long rambling one.... me or dh?

[pancakequeen]

So, have namechanged as otherwise this may be rather obvious....

Bit of background..... I have always, always wanted to be a stay at home mum, I was one of those little girls who wanted nothing more than to look after kids. I have never been ambitious in a career sense.... worked in social services for a few years before ds was born and loved it, I started a secondment to social work as we were having a lot of trouble conceiving and thought I should have a plan b if the kids thing didn't work out... i have always imagined going back to this after the kids have gone to school. me and dh had always discussed how it would be the best thing for me to stay at home once we had children.

Anyway, once ds was born dh (who runs his own business with a partner) told me that their accountant had suggested that I take a salary from the company in return for managing one of their contracts from home, the salary was much more than I would have earnt from the same job elsewhere... the arrangement was mainly for tax reasons for the business as dh takes a small salary.

At the time I told him that I was worried that I would end up being tied to working for the business something I have no interest in, this is his thing I have made a lot of sacrifices because of his career moving away from work, friends and family 3 different times. I was worried that I would get pushed into more and more, he said not to worry but kept letting me know how lucky I was to get this job.

Once DS was 1 I was massively stressed trying to work from home with no childcare, in the end dh told me that I would have to start coming into the office 3 mornings per week and put ds with a childminder, he loves the cm and I grew to feel ok about it although it was not ideally what I wanted, then I fell pregnant again

DD was born five weeks ago this is why I am asking as I am not sure if I am in sleepdeprived hormonal funk about this.... the contract that I was working on previously has now ended, what I could do in 3 mornings a week is no longer viable, dh has told me that they have created a "new, exciting" job for me at the business to justify my salary..... this would involve working every day 9-3.... I literally felt as though he had stabbed me in the heart. DS is 2 and dd only 5 weeks old.... I dreamt of being at home with them for as long as possible.

He completely flipped at me for my reaction, telling me they can't pay me for doing nothing and that if I don't do it I will be losing the family half an income. He truly cannot understand why I am unhappy. He keeps telling me that there are plenty of people that would love this job, I'm sure there are

My life as a sahm is hard but i love it too, I get bored and depressed sometimes but i also know that I only have a little while before children grow up and go to school and I need to treasure these years.

I feel so torn dh has said I can refuse and lose the money but that we won't be able to move and basically letting me know that would be my fault.... I feel unable to talk to him about it because he snaps my head off straight away saying how I should be grateful for the opportunity.

My problem is not only that I will have to put my children in childcare but that I have no interest in working in this field or business long term, sometimes I feel I have completely lost my own identity to dh and his work, what happens 5 years down the line when I want to work in something that interests me but won't earn us as much as working for the business? I am worried that I won't be able to live my own life because of this.

Phew!....So AIBU or is DH?

he is
tell him you're syll on your last job's maternity leave & you'll start the new one when that runs out and you dd is a year

He is, without a doubt. Am gobsmacked.

Dh for sure - your baby has only just been born

My friend is paid a salary from her husbands company for doing 'secretarial' work - she doesnt really do it..... most people in this ituation don't or maybe help out on an evening or somthing - you are basically being asked to go back to work almost full time. This was originally set up as a tax dodge but it seems incredibly mean for you H to ask you to do this. I think it sounds erally controlling as you have been clear you are not particularly interested in working there.

You are not being unreasonable - stay at home and look after yor baby.

He is. Do what stealth said. Poor you! Maybe he'll come round?

And this is a heap os shite anyway - he pays you separetely so he can dodge tax - he could just pay himself extra if he is that bothered but he doesn't want to get hammered with higher rate tax

Your DH is BU. You need to make it quite clear that your long term plan is to return to a career that interests you. In the meantime, your baby is still tiny, you need to be having this conversation in about 6 months time, when you can decide how many hours you feel you want to do, if any. It may be the case that financially you do need to be earning some income, but having just had a baby, this is not the right time to be pressured into going back to work.

Oh dear!

Obviously your 5 week-old is too little to be left with anyone but you if you are BF for any length of time yet. And if you're not, 5 weeks is no length of time for maternity leave.

Did you talk about taking the job with your DH or did he just tell you that you were doing it? Did you agree to do it at the time?

Did you and your DH talk about how you both imagined that you would bring your DC up - did he know how much you wanted to be a SAHM?

I think he is being really unfair to you

Thanks for your responses.... I'm glad that I'm not going mad and this is out of line...I agree that now is not the time to talk about this, that's what I have been trying to explain to him but he pushes me for an answer.

I agree that I also need to just bite the bullet and be clear about what I want from our future. I think this is in part coming from his business partner who keeps making hilarious cracks about how much i am costing the business with having babies....

Sorry x posted, yes we had talked about me being a sahm and he said he agreed that it would be best.

I don't think he expects me to start right away but wants an answer about it right away....he has not said when it would start
I am BF, his answer was childminder is round the corner so I could go and feed her if I needed to

So this arrangement started because he wanted to avoid paying tax himself and wanted the income to come into the house?

And to justify that they arranged for you to do some work.

He is being a twunt by now saying you have to earn the money.

He can pay himself the money if he wants it to come into the house.

The tax that he pays on it will be less than paying for child care.

Or they get somebody else to do the job, somebody cheaper than you, the profit for the company is higher so he can take more of a dividend payment.

He is being completely unreasonable dumping this on you in this way, and doubly so when you have a 5 week old.

