sexual behaviour in 7yo

[littlemama]

A month ago at a family party, dd1 aged 3 had been playing with her brother and cousins when she came to me crying saying her male cousin aged 7 kept putting his hands in her pants.

I immediately went to my SIL, the boy's mother, to explain what had happened, expecting her to give him a talking to. She went to find him and came back 2 minutes later saying 'that's not what happened, she is crying beacause she fell off the bed. That's how rumours start...' as her son denied anything had happened (as he would). I didn't see why any 3yo would make this up, but as there was some doubt I dropped the matter hoping it was a one off. The next day I explained to my kids about privacy, private parts etc.

Anyway, yesterday, another family gathering, kids playing hide and seek, I hadn't realised dd1 was 'hiding' in room with 7yo cousin (had been watching dd1 all afternoon as the 4 kids raced around the house together, obviously not watching well enough), dd1 came out of room crying and saying she wanted to go home. I asked (without leading her) what had happened, she told me 7yo had put his hands in her pants and lain on top of her. Ds1 aged 5 piped up with '[cousin] keeps pretending to be nice so she won't go and he can put his hands in her pants'. Apparently he had been doing it all afternoon.

So, I told cousin this behaviour is unacceptable, he shouted 'I didn't do it, why would I do that?!' and ran off. His mother was there listening, but did absolutely nothing. AIBU to expect some action from her?

Obviously dd1 will be staying by my side at all family dos from now on, but I am also worried for the cousin and his 2yo sister. SIL seems to think he has done nothing wrong, perhaps thinks this is just innocent exploration? I think it goes beyond that and needs addressing ASAP. Have asked DH to speak to cousin's father (his brother) but DH is worried his brother, who has a terrible temper, would make things worse.
Thinking of inviting cousin for tea as an opportunity to give him a talking to myself. What would you do?

this is not normal behavior.

But tbh I wouldn't be speaking to your bil/sil about it. If this child has/is being abused you have no idea who the abuser is, and given your sil's reaction it could well be happening within his own family.

I wouldn't speak to them about it again, and i would call SS in the morning and voice your concerns. Currently there are two children in that family who might be at risk.

I agree with Wannabe. Playing doctors and nurses (with curious investigations) with peers is one thing, but a 7 year old targeting a younger child and being persistent even after she's cried and told and lying about it is extremely worrying. Again, where did he learn this behavoir - it needs invetigating, however unpalatable to you, the kids need protecting.

God, something similar happened to me when I was very young, not sure what age. 2 neighbours, older boys, tried to put their hands down my pants. I remember vividly the skirt I was wearing because it was my favourite and I later put it on one of my dolls, a big doll but never the less it indicates how young I must have been when it happened. Strangely I am still friendly with both guys now, it never happened again and they both turned out ok as far as I know.

Agree that your Sil/Bil need to ensure the boy knows how wrong it is, you've had lots of good advice already here. And as I'm sure you have already, support your DD and reassure her that it's not her fault and you will protect her.

I'm so that your DD has gone through this.

Not sure about rushing in with SS/police and the like.

When my niece was 3 she kept trying to stick her face in her older brother's groin, and repeatedly tried to lick him there. DSis was very worried until she discovered her DD was copying behaviour she'd seen watching The Lion King.

From a Social Services website:

Sexual abuse involves any contact or interaction where a child or adolescent is used for the sexual stimulation of an older, stronger or more influential person. This may involve direct or indirect sexual exploitation or corruption of children by involving them in inappropriate sexual activities. It includes any touching, stimulating, rubbing, or patting that is meant to arouse sexual pleasure in the offender. Sexual abuse can also involve sexual contact between a significantly older child and a younger child. In addition, it includes exposing children to pornography and unsuitable videos.

I never saw that version of the Lion King

I don't think you can call the police - the minimum age of criminal prosecution is 10, so I don't see how they can get involved with anything below that, I assume it is down to the parents. MillyR, when they say 'older, more influential person' I assume they mean someone who is also an adult, or at least teenager.

It doesn't sound normal, I think you definitely need to talk to his mum again. It wouldn't really be fair to call SS or similar before you had a proper go at talking to her about it.

The police can get investigate a group of adults who fail to stop a 7 year old behaving in this way.

Really worrying - the reaction from the "adults" even more so. Keep your wee girl well away and have serious stern words. She is only 3 and cannot protect herself.

Really odd

This is not an appropriate topic for AIBU.

It smacks of generational abuse.

It is NOT normal curiosity, it is abusive and all about power. This awful 7yr old knows that your DD hates it. You know it is happening. Keep DD out of contact with him. Focus on keeping her safe rather than your SIL's reactions. I'm not sure where you might get advice on this, but I'm certain it's abuse. Please don't listen to anyone claiming this is normal curiosity. A 7yr old might explore their own bodies, small children of the same age might be fascinated by bodily difference: a 7yr old putting his hands down the pants of a 3yr old who says no? It makes me feel physically sick to type that. Please keep your DD away from this boy.

This is not right and the 7 yr old knows it or he wouldn't have lied. I would avoid any situation where your DD has to be near him. He has been persistant and predatory. My niece (3) was raped by a relative (child). Don't take any chances
This boy needs help too as his sexual urges are going to get him into a lot of trouble.

brams - i understand what you are saying , but children who abuse younger children are often victims of abuse themselves. The police should be contacted imo, because they will be able to find the original abuser and stop whats going on for both the children`s sakes .
Every sympathy for the op, and her wee girl ..

Melted... the boy who raped my neice had been sexually abused on an almost daily basis by his elder brother who had in turn been abused by another person.
Both boys are in secure units now. You are right in saying that the pattern needs to be broken.

shockers , thats so sad . i hope your neice has recovered. , and doesnt remember.

Sadly it wasn't too long ago and she is still having therapy to overcome it. Her mum is a fabulous lady and despite being traumatised, she does understand that the boy is a victim too .

I agree, with the best will in the world this is NOT an appropriate topic for her, Purely becuase this could be such a serious issue and you might be misadvised here.

Keep DD away from this child and get professional advice, please

In your shoes I would contact the NSPCC for advice.

I've done child protection training & sometimes children who demostrate inappropriate sexual behaviour and/or knowledge (for their age)are often victims of abuse themselves. The denial by DN & the refusal of SIL to acknowledge the problem isn't a good sign either.

I'd definitely ensure your DD is never alone with him again.

I agree that there are two children here who need help. OP do whatever you can for your daughter I really hope she is ok.

I would alert SS about her cousin. He sounds like a very troubled boy and is only 7. If you don't want to go down that route yet, try Childline or Young Minds - YM can give you advice on the pshycological affects and what some of the behaviour is saying and how to deal with it.

In the meantime, all the while the other parents are not dealing with it, you need to keep your DD away or ensure they are only together when you are present.

It doesn't sound right at all.
I also think you should keep your 3 year old away from him.
It's not appropriate behavior. I'm pleased your DD is able to explain what happened. I'm not sure my 3 year old DD would be able to.

Agree with everyone who says contact NSPCC for advice.

Am shocked at the person (Vivia?) who described the boy as "this awful boy". The fact that he may have learned this behaviour via abuse does not make him "awful". It is terribly sad.

But no, it is not appropriate (although may be innocent ... he may have a friend with older siblings who have decided to 'educate' the younger ones). So either you need to be sure your in laws are taking it seriously, or you don't let your 3 yo be with him unsupervised.