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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my DC's to know their half sibling?

35 replies

NewTeacher · 11/02/2010 12:57

My DH has a child from a previous relationship who is now in their teens. My DH has had no contact for the past 6 years other than the letters and cards our DC's send. (THats another long story we have tried for access but his XW has made it impossible).

Now the child has a facebook account and I told my DS who being only 6 asked if he could talk to his sibling. I agreed but am finding that the child is being mean by emphasising the new brother and sister they have in their new family and doesnt want to acknowledge the siblings from their dads family.

This child has even put on FB I love my mum and dad (we have no probs with that but I think she is trying to make her real dad feel bad!).Child has also changed her info to say she LOVES her siblings (from her mothers side).

I feel that I have made a mistake in allowing my son to speak to their half sibling as she is trying to hurt him. Why would she and her mother feel that it is ok to do this?

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 11/02/2010 13:01

Obviously I don't know the details - but it sounds as though they are still smarting from the relationship breaking down.
Don't do it to your 6 year old. I think any reconciliation needs to happen between your DH and the children before your DS is exposed to being hurt by a hurting teenager.

sowhatis · 11/02/2010 13:02

I dont think your son should be speaking to her at 6 - you and your DH need to establish contact first. she is older now and if she wants your DH in her life then he should talk to her - not put the relatioships building onto a 6YO

Poledra · 11/02/2010 13:05

Who knows what your DH's ExW has told the child? If she made it impossible for your DH to have contact, might she not also have spun unpleasant stories to the child herself about her daddy? So, the child wants to hit back, and this is the only way she can do it.

It's really between your DH, his daughter and his ExW. It's not your son's fault but he's an easy target. Sadly, he should not be speaking to his half-sibling until the adults sort out the mess, IMHO.

AKMD · 11/02/2010 13:10

Does your 6 year old have a FB account or is he using yours? If the first (maternity judgy-pants on) then you are exposing him to all sorts of horrible things anyway and I would close it down if it was my DS. If the second, I would change the password on the account and explain to DS.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 11/02/2010 13:10

ditto

SoupDragon · 11/02/2010 13:12

The child doesn't know your DS in the same way she knows the other half-siblings.

diddl · 11/02/2010 13:13

Of course YANBU for them to want to know each other.
But FB?

How has the ex obstructed visits?

Original poster
NewTeacher · 11/02/2010 13:15

when we had access they were never home. they would cancel visits saying something else was on. we went back to court and it dragged on for 2 years and it was too stressful so we gave up.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewTeacher · 11/02/2010 13:17

oh and they never answer letters etc. we dont have phone numbers so cant ring though they have ours.

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 11/02/2010 13:21

" it was too stressful so we gave up"
Like I say - don't do it to your 6 year old.

JaneS · 11/02/2010 13:23

Why did you tell your son that his half-brother had a facebook account? I don't mean to be rude, but why would you do that before checking the other child was happy to get in touch with you?

YANBU to want the children to get to know each other, but perhaps not via the internet in the first instance?

BariatricObama · 11/02/2010 13:25

why would you do this on fecking facebook?

Original poster
NewTeacher · 11/02/2010 13:26

they have tried contact via letters but nothing.

I guess I'll tell him not to worry about it and say she'll call soon.

Thanks.

OP posts:
pooexplosionsareimproving · 11/02/2010 13:31

Of course the child thinks little of her father and his new family, he found fighting for her "too stressful and gave up".
What could make you imagine that it would be a good plan to let your 6 yr old talk to a stranger on facebook of all things?

And don't tell him she'll call soon unless you know that for a fact.

TrillianAstra · 11/02/2010 13:33

Sharing genes does not necessarily mean that you will have anything in common, or any bond.

If your DH is not in contact with his children then it's a bit crazy to try to manufacture a relationship between your DS and his half-siblings.

MrsToffeeCrisp · 11/02/2010 13:38

Think its crazy to expect a 6 year old to be able to deal with this, especially on Facebook fgs.

YANBU to want your DC to know their sibling but through the internet is not the way to go about this.

Plus, it's got to come from both sides. If the sibling doesn't really want to know and will upset your DC then I'd leave it for a while.

GColdtimer · 11/02/2010 13:39

I can't believe you are exposing your son to all this. YANBU to want your son to have a relationship with his siblings but YABU in the way you are going about it.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 11/02/2010 13:39

You have no idea what the step-sister thinks of your DH, and therefore his family. It was unfair on your DC and on her to do this via facebook.

It's good that she knows the door is open to her, but she'll need to be the one to make the first move

megapixels · 11/02/2010 13:42

YABU to force a relationship with a child who doesn't want it. I don't know why you're putting your 6 year old through all this anyway - telling him he has a half sibling on FB, getting him to add and talk to her, only for her to be mean to him. Why, why, why?

JodieO · 11/02/2010 13:44

You shouldn't have told your son in the first place. I can't believe a parent would just "give up" fighting to see their child. I would never give up the right to see my child if the tables were reversed. I would have stuck it out in court no matter what. I expect his daughter feels that he couldn't be bothered fighting to see her and then went and had another child to replace her with.

JodieO · 11/02/2010 13:46

Oh and I think that the father should be the one making the effort at contact now, why should she as a teenager be doing it? I imagine she wants to feel wanted by him and so for him to make the real effort to speak with her now.

Her mother couldn't "obstruct access" so easily now that their daughter is older and so I think it would be a lot easier for him to build a relationship with her. This needs to be done first before expecting her to see your son. She must feel that he wants to see and speak with her and that it isn't about anybody else; just them. I wouldn't be surprised if she felt resentful of your son for now.

FioFio · 11/02/2010 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

zipzap · 11/02/2010 13:51

Slight aside but is your dh on fb?

Is it worth him trying to make contact with his child that way and saying that he loves all his children, misses not being allowed to see them etc?

Would at least be a way for your dh to re-establish contact and for it to be direct to child rather than routed through parent.

If kid is in teens then he could even offer to visit/take him out. Exw probably won't like it but then at least it would be her that would be the one stopping the visit rather than her being able to twist the situation against your dh...

FioFio · 11/02/2010 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JodieO · 11/02/2010 14:28

It shouldn't be that way but it is sometimes and no parent should give up on trying to see their child. It's not for the child to arrange! It isn't the child's fault that her father has a new relationship/child and doesn't want to spend the time trying to see her.

I can't believe people would just give up, 2 years isn't really that long a time in the whole scheme of things, for an adult, for a child it can feel like a lifetime. Try putting yourself in her shoes and how rejected she must feel.

I've never been in this situation btw in case anyone thinks I'm being biased. I've divorced my dc's father but I want them to have a good relationship so he gets to see them regularly.

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