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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed at OH?

50 replies

PorphyrophillicPixie · 13/02/2010 13:20

OH has gone home today for his and his twin brother's joint 21st party. Over the past few weeks I've asked if I could come along and at first he said yes, then changed his mind as it wouldn't be worth the effort , then said that he was hanging out with his best mate for the day so I'd have nothing to do (he's from Staffordshire and we live in Essex) so I suggested coming up later to which he said we couldn't as his brother would be home and it's a surprise party for him really, so I said that I'd just wander about his home town and explore a bit which he wasn't happy about either so said no.

Last week he then told me that he'd be staying home until Wednesday to spend time with his family. Now I'm really keen for him to spend time with them and am always encouraging him to go but he refuses every time, then all of a sudden he wants to go over his party, Valentine's and his 21st birthday and leave me at home. I asked if I could come up on Monday to spend his birthday (Tues) with him, he said no, no point travelling for nothing.

To me it's not nothing though, I'm not too bothered about Valentines but would have liked to be with him and make a cake with him or something small and stupid, I'm more bothered that he doesn't think I need to be there for his birthday party tonight, or Valentine's or his actual birthday on Tuesday.

AIBU to be just a bit miffed and upset with him?

OP posts:
skidoodle · 13/02/2010 13:24

It doesn't sound like he loves you or that you matter very much to him.

Do you live together?

Original poster
PorphyrophillicPixie · 13/02/2010 13:30

We live with my parents, we were long distance before October so I'm not doubting that he loves me as I don't think just about anyone could have coped with me in a long distance relationship very well let alone living together!

He's a typical man and just doesn't understand why I'm upset about it, he said he wanted to go for a walk with his Dad and brother on his Birthday and spend the day with his best mate today which I'm not bothered about, I would have happily sat at his or gone to find something to keep me occupied and his future SIL said she wanted to get to know me and have a 'girly day' together so I would've done that if it meant getting in his parents good books!
They think I'm a terrible influence on him because I encouraged him to do what he wanted to this year rather than go back to PGL like they want him too , they also aren't keen on my behaviour and think that I'm too excitable, too boyish and so on...

OP posts:
Original poster
PorphyrophillicPixie · 13/02/2010 13:33

Sorry, I'm not really good at keeping on topic What I meant is that I had other options available so that he could do things with his family and friends.

OP posts:
skidoodle · 13/02/2010 13:37

Come on, he doesn't want you around for his birthday and you've only been together properly for a few months.

That's weird.

In what way is it being a "typical man" to want to keep your girlfriend completely separate from all the people you care about, unless that typical man is not an honest one?

sayithowitis · 13/02/2010 13:44

Sorry,you live together, presumably ' as husband and wife' and yet he doesn't want you to share in his birthday celebrations or even to see you on his birthday! If my DH ( of nearly 30 years) thought he was not going to see me on his birthday unless it was for an incredible reason, he would have another think coming.

Doesn't sound to me that he loves you, more that you are convenient at the moment and as soon as something 'better' comes along, he will drop you like a hot potato.

thehillsarealive · 13/02/2010 13:45

he isnt a man, he is a boy - and he is probably shagging some local girl in staffs. sorry, but that is what it sounds like to me.

Go out with your friends, have a laugh and make yourself a love heart cake. Dump his sorry ass!

Original poster
PorphyrophillicPixie · 13/02/2010 13:46

I meant typical man in that he doesn't understand why I'm upset, t'was a half-joke-half-truth

I am having doubts over this incident I must admit which is half the reason I posted here. But at the same time, he has been the one talking about our future recently and offering to support me as I study etc, so apart from this he's been his usual, supportive and loving self.

OP posts:
Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 13/02/2010 13:47

agree something else is going on .

Original poster
PorphyrophillicPixie · 13/02/2010 13:56

AIBU to have just gone on his fb account to check messages? There is only one thing that might be even slightly 'seeing another girl' but that's a party invite between him, girl, and a few other people and he just puts an 'x' on the end of his "yeah I'll be there" things. He's not really smart enough to delete things (it sounds horrible I know, but he really isn't!)

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BelleDameSansMerci · 13/02/2010 14:03

I think the problem here is that he is not behaving as if you are a couple. There could be many reasons for this but from what you've said it sounds to me as if either his parents really have a problem with you or if he's not as serious as you are.

Either you're a couple or you aren't...

cluckyduck · 13/02/2010 14:13

Dump him. Honestly- you're 21, you sound intelligent and like a nice girl - ditch him, go out with your mates and enjoy life - it's far too short to be spent checking FB accounts and feeling unloved, take it from someone who's been there.

Original poster
PorphyrophillicPixie · 13/02/2010 14:16

I don't know after posting this and getting these responses. I feel that either I'm being incredibly naive and there is something more to this or he's being incredibly naive and just doesn't realise how it would affect me.

I'm confient that he wouldn't cheat on me just based on what happened whilst we were long distance, I gave him full permission to act as though he was single and he was at PGL where it's very normal to be promiscuous (cannot spell that, sorry!) and he ended up in tears from me suggesting that he go do things with other women, he didn't want too and from my understanding he didn't, I'm basing this on what he said along with friends I had working with him who weren't exactly friends with him.

