Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be annoyed by my MIL cutting my daughter's hair without asking us?

77 replies

parakeet · 14/02/2010 21:49

OK, she only took a little off - I didn't actually notice afterwards (daughter has curly hair, so it's less obvious). I only know because she told me later.

But it's the principle surely! It happened when my husband was visiting her without me, and he asked her to comb daughter's hair in the bath while he was putting our older child to bed - it's the easiest way to comb it with loads of conditioner, because of said curls.

MIL told me later she was encountering knots so she "nipped the ends off" - whatever that means. Actually I know where the tangles usually are, so I think in some places she must have cut off 1 or 2 cm.

You may say as I didn't notice, what's the problem, but it made me a little sad, because at that point my daughter had never had her hair cut, so the first time I cut it I wanted to keep a lock, so it would be a lock of her baby hair. As her hair was only about 2mm long when she was born, my MIL must have cut off her baby hair.

OK, I'm being a sentimental old fool about it, but that's the way I feel. I wanted to keep a lock of her original hair that she was born with and now I can't.

And putting that issue aside - the cheek of it anyway! I think if she couldn't be arsed to comb it properly, she should have said so. If we just keep cutting tangles out, daughter will end up looking like a scarecrow.

OP posts:
Horton · 15/02/2010 16:44

YANBU at all. I would be absolutely furious in your position (and I would tell her because okay, you can't put the hair back but she has upset you and that's not okay).

Maybe buy her a bottle of the kids spray conditioner stuff - it works great on my DD's curly bits - and ask her not to do it again without asking first?

upahill · 15/02/2010 17:46

Anguish! saddness!! furious!!!Over a piece of hair!!! All completely over the top adjectives.

You were going to keep it? That is as freakish as keeping other body parts such as teeth.

Pick your fights but this isn't one of them. Like you said you didn't even notice. Sounds like she was helping out and now she gets slated.

(what is the world coming to with all these uptight women)

wonderingwondering · 15/02/2010 17:53

Just say to her, you'd prefer her not to cut your DD's hair as it makes it difficult to get into any style. And hand over a bottle of conditioner.

Yes, it is irritating, but surely it is better to use incidents like this to begin communicating with your MIL? Most sons don't care what happens to their baby's hair or how mad their mum is, so it is usually much better for you to speak direct to the MIL. Much more productive all round.

And the fact you are 'secretly pleased' that your DH will be going round to, effectively, tell her off, is a normal human reaction (we're all a bit unworthy at times however hard we try to fight it ), but does indicate that maybe you need to build you own, and better, relationship with your MIL.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 15/02/2010 18:05

My (ex)MIL has done this twice.

Fucking liberty. Keep a close eye on her when she is with your DD - it may progress to worse.

CardyMow · 16/02/2010 05:41

I have this, but with my 7yo DS1's dad. DS1 was happily growing his hair into a 'surfer' look. He went to his dad's for the weekend and came back VERY upset as his dad had given him a No2 cut 'because it was too much trying to nit comb it'. . DS1 was beside himself, and even refused to go to his dad's the following weekend. Cue a massive discussion with ex-H about how as ds1 is almost 8yo, if he wants his hair long, then he can have his hair long, and please don't fucking cut it again without discussing it with me first.

OP. YADNBU especially as it would have been 'baby' hair. I still have a lock from the first cut for each of my 3 dc's.

seeker · 16/02/2010 05:54

Oh for crying out loud - she snipped out a tangle - you didn't even notice.

If you tell her she will be justifiably baffled, probably sad and upset, and may very will think you're a bit- how to put this kindly - a bit over protective.

nighbynight · 16/02/2010 06:20

Snipping out tangles is nothing - I have had to do it on dd1's hair which is thick and curly, and goes like felt. you are being a bit U to say she "cant be arsed to comb it properly"

Devendra · 16/02/2010 07:40

YABU get a grip please!! Its a tiny piece of hair and you didnt even notice. There are FAR worse things going on in the world... seriously a little perspective is needed.

btyiew · 16/02/2010 08:00

YABU! Why can't you keep a lock of her original hair - MIL took it all? Maybe if she "couldn't be arsed to comb it properly" she would have said, but perhaps this time she did what she thought best. couldn't be arsed to comb it properly. Get over it.

