To be miffed at OH?

[PorphyrophillicPixie]

OH has gone home today for his and his twin brother's joint 21st party. Over the past few weeks I've asked if I could come along and at first he said yes, then changed his mind as it wouldn't be worth the effort , then said that he was hanging out with his best mate for the day so I'd have nothing to do (he's from Staffordshire and we live in Essex) so I suggested coming up later to which he said we couldn't as his brother would be home and it's a surprise party for him really, so I said that I'd just wander about his home town and explore a bit which he wasn't happy about either so said no.

Last week he then told me that he'd be staying home until Wednesday to spend time with his family. Now I'm really keen for him to spend time with them and am always encouraging him to go but he refuses every time, then all of a sudden he wants to go over his party, Valentine's and his 21st birthday and leave me at home. I asked if I could come up on Monday to spend his birthday (Tues) with him, he said no, no point travelling for nothing.

To me it's not nothing though, I'm not too bothered about Valentines but would have liked to be with him and make a cake with him or something small and stupid, I'm more bothered that he doesn't think I need to be there for his birthday party tonight, or Valentine's or his actual birthday on Tuesday.

AIBU to be just a bit miffed and upset with him?

I've just shouted at him and told him to not bother coming back. I really didn't mean too but I got upset I asked him how he'd feel if I had told him not to bother being about for my birthday and he said he'd be really upset and I just blew up at him. What have I done?

All you've done is be honest - I'm willing to bet you'll get an apology phonecall by the end of the evening... And if he doesn't then he wasn't worth it anyway, seriously.

erm maybe he's having a boys only bender with his twin brother and friends. Be straight with him and ask him why he doesn't want you there because you think it's a little shitty on such a big birthday.

twotimes: it's not a big bender it's a surprise party organised by his brother's fiance and her friends, so definately not a boys only thing.

I called him back, just got off the phone to him after an hour and a half. I hate phone convos The jist of it was me telling him that as a couple we're supposed to spend special days together and supposed to want to spend those days together and if he didn't actually want me there (which at first he said that he didn't) then there is a huge problem in our relationship that is his feelings at the end of the day and he needs to work out what he actually wants out of this.

He's said that he wouldn't dream of cheating on me and I believe that and has also said that he just doesn't think sometimes, which is entirely true. But the heart of the matter really is that if he cared about me as much as he thinks he does then he would want to spend a day such as his twenty first with those he cares about, including me.

He asked why I hadn't mentioned how I felt before but I tried, and each time I was rebuffed.

I don't know what's going to happen now. At first he kept bringing up things which was quite childish but I know that I've done it in fights before and that we all do. I never realised how badly he took these other things though He was wrong to mention them now and we agreed to talk about those later after we sort this out but it still makes me feel worse knowing that I have problems that affect him worse than I ever imagined previously.

Life is too short and you are too young to be having these kind of hassles. Sorry if that sounds patronising, but I gotta say it...

www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/068987474X

I just ran your post past my husband, and he said what I'd expect from a man, which is, "why wouldn't I want you at my birthday party??" (I say the response I expect from a man because of your 'just like a man' comment previously )

The book link is me being blunt, but to be honest, the only man I've ever dated who would have tried this stunt is also the only one who was a great big liar. The more excuses you feel like you have to make for a guy, the more likely it is that he isn't deserving of them. Just my opinion. good luck.

oops sorry I had this window open for ages, I missed about a page of responses. Sorry if I repeated something that was already said! There's loads more information been added now I see...

I think some of the posts here are a bit harsh, assuming that your OH is hiding something/doesn't care about your feelings. It might also be that you've not yet figured out how to communicate your needs and feelings with each other. DH and I got together at 22, and 14 years later we've only just about cracked it (DH is much better at it than me!). In the early years we had quite a few dramatic and unexpected blow-ups, because we didn't talk to each other properly.

You seem pretty convinced that he really does love you and wouldn't cheat on you - trust yourself.

I might be stating the obvious, but here are a few things I didn't know when we first got together:

1. When something upsets you, say so straight away. Don't let it fester, gaining significance, until you suddenly explode because everything about your relationship suddenly feels terrible. OH's can - and sometimes will - change their behaviour, but you need to give them a chance by telling them that it's causing you a problem.
2. Don't imagine all kinds of additional meaning to what your OH is saying/doing. Particularly, don't make the classic mistake of thinking that you shouldn't need to tell your OH there's a problem - that if he really cared about you he'd realise that xyz was going to upset you. I'm not saying that he shouldn't be considerate, but men simply don't spend as much time thinking about what their OH might be thinking or feeling as women do. If he says something, it's probably not code - he means exactly what he's said and nothing more. If you want him to do something, he probably won't guess - you'll have to tell him.
3. Discussing a problem in your relationship constructively is really hard, but it's more likely to be successful if you focus on the behaviour which is problematic, and how that makes you feel. Don't turn it into a personal attack, otherwise the other person is likely to get defensive and then you won't get anywhere. E.g. Don't say 'You never do x, don't you care about me?', instead say 'When you do x, it makes me feel insecure, I feel like you don't really want me with you.'. A good format is: what the problem is, how that makes you feel, and what it is you want to change. And listen to what they have to say
4. Don't panic too much about this. Things do get out of balance every so often in a relationship: being able to work it out together is what will make your relationship continue to be strong and wonderful.

Good luck, and I hope you manage to work things out!

Sorry, but it still comes back to a bloke not wanting his girlfriend around for his 21st birthday. The girlfriend he lives with. His twin brother's fiance has arranges a surprise party. So twin brother's fiance will be there, why not the OP? This stinks to high heaven.