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MadamDeathstare · 13/02/2010 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodle · 13/02/2010 14:25

He doesn't care how it affects you. That's the problem.

Original poster
PorphyrophillicPixie · 13/02/2010 14:29

cluckyduck: the thing is, I feel the exact opposite. My first relationship was an extremely emotionally abusive one and my now-OH has been extremely supportive of me through all of the shit I've put him through because of that, let alone the rest of it and he's made me feel like the luckiest girl alive 99% of the time, this is pretty much the only time I've felt differently!

I know that I'm young and I could travel and the rest of it by myself but I'd rather share that experience with him iyswim? Now I'm left wondering if it's me or him being naive

OP posts:
cluckyduck · 13/02/2010 14:35

Ah Pixie, I'm sorry I didn't mean to condescend you- I'm only 25 so do understand where you're coming from!

I think he may well be naive in failing to see how his actions would make you feel, is it 100% decided that you won't go, or can you have one final chat about it? I think it's worth having a proper chat about it if it's now too late.

Original poster
PorphyrophillicPixie · 13/02/2010 14:35

Madam: that's exactly why I'm annoyed! It's only his parents who aren't keen on me, his brother and sister are fine. They think that I'm not a good influence and possibly that I've taken him from them as they really wanted him to go back home but he stayed here (logically it was better, 4 adults as opposed to 6/7 in one house!) but from what I know, he really looks up to his parents a lot and doesn't like displeasing them. They desperately wanted him to go back to PGL this year, so much so that even after he told them we were staying here his Mum carried on emailing PGL on his behalf and told them that he'd be going. It was only when the contract came through that she told him. they control him to some extent and that always worries me. He hasn't told them that he's planning on getting a place down here with me yet, or that he intends on having a future with me because he doesn;t think that they need to know, they still expect him to come home and say that we aren't together anymore, that's how much faith they put in him finding somebody right

OP posts:
cluckyduck · 13/02/2010 14:36

That should say 'not' rather than 'now' !

Original poster
PorphyrophillicPixie · 13/02/2010 14:40

clucky: No, I know what you mean honestly I do! I feel on one hand that I should forget about relationships and just travel and do my own thing and whilst I'd love to do that, on the other I really want to settle down or at least be with him and do the travelling with him, even if it does present problems I wouldn't have without him!

I think I might just tell him that I'm coming up on Monday, I don't see why I shouldn't! It's his birthday that I dislike missing anyway, I could've handled Valentine's and the party but his 21st birthday? Not fair.

Though thinking about it more, I don't know how much of it is him feeling like he needs a break from my family [and me], how much was his parents pressuring him, how much it was about us having no social life here as neither of us know people here and both of us have only just started work and everything else in between.

OP posts:
cluckyduck · 13/02/2010 14:50

I mean he is only 21, he may need a break from living with the in-laws, and not knowing anyone etc, but why should that be at the exclusion of you? I would DEF go on Monday or even Sunday - but do warn him before you turn up, otherwise that would be awkward....!

I would say that this is your time in life to be completely selfish - if you want to travel - do it, or be with this guy - do it! As long as you're prepared to take responsibilty for your decisions, and know that it may all end on tears then just do it! You don't need an Internet messageboard to tell you that

Original poster
PorphyrophillicPixie · 13/02/2010 14:59

Thank you clucky, I wasn't expecting this response as I said! I was just peeved that he went home and didn't think I would want or need to be there and needed to blow steam!

I am wondering what's going on in his head now and am not sure who's being the naive one here, but I'll leave it for now and keep this thread in the back of my mind for a while and see if anything else crops up that would suggest cheating or just not being ready for this or whatever. I just called him and told him to call me back when he isn't busy which I'm wishing I hadn't done now as he's in the car with his father who will no doubt put doubt in his mind which is the last thing I need. But I'll be having a stern word with him later just to try drill it into his head that yes I am bothered and yes I will be coming up there for his 21st.

OP posts:
cluckyduck · 13/02/2010 15:04

Good for you!

When he calls just be honest about how you feel - he probably doesnt realise any of this is going on in your mind

good luck (and have a brilliant weekend!)

LowLevelWhingeing · 13/02/2010 15:06

It is very very odd to not invite your partner to your birthday celebrations. Particularly such a milestone birthday.

Original poster
PorphyrophillicPixie · 13/02/2010 15:09

lowlevel: I know. I'm being semi-optimistic about this and am going to hope that he just doesn't realise what he's doing to me here.

OP posts:
Runoutofideas · 13/02/2010 15:37

I think he's having a bad attempt at keeping everyone happy. You've already said how his family control him, and he obviously feels he has to be there for his birthday or incur his mother's wrath. As you've said you don't get on with the parents, he's probably trying to keep you apart to keep the peace, but without realising how upset it makes you. I would try to have a straightforward coversation with him about it and see what response you get....good luck!

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