For being so angry and jealous

[Giggle78]

I really try to be logical about this situation but every so often it rears its ugly head and I upset DH all over again.

Basically I earn triple what my DH does. So there is no choice for me but to go back to work after 26 weeks. DH will stay and look after the baby. BUT here is my problem. I blame him for not working harder and earning more. He always says "But you know who you married and what I do". I want to smack him in the face because its so defeatest. I also feel so sad that I have to go back to work and he gets to stay at home. Maybe I'm sexist but it just feels so wrong for him to be at home - he's a young man he should be out working. Am I being unreasonable for wanting him to at least look for another job and stop him doing what he loves?

you're being sexist. This is the feeling the vast majority of men face when they have to go back to work after a measly 2 weeks at home, and leave their wife with the baby because she earns less, and it makes financial sense for him to work. And the majority of those men face it with good grace.

Well I'm not sure what's right or wrong about who goes to work in the long run - that's up to each family to agree what works for them - but until a man can give birth and breastfeed then I don't think they should stay at home while their wife goes back to work after 2 weeks, that's nothing to do with who earns the most money.

that's why the law gives women 26 paid weeks (or is it 39 now?).

yes, but the law doesn't give women 26 weeks paid leave - it gives them 6 weeks at 90% and then up to 26 at SMP, which is approx £120/week, iirc.

Which is great if your dp is also bringing home some earnings but not so fab if you are the primary earner and that's all that suddenly coming in to support the entire family.

OP, YABU rationally and YANBU emotionally. Yes, I know, I'm going to get splinters up my bum from sitting on the fence here, but even though you are (obviously) being a bit sexist, I do sympathise massively with your situation. If it helps, 26 weeks isn't really that bad - its 6 months, give or take, and you might be able to add on a bit of annual leave as well...don't forget you accrue paid annual leave whilst on mat leave. I went back at that point after ds (and dh was working) and it was fine. Not brilliant, but fine. And at least you know your dp will get some brilliant bonding time with your dc. Good luck

I am quite sure that it was just as hard for dh to go back to work and leave his babies with me. And if he ever suggested that I should leave the job that means so much to me, I would leave him instead.

Could there be some way of compromising though? Any way in which you could draw in your horns and work part-time? When dd was little, dh actually went down to a 4 day week so I could do unpaid research. We just decided to live on less money for a while. But naturally whether you could do that will depend on your mortgage and other fixed expenses.

He is right I'm afraid. I feel for you, but take comfort from the fact that you have so much economic independence and a public role.

YABU and he is right. You know what his job is and you chose to marry him. Why should he change his entire career to suit you. He is not being defeatest. He is telling it like it is.

At the same time I can understand you would love stay at home with your baby. Mabe you should consider downshifting?

YANBU well, YABU but I totally sympathise so YANBU IMO! I earned more than my DH until having my second child, quite a lot more though not triple, and it riled me even though I knew I was being sexist. It makes me cross on quite a primal level- a small part of me just wants to be taken care of by a man (to my eternal shame! ). I just don't respect him as much as I would if he were earning the same or more, which I know is awful but sometimes awful feelings are there and you can't pretend that they are not just because it would be nicer not to feel them. Also, sexist or not, I am the one who my daughter needs right now- I carried and delivered her, I feed her- and I hate the fact that there is no choice but to leave her and go back to crappy old work

The child is as much his as yours. Well, actually I don't believe children 'belong' to anyone, but if we're going to use that terminology then it's only right to be honest.

My children's father is an equal parent. He loves them and cares about them as much as I do.

I don't understand some of the sexist nonsense on here.