Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Bloody MIL and her insensitive comments

53 replies

sandyballs · 17/02/2010 11:22

She really annoyed me this morning. My brother and I were adopted as babies, he isn't my real brother in the blood sense but most definitely is in every other way.

Last Sun when MIL was at my house my brother popped in with his boys and although they?re teenagers they?re really good with my girls and they all have a laugh together, my two love them.

Anyway, we arrive at her place today and she gets this photo out that her brother had sent her and it is a photo of his son?s four
daughters. She shows it to the girls and says ?These are your REAL cousins, your proper cousins, flesh and blood?.
Don?t you think that is out of order. I was on the verge of saying ?But you haven?t seen them for about 10 years Jackie even
though they only live in Portsmouth?.

Plus the fact that her brother?s son?s kids can?t be my kids cousins anyway can they? They are DH's second cousins so
not sure what that makes them to my girls

I feel quite hurt.

OP posts:

oldenglishspangles · 17/02/2010 12:12

what rejessta said.

coffeeinbed · 17/02/2010 12:13

What a complete and utter cow!
She will make that comment again, people like this just can't let it go.
You were probably too shocked to say something, but you will be better prepared if she does it again.

edam · 17/02/2010 12:17

How did your dds react? Were they at all worried by this or did they shrug it off/not really take it in?

If the latter, I wouldn't make a big deal of it to them, just carry on talking about your brother's kids as their cousins.

MIL on the other hand DOES need telling, the mean old baggage.

Think her brother's grandkids are your children's second cousins, btw and your husband's first cousins once removed. IIRC! The respective children share just one set of great-grandparents which is hardly earth-shattering in genetic terms.

EssenceOfJack · 17/02/2010 12:20

YANBU, You do need to challenge it though.

Not quite as bad but when we got married we only invited parents/siblings and very close friends. DH invited his sister and her boys and DP, she is his half sister by his dad.
his grandma (on his mum's side) threatened not to come, or give us a wedding present if we didn't invite his cousins on her side as well as they are 'full blood' and she is only his half sister.

I called her on DH's behalf as he was furious with her and told her that I had heard she wouldn't be able to make it and did she want some cake posted to her with the photos[passive aggressive]
She turned up and never said anything else to me but I know she always used ot say to MIL how it was nice when DD's were born as then MIL had 'proper' grandchildren instead of stepgrandchildren.
MIL never pulled her up on it and it used to piss us all off so much!

KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent · 17/02/2010 12:21

It makes them your children's 3rd cousins, and your mother in law is an evil old cow

Heifer · 17/02/2010 12:43

I would be fumming. I too was adopted by wonder people who already had 2 boys, who are my brothers. If any of the Inlaws ever even mentioned the fact that I was adopted I would be furious! If my own family never talk about it (unless I want to) and my own brothers have never ever said anything, even during an arguement then I do not expect in laws to comment.

I would definately say something to her, probably not at the time. But you need to explain to her that you feel your brother is like blood to you and therefore his family is your family.

She sounds vile so it may make no difference.

gagamama · 17/02/2010 12:54

EssenceOfJack - that's crazy, what a loon, how can you even have a 'full' cousin anyway(unless your family are, um, very close) since of of their parents will be from outside the family....?! Cousins share half their grandparents with each other, half-siblings share half their PARENTS!

TwentiethCenturyHeffa · 17/02/2010 12:58

YANBU, I'd be furious.

My MIL was talking about 'blood relations' at Christmas. We were with her SIL and her adopted DD, another family member who can't have children and myself, DH and DD. She was going on about DH not being related to anyone else but her. It was surreal and very rude. DH said something about DD and me being his family and changed the conversation.

I would say something to her, your brother is your family and she should understand that.

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/02/2010 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EssenceOfJack · 17/02/2010 13:11

Well quite gaga. It was like arguing with a brick wall!

sandyballs, if it helps then the rest of the family hated it but never thought the same, and it actually made DH reinforce to his sister and DN's how much they were family, she was just the nutty grandma in the background IYSWIM. If you dfon't say soemthing though she will keep dropping sly comments like this in, even though you can't change her mindset you, at the very least, can ensure that you and your children don't need to hear about her narrowminded evil little mind.

MrsSawdust · 17/02/2010 13:12

Awful. I'd have to have a word, make sure she knows it's totally unaccetable and never to say anything like that again. If you can't face saying it directly to her, write a letter.

