long rambling one.... me or dh?

[pancakequeen]

So, have namechanged as otherwise this may be rather obvious....

Bit of background..... I have always, always wanted to be a stay at home mum, I was one of those little girls who wanted nothing more than to look after kids. I have never been ambitious in a career sense.... worked in social services for a few years before ds was born and loved it, I started a secondment to social work as we were having a lot of trouble conceiving and thought I should have a plan b if the kids thing didn't work out... i have always imagined going back to this after the kids have gone to school. me and dh had always discussed how it would be the best thing for me to stay at home once we had children.

Anyway, once ds was born dh (who runs his own business with a partner) told me that their accountant had suggested that I take a salary from the company in return for managing one of their contracts from home, the salary was much more than I would have earnt from the same job elsewhere... the arrangement was mainly for tax reasons for the business as dh takes a small salary.

At the time I told him that I was worried that I would end up being tied to working for the business something I have no interest in, this is his thing I have made a lot of sacrifices because of his career moving away from work, friends and family 3 different times. I was worried that I would get pushed into more and more, he said not to worry but kept letting me know how lucky I was to get this job.

Once DS was 1 I was massively stressed trying to work from home with no childcare, in the end dh told me that I would have to start coming into the office 3 mornings per week and put ds with a childminder, he loves the cm and I grew to feel ok about it although it was not ideally what I wanted, then I fell pregnant again

DD was born five weeks ago this is why I am asking as I am not sure if I am in sleepdeprived hormonal funk about this.... the contract that I was working on previously has now ended, what I could do in 3 mornings a week is no longer viable, dh has told me that they have created a "new, exciting" job for me at the business to justify my salary..... this would involve working every day 9-3.... I literally felt as though he had stabbed me in the heart. DS is 2 and dd only 5 weeks old.... I dreamt of being at home with them for as long as possible.

He completely flipped at me for my reaction, telling me they can't pay me for doing nothing and that if I don't do it I will be losing the family half an income. He truly cannot understand why I am unhappy. He keeps telling me that there are plenty of people that would love this job, I'm sure there are

My life as a sahm is hard but i love it too, I get bored and depressed sometimes but i also know that I only have a little while before children grow up and go to school and I need to treasure these years.

I feel so torn dh has said I can refuse and lose the money but that we won't be able to move and basically letting me know that would be my fault.... I feel unable to talk to him about it because he snaps my head off straight away saying how I should be grateful for the opportunity.

My problem is not only that I will have to put my children in childcare but that I have no interest in working in this field or business long term, sometimes I feel I have completely lost my own identity to dh and his work, what happens 5 years down the line when I want to work in something that interests me but won't earn us as much as working for the business? I am worried that I won't be able to live my own life because of this.

Phew!....So AIBU or is DH?

Absolutely outrageous! Stand your ground and tell him exactly what you want to do.

I'm utterly by this. Apart from anything else, you may want to point out to your dh that what he is doing (as an employer) is utterly illegal. He is not allowed to adjust your 3-morning/week job into 9-3 daily whilst you are on maternity leave and bully you into accepting it.

I appreciate his pov, that this is 'family income' but he is being very blinkered and vvu. I love the idea that you could just 'pop round to the cm' to bf your baby...

Is he married to the business or married to you?

Where exactly does he see his family and family life in all of this?

You need to sort this out with marriage counselling, especially in light of all the history you have described, the move away from family, etc. And especially in light of your description of your H's version of helpiing out around the house and with the children. He is walking all over you and telling you you are unreasonable to not let him do more of the same?

This is outrageous, goes way beyond U, imo. You are not hormonal, and don't ever say that you are.

