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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think we should not have sat there and taken this

67 replies

AccioPinotGrigio · 15/02/2010 12:40

A good friend of ours invited dh and I out for dinner on saturday night. He also invited some friends of his we had never met.

DH is a talker and so he kicked off the conversation with questions about them and went on to talk a bit about work and blah blah. All the way through one of the men in the party was just so rude. Picking on things dh said in a very 'belittling' manner.

The subject turned to football, dh is fan of a small local team and takes our ds to home games. This man and his friend sitting next to him snorted loudly at this and went on a rant about how vile football was, how football fans were vulgarians intent on shouting obscenities and engaging in aggressive tribal violence.

When dh tried to argue the other side - that condemning footie as a game for the 'plebs' was at the very least, unfair - this man turned away and said loudly to somebody next to him. "This man insists on talking about football - terribly bad form isn't it". DH let it drop but these men were adamant that football was a heathen sport - despite having only been to one or two games between them.

These people were high achieving, intellectual types - writers and journalists. I did think they may have been looking for an argument - in the sense of a heated debate which is fair enough, no problem having a balanced discussion but to me this was bordering on plain rude - towards the end of the evening one of them even referred to some friends of ours, he had never met, as "odious" - to be fair he didn't know we knew them.

DH was fairly sanguine about it. He didn't feel offended because he thought these people were essentially arseholes with whom we had nothing in common - therefore no need to rise to it.

I on the other hand am so angry that I sat there and took it and am of the opinion that if I ever have to endure the company of these people again, I will not hold back. Dh thinks this is ridiculous and that I am slightly insecure.

OP posts:

Jajas · 15/02/2010 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minouminou · 15/02/2010 13:50

Deffo, rollmops.
Well, I think that's settled, then.
It is hard when you're trapped (IYSWIM) by this behaviour, but these knobwads WANT you to be impressed and intimidated....so zoning out and disengaging really throws them.....makes them glimpse the void they're so desperate to avoid ('scuse repetition of void there)....the void that says "You really don't matter that much....."

bloss · 15/02/2010 13:52

Message withdrawn

OrmRenewed · 15/02/2010 13:53

Oh god I know people like that!

They are called wankers.

Original poster

AccioPinotGrigio · 15/02/2010 13:53

Tricky I wouldn't know how to hint without making it massively obvious.

OP posts:

Original poster

AccioPinotGrigio · 15/02/2010 14:01

Bloss they didn't say football was boring. They said it was vile, a game for the plebs, football fans are foul mouthed, football crowds are dangerous and aggressive. Massive sweeping statements based on nothing except their un-informed opinion.

All this in response to a one-liner from dh along the lines of I take my son to watch local team play on a Saturday and we enjoy it. He wasn't going on about it. If anything they were.

And also, it wasn't the word "odious" which was offensive. It's a perfectly good word, it was the fact that it was used to describe people he had never met in his life.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 15/02/2010 14:02

Is your dh as bothered about this as you?

How many people were at the dinner?

If the host is a 'good friend', I would suggest that you not make 'pointed comments' and hope he understands what you are inferring. Tell him straight that his friends behaved terribly.

sayithowitis · 15/02/2010 14:04

I don't think I would have been able to hold back from at least telling them how rude they were being. But DH would have said and done what your DH has, so maybe it's a lioness protecting her family type of thing?

Aitch, I find this :
men who can't talk about football always feel emasculated about it and lash out, ime.
somewhat sad. Why should every 'man' have to be able to talk about football in order to feel like a man?
My DH is football/sorts mad and could talk the hind leg off a donkey on the subject. DS1 OTOH, can't stand football, knows very little about it and certainly would not want to talk about what little he does know. Why does that make him any less of a man? He has many friends who are of the same opinion as him and also many who are very much into football and other sports, indeed, one of his best friends plays his sport at international (youth) level for his country. Presumably they feel my DS1 has other attributes than being able to converse about sport.

pagwatch · 15/02/2010 14:10

I think professional football is revolting, I don't have a great opinion of a decent chunk of fans either tbh. But a father talking abouttaking his son to a local sporting event, talking about coaching a team etc is great and i would be very interested.
Talking down to anyone at a dinner shows very poor manners and a very slim grasp of acceptable behaviour.
I think your DH emerges with some class.
Your reaction is equally understandable because I am much more pissed off if someone is rude to my lovely DH than if they are rude to me

Original poster

AccioPinotGrigio · 15/02/2010 14:14

earlybird in response to your questions.

I reserve the right to make pointed comments to my friends and I did so because I was feeling peeved in extremis.

However, I don't feel that it's his problem or that I need to tell him his friends behaved terribly. What's he going to do? Tell them off?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/02/2010 14:17

my DH doesn't talk football

he has no interest in it...could probably name only a couple of players in the top teams

he would listen politely to someone who did though

stealthsquiggle · 15/02/2010 14:25

My DH hates football too but there is no way he would react like that. They were clearly massively insecure.

