AIBU to not change DC's name to DP's?

[enuffalready]

DP and I have decided to get married, and I'm really very excited. We haven't told that many people - want to book it to avoid hassles - but two of the three people I've told have asked if I'm going to change our DS's name to DP's name.

Bit if background: DP and I were friends for 20 years and got together briefly at the end of 2008, a few months after he'd split up with his long-term girlfriend. The timing was off and we split up after a few weeks. Then I discovered I was pregnant with DS. DP completely freaked and I decided to go it alone, always telling DP he could be as involved as he wanted but I wasn't at any point going to take responsibility for him.

After a couple of months, DP had a complete turn around and became very involved. However, when DS was born, he had my surname as I had always planned. DP was fine with this - TBH (and at the risk of being flamed) it was too bad if he wasn't. Wanted DS to always have the stability of my name in case DP freaked out again.

My parents - particularly my dad - had issues with this but I told them DS was keeping my surname.

So, fast forward a year or so, DP and I are back together, we've bought a house and we've decided to get hitched. We're even talking about having another DC. And, yes, DC2 will have my surname as we don't want our DCs to have different surnames.

Am just surprised by people asking me why I'm not changing DS's name to DP's. I'm not changing my name to his, and DP's not changing his to mine, so why would we change DS's name? DP and I are equals in this, and my name is just as important as his. I do absolutely love him and am looking forward to being married to him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn't have to justify not changing my name or DS's name?

PS I know my parents are going to have a few things to say about it, as they made a few barbed comments to my sister when she didn't change her name to her hubby's.

First of all, I want to say, it's entirely up to you what you do - if anyone else doesn't like it TOUGH.

However, what I would do in your situation would be to double barrel ALL your surnames

So you and DS are Smith
DP is Jones

All become Smith-Jones (DP included).

As I feel it's nice to have that common bond, but for obvious reasons keeping your maiden name for yourself and your DS is important to you (and I totally understand that).

Our DD has my surname, and had we had a boy, he would have had DH's surname, and so on.

Ignore the barbed comments. I got none, but then I am a fearsome hag. I DID get a couple of wistful, "I wish I 'd done that", though.

Oh, and our bond is that we are a family and love each other.

Other cultures manage perfectly well where men and women have different surnames, even when married, so the grumblers will just have to try a little harder.

Yanbu

at all

what the hell is wrong with your parents?

I am personally amazed at how many people automatically use the man's surname for the children when a couple aren't married. Or even at how many women still change their names when they get married.

So YAdefinitelyNBU!

Initially I thought YABU but I for some reason presumed you were changing your name. If you are not changing your name then there is absolutely no reason to change your ds's name. Stick to your guns.

It's personal taste I think. DP and I aren't married but have always planned to so. We gave DS his surname, intending that I will eventually have the same surname when we get married.

to DO so. Oops.

(and by the way, I really rather dislike the surname I was born with and that is probably the main reason I will change it, if I liked it I imagine I'd keep my own name )

I don't get it, it's nobody else's business. YANBU unless dp wanted you to change it. In which case I would agree with chippingin double-barrel the lo's names.

I changed my name when I married because my ds came first and had his fathers name, but its probably my biggest regret, I still can't even bloody pronounce it properly (according to mil lol)

Hello

How you choose to name your children is your business, and that goes for surnames as well. People can be so odd if you decide to be a tiny bit different.
I have been married for 10 years and have NEVER used my so called "married" name. My father died recently and I am an executor for his will and estate. My parents couldn't understand why I didn't use my husband's name 9in fact my mother still thinks I am breaking the law!!!). So in his will, my father has used my married name and it proving so difficult as I have no identification documents that are accepted by the solicitor - all very tricky!

Jo

I suppose YANBU if dp is happy with it. You've every right to call your kids what you like. But YABU if dp wants you to change your name and the dcs. TBH I don't really understand why you wouldn't want to change all your names,just makes things easier for everyone in the family to have the same surname. But you're right, it is your decision

Sorry, DS has given up daytime naps so have no time. Just realised I meant DP and I got together at end of 2007, DP born end of 2008!

Thanks for all your replies!

ChippingIn Even though our two names together would be ridicously long, I would consider that if DP would. But he won't change his name - even to double barrelled - which is fair enough, really. I did suggest using DP's surname as one of all our DC's middle names.

Thanks, echt That's how I feel. We are already bonded.

skidoodle My parents are just very traditional and old fashioned - I joke about it to them while making clear that I'll do things my way. My sister actually asked if DP had asked for my dad's permission to marry me! Couldn't stop laughing!

maswera I'm amazed by it, too. I just don't understand why we give up our names when marriage is a partnership. Obviously if I disliked my name - like MyHouseIsASquashAndA - I'd probaby feel differently!

twotimes In an ideal world I think DP would like me and DS to change our names but he can't really justify why we should but he won't. He hasn't said this, but that's the impression I get.