He sounds like an utter knob.
FGS, don't tell us you have a kid together.

fizzwhirl: Thanks, I'm printing this thread off to show him and that's definately something he needs to see because hearing it from me (the not bottling feelings in particcular!) is something he just doesn't do -_-

WhereYouLeftIt: It does stink. I'm more angry than upset now but thinking a bit more rationally.

moondog: No! lol Nonononono, as much as I want children in the near future I would not be stupid enough to bring a child into a relationship that is still 'budding' so to speak. I don't want to make the mistake of becoming like a huge percentage of the girls I went to school with by having children without being stable.

I have lectured spoken to him about this a lot yesterday and today, yesterday was more shouting today more actual discussing. I think he's the one being the naive one here, he really does not fully understand why I'm so upset about it but he does realise that I am very upset and worried about what comes next if this is the way he feels about things like this.

I told him about this thread and gave him the jist of what each poster had said which I think made him realise just how serious this is to me. He had asked his family and only his Dad actually sympathised with me apparently so hopefully this thread is the wake up call he needs. He ended the call earlier sounding very much like a dog with it's tail between his legs telling me he'd think about everything I've said.

Hopefully we'll be able to learn from this and I'll work out my feelings before he runs off home again and he'll pay better attention to things. He honestly is not a terrible person, just very very misguided on occasion. This is the first [and last if I have anything to do with it!] stunt he has pulled like this so I'll forgive him and try work through it.

Thank you everybody on here, I know that many of you probably think I'm being a naive young girl/woman and I possibly am and I give you full permission to say 'I told you so.' should the time come, however I can see myself experiencing life with this fool guy for some time yet quite happily should we start communicating quite a bit better!

good luck pixie x

Thanks AF

I feel for you being left out but on the other hand, I can see it from his family's POV.
I don't think I'd be jumping for joy if DS1 (22) moved in with his girlfriend and her family instead of going off and experiencing the world. I would think that if his girlfriend loves him, she would want him to do all the things that help a person to grow. However, PGL would be something that they could do together as young, child free people. There are many years ahead for settling down.
( I'm assuming that you meant PGL as in the camps )
I'll bet you're a fab girl and he appreciates you but he's not had chance to grow up properly yet.
If that sounds patronising, it isn't meant to... I know that I hadn't finished growing up at 21 but I did have DS1 at that age and if I could go back and change it to having him later (say 28), I definately would! I was too young to settle down.

Hi there Verity

PGL is a kids adventure camp thing. We both worked there in 08 (how we met) and he went to France last season whilst I was nannying in the UK. It's basically uni without the classes and neither of us are keen on that. It's very bitchy and full of people sleeping around and where it was a good short-term experience, it isn't something to keep doing like his parents want him to do. I know people who've been working for PGL for 4/5 years and they're wasting their lives there, they don't want to grow up whilst me and OH do and want experiences bigger than PGL.

We were supposed to go to PGL this season (to please his parents more than anything) but they fucked us about, told me I'd be going to France and him that he would be staying in the UK and it just isn't worth the hassle really, we wanted a season in France if we were to go but they wouldn't give it to us.
His parents wanted him to stay with PGL so he a) wouldn't be living at [their] home and b) they are concerned about the economic climate at the moment and knew that PGL would offer him work. They know he hates it but don't want him trying to build his qualifications right now.

& we can't afford to do much at the moment as neither of us have money. And whilst I'm keen to go to NZ and work he's not. He wants to start working on his career goals which is fair enough imo, I've got a similar mindset but would like to do other things to complement that (like volunteer work abroad when I can afford it) iyswim? I've been offered loads of work in Aus and NZ recently and we've been offered work together too, but he doesn't want it and I'm not sure if I do either right now because I'm just starting to get qualifications and things sorted. Not entirely sure how he feels now though as the Police Force turned him down on Thursday and we haven't had a chance to properly chat about that yet.

I take my post back! You sound like someone who wouldn't want to 'clip his wings' in the slightest!
Good luck!

Thanks shockers That did make me realise that maybe his parents are thinking that though. Don't get me wrong, I would really love to settle down and am torn between saving money for a flat or for travelling, but he's very keen to get a flat first then travel in bits later on (rather than spending a year in NZ like I want too ) but he hasn't told his parents this and they see him as the only one out of their three to be adventurous (the other two still live at home at 23/24 and 21) so maybe they do want him to live a bit more than he'd like too and think that it's me holding him back.

On the travelling front, I can understand where he's coming from because if we went somewhere for a year then we'll be back in the same boat when we get back: no money and jobless with no place to live and no qualifications. But I want to settle down soon so would like to just experience a bit more before I do, but then I'd have to give up qualifications and what I've started here.

Oh the joys of being a young adult!

OR.... you'll be back in a year with some fabulous experiences and memories that will sustain you during your less exciting years

Theres that too It's difficult trying to work out what I should do from what I want to do. I need to stay here and save money for a start so I'll be here a while yet pouts

Let us know how you're getting on then won't you?

I will do, thank you [everybody]

I thought that I'd just update. We've decided that living here is just too much, we need our own space and our own life that isn't being stuck in Essex with my parents and no friends. So we've decided to give up on trying to settle in and down for now and just go back to seasonal work where we'll have our own space (which has been a big issue) and own lives as well as each other.

We've applied for quite a few jobs the past few days and both of us have been offered interviews for JCA (a TUI company like PGL based in the UK) and Neilson (a Thomas Cook company with a variety of jobs, me in childcare and him using his moutain bike or brand new fitness instructor qualifications!) so we're hoping for Neilson but would be happy with JCA as both companies can offer us continuous seasonal work in a vast variety of places and companies (through their umbrella companies) for the coming few years.

It'll also help us really thrive I feel and work out what we wan, when and gain some experience that will hopefully allow us to come baack one day and be able to have lives.

Thank you all again for the sheer bluntness and the advice, I honestly appreciate both very much!