Write off the 3 hours to experience - what you learned was that you never want to go out with that group of people again. I know people with whom I have wasted a lot more than 3 hours before I came to that conclusion . FWIW, I think your DH took the right approach - would the evening have been made more bearable by a flaming row? (actually, I guess that depends on your point of view - my DH likes nothing better than 'open and frank discussion'. I hate it)

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 15/02/2010 14:30

"Aitch, I find this :
men who can't talk about football always feel emasculated about it and lash out, ime.
somewhat sad. Why should every 'man' have to be able to talk about football in order to feel like a man?
My DH is football/sorts mad and could talk the hind leg off a donkey on the subject. DS1 OTOH, can't stand football, knows very little about it and certainly would not want to talk about what little he does know. Why does that make him any less of a man? He has many friends who are of the same opinion as him and also many who are very much into football and other sports, indeed, one of his best friends plays his sport at international (youth) level for his country. Presumably they feel my DS1 has other attributes than being able to converse about sport."

tbh sayithowiseeit, i'm just saying it how i see it. as your son moves on in the world, career etc, he will find that not being able to talk about sport (i should have specified sport rather than football) will possibly be a problem, it's a male passport thing. he may get away with it if he's a muso, but ime it's the non-sport creatives who are the most prone to lashing out as to the primitive nature of sport.

ask him about it in ten years, i've asked my male pals, those who don't like sport, they all say that it's a gene they've found themselves wishing they had. much like me and music. i don't get it, i don't listen to it, i can't bear people blethering about it. but would my life have been a bit easier if i was a muso? absolutely, because it's an instant friend-maker.

AshleyFanjo · 15/02/2010 14:33

You met some people you had nothing in common with. Get over it.

From the way you have described it they do sound rude. But I wouldn't be surprised if there was more to this story. You said at the start your husband is a talker and kicked off the conversation asking questions.

Maybe they felt he was dominating the conversation and leading it to topics they weren't interested in and despite letting him know he ignored the signals.

Whatever happened it sounds like you OH has the right idea. Let it drop, you can't get on with everyone you meet and I bet they aren't ranting about you with strangers on an internet chatroom or anywhere else.

stealthsquiggle · 15/02/2010 14:33

Aitch - I think your point is more valid now you have changed 'football' to 'sport'. My DH doesn't like, play or watch football but because he is tall and big and used to play rugby (and swim, and play basketball, and...) it is "OK" for him not to like football. I absolutely agree that most men I know who are really not interested in sport in general end up pretending an interest in order to get by.

Earlybird · 15/02/2010 14:38

Regarding what your friend might do about the rudeness - obviously nothing he can/should do.

My suggestion of being straightforward and honest was simply to let your friend know that you/dh didn't enjoy the evening at all (and why), and that you don't want to be with those people in future social situations.

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 15/02/2010 14:44

yup. dh doesn't play sport as he has a bad back and always has, but he's a hilarious pool and table tennis (lololololol i acknowledge this is less cool) shark and a professional sports gambler and it is AMAZING how men gravitate towards him and think he is a god because he makes his living from backing his hunches.

OrmRenewed · 15/02/2010 14:47

I don't care what the subject was, it doesn't matter, you simply don't behave in such a way. There are always ways of changing the subject without resorting to nastiness. Arrogant rude tossers.

Original poster

AccioPinotGrigio · 15/02/2010 14:48

*...... I bet they aren't ranting about you with strangers on an internet chatroom or anywhere else."

AshleyFanjo They wouldn't have anything to "rant" (am I ranting?) about. We sat there like lemons and listened to them get hysterical, make sweeping statements and essentially mock my dh. I have been feeling shit about not defending him since Saturday and needed to make sense of my feelings which is why I posted on mumsnet. This has worked for me in the past. I should, as you so sensitively put it, "get over it" and so I am off to do just that.

Ladies - thanks for your comments and feedback. This thread has definitely helped to put things in perspective.

OP posts:

ooojimaflip · 15/02/2010 14:49

A professional GAMBLER! That's almost as bad as an Investment Banker ;)

OrmRenewed · 15/02/2010 14:53

Bugger me ashley! You must have been there to know what went on so much better than the OP .

AnyFucker · 15/02/2010 15:05

rather a snippy comment you made there ashley

are you actually one of the twats at the dinner party ?

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 15/02/2010 15:18

it's exactly the same, tbh, all inside info and professional vision. but without damaging any innocents, which i like. just the bookies.

Boobalina · 15/02/2010 16:11

I would find it hard after a few drinks not to say to these people 'Gosh, arent you rude' - usually stops people in there tracks, more than calling someone a poncey twat or ignoring them.

I hate evenings like this!

Ziggurat · 15/02/2010 16:28

I have very controversial opinions on football and think it - and everything associated with it (WAGS, players who can't keep their dicks in their pants, yobbish fans) - is horrible.

I also find men who have no interest in football infinitely more interesting than the fanatics who do.

But I keep these opinions to myself (well, except on here ) and would never opine loudly at a dinner party in the manner of those arseholes.

I think your DH handled himself perfectly - no need to lower himself to their standards.

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