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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude to take a present if I've been asked not to?

45 replies

MaMight · 16/02/2010 08:21

I had a text from a friend to say that it is her twins birthday today but rather than having a party they would like some friends over for a playdate. She has asked people not to bring presents.

But...

I'm really struggling with the idea of going to see a couple of 4 yr olds on their birthday and not taking them a present!

I have got them a card each, and I picked up a couple of dot-to-dot books. Shall I take them? Or shall I do as my friend asks?

OP posts:

Original poster

MaMight · 16/02/2010 08:22

It's not clear from my OP that I do have children and it is actually my 3 and 1 yr old who are invited to play, not me.

OP posts:

Original poster

MaMight · 16/02/2010 08:23

They're only little, cheap dot-to-dot books. I would have got magazines but there were none. They're just those little activity books - a bit like sticker books, but dot-to-dot.

OP posts:

asteri · 16/02/2010 08:24

I think its sweet that you want to take a present for their birthday, I have to admit I would take one too, has your friend said why she doesnt want any presents?

shockers · 16/02/2010 08:26

Maybe take them in a bag and give them to mum. Tell her what you told us... that you struggled with the idea of not taking anything but didn't want to go against her wishes. She could give them the books later when they're not so busy.

tkband3 · 16/02/2010 08:33

As a mother of twins, I can understand the sentiment of not wanting to be drowning in the type of plastic tat popular for birthday presents - round here anyway .

Having said that, I would feel exactly the same as you and my DCs would hate going to see other DCs on their birthday without taking presents. When my friend's twins were one, she said the same thing - she had two older children and they really didn't need anything - so I bought two of those helium balloons for them to play with. She was very happy with them - a few hours of fun and then she could put them in the bin .

From the mother's point of view, I would be grateful for your small, but thoughtful and useful present. I think shockers' idea of giving her the presents with the explanation is great.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/02/2010 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MmeBlueberry · 16/02/2010 08:37

It's not rude to take a present. If you do, however, make sure it is modest.

gingernutlover · 16/02/2010 08:45

could you take the dot to dot books along with some felt pens as an activity for them to do on the playdate?

The balloons idea is nice too, my dd is 4 and would love a balloon just as much as a proper present.

Original poster

MaMight · 16/02/2010 08:53

Love the balloon idea but no chance to get one now.

Will do as suggested and hand them to my friend to do as she wishes.

Should I wrap them?

OP posts:

MissM · 16/02/2010 09:06

This is interesting as I was thinking of posting something very similar. DD went to a party at the weekend and the mother had asked on the invitations that we didn't bring presents but make a donation to Great Ormond Street hospital instead. When I rang to accept I asked if there was any specific reason why she'd chosen GOS and she said no, but that every year her DD got so many presents from close friends and relatives that parties just added to that and so she chose a different charity every year for party-goers to donate to.

I thought it was a really lovely idea, but still felt very weird going along with just a card, especially as when we got there loads of people had given presents. I don't think the little girl involved even noticed, but I did think it was a bit cheeky of people to bring presents when the mum had specifically asked them not to (and it made me feel bad for being one of the few who did as she asked, iyswim!)

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/02/2010 09:49

I'd still take a token present, children are only young once and its nice for them to have gifts on their birthday. If they are teens and ask for charity gifts fine, but a little unfair for the parents to tell people no presents when they are young and presents are part of the fun.

TheSmallClanger · 16/02/2010 09:54

I'd take a present and discreetly give it to the mum to give to the child later. The cards would go straight to the birthday child.

While the sentiment behind charity donations instead of presents is all well and good, I don't like it done for small children's birthdays. They are too young to understand, and it creates awkwardness with how much to donate.

mnistooaddictive · 16/02/2010 10:00

she may not want to get into a situation where she feels she has to return the gesture and buy presents for your children. i feel we all buy presents for each others children that they dont need and filling up our houses and wasting money.
I still do it though!

Romanarama · 16/02/2010 10:06

She might be trying to teach the kids that a party is about having a nice time with your friends rather than getting a sack of loot. So I agree - give them to the mum and let her decide what to do.

MissM · 16/02/2010 10:10

But if the mum has specifically asked you to donate to a charity instead? Then aren't you just going against her wishes because you think it's a shame that the child doesn't get a present?

I don't know - I admired what she was doing, but still felt weird doing it! Others obviously felt the same as they had brought presents.

TheSmallClanger · 16/02/2010 10:16

MissM - the one time it has happened, I just explained that I had got "something little" for the birthday girl to open. I think it was a little set of colouring pencils or something like that. Most people had done the same. I did do the donation, but like you, felt weird.
It's different when it's a 40 year old man (for example) who you would struggle to get a decent present for anyway.

MissM · 16/02/2010 10:24

How did the mum react clanger?

ChippingIn · 16/02/2010 10:30

Tricky isn't it. I would take the dot-to-dot books as they are only a token gift and can be 'used up' unlike a 'toy'. I can see why parents don't want a lot more 'tat' - but really, they are only little for a short while - let them enjoy it Once they have opened all the presents I will put some away for a rainy day without them even noticing, then bring them out at another time, but when I do, I always say 'Do you remember x gave you this for your birthday!'

TheSmallClanger · 16/02/2010 10:30

She just said something like "that's very kind, you didn't need to, blah blah". She didn't seem bothered. I did say that I'd done the donation thing as well though.
Most people had brought sweets or a small gift for the girl anyway.

Original poster

MaMight · 16/02/2010 10:50

Should I wrap the dot to dot books?

OP posts:

Journey · 16/02/2010 10:50

Bring the dot-to-dot books but don't wrap them. This way it is more of a thank you for having your DC over (just as you might bring a cake or chocolates round when you visit a friend) as opposed to a birthday present.

Pheebe · 16/02/2010 10:57

Here's what I'd do:

Get some cellophane (from florists), wrap books and say a few sweets or a cake or biscuit that your dc have made in the cellophane, attach a balloon and card (not in envelope) to each. Problem solved. Tisn't really a present as such. I agree with other poster its probably the tonnes of £5 plastic shite so-called games they are trying to avoid rather that heart-felt gifts.

posieparker · 16/02/2010 10:59

I read your title and assumed you had taken a present!!

MissWooWoo · 16/02/2010 11:08

Going against the grain here but yes it is rude to go against your friend's wishes.

I understand why you want to take a present but can you not understand where she's coming from - they won't be without presents will they? they'll have presents from their parents and other family.

if you want to take something, take something for the mum - birthdays are a really special day for us mums too aren't they? box of choc/bunch of flowers - she'll be thrilled that you were respectful of her wishes and thrilled that you thought she deserved something special.

witchwithallthetrimmings · 16/02/2010 11:16

I agree with MissWooWoo, i had a party for my dd and said no presents basically because nobody coming would have given her a present if they hadn't oome to the party. I think you have to respect the mothers wishes

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