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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For being so angry and jealous

35 replies

Giggle78 · 12/02/2010 14:56

I really try to be logical about this situation but every so often it rears its ugly head and I upset DH all over again.

Basically I earn triple what my DH does. So there is no choice for me but to go back to work after 26 weeks. DH will stay and look after the baby. BUT here is my problem. I blame him for not working harder and earning more. He always says "But you know who you married and what I do". I want to smack him in the face because its so defeatest. I also feel so sad that I have to go back to work and he gets to stay at home. Maybe I'm sexist but it just feels so wrong for him to be at home - he's a young man he should be out working. Am I being unreasonable for wanting him to at least look for another job and stop him doing what he loves?

OP posts:

said · 12/02/2010 14:58

YABU in that you are being sexist. I would struggle with being the only earner though, so can understand why that grates. I would hate that responsibilty

MarshaBrady · 12/02/2010 14:59

Depends, what does he do?

diddl · 12/02/2010 15:01

Is he in a job where he would never earn enough for you to stay at home, or has he kept himself deliberately on the bottom rung iyswim?

LaurieFairyCake · 12/02/2010 15:01

I think you're unreasonable to 'stop him doing what he loves'.

If you don't love your job then find one to love if its important to you.

I can't think of anything better than loving your job even if it comes with rubbish pay.

Take away someones enjoyment in life at your peril.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 12/02/2010 15:02

YANBU to be jealous that and YANBU to want to stay at home with your baby. But for the rest of it, sorry, YABU and sexist.

OrmRenewed · 12/02/2010 15:04

Oh dear I sympathise. You are where I was 10rys ago. I have always earned more than DH but 10yrs ago the gap was bigger than ever. And I was hugely resentful. The resentment lasted a long time TBH. My DH was a trained teacher who had decided not to teach - so he was earning peanuts doing one dead-end job after another - and that riled me a bit I must admit . I'm over that now. You have to work with what you have. I didn't choose a man who had huge ambition or drive and neither did you by the sound of it.

Unless he is suddenly going to develop a huge earning potential out of nowhere, he isn't going to be able to earn enough to keep you anything like where you are now financially, even if he went out and looked for a new job. Can you work part-time and cut back on expenses?

paisleyleaf · 12/02/2010 15:04

"But you know who you married and what I do"
He's right.

But is there another way? Could you each work part time?

amber1979 · 12/02/2010 15:05

Are you sure you're just not resenting the situation for not allowing you to spend more time with your DC? That is understandable.

I don't think it sounds at all defeatest - very few people get to do a job they love. That in itself is a great achivement - most of just slog our guts out to pay the bills.

Anyway, would you rather he did something he hated and you end up watching him be miserable and possibly end up resenting you over it?

I think YAB a bit U.

cakewench · 12/02/2010 15:08

YABU in wanting him to stop doing something he loves.

Is he correct, in that you knew what he did when you got married? If so, it's a difficult thing to argue against it now.

That having been said, there's a baby now, and perhaps he could be more realistic. I think my answer has to hinge on what exactly he's doing? If you're making 3x the money, either you're an extremely well-paid professional and he's making a livable wage, or you're making an average wage and he's literally making a part-time salary. If the second is the case, then, I don't think you would be unreasonable to either 1) expect him to become more proactive, perhaps making a business plan to make his business more profitable, or 2) get a different, possibly related, job.

I'd like to hear what he does, tbh.

LittleAngelicRose · 12/02/2010 15:09

Tricky one really, this kind of thing should have been sorted out BEFORE you got pregnant. You knew the situation and could have taken steps to address it before it became such a major issue for you. I'm being hard maybe...

I think that if he pulls his weight, does the housework, cooking, shopping etc as well as the childcare, fair enough, that IS work, ask any of us who have been stay-at-home mums. If he doesn't, then that would be unfair and you have every right to feel agrieved.

mummygirl · 12/02/2010 15:17

Unreasonable and sexist. I was jealous of DH going to work while I was on mat leave though, so I have no idea how you feel.

But men are just as entitled to be SAHPs as women, and still they're not moaning when they're the sole bread earners and their wives stay at home with the baby.

This seems somehow directly related to the 1951 thread

Original poster

Giggle78 · 12/02/2010 15:21

The thing is I know I'm being unreasonable and selfish to a certain extent. He is amazing. . However I think one poster hit the nail on the head that its the pressure of being the one that keeps us going that I resent at the moment.

I earn a bit more than the average and he earns a lot less. It probably won't stay like this forever and I just have to do whats best for us a family at the moment. Its just soooooooooooo hard.

Thanks, for helping me look at this from different perspective.