Jofin Wow, that must be so hard. Some of DP's family address stuff to DS without his surname because I think they object to him not having DP's surname.

imgonnaliveforever Would I really BU if DP wanted me to change our names? What about if I wanted him to change his name? I think you have a point about it being easier, but if we were going for what's easiest DP should be the one to change his name because there are two of us with the same name. But he won't, which is fair enough as long as he doesn't want me to change mine.

Thanks for your replies, really appreciate them.

YADNBU Ennufalready! (great name btw) There's a whole list of reasons why you should say as you are, and no reason (other than the much talked-about "tradition") why you should change. As you say, you and DS are settled into your names, and if DP doesn't want to change, why should you want to?

Funny how it's always the men who are so keen for their wives to change, who are the least eager for a "family name" if it means giving up their own name.

Actually, not funny, just good old fashioned sexism. Ignore them and be happy as you are!

*stay as you are

To avoid future travel horrors, you might like to add DP's surname as a third middle name for both your DCs, in case he is ever travelling with them minus you. No need for double-barreling or inventing a new surname though -- the rest of the family clearly don't know what century it is.

YANBU, it doesn't really matter at all as long as you don't mess the kids around.

Am interested in the comment Maswera about people who give the child the father's name even when they're not married. This is me.... never occurred to me that this is in some way anti-feminist. The way I see it the child has to have one name or the other - didn't want to saddle him with our combined names which would have sounded very bizarre. It's more traditional to take names on the paternal side...

Just interested in your take on this / anyone elses - am I missing something (although it's too late now!)

x

YANBU at all. But I think it is (sadly) unrealistic to expect people not to be a bit "off" about it -- we live in a rather unimaginative, sexist and conformist society. You may just have to develop a rhino's hide about this issue.

Hi heliotrope

I do think it's un-feminist to automatically give the father's surname as doing so is essentially putting more importance on the than the woman.

Of course, you have to give him/her someone's name so I'm not saying it should have to be the mother's, just that I don't see why it should automatically be the father's.

Unfortunately I don't know what is a 'fair' way to decide is... If we ever get there I think we might toss a coin! (Not sure if DP is aware of this yet though! )

Hiya heliotrope - although it's up to everyone to make their own decision about this, I think it is kind of anti-feminist to automatically give your children your DP's name. After all, they are genetically half yours, you give birth to them, if you ever break up they are more likely to live with you. In the light of this, it seems odd to automatically assume that the dad's name is the one chosen. If you think about it, talk it over and then decide to give the dad's name, or even to name it Baby No1 or whatever, that's fine .

(Not saying that doing this makes you a bad feminist, everyone has their own reasons for such a personal decision, and trying to identify good and bad feminists just seems silly. Any feminism makes me happy )

DD took my surname. My name is double-barrelled and it would have been ridiculous to have it triple-barrelled to contain her father's surname!

As a feminist, and not married to DP, I baulked at the idea that a child should automatically take the paternal name. PLus, on the practical side, in most cases, if a family breaks up, the child stays with the mother - for whom having a different name could be problematic.

The fairest way to do it is what they did in the 70s feminist communes - choose an entirely new name for the kids: Greenwood or whatever...

Part of the reaon my DC got his first name is that with his father's surname it would have been the same as a slightly dodgy/unpopular air co! Preemptive strike, anyone?

Not Ryan Eyre, brightspark2?

Evie Jett?
Al Italia?
Virgil Atlantic?

(sorry... )

To the people who say: "Ooh, you have to change your name to your husband's or it will be so complicated." ....what a lot of nonsense. They're obviously not talking from experience anyway, they just think that you have to change it because THAT'S THE RULES! (Except, like, in loads of other countries.)

I have kept my own name, and it is no hassle at all. Just occasionally I get addressed as "Mrs [husband's surname],", and if it doesn't matter, I don't bother correcting them, and if it does matter (say if they're about to write it down in a document), then I simply correct them. It's not as though changing your name to that of your husband is hassle-free either, and will certainly involve plenty of correcting people too.

Plenty of women keep their own name these days. If any of your dinosaur relatives or in-laws give you any grief, tell 'em to feck off. Or perhaps more realistically, just laugh patronisingly refuse to debate it with them.

Hi heliotrope,

I also am not married to my dp and our DD has his surname. We have been together over 12yrs and have no plans at all to get married so my surname will stay the same. I think its nice that our DD has my DP surname and provides her with more of a connection to him. I'm not in agreement with the anti feminist bit - i don't think that comes into play at all IMO, everyone does what they feel right for their family unit.

YABveryveryR