Unreasonable or needy? You decide

[FleeBee]

Right need some help in pulling myself together. Just had 3 weeks of MIL staying with me and it?s been a bit of a slog,. We have 2 DC and have been married nearly 14 years. During this time MIL hasn?t been fond of me ? and I?m not wild with her either, I?ve had the lecture that ?I stole DH from her, and they were very close until I turned up and changed all that?. 6 years ago MIL & FIL divorced and MIL moved overseas with SIL and her 4 DC so thankfully there is a bit of distance. It was a bit of a shock and turmoil with the marriage breakdown which resulted in the move abroad so tried to be supportive and put the past behind us.

Fast forward to now, My youngest DD was baptised in Jan so MIL came over for a visit. I really tried to make the visit enjoyable for her, so that I would enjoy it too, but it was all a bit strange. She didn?t want to spend much time with the DC who are 2 and 8 months. She?d go off shopping, getting manicures, hair appointments and she?d stay in bed all morning and some days not get out of her pjs and dressing gown so if I suggested we go out, she?d decline. She didn?t get involved with the DC not sitting on baths or doing stories or sitting with us during meals. I?ve converted what should be our dining room into the DC playroom and put a table in the kitchen, and then the sitting room is what I call the adult room ? no toys, so the kids don?t go in. So MIL spent a lot of time in there during the day watching TV.

I?m a SAHM so I do all the chores, cooking, cleaning etc but was kind of hoping for a little bit of help, for instance if my mum comes to stay she?ll say shall I cook dinner or bath the DC? Or if I cook dinner, she?ll offer to washup. So she didn?t offer any help, so I just carried on, but did feel she was treating me as her housekeeper.

I guess I just wanted her to be more involved and maybe offer a bit of help for the three weeks. I know she doesn?t rate me as a wife for her son, but hoped she?d see me as an OK mum. It sounds ridiculous but I wanted her approval that I?m doing OK with 2 little children. I don?t have any other family nearby so do manage well on my own, it?s just a bit more awkward when you have someone staying. In the end my DH insisted that she did come with us on a couple of trips out, and I think she enjoyed it and she took lots of photos. Most notably at DD?s baptism she was very determined to hold DD all throughout the day and get lots of pictures yet, was quite indifferent the rest of the time.

No idea why I feel so needy towards her, she?s gone home now and didn?t say if she?d enjoyed herself, or what she thought of the DC, I kind of hoped she would say that they are nice kids, they are most of the time! She went back a week ago and hasn?t even phoned to say she?s arrived home, so unless she?s still at the airport??!!

Help me stop being so needy and pathetic!!

kreecher

OP - YANBU. Her loss.

Could she not feel well, maybe she has aches and pains, and needs a lot of down time to function?
You sound like a nice DIL and she probably just is one of those odd types, who never give a compliment or do a favour, or say a thank-you, but will be home telling her friends what a great time she had, showing off the pictures proudly.

Tadjennyp - good advice,
BTW, Do we have the same MIL?

Thanks for the messages,it's given me another way of looking at things. My DC are her 5th and 6th grandchildren so she has said in the past that they aren't a novelty, plus she said it's a different relationship with GC of a DS than a DD. So perhaps she was looking for a break and having a bit of time away. Back home she lives with my SIL, BIL and 4 DC but they are older aged 16-8 and she isn't really a baby person.

My DH finds her hardgoing, he got frustrated that she'd sit and not get involved wiht the DC and watch so much TV! He did feel a bit rotten leaving me with her everyday when he went to work, and the final straw when she finished his supplies of whickey!!

I do wonder if she's a bit down, she doesn't work or has any interests as far as I can gather she sits watching TV alot at home. I feel a bit rotten that I didn't engage with her more. Having said that, I'm in no rush to invite her back and as she hasn't phoned us we can avoid her quite easily.

I was made redundant when pg, so being a mum is my role and life, I guess I was just after a bit of a pat on the back, but perhaps should try to understand her more, so she can understand me.

Unless your BIL's girlfriend majafa, I don't think so. He's the golden child but doesn't want to get married or have children which is part of MIL's gripe with me, I think. She's just got me instead of whom she wanted iyswim?

FleeBee I know what you mean about being a SAHM and wanting someone to acknowledge your successes and hard work. Perhaps you could take up a hobby or do a course in something you've always been interested in and derive some personal satisfaction from that?