OP posts:

Lighteningbugs · 12/02/2010 15:38

He is right. However, could you work part time for less and him work part time as well.

heliotrope · 12/02/2010 15:38

That is hard for you. Any chance of you doing 3 days or something so that you get some baby time too. 26 weeks is early to go back too. Can't really comment on your DP, depends what he does and his attitudes etc.

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/02/2010 16:16

YABU, you have a well paid job and it supports your family. You knew before getting married and bringing a child into the world what your situation was.

Your DH was lucky to have a job he loves, we spend a long time at work so to actually genuinely love your job is a tremendous perk. Even if not a great salary, at least he was working and not being lazy etc.

Why does he have to stay home, could you not use childcare so that he can continue working.

I think its very old fashioned to expect him to be the main and only earner, it doesn't matter if its mum, dad or both of you that work as long as you can support your family.

electra · 12/02/2010 16:20

Your approach is sexist. And you cannot blame your dh for not living up to your success - the fact some people are more successful than others does not mean those who don't make it are lazy! It's reasonable for you to feel like you would prefer to be with your baby but I don't think you can reasonably blame your dh for how you feel.

violethill · 12/02/2010 16:21

YABU and very very sexist!

I do understand that it must be a pressure to be the sole earner though, and it would be interesting to see the response if your post had been written by a man - 'I feel jealous and upset because my wife gets to stay home all day!' Because actually I'm sure many men feel this pressure of being expected to earn.

I like lighteningbug's suggestion. Why not both earn and you maybe cut back a bit on your hours?

These days (thank god) it's recognised that men and women are equally capable of getting qualified, getting good careers and earning, so it makes no sense to assume that either gender should either be the one to give it all up, or to be the sole earner.

Great role model for the kids too if they see that you both earn and both have caring responsibilities.

OrmRenewed · 12/02/2010 16:23

"I'm sure many men feel this pressure of being expected to earn." I agree with that violet. But it's never questioned.

Romanarama · 12/02/2010 16:24

YABU but I'm quite sympathetic. I'm so happy that dh is prepared to be sole breadwinner, but also prepared to arrange things differently so we can both work. I would cope but find it hard if he stopped working - I wouldn't welcome that pressure. But to expect the man to be the breadwinner just because he's a man is very sexist.

bubblagirl · 12/02/2010 16:34

i dont see why the man should be main bread winner women hate being classed as the ones who need to look after the house and its thrown in over and over its 20th century equal rights etc

so if he has never earnt big and you have you cant change him and if we want to be treated equal its accepting that sometimes the role is reversed and there is nothing wrong with that i hate being classed as i should be keeping house im the woman etc just as dp feels intense pressure to work every hour going to provide for us he is not fortunate to have found an amazing paid job but i love him for working and providing for us the best he can

his not lazy or defeatist his living his life the best he can just not how you want him to live it love him for him you married him like this dont try changing him now its not fair the men feel just as much pressure but to be made to feel a failure is awful

happymatleave · 12/02/2010 16:35

Is there no way that you can both work and spend some time looking after your DC?

I think YANBU to resent the situation but I don't think your DH is BU either.

Could you work part time and your DH go back to work either part or full time? If you did that and claimed tax credits then you might not be much worse off than with you at full time work.

overmydeadbody · 12/02/2010 16:37

YABVU

Either accept him and your financial situation, or don't stay with him.

There is no point in being with a partner who you don;t accept fully, and his job is part of him, he loves it.

I hope you can deal with your issues.

TrillianAstra · 12/02/2010 16:39

What does he do?

It doesn't really affect whether YABU, but we're all nosy.

googietheegg · 12/02/2010 16:47

Giggle I'm in the same position as you except we don't have a baby yet. I totally understand what you're saying, especially the part about feeling like he's not doing all he can to improve the situation.

The majority of the time I'm proud of myself and what I've built up (i'm self employed and so is he) and I'm proud of him being paid to be creative but when I have PMT it drives me mental and I think that just because he's doing something he loves doesn't mean you don't do anything you don't want...you can love the majority of your job (i do) but we all have to do stuff that isn't our ideal.

No advice at all from me then!!

porcamiseria · 12/02/2010 16:57

I am in the same position as you, and its VERY hard when you go back to start with. However now, I am happy. DC is with someone who loves him, and I dont need to stress about Nursey and Childminders etc.

he is who he is, so you cant keep on resenting him. I think its just the stress right now, and the imminent change

If I understand right, ow you are on Mat leave and are planning to go back? So its bloody hard anyway, and you will miss that little baby.I remember the last few weeks before I started back, they were AWFUL

But trust me it DOES get alot easier, and you will have no childminder/nursery stress (and that a major headache trust me)

And nothing is forever, remember that

so dont be too hard on him, and trust me ,it will get easier

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