Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel on the verge of a breakdown

28 replies

Pushmeinthepool · 12/02/2010 11:45

I really am at my wits end

I posted on here a while back about my DH pulling his weight in the house. I have tried so many times to get him to help; I've reasoned, talked, cried, begged, pleaded, argued, shouted, everything but he still doesn't help.

The house looks like a bomb has hit it every single day! We have 3 children, aged 11, 5 and 6 months. He will come home from work and do DIY until the cows come home but ignores the core basics of making tea for the children, cleaning kitchen afterwards, bathing baby, feeding baby, making baby's bottles etc. Clothes, coats and shoes are left randomly around the house wherever he happens to be when he takes them off. Glasses of water remain by his side of the bed for weeks, until there are lots of them.

We got our dog a few years ago, well his dog really, as he wanted her to take shooting with him. I didn't want a dog as we had one when we were growing up and I knew it would be hard work having one with children. He said that he would take 100% responsibility for her, but does he? Does he heck! He never washes the dog's bedding, never hoovers up the millions of hairs she leaves lying around, the wall around her bed gets black with filth from her and it is always muggins who has to clean it up.

He says that he's not prepared to work all day and get in and start doing housework, but I work too, although I work from home, so he wrongly assumes I can do everything at the same time as working.

He will step over huge piles of clean washing on the stairs rather than carry it upstairs, and will stand in the laundry basket to push the washing down to avoid washing anything.

I am fed up with getting in from the school run each morning and thinking "where the heck do I start?", having to clean up after everyone. I never get any time to myself. I have tried saying to him that there should be a basic level of cleanliness/tidiness in the house that we should both be striving to achieve, ie by tidying up after ourselves, putting clothes in the wash, cups in dishwasher etc but he takes no notice.

I really am at the end of my tether; I have just tidied our room and there were about 50 items of his lying around, clean and dirty; I have just bundled them up and dumped them by his side of the bed. Also every night when he's asleep he pulls the mattress cover off, and never puts it back so I have to do that every single bloody day when I make the bed. I feel like I go round in circles; constantly cleaning and tidying, but never ever getting anywhere. The 2 older children are messy too and would happily sleep in dirty bedrooms, wear dirty clothes etc.

:-(

OP posts:
AitchTwoOhOneOh · 12/02/2010 11:48

oh you poor thing... i'm sure you've thought of this but would you be able to afford a cleaner? i know it doesn't address the real problem, which is your dh and the example he sets to the kids, but some help for you might stop you going right round the bend?

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 12/02/2010 11:49

Aitch, I would love a cleaner but unfortunately finances won't allow it at the moment, as we're skint. It might be an option in the future though.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOhOneOh · 12/02/2010 11:52

well, how much would you have to save to make it happen? we pay £20 a week, and it's just a godsend, when things get out of hand we just do a big tidy and i actually 'clean' when she goes home, iykwim? can you throw some cash at a big tidy, get it sorted and then try to maintain it yourself? that's the way my pal does it, to save a weekly expense. just some sodding company while you're tidying makes you feel human again.

and then we must neuter your dh.

amber1979 · 12/02/2010 11:53

It's awful when it all builds up.

How about setting aside one day when everyone, you, DH and the older DC get stuck in and sort the lot. At least getting rid of any backlog may make it seem less daunting. Have a clear out too - clutter just makes housework more difficult.

Otherwise, ask the lump if you're his wife or mother, as in 2010 there is no reason for his wife to be picking up after him.

VinegarTits · 12/02/2010 11:59

who does he think he is? does he think he lives in a hotel? if he wants that kind of service then i would be telling him move into a hotel?

Seriously if you have tried everything until you are at the point of having a breakdown, he needs to move out, for your sanity

what makes him think he has a god given right to be excluded from cleaning up his own shit? cheeky bastard.

twotimes · 12/02/2010 12:00

Pushmeinthepool (love the nickname btw) I really do feel for you, I get frustrated but I don't have nearly the hassle you seem to be dealing with. I could try and give advice but tbh what works for some may cause a complete marriage breakdown for others. You have to find something to make him understand, although from what you say you've tried everything and he sounds like a complete arsehole.

OrmRenewed · 12/02/2010 12:07

That sounds familiar OP . But since DH has been working more sensible hours he has done a lot more - cooking, lunchboxes, ironing, emptying dishwasher etc. But....he deoesn't clean or tidy. It seems to be an entirely inexplicable concept He doesn't see the mess. Neither do my DC. I used to get driven to distraction by it like you. But I have had to learn to let it go - after all no-one is going to die from living in a messy house and who's to say liking tidiness is better than not caring? So I have tunnel vision - I keep certain bits tidy to my standards and ignore the rest. It was that or lose my sanity!!

minxofmancunia · 12/02/2010 12:09

It sounds awful and you really do have my sympathy and empthy. My dh can be like this, pulls jumpers t-shirts off as he says he's too hot and leaves them there, dumps stuff on the stairs and never transports it upstairs, f**king socks everywhere, cups/lager cans/glasses strewn round the house etc.etc.

When he does decide to do laundry he does a washing marathon and piles one load in after another cue, clothes sheets and towels all over the place. He never never "completes" the task of washing and actually puts it away. makes me .

