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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to want 3 when i only have 1?

30 replies

sofia99 · 14/02/2010 09:35

DH and I had big, sad discussion last night about how many children we wanted - it has always been a bit of a joke that I want 3 and he wants 2, and I've never confronted it as I really didn't want him to actually say NO, so better to keep it light and hope to persuede him after DC 2 is born (due in June). I am usually so rational and I know in my head that it is ridiculous to get hung up on this now - may not be able to have another for a start, may not want to etc etc. However, I like to plan things and i am really worried that he is so adamant he wants only 2 that it is making me feel I might regret it forever etc etc (I have read older people on here talk about this). I am 31 btw. AIBU to want to resolve this now or should I just wait and see what happens or what? I feel so desperate and I don't know why. TIA

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 14/02/2010 09:43

well, am not sure

you can't compromise on the number of children you have

FWIW, I have just had DC2 and i am now adamant after really wanting a family of 3, that she is the last

you have to try to understand why you feel desperate now and why you are so unwilling to talk to him properly about this

ilovemydogandmrobama · 14/02/2010 09:49

It's really funny, but when I was pregnant with DC2, I wanted 3, and so did lots of my pregnant friends.

Wonder if it's a hormone thing?

diddl · 14/02/2010 09:51

I think it´s often more to do with always wanting to have a baby.

It is sad to be pregnant for the last time-but it´s got to happen at some point!

Think yourself lucky for what you have-don´t keep hankering after something else.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 14/02/2010 09:54

I always wanted 4 and DH always wanted 2.

We had 2, 14m apart then then found I was preg again 2ish yrs later so we had 3.

I was happy with my lot and felt 3 was more than enough.

DC4 is now due in April.

IMO you never know what is going to happen.

GoldenSnitch · 14/02/2010 09:58

I'm 31 and have just had DC2 8 weeks ago.

When DH and I first talked about children I wanted 3 and he wanted 2.

Having DC2 has put me off having a DC3 though - it really is much tougher than I expected.

I would wait and see how you feel after DC2 is born before making any huge decisions

havoc · 14/02/2010 10:03

Ruby is right, it's not something that you can compromise on.

I always fancied 3 children, but straight after the birth of DC2 (while walking out of the delivery room, in fact) I thought 'no more' . I've had a couple of scares since then to help me realise that two is enough for me!

My advise would be to enjoy the moment that you are in and worry about DC3 later, if thats what you really want. Either of you could change your mind.

twotimes · 14/02/2010 10:03

I would say don't worry about it now, I always wanted 4, after having 2 and getting a bit of my life back, I decided i wanted to wait a few more years before I had anymore. Now I'm debating whether or not I want to have anymore naturally and we are seriously considering adopting.

As ladyoftheflowers said, you never know what is going to happen.

I would say, wait until you've had dc2, then if you feel yourself really getting broody again, that would be the time to have a serious sit down the dh

lou031205 · 14/02/2010 10:20

DH and I always said 4. When I was pregnant with DD2 he kept saying "as this is likely to be your last pregnancy....". I was irate. I told him that he couldn't decide that alone. But equally, it wasn't for me to push him, so I left it.

DD2 grew, and DH decided that he actually didn't feel finished. We had DD3.

After DD2 I always saw a 'hole' in the family. Now I have DD3, I don't see a hole. I feel content.

DD1 has SN, so although I have 3 under 5 (she is 4.2) It is more like having 3 under 3.

I think it is unlikely that we will have a 4th.

Firawla · 14/02/2010 10:27

Its not his place to just say NO by himself when you clearly are not ready to say to yourself that this will be your last pregnancy. I would say don't let him think that you accepted his idea of 2 only, because then if/when you do want more he could be like saying you were okay with it, and now changed your mind. whereas if you stay firm with it throughout what can he really say?
If you really are keen to have more and you just don't because your dh said no i think you could really regret it, you would always be wishing for that 1 more?
Imo if couples cant really agree on it then the woman should be getting the final say as she is the one having the babies and normally ends up with majority of the childcare more than the men, even when they are dads that do help or try to help
3 is a normal number of kids, its not as though you are begging him that you want one per year every single year til you cant have more is it
I think he would be very U to try and put his foot down on this, but you would not be U to keep persisting that you do want your 1 more. I hope he agrees and good luck with your dc2

Original poster

sofia99 · 14/02/2010 10:33

Thanks so much, it feels like having lots of friends to talk to without having to admit to anyone I know, how irrational I am being! I think I know all of these things but it is really helpful to have them confirmed. I wonder why I feel so strongly -it isn't to do with the baby stage as I enjoy toddler hood/talking/running around more. If I can't compromise on the amount of children I have, what do I do? DH and I have been together 13 years, sepeartion is not a consideration. One of us will have to compromise. I know, I know, wait until DC 2 is born, I know, sigh

OP posts:

Original poster

sofia99 · 14/02/2010 10:33

seperation, sorry

OP posts:

twotimes · 14/02/2010 10:48

"Imo if couples cant really agree on it then the woman should be getting the final say as she is the one having the babies and normally ends up with majority of the childcare more than the men" Firawla what if the man has a legitimate reason for not wanting anymore. If the woman is at home raising the kids who's paying the bills? What if he's working himself in to the ground already and can't afford anymore. More importantly what if leaves because she's gone against his wishes, then she'll be left raising the kids while he's off. It has to be an amicable decision.