What a difficult one. Yes he is being completely U but I know from experience with my DH that a family business can cause problems. I am paid a salary (a small one) from our company but don't actually do anything apart from answer the odd phone call and provide a listening ear and (hopefully) sensible advice. However whenever an argument brews up you can guarantee I will be accused of having no interest in the business, of not appreciating where the money comes from, blah, blah, blah. Your DH seems to be wanting his cake and eating it. Dodging tax but getting you to graft as well. Agree that you should go down the employment law route, demand maternity pay, a full year off and a right to flexible working on your return, if he is going to treat you in this way. You could then go off sick, claiming a stressful home life

Is the business doing ok? It seems an extreme position for him to take for the sake of some extra money to the family. He sounds like he is consumed by the business and needs to get some perspective on your quality of life under the circumstances he is asking of you.
If you cannot move without this money then so be it - you already have a house and when you have kids choices need to be made. Not sure he understands this.

well am back sorry to go awol but usually flying by the seat of my pants till half 7! Thankyou so much for all your messages I am really glad that you are all as shocked as I was, sometimes being at home feels like a bubble and I'm so glad to get another perspective.

I think we are going to have to have a serious talk, I am usually an avoid conflict at any cost kind of person but when it comes to what I want for my family I have to just bite the bullet.

Just to make matters worse he just phoned me to say that we are going into town tomorrow cos the company is getting him a new laptop

Thanks to the person who mentioned what faamily businesses can be like, sometimes it's hard to have work and family all tied up together.....

again thanks so much for replying x

My DH had a family business that I did a little bit of work for. I even ended up doing an exam in a subject I had no knowledge or interest in! I really wanted nothing to do with it an just kept making up excuses as to why I couldn't do the things he asked. It didn't stop it trying to suck my Identity out of me, it took over control of the mobiles, the computers, the phone lines, the internet etc. I could not call to resolve any probs I had as they all went into my dh and fil's names/company name. DH kept talking about me marking out a carrer in their business when kids went to school, the whole thing was sufficating. The business was shut down about a year ago and still it has control of somethings such as mobiles due to contracts, I can't get a new phone even though mine is broken and held together with tape and fil keeps complaining that I go over my mins but I can't change the contract. I know getting up set over a ohone is silly but it is the fact that I am still being controlled my a bussiness I wanted nothing to do with.

I was lucky, my excuses where enough to keep dh at bay and now he is back to a proper job. You have not been luck and have already been sucked in pretty deep. It sounds like being gentle with him just fall on deaf ears, so you need to give it him straight. THE BUSINESS IS HIS BABY, THE CHILDREN ARE YOURS. Let him know that you have not intention of comitting to his business, you want to be at home with the children and when you are ready to go to work, you will find your own job.

As others have said the loseing money stuff is nonsense, if he wants to pay you for tax reasons he can still do so for a small amount of admin you can do in your own time (i.e. trips to the post office, picking up stationary, writing the company christmas card etc. silly stuff), alternatively he up his salary or dividend. If he choses not to do those things that is his fault not yours. Paying for child care and taking you away from your kids rather than paying a bit more in tax does not seem like a logical way to do things, it can't be particularly cost effective and it is stressing you.

I hope you get this sorted soon so you can enjoy your little ones, the baby time is so precious.

Forgot to say family business's are a nightmare it blurs the boundaries between home life and work life and lets other members involved end up knowing alot more about your life and finances that you would want. Even worse expecting a say in them! Long term it would work much better if it remained between your dh and his friend, so work life stayed at work and home life stayed at home. In that respect work computer shoping should be done in work time!

There is no reason why your dh and his friend should not make a fantastic success out of their business. If there is enough work for them to need an extra person involved then they should advertise, interview and take someone on, as it is more professional and they would be able to chose someone that is comitted and able to work to take the business forward. As someone said a 9-3 position would attract plenty of interest from people returning to work and could be the perfect project for someone that may be willing to take less money to get their expercience, confidence back up while getting really stuck in.

My dh and fil did look at taking people on but as they worked from home in two different parts of the country it never happened as it would have to of been someone they had experience of and trusted to work on their own from their own house and the right person/right time situation never happened. If it had been possible I think it would of really helped them grow, maybe it would for your dh's business. You could even offer to help out with the recruiting to make sure it happens .

He is being completely unreasonable. You have had lots of great suggestions. My only other suggestion is to print this off and give it to him, maybe reading how you feel (and the responses) will make him understand how you feel better than you just telling him (especially if you are upset & emotional)... Good Luck x

When you have your sit down talk, don't apologise or blame tiredness or hormones, or plead special circumstances. He has got this completely wrong, and needs a serious attitude adjustment. Good luck.

how did it go?