We've nearly split up over housework issues and it's so important for your dcs he does set an example as the reason my dh is so bloody messy and lazy round the house is because his mother is.

the thing is I'm not naturally tidy or organised but have had to force myself for the sake of a habitable home rather than a hovel.

Second aitchs idea of a cleaner, i've cut back financially in other areas to afford one, it's saved my sanity, I love her!

Know what you mean about the diy stuff too, it's a form of avoidance imo, dh spent hours last week rigging up a pc so the tv became like a huge monitor wtf!!! Like I give a shit about that, unnecessary and totally non essential.

Unfortunately the only thing that works in our house is a huge screaming row, then a few days of effort then back to square 1 again. I hope someone comes along with some more helpful suggestions for you.

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 12/02/2010 12:16

how much money does dh spend on his diy shite, and how much do you spend on the kids? take the cleaner out of those budgets, if you can?

catinthehat2 · 12/02/2010 12:22

This link from SGB is always worth a read in these situations

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 12/02/2010 12:26

what a GREAT link. and tbh i think my dh is pretty good at the domestic thing, but he still does half of the things on here.

agedknees · 12/02/2010 12:32

Could your mum come and help you do a big tidy up if you cannot afford a cleaner?

tbh my dh is a bit like yours. He does the cooking and diy but does not see dirt. He thinks I am OCD when it comes to housework, but I like a clean house!!!

Slartybartfast · 12/02/2010 12:39

so what is the diy shite btw?
is it unecessary?
is he just playing at it?

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 12/02/2010 12:47

Thanks all; I will have to look into re-jigging the finances to see if we can stretch to a cleaner.

The house is pretty clean and tidy, but it's always me that does it. We don't really have any clutter thank goodness.

The DIY is stuff that needs doing, but not urgent IYKWIM. I would far rather he helped with the general routine for the kids and then did some DIY in the evenings once they're sorted.

I really feel like just buggering off for the weekend to stay in a hotel or something. Thing is, I know the crap I'd come home to on Sunday....

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 12/02/2010 12:48

who gets home first? is it him?

cleaner is a great idea, and a break for you too

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 12/02/2010 12:51

I'm home first Slarty, as I work from home. However, tea time/late afternoon is a difficult time of day really, as I have to do homework with the older children, give the baby his tea, cook the tea, clean up the kitchen after tea, bath baby, bath the 5 year old, etc etc. He does occasionally help but equally if he feels he just wants to sit at the PC then he will, and he'll let me rush around spooning food into the baby's mouth then rushing to stir the dinner cooking on the hob.

OP posts:
sb6699 · 12/02/2010 12:52

God, I can so relate to your OP. My DH has got better in the past year or 2 but only because I went on strike.

I refused to do washing unless it was in the basket, dishes unless they were in the sink, etc, etc. He eventually got up one morning, couldnt find a cup to make some tea before work and had literally no clean clothes!! Lesson learned.

Other than his slovenly ways around the house - my dh is fab. Is great with the kids, has arranged a babysitter and booked a table for Valentines, works very hard so when I'm at the end of my tether with the house I try to remember the other stuff and usually calms me down - for 10 minutes anyway .

If he's generally inconsiderate you need to make a stand - you're not his servant. Your work circumstances are irrelevant.

Slartybartfast · 12/02/2010 12:53

aargh.
cross for you.
sounds unequal. but my dh is pretty much the same now, dc's older. no helpful advice.
stick a broom up his bottom while he diy's?

GibbonInARibbon · 12/02/2010 13:06

I wold stop washing his clothes for work. I really, really would.

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 12/02/2010 13:06

I have stopped doing his washing for the past couple of weeks, so am going to continue not doing it. I think I will also stop cooking for him too; the girls can have school dinners each day then I can get a sandwich ready for them before they get home from school.

OP posts:
GibbonInARibbon · 12/02/2010 13:09

Some may say it's petty but if I had a DH like this, it's honestly what I would do. He is taking it for granted that you will do it. Let him see what happens when you don't.

claw3 · 12/02/2010 13:14

In this house if the kids dont tidy up after themselves they dont play video games, watch TV etc, etc.

Id do the same to DP too, act like a child, be treated like one. I would stop doing for him.

pooexplosionsareimproving · 12/02/2010 13:21

I can't get over how when a woman posts about her DH treating her like a slave , the answer is to get a cleaner!
By all means get a cleaner....after your H moves out. Its not just the fact that he doesn't do anything in his own home or for his own children, its a total lack of respect for his wife. As he sits there on the PC while you flap around feeding babies, cleaning, cooking, all after working as well, do you think he's thinking "I'm so lucky, isn't she great"? Or do you think he's actually thinking "I have the life of riley, lucky shes such a mug that I can walk all over"

If you lie down and write doormat on your head, its no surprise when someone walks over you.

GetDownYouWillFall · 12/02/2010 13:36

I agree with others - the heart of the problem is not the mess, it's his attitude. Getting a cleaner would probably just confirm him in his thinking that it's not his job.

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 12/02/2010 13:52

i don't think that the advice has been only to get a cleaner, has it? i definitely mentioned neutering.
if the op is really on the edge, then a cleaner will help to give her the space, quite literally, to make the decisions she needs to make. i'm not advocating living like a doormat but the OP has posted before and he is a tough customer in his behaviour.