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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to grass my dh up to his family for being a shit

65 replies

twotimes · 13/02/2010 21:54

I recently passed my driving test . my dh was sometimesish with his support during my learning which took 6 months. sometimes he complained that I was using money for lessons instead of using it in the house or contributing to his car which I just ignored. Towards the end a few weeks before my test he started saying to anyone who would listen that he couldn't wait for me to pass my test as I would be able to share the driving. He even said he thought it would be a good idea to put me as the main driver.

As he works up the road (it literally takes me and 2 dc's under 4 10 minutes to walk there) and it takes me 1 and a half hours to do the school run of a morning I thought it would be a no brainer. I drive the car when I pass my test.

After I passed my test and went to share the good news with him he was really happy for me (it seemed), he even called his mom to share the good news! I then asked him to call the insurance to find out how much it would cost to put me on as an additional driver. When I asked at the end of the day he said he'd forgotten. two days later he'd still forgotten. So I suggested he call then and there to which he responded "Why do you want to drive anyway?" I was like, because I have to take our two dc's to a separate school and nursery every day and altogether it takes me 4 hours during the day. To which we had an argument which ended with him saying "It's my car anyway I bought it with my own money" .

A month later we've gone to stay with the il's; all whom have asked whether or not I'm driving the car yet, to which I replied "DH doesn't want me to drive his car"

Was this unreasonable?? DH is pissed. (Sorry for the long post )

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 14/02/2010 07:41

Hang on, he keeps his salary and you just get tax credits? How is that a marriage?

So you get to walk 3 hours a day with the children, and live on tax credits. He drives to work, keeps his money to himself, what else does he get that you don't?

How is this a marriage? What does he actually contribute to you?

JoeyBettany · 14/02/2010 07:47

Does he actually love you?

This is what I would be asking myself, because his actions do not sound like the actions of a loving husband.

feedtheyakandhewillscore · 14/02/2010 08:09

YANBU he is beyond out of order.

I hate these men who think because they work they rule the house. Makes me furious. He is playing control games with you and you need to make a stand.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2010 09:21

"he has his own money, I gave up work to be a stahm so i only get tax credits (which are shit) and chb."

Sorry, I just don't understand this OP. You are a family (or should be). His salary, your tax credits and chb, all should be pooled to meet the needs of you all. There is no "his". No "his" money, no "his" car.

gingernutlover · 14/02/2010 09:30

my guess would be that he is lazy and doesnt want to walk for 10 minutes

YANBU to have told his family

GreenMonkies · 14/02/2010 09:36

Why are you still married to this obnoxious selfish twat?

Divorce him and take him for every penny of "his own money" that you can.

YANBU and I am very angry on your behalf!!

diddl · 14/02/2010 09:40

Why does he take the car to work?

What a lazy ärse!

I´d be ashamed to do that.

Why doesn´t he at least do the school run on the way to work?

Original poster
twotimes · 14/02/2010 09:43

Devenedra "joint account" didn't the "my money" crap hint at his financial control issues. I mentioned a joint account soon after we got married and didn't bother again! Although he'll be ruing his decision once I' ve qualified as a teacher and earn more than him in my first year on the job.

Differentnameforthis I plan on doing that very same thing! I'm very sure he's threatened, i happen to have just finished a degree he didn't at all help me with, and have got a place on a pgce for next year. All which have contributed to increased self-confidence. So I do think he's just trying to "put me back in my place" but I'm just going to keep telling people (not bitterly of course) until i buy my own!

OP posts:
Original poster
twotimes · 14/02/2010 09:54

Unfortunately he is just that type of person, a stingy tight arse, he's not just like that with me, he's like that with everybody even his twin brother. He bitches and moans if anyone asks him for money. I can't remember the last time he bought himself some clothes, he whinges about the heating, the electricity, food bills etc.

On the other side, he does pay for all of the household bills and I do have to say that if he hadn't done that for the last 3 yrs I wouldn't have been able to get my degree, as I would have had to go to work.