Original poster

sandyballs · 17/02/2010 13:14

Thanks for all your replies.

I will speak to DH about it tonight but I am pretty sure he will just dismiss it as his parents being old etc etc - mil is 68, hardly ancient.

My DDs weren't a bit bothered about MILs comments, they just went straight over their heads - they are almost 9. They are aware that my brother and I are adopted and are quite interested in it all. I might have a chat with them this evening about my views on MIL's attitude. They are very close to her and see her a lot and I worry that her views will rub off on them.

OP posts:

skandi1 · 17/02/2010 13:16

Sandyballs,

Just unreal - how could your MIL stoop that low??

She must have some real issues if she feels that blood relatives thrumph all other relations.
Next time she feels like playing "Relative Top Thrumphs", perhaps you ought to ask her if she feels insecure comparable to the bond you have with your relations....

Or you could just thump her and tell her not to darken your doorstep again.

Its not just insensitive, its deliberately hurtful and clearly aimed at you.

Do make sure you deal with her so it stops, by whichever means you choose, so that your DCs are not subjected to this kind of thing the entire childhoods.
X

flyingdolphin · 17/02/2010 13:17

YADNBU - that is inexcusably bigoted and totally awful - she clearly has a big attitude problem, and I think if you can face it you should bring it up with her when you have got over your initial shock. Or could your dh talk to her? Could be easier coming from her son rather than from you. Or, as MrsSawdust says, maybe write it down in a letter?

Good luck, and don't let her get you down - neither you nor your children should have to listen to this sort of rubbish.

skidoodle · 17/02/2010 13:17

Your husband's cousin's children are your children's second cousins.

Your MIL is a bitch

taffetacat · 17/02/2010 13:20

< sharp intake of breath >

Really nasty. She obv has issues herself of some sort.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 17/02/2010 13:23

She sounds a bit thick tbh

MrsToffeeCrisp · 17/02/2010 13:31

YANBU.

As others have already said she is both incorrect and nasty.

victoriascrumptious · 17/02/2010 13:33

Horrible. You need to pull her up on these things

megapixels · 17/02/2010 13:41

You should definitely speak to her and tell her in no unclear terms that if she dishes out such rubbish again she wouldn't be seeing the kids.

You should have said "No Jackie, X and Y are her REAL cousins", those kids are her relatives".

mylifemykids · 17/02/2010 13:41

YADNBU...what a cow. What did your DH say about it?

I remember going for a 'family' photo shoot with DH's family a few years ago. His nan refused to let anyone who wasn't 'blood' in the photo. It didn't bother me that I wasn't wanted in it, but there are 14 greatgrandchildren, 3 of which are 'step' and she wouldn't allow them in either. Nobody knew she was doing this until we got there....most of the family walked out!

It really bugs me when people say 'oh it's a different generation' as if that makes it any better

minouminou · 17/02/2010 13:42

Nasty.
Needs stamping on.
And so does her tendency to make those comments.
(disclaimer: Minouminou does not really advocate the use of violence against poisonous relatives. Mostly).

radstar · 17/02/2010 16:34

you know you are not being unreasonable no one in their right mind would say such things. I agreee with the person who said she is probably jealous of the bond you have especially if she hasn't much of a relationship with her own family.

It really should be brought up with her though and this is from someone who also doesnt like confrontation, she can't pass such views on to your children. Family relationships are what you make it.

I wish my dh had such a good relationship with his adopted family. His dad has a natural daughter now and it really does seem like he himself is dismising his two adopted children as not as important as his natural daughter, it makes me so but mostly very very He also doesn't seem to be taking much of an interest in our new ds when he is the only grandfather he has. Which makes me even madder as my dad would have been the best grandad ever if he had lived to see him....

I won't hijack your thread with my bitterness on that issue though!

Coldhands · 17/02/2010 18:46

What a bitch! Definately should say something next time, and avoid her until she learns not to spout utter crap to you and your family.

Its not quite the same but I was brought up by my nan and I have 'brothers and sisters' who are either half or not actually related at all, but I grew up with them and to me they are my brothers and sisters. I am close to them and blood means sod all to me. My 'mother' was blood relative and didn't want me, thats why she left me at my nans one day.

twotimes · 17/02/2010 21:12

ooooooooooo she would get it and I'm not even confrontational.............much ..................serious words with the dh methinks

Flip

1 2 3