Original poster

sofia99 · 14/02/2010 10:56

Firawla, thanks, just what I wanted to hear! I am a good mum, if I do say so myself, love it all and have patience and energy for all aspects of it. I feel like when I was a child wanting a pet, saying 'I promise I'll do all the looking after, cleaning out and everything, pleeeeease' . Twotimes, you are right too. It is because he doesn't want to have to work hard forever, he wants to enjoys his kids and not just be exhausted and spread too thin between them, not UR I suppose, grudgingly. I would never get preganant against his wishes btw.

OP posts:

verytellytubby · 14/02/2010 11:02

You need to go with the flow a little and wait until DC2 is born before making any decisions.

I find 3 children really hard work (and expensive) and sometimes get envious of my friends with 2. I had twins after a DD so didn't get a choice in the matter.

DH would love number 4. No way jose!

foreverastudent · 14/02/2010 11:03

I do think that it is the woman who should have the final say. We only have until our early 40s to conceive, no going back. He could always leave you and go on to have a second family when he's in his 50s/60s.

A word of warning, though, I have a friend who had one child. Her husnand wanted to stop. She got pg again, with twins. A few years later he ran off with her best friend.

twotimes · 14/02/2010 11:49

foreverastudent never thought about it that way tbh it would be shit to be by yourself regretting not having more children while he fucks off with someone else and has a bag of children because he's now ready .

Nightshoe · 14/02/2010 15:18

Actually, I think that if he is saying no then you really need to respect that for now. I think that saying the woman should have the final say is quite selfish actually - you are a couple and you are raising a family which already includes two children. Is a 3rd child really worth so much that you would risk your current family?

You obviously knew that he didn't want more than 2 and it sounds as if you have avoided the conflict in the hope of persuading or manipulating him into it later on. Isn't it better to just be honest with each other? Why should he just have to agree with the woman?

squilly · 14/02/2010 15:22

I always wanted 4 or 5 but instead had lots of miscarriages and just one. I know it's easy for me to say be grateful, but really...you've got one lovely child, another on the way. You have lots to be happy about.

And as many here have said, you might well change your mind after your second arrives anyway. Wait and see what life brings.

mistletoekisses · 14/02/2010 15:31

Honestly - as others have said, wait and see how you feel once you have had this baby. There is no rush to finalise this now.

I had DS2 (2nd DC) 5 1/2 weeks ago...and as much as I get a little sad at the thought of this being our last baby, I can tell you this. I found that the second pregnancy/ postpartum delivery has been far harder on my body than my first pregnancy. It is also far harder with two little ones than I had anticipated - and I have had plenty of help.

Hormones definitely make me want another (DS2 was only 3 days old when I asked for one more)...but realistically and practically...I honestly think that 2 happy and healthy DC's is where we should stop.

foreverastudent · 14/02/2010 15:49

Is he planning the snip after DC2? If he's adament that he only wants 2 but doesn't want to do this I'd be inclined to think that he just doesn't want more than 2 WITH YOU and that he is keeping his options open for HIS later life.

I dont think it is selfish to take charge of childbearing decisions if you are the one who is doing the bulk of the childcare/career sacrifice etc.

Some people are just dead against anyone having more than 2 kids and will do their upmost to make you feel guilty, ignore them and do what is best for you/your DCs.

allaboutme · 14/02/2010 16:11

I always wanted 3 or 4 Dcs. DH never wanted more than 2, he would have been happy with 1.
We have 2 DS's and I would love to have another one, really really love to.
We wont be though as we have had to compromise. Theres no other way.
I've got 2 lovely DCs, which is more than DH would have been happy to stop at (he obviously loves them to bits now even though he only wanted 1 to begin with).
If we had any more DCs we would have to give up a lot in terms of days out, holidays, nice things we do and have, due to financial reasons. We are comfortable with 2 DCs, we would be stretched with 3. We'd be cramped in our house. We would struggle to give them all nice things in the future like driving lessons and help with university fees.
Our marriage would struggle. It was hard enough work with 2 small Dcs when DH was fully on board and helping as much as he could. I cant imagine how hard it would be to manage 3 small Dcs with a resentful DH.

I'd go for another DC in a flash, but theres no way I could force such a huge change in our life on DH when he is dead set against the idea. (and I am SAHM and do nearly all childcare/housework). It is and should always be an equal decision and I am happy that DH and I have both compromised enough to settle and be happy with what we have.
I may always feel a bit of regret for the 3rd child I never had, but at least I'll never regret upsetting my marriage and taking lots of things away from existing DC to have a 3rd child that is not wanted by both of us...

TrillianAstra · 14/02/2010 16:18

Well, what are your choices here?

Leave DH and find someone who wants the same number as you?

Sabotage your contraceptives?

Hope like hell that no2 is actually twins?

Or wait and see how you feel, and talk about it with him?

YANBU to want 3 but YAB a bit U to think that there's no chance you might change your mind.

Southwind · 14/02/2010 16:18

I thought this thread was about biscuits

SeaTrek · 14/02/2010 18:01

I know a few people who have managed to change their partners minds about DC3. I wouldn't say that before having DC2 was the time to do it though!

My DH only wants one. I have no idea whether there would be anything I could do to change his mind. I haven't gone down the whole pleading route though. Just kind of accepted it really. I always thought I would have three!

zapostrophe · 14/02/2010 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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