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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unreasonable or needy? You decide

30 replies

FleeBee · 10/02/2010 21:54

Right need some help in pulling myself together. Just had 3 weeks of MIL staying with me and it?s been a bit of a slog,. We have 2 DC and have been married nearly 14 years. During this time MIL hasn?t been fond of me ? and I?m not wild with her either, I?ve had the lecture that ?I stole DH from her, and they were very close until I turned up and changed all that?. 6 years ago MIL & FIL divorced and MIL moved overseas with SIL and her 4 DC so thankfully there is a bit of distance. It was a bit of a shock and turmoil with the marriage breakdown which resulted in the move abroad so tried to be supportive and put the past behind us.

Fast forward to now, My youngest DD was baptised in Jan so MIL came over for a visit. I really tried to make the visit enjoyable for her, so that I would enjoy it too, but it was all a bit strange. She didn?t want to spend much time with the DC who are 2 and 8 months. She?d go off shopping, getting manicures, hair appointments and she?d stay in bed all morning and some days not get out of her pjs and dressing gown so if I suggested we go out, she?d decline. She didn?t get involved with the DC not sitting on baths or doing stories or sitting with us during meals. I?ve converted what should be our dining room into the DC playroom and put a table in the kitchen, and then the sitting room is what I call the adult room ? no toys, so the kids don?t go in. So MIL spent a lot of time in there during the day watching TV.

I?m a SAHM so I do all the chores, cooking, cleaning etc but was kind of hoping for a little bit of help, for instance if my mum comes to stay she?ll say shall I cook dinner or bath the DC? Or if I cook dinner, she?ll offer to washup. So she didn?t offer any help, so I just carried on, but did feel she was treating me as her housekeeper.

I guess I just wanted her to be more involved and maybe offer a bit of help for the three weeks. I know she doesn?t rate me as a wife for her son, but hoped she?d see me as an OK mum. It sounds ridiculous but I wanted her approval that I?m doing OK with 2 little children. I don?t have any other family nearby so do manage well on my own, it?s just a bit more awkward when you have someone staying. In the end my DH insisted that she did come with us on a couple of trips out, and I think she enjoyed it and she took lots of photos. Most notably at DD?s baptism she was very determined to hold DD all throughout the day and get lots of pictures yet, was quite indifferent the rest of the time.

No idea why I feel so needy towards her, she?s gone home now and didn?t say if she?d enjoyed herself, or what she thought of the DC, I kind of hoped she would say that they are nice kids, they are most of the time! She went back a week ago and hasn?t even phoned to say she?s arrived home, so unless she?s still at the airport??!!

Help me stop being so needy and pathetic!!

OP posts:

caen · 10/02/2010 22:05

Aw, we all like to be told we're doing well. So I'll tell you; you're doing very well! Two young children and ALL the household chores . I am lazy though

I don't think it's really a MIL issue by the sounds of it. She was just a very rude and lazy house guest. She probably wanted lots of photos to show people back home but is too lazy to actually put any effort in. Maybe she just wanted the 'romantic' side of grandchildren with no effort required. It's a real shame because she won't know them for who they really are unless she interacts with them.

tadjennyp · 10/02/2010 22:09

I know exactly how you feel! My MIL blows hot and cold with me all the time, sometimes very pleasant, sometimes downright rude. Yet, still I want her to acknowledge that I make her ds very happy, have given her 2 beautiful dgcs, just a bit of respect you know. I think at some point you have to cut your losses and think, 'I know I have done my best by her,' and just be polite and uninterested in her too. HTH

tadjennyp · 10/02/2010 22:11

And what Caen said - you are doing very well

kinnies · 10/02/2010 22:18

What did Dh think of her treating you like a skivey?

tiredlady · 10/02/2010 22:21

Forget her approval. Do you really want approval from someone who is quite as rude and lazy as she is. She clearly is not remotely interested in you or your dc.
Let it go if you can. Concentrate on the relationships in your life that make you feel good

pjmama · 10/02/2010 22:23

Sounds like you're doing a great job and you really don't need her approval! If she can't be a better houseguest, then I wouldn't invite her again.

Pancakeflipper · 10/02/2010 22:25

You did very well. You did very well not to to give her a swift kick up the bum and tell her to act like a grown up instead of a spoilt brat.

Don't look for her approval because it sounds like her morals/ ethics/ standards are very different to yours so you'd have turn into a spoilt uninterested bore like her to get any acknowledgement. Hope she's gone home.

Ivykaty44 · 10/02/2010 22:26

so no thank you note? how rude, you waited on her hand and foot

i would have stabbed her in the dark bathroom and made a mess

ReneRusso · 10/02/2010 22:27

You don't sound needy or pathetic. But she sounds like she's quite an unhappy person. It's a shame she couldn't help out or engage with the children, but it really is her loss. I think you just have to accept you and your DC are not going to have a great relationship with her. Find some approval and improve your self esteem from elsewhere in your life, sounds like you are doing a great job.

pushmepullyou · 10/02/2010 22:28

You sound like a much nicer person than she is

moondog · 10/02/2010 22:29

Her approval?
Fuck her is my gut reaction.
She sounds vile and I can't believe you put up with her for 3 weeks and got no help.Mine was lovely and 3 days was maximum stay with lots of help and support and general kindness.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 10/02/2010 23:30

What ReneRusso says.