He would be in the shed if he was my DH.

I don't understand. Will the new job be the same pay as the old job? If so, why? Surely 3 mornings a week (old job) is not comparable to 5 x 6 hour days.

It's not unusual to pay family members a salary to reduce tax, and it's not necessarily a "dodge" if there's a real job to be done.

I think it's grossly unfair of your husband to arrange all this without your knowledge. You have just had a baby! No employer could do that to you in the workplace.

If you really don't want to work at all, tell him. If you are willing and able to do something very part-time, childcare etc permitting, to help the finances of the family then try and work something out. Perhaps there's a niche that you could make your own and even enjoy developing. Sorry, no idea if this is possible at all, but just trying to be constructive.

olderandwider thanks, I have been trying to think along the same lines.... if perhaps my negativity towards the business is clouding my judgement. I have no problem with working a little bit to bring in some money for the family as i had to after DS had turned one

Also the fact that dd is 5 weeks makes it unthinkable as an option at this moment for me I think that my mum urge is very strong at the moment!

PCQ, very understandable! Congrats on the baby btw

oh Lordy - can you just say:

I don't want a 9-3 5 day a week job until our youngest is school age (or whatever age). I will only ever consider working properly part time until then, unless we have a fincancial emergency.

This business is your career not mine. I have helped out I know but when I go back to work at the end of this maternity leave, it will be to something that I choose.

I am absolutely unable to discuss this now as our baby is only 5 weeks old, I'm physically wrecked and I'm on maternity leave and this is just not the right time for me to be thinking about work. No-one would be at this stage.

Let's discuss this in June.

I think your DH is expecting a bit much if he wants you to make this decision straight away. In addition presumably you are on maternity leave and the business is paying you while you are on maternity leave - a generous maternity package would do the job in terms of diverting the income to you just as well as you going back to work.

Personally, from what you are saying I think that the job he is asking you to do sounds much more than you want. I would request a job that paid you around £6k per year - the amount you could earn without paying tax. This should not require an arduous number of hours.

I also don't agree with the 'losing the family half an income' argument.

Numbers wise, lets assume your DH earns enough to be a 50% tax payer next year (over £150k). You doing a job that earns £6k a year yould save (roughly, because I will ignore national insurance) £3k per year. You doing a job that would earn around £40k per year would save around £13k in tax.

If he is a 40% tax payer (earning £40 - £150k per year), then you doing a job that earns £6k would save £2,400 in tax, and a job that earns £40k would save £9.5k in tax (roughly). I have assumed that if you didn't do the job, the company would still earn the money and would instead pay the salary to your DH.

Childcare costs for 2 children will reduce the savings still further.

This post sounds as if I think it is all about numbers - I don't think that at all and I think you should do what you want and you shouldn't be put under pressure. But I thought putting some numbers on it might help you and your DH put it into perspective.

Sounds a difficult situation - what does your dh do to help with your kids & home?

He keeps shifting the goalposts, doesn't he? Working from home, then a few mornings a week, now 9-3 five days a week.

I think that if you don't put your foot down now, you're going to keep being pushed into doing more and more. Next it'll be 9-5 because "it's just a couple of extra hours" and then maybe a Saturday morning because "you'll have the rest of the day to relax".

YANBU.

I would be asking for a contract of work. Tell him you're getting a union to fight your case!!!

Your dh IBU-VVVU. I get the feeling that he is pushing for an answer now, as he knows you are tired and preoccupied, and not able to think clearly.
You say yourself, you have made alot of sacrifices for your dh, now, its YOUR time to do what you want-marriage is a partnership-your needs dont come second.
Refuse to get drawn-in to arguements/reasons your dh may give you, and just keep stating clearly what you want and need.(If other people would jump at the job, then he can offer it to them).
He may well be bad-tempered and sulk, but he will have to accept the situation-just as you have for the last few yrs.

dd may wake up any minute!

thanks for all your detailed replies giving me food for thought!

Dh was pants at helping out till dd was born, now that I can't physically do everything he has started to help more, takes ds swimming once a week gets him dressed and reads him a story before bed when he is at home in time.

He says he helps out by cooking but i see it as spending 2 hrs ignoring everyone making loads of mess for me to clear up

n many ways our relationship is good and we are very open with each other but his business is a real stumbling block for us as a couple

He is being selfish. You are not depriving the household of an income, you are depriving your 'D'H of a nice little tax dodge!
And you are entitled to paid maternity leave!

You really do need to put your foot down with him, he IBVVVVVVVVVVVVU

And he is even more of a twunt for suggesting that YABU!!!!

He is BVU. He sounds like he's though it all through from his point of view and hasn't given you or your feelings any thought at all.

I would be very upset at this.

Make sure he doesn't let you think it's just because you're hormonal with a five week old baby.

His timing is unforgivable too. You should be enjoying the baby, not worrying about all this. If he was just your employer and not your DH, he would be in a real mess from a legal point of view. Maybe you should tell him that!

It seems to me that it has gone all his way.
How long did you manage to be a SAHM?

9-3-great for someone with schoolchild(ren).

Agree with tarty. He is currently putting paying a lower rate of tax above your children having their mum at home with them full time in their formative years.

Sounds like a long heart to heart is needed because at present you and he are looking at life from completely different perspectives and I think you need to both have that time to draw the lines in the sand of where you want life to be going. You need to be able to explain that tax rates and moving house now come far lower down your list of priorities.