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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

me, my mother, food and fat!

48 replies

mustbelardy · 10/02/2010 15:25

Gosh - she is driving me up to the wall. We have both lost 3 stone. I may have put on a little bit since xmas ( few lbs). Shes taken to asking my 4year old dd to tell her if i had had chocolate. ok, it was funny the first time. But everytime she sees her ( couple of times a week) or speak to her on the phone she asks her. Telling her its bad and she has to tell my mum what ive eaten and ill get fat