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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude to take a present if I've been asked not to?

45 replies

MaMight · 16/02/2010 08:21

I had a text from a friend to say that it is her twins birthday today but rather than having a party they would like some friends over for a playdate. She has asked people not to bring presents.

But...

I'm really struggling with the idea of going to see a couple of 4 yr olds on their birthday and not taking them a present!

I have got them a card each, and I picked up a couple of dot-to-dot books. Shall I take them? Or shall I do as my friend asks?

OP posts:

hatwoman · 16/02/2010 11:16

I would take them but not wrap them. I'd play it by ear as to whether I gave them dicreetly to the mum or maybe give them to the kids as a thank you at the end.

MissM · 16/02/2010 11:22

I personally agree with MissWooWoo - I think it's rude to go against the mother's wishes when she has explicitly asked. But I also like Pheebe's suggestion cos it's a present but not a present present .

BitOfFun · 16/02/2010 11:24

I don't really like being told to donate to charity, tbh. I think it's a bit holier than though, and if you don't want a gift, that's fine, but telling people what to do with their money is slightly pompous, in my opinion. Unless the charity is directly relevant, like it saved their lives as newborns or something. Otherwise I'm a bit ...meh.

Excuse the ramble...yes, take colouring books but don't wrap them.

MissM · 16/02/2010 11:32

Well to be fair she did say something like please don't bring a present, but please make a donation to this charity if you'd like to. So she was giving us a choice not to!

I guess it's a bit like the 'please don't feel you have to buy us a present but if you'd like to here's the list' approach at weddings (I realise not exactly the same but kind of...)

BendyBob · 16/02/2010 11:32

I think this can really throw people.

Do they really mean it? Should I take one just in case? It's a birthday and a little present is the norm is it not?

I do think it's a shame really. I know only too well what it's like to drown in presents for dc but.. it is their birthday.

Also a shame to call their presents plastic tat. To them it's wonderful.

I would still take something small.

easyoptionwoman · 16/02/2010 11:37

What is the problem? She asked you not to bring presents - be polite and respect her wishes. I really believe that most kids have enough of everything and that they would be more than happy seeing their friends and playing.

sayithowitis · 16/02/2010 11:41

I wouldn't take anything. You don't know why she has said this nd you may run the risk of offending her. I had a friend who was a Jehovah's Witness and they don't do cards and presents for birthdays. They used to just invite a couple of friends to pay and have tea. There was no birthday cake etc, it really was just like a playdate. If my mum had sent me with cards and presents, they would have been very offended that we didn't respect their views and wishes.

potatofactory · 16/02/2010 11:47

Just do what you have been asked to do. Why wouldn't you?

AmesBS7 · 16/02/2010 11:52

Taking something for the Mum is SUCH A GREAT IDEA! Love it. Will remember it for future parties.
The balloon idea is great as well.
I generally do ignore the 'no presents' rule, but as others have said, don't give the gift to the child direct.
Asking people to donate to charity is a little 'cold', but understandable if people bring complete tat as presents.

PlanetEarth · 16/02/2010 12:28

Kids these days are drowning in stuff, they're really not going to be hard done by if you don't take them a present.

When I was a kid (I'm 43) we didn't give/get presents at birthdays, or party bags come to that. When did all this start?

Plazaz · 16/02/2010 12:58

Is it reasonable to ask for no presents, or is it (unintentionally) unreasonable as it makes things awkward for others who then have to wonder what the right response is?

2rebecca · 16/02/2010 13:02

I can understand saying no presents if the kids are under 2, but my kids at 4 would have been upset to get no presents at a birthday party. I doubt the kids were asked if they wanted presents. She sounds very controlling.
Not sure what I'd do to be honest. I wouldn't want to take a present if asked not to, but I do feel it's not her birthday so not up to her whether her kids get presents or not.
Hope she doesn't insist everyone buys them goats for Christmas as well!

2rebecca · 16/02/2010 13:06

I'm in my 40s and I definitely got presents from friends on my birthday when young. No party bags though, just a balloon and cake.
I enjoyed making party bags though. You can never have too many springy up bits of plastic, bouncy balls and wind up beetles.

Pikelit · 16/02/2010 13:09

There's nothing more annoying than people thinking they know better and over-riding requests. There's certainly a reason why your friend doesn't want people bringing presents. Have the courtesy to observe her wishes.

BendyBob · 16/02/2010 13:11

Yes take something for the mum. She said 'no presents' then ends up with potentially 25 of her own when it's not even her birthday from her dc's friends.

I think I might see the flaw in that if I was one of the children

MissM · 16/02/2010 13:52

Would the child even know or care at the age of 4 though? At the party DD went to there were probably about 20+ kids, and they put the presents on a table at the entrance instead of giving them directly to the birthday girl. So she probably won't actually know or care who did or didn't give her presents and won't miss them.

If it was a party of five kids at her home it might be different of course.

I honestly think that if someone says no presents then you should respect that. To be honest it made my life easier, not to have to run around the Early Learning Centre the day before with DD picking up every Peppa bloody Pig toy and suggesting we buy her (not the birthday girl) that.

Original poster

MaMight · 16/02/2010 14:58

I took the dot-to-dot books, wrapped in tissue paper and liberally decorated in stickers and colouring by my dc.

I am glad I did. It was no big deal. I gave them to the Mum and said I'm sorry, I know you said no presents but we wanted to get them something small. Mum said she really meant no presents, but that it was very kind of us to get something for them. She let them open them when other guests had gone and only we were left.

She wasn't offended or annoyed. Her kids liked the books. My dc liked choosing them.

No harm done.

(I know some people on this thread would have been very annoyed if I'd gone against their wishes, but I know my friend and went with my gut feeling that it would probably be fine.)

(And I think she had said no presents more because she didn't feel she was putting on a proper birthday party, than for any other reason. My guess is that she didn;t want people to spend £20 in ELC and feel shortchanged when there was no pass the parcel or party bags.)

OP posts:

MissM · 16/02/2010 15:21

Sounds like everyone was happy Ma! And I think your explanation for why she might have said no presents is perfectly reasonable.

xb2b · 16/02/2010 15:27

I had a little gathering of family and close friends for my ds birthday. He was 2 on the 30th December, at Christmas we got SO much toys, i didn't have room and had to go buy 2 huge plastic storage box things. There are untouched toys in his bedroom from his 1st birthday/christmas. So i i asked the people i invited not to bring any presents. (not being selfish, but we really had no space from christmas). Everyone thought i was being daft, i was even called cruel. So i suggested maybe they bring a book, or a pair of pj's, or one of those little match box cars. No one listened. The same people that had just spent lots on him at christmas, spent equally as much on his birthday. I was annoyed, and left with hundreds of toys he still has not looked at.
A dot to dot book is a perfect idea imo.

Irishchic · 16/02/2010 18:02

MaMight your friend had to be gracious when you gave her the books and say thank you but that doesnt alter that fact that she really didnt want you to bring anything, and therefore you should have respected her wished instead of insisting on bringing something no matter how small.

If I was your friend, I would have graciously thanked you but secretly been pissed off that you had not done what I had asked. It takes a bit of courage to go against the grain of kids parties and ask for no presents so i think people who do that should have their wishes respected.

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