel less worthy for being adopted.

Make sure you tell your girls their cousins are their "proper" cousins and your brother is your proper brother. And I would say something to MIL too - say your brother is as real to you as any brother could be and her comments are hurtful and damaging, and would she mind trying to be a bit more sensitive.

diddl · 17/02/2010 12:02

OMG!
That´s awful.

Do your children like her?

If not I´d be tempted to cut/stop contact.

But then I am a petty b!tch.

SarahMumtoAlex · 17/02/2010 12:02

If I were you I would bring this up with her again once you've calmed down enough. Don't be cross with yourself for not challenging, you were probably so upset you froze. She needs to understand the importance of adoption in your (and by extension) her family. Shocking!

thedollshouse · 17/02/2010 12:02

What a nasty woman.

Although you didn't challenge it at the time I think you should raise the issue now, she must be told that she has upset you and that you will not tolerate such comments.

Rejessta · 17/02/2010 12:08

I have zero tolerance for this kind of controlling nonsense and would have reacted very strongly. At a minimum I would have informed MIL that I don't want my children exposed to her insecurity and will be limiting all contact until I am confident that there would be no repetition of the incident. I would stick to my guns too. Life is far too short to waste it on this kind of nonsense.