And it's not even that he is a lazy, before he drove he used to walk 45 mins to walk because he didn't want to pay the £2.70 tram fare, it's just because the car is his toy. I knew deep down he wouldn't let me drive it

OP posts:
elmofan · 14/02/2010 10:39

sorry twotimes but "he used to walk to work because he didn't want to pay the £2.70 tram fair " had me in stitches pmsl , i take my hat (if i had one) off to you for being able to put up with him , that attitude would drive me nuts ....
when i passed my test my DH was thrilled & bought me a new car as a well done present , having your own car is great freedom in a way do you think that might be part of the problem with your DH ? is he possessive or controlling in any ways ?

groundhogs · 14/02/2010 10:59

Tell him if he wants to keep the car exclusively for himself, then he gets to do the school run. End of. Go on fmaling strike if you have to, stand up to that idiot.

What a humongous arse he truly is.

My DH is a tight arse, is famous for it, but he'd never deny me the use of his car. I have my 'own' car too.

Save up and get that car from your friend, do whatever you have to do to gain your own independence.

Tortington · 14/02/2010 11:04

oh thats just fucking childish - what is he? 5?

what a total knob jockey

Jenbot · 14/02/2010 12:32

Hmm, I can see this as a story you tell people in a few years in your "Why did I stay with that idiot for so long anyway?" rants.

GoldenSnitch · 14/02/2010 12:55

While DH was still DF, while I was still learning to drive, he surprised me one birthday with insurance papers and L plates as he'd insured me as a learner driver on his less than a year old car!!

When I passed, he changed the insurance to a full named driver and sent me out on my own to practice.

When we could afford it, he bought a new car and gave me the car (he wanted a bigger one, I was comfortable driving the little one)

We've had a joint account since we got engaged and it's always been "our" money, before and since I became a SAHM.

Think I'll go add him to the "My DH is better than your DH" thread - wasn't going to bother as I thought that was normal

Feeling quite sorry for you

paddingtonbear1 · 14/02/2010 13:01

YANBU. I'd probably be tempted to hide his keys and make him walk!

Earlybird · 14/02/2010 13:04

Just curious - how would he have wanted you to respond to his family's questions about why you are not driving?

He's angry because your response (the truth) has made him look bad.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable, btw.

Lymond · 14/02/2010 13:15

When I passed my driving test, DH "gave" me the family car, accepted my and the DC's gratitude, and had a perfect excuse to buy himself a little sporty number that the DC wouldn't fit in!
Personally, I think one of the main things that makes a marriage work successfully is sharing resources unselfishly. That doesn't mean that joint bank accounts are essential, but it does mean that the one of you with the greatest need for an individual resource is the one who gets it.

slightlystressed · 14/02/2010 13:38

His money?? His car?? How ridiculous! You're a family. Tell him to get a grip, act his age and put you on the insurance.

clown7 · 14/02/2010 13:48

Had to post op because your dh sounds so very similar to my ex. I was a SAHM without a car and was not allowed to drive his beloved car. In fact, my ex sounds worse than yours as he didn't even drive this car to work because he didn't want to put miles on it to de-value it!?! So there I was having to take a bus, the train and a tram to get to the nearest large town with our baby twins, whilst his car sat in the garage! Who knows why I put up with it? I blame my exhaustion at the time but it was totally ridiculous. No surprise that he is now my ex then. He was also very tight with money...obviously.

rainbowinthesky · 14/02/2010 14:24

What on earth are you doing with him? This isnt a normal healthy partnership between 2 adults.

traumaqueen · 14/02/2010 14:31

If you went for divorce you would both discover the meaning of the vow 'everything I have I share with you' which you both vowed as a legally binding contract along with 'won't bonk anyone else' and all those other bits.

KERALA1 · 14/02/2010 14:32

clown I thought the OP was bad yours is even worse! Well done for making him an ex your post made my blood boil. Prioritising the value of his car over the comfort of his wife and twins am

MadameCastafiore · 14/02/2010 14:42

Take the spark plugs out of the car and then develop a mysterious illness during which you are unable to get out of bed and let him see how easy the school run is!

What a complete twunt!!

What in god's name are you doing with him?

Dominique07 · 14/02/2010 14:47

So he pays for the bills.
Does he pay for the nappies?
The children's clothes?
Toys/teddies/beds/bikes etc?
With your £50 tax credits or whatever, what does he expect you to pay for?

doubleinstructions · 14/02/2010 14:49

Why do people put up with this crap??