Really, I know it's hard but do try not to seek approval from her. You sound very nice, and capable, and a lovely mum, with no doubt, lovely kids. She sounds a leetle bit odd tbh. You did 3 weeks with her, so perhaps breath a sigh of relief that she's now gone and concentrate on your immediate family.

What does your dh think about her behaviour?

MarineIguana · 10/02/2010 23:43

Wow 3 weeks. I would have gone completely bonkers and run screaming for the hills by then!

Maybe after her divorce she's turned to a more selfish/pleasing herself way of life? Or maybe that's a feature of some older people anyway. My MIL and my mum both can't really be arsed with DS although they say they are keen to see him and want to visit/us to visit them, but when it happens they mostly have better things to do

But in a way that's better than overbearing interferingness.

MarineIguana · 10/02/2010 23:44

rofl at Ivykaty's stabbing solution

RedbinDippers · 10/02/2010 23:50

She's gone and you haven't ended up in nick - good. How are you going to stop her coming again?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 11/02/2010 00:56

My MIL comes over from interstate every few months to help out when my husband has a business trip (I work 4 days/week and don't have enough leave to take when he's away for a week or two, and I don't like putting our daughter in fulltime nursery). Not only does she babysit for the 10 hour day that I'm out, but she always cooks dinner, and then cleans the kitchen while I'm doing bathtime and putting my little one to bed. It's total bliss.

As for managing all the chores and cooking with a toddler and an eight month old - you're a superstar! I only have one 14 mo old, and on my days home with her I'm doing well if I get three meals down us both, keep the kitchen clean and get a load of laundry hung out. You're fantastic.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 11/02/2010 00:57

Sorry, the above sounds really smug. I meant it to say '...and therefore you are NBU at all, your MIL is a horror' but left that bit out in favour of going on about myself instead. Whoops.

piprabbit · 11/02/2010 01:31

If I was divorced, living abroad and was sitting around in my PJs watching TV all day, someone on MN would probably suggest I might be depressed.

At the very least your MIL sounds very unhappy. Does she normally enjoy time spent with the children, regardless of her feelings for you? Is she normally more involved in family life? If this is quite a sudden change in behaviour then it makes me wonder she is unhappier than you may have realised.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 11/02/2010 11:07

YANBU. The happiest day of my life (one of them anyway) was when we got the phone call to say that the jealous bitch had died.

minxofmancunia · 11/02/2010 11:15

yanbu, but she does sound as though she may be depressed, or maybe she's just rude!

my FiL is the most obnoxious person on earth and I convince myself he must have mental health difficulties because if he's the way he is by choice he's just horrible.

you have beed a saint for doing 3 weeks!

catwalker · 11/02/2010 11:23

Maybe your MIL didn't feel comfortable in your house and had the impression you didn't want her to interfere? Maybe she was waiting for a cue from you, "could you supervise the kids' bath for me?", "it would be such a help to me if you could look after them for a couple of hours while I catch up on some shopping" etc. Most people like to feel needed. Your MIL might have felt like she was an intruder/unwanted guest and that you had everything under control and didn't need or want her help.

I was a real bitch to my inlaws when I had a young family (not suggesting you are)though I did have some provocation. I realise with hindsight that, what I took to be their unhelpfulness, was probably them frozen with fear of doing/saying the wrong thing.

SeasideLil · 11/02/2010 11:43

My MIL is exactly like this, loves the 'idea' of grandchildren, wants lots of videos and photos taken which she then hawks round her friends, but doesn't actually do much with the children when she's with them. I realised she's not actually a very good parent, especially with babies and toddlers and just sits and looks at them as if she's never seen one before. She's a bit better now they are a bit older and able to chat and do activities with her. But not all mothers are maternal or great with kids, and that's just the way it is. My MIL does help out around the house, though, I agree with those who've suggested asking her directly next time, if she still doesn't want to then don't think it's you, it's definitely her problem and you just have to limit her visits!

hippacrocadillypig · 11/02/2010 11:43

at Kreecher.

I also think she sounds like she might have depression - can your DH talk to his sister and find out if this is normal for her when she is at home? What did your DH think - is this how he would expect her to behave - is it how she has always been?

But no YANBU, but you need to try to care a bit less about what she thinks, you are clearly a good mum and a decent person, her behaviour is strange and not your issue.

I am very lucky as both my mum and my MIL help out when they are here.

Lilybunny · 11/02/2010 11:55

Does your MIL help with your SIL's kids alot? Maybe she wanted a break from the childcare stuff? I still think that she was a PIA and should have spend her time enjoying your dc as she doesn't see them very much. I wouldn't dream of staying with someone for 3 weeks and not lifting a finger. Definitely wonder if she is depressed.

taffetacat · 11/02/2010 12:08

kreecher

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