@TheDevilWearsPrimark "Fucking liberty. Keep a close eye on her when she is with your DD - it may progress to worse."

lol@you.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 16/02/2010 09:30

I'm serious

MIL cut a good couple of inches from DDs hair it looked awful.

Then on another occasion she slathered them both in some foul toxic nit treatment even though they didn't have nits.

She has thrown out clothes from their drawers because 'they have too many'.

But the worst was when she was minding them overnight for me - and took them to sodding Edinburgh to her friends house without asking me and then got stuck due to snow. They were there for four nights and obviously there was nothing I could do about it.

It's all about testing boundaries and trying to assert herself over me. Needless to say she no longer has the DC overnight.

upahill · 16/02/2010 09:58

Do other people keep hair and stuff. It seems somehow dirty and wrong? - serious question as it has never crossed my mind to do anything like that. I asked my mum in light of this thread if she kept anything. She looked at me as if I'd gone mad

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 16/02/2010 10:07

I haven't kept any hair - I do have all the new baby cards , first shoes/ outfits etc but draw the line at body parts hehe.

Chillohippi · 16/02/2010 10:22

I would be livid.

upahill · 16/02/2010 10:28

Why Chilli.... The Op said she didn't even notice it had been cut.

Chillohippi · 16/02/2010 10:31

I don't get on with my inlaws, and I was picturing them doing it. Made me cross just thinking about it.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 16/02/2010 11:18

Yes Livid - I assume the op felt as I did. It's a breach of trust. As though the MIL feels the child is 'hers' and that she can make better choices than you. In fact my MIL topped it off by firstly denying she'd done it, then admitting it with a snide ' it was getting in her eyes I have no idea why you left the poor thing like that'

Some people are precious about these things, first haircut etc, and rightly so. I had to fend off MIL from taking DD for her first pair of shoes (age 8 months...)

GetOrfMoiLand · 16/02/2010 11:24

I think if she had taken your dd to get a Purdy haircut without you knowing, yes your are within your rights to be pissed off, however is she just snippeda few tangles off, I think that's fine.

DD's hair used to turn to dreadlocks sometimes, I often snipped bits off myself. Anything rather than the screams when I used to have to brush her hair and accicentally yanked the knots.

gladders · 16/02/2010 11:25

This is rather OTT? she was combing the hair and snipped a few ends off to get rid of tangles. YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE AT FIRST!!!

the whole baby hair saga is OTT as well? baby hair falls out and is replaced by new growth quite often so your idea that this is the sacred hair she had at birth which has never been touched is rather melodramatic - if you want to keep some then cut some more off now? plenty to go around.

other examples cited on here, i agree MIL was BU, in your case i don't think she was.

Elffriend · 16/02/2010 11:30

I would have been pissed off too. It would be the principle as much as anything although I did keep a small snippet of DS's baby hair - and I am not generally sentimental about "firsts".

That said my sister did keep the umbilical stump from her firstborn.

Not sure if she still has it, I'm too traumatised to ask)

So, YANBU. I have a pet hate of grandparents thinking they have equal rights over grandchildren as the parents.

seeker · 16/02/2010 12:16

A breach of trust for a grandma to snip off 1 cm of tangled hair in such a way that the mother didn't even notice? Oh, purlease!!!!!!!

upahill · 16/02/2010 12:20

Barking!!!!

JemL · 16/02/2010 12:30

yes they do, upahill - my mum has kept mine and my sisters baby teeth, all individually wrapped in tissue paper.

If you think that's bad, I have both Ds's umbilical stumps. They look like beef jerky.

Oblomov · 16/02/2010 12:38

YABU.
She cut it becasue it was tangled. I have straight hair and have cut a knot out of my own before. You are being precious, adn I am shocked at posters, JamesBanana etc saying otherwise. I do get the bit about first curl, not being cut before. But really. Is your MIL vindictive. have you thought what her reasons for doing it was ? I bet they were totally valid. unless there is a history of totally undermining you.

upahill · 16/02/2010 14:28

JemL that made me laugh about the umbilical cord!!

Why do people keep teeth? What do they do with them - look at them on an annual basis or what. (Not being funy or judgemental - just not getting it)

Keeping hair is sending shudders down my spine. It seems creepy!

SloanyPony · 16/02/2010 14:45

YANBU, no. It is not a grandparents place to cut hair without permission of one or both parents.

Swipe left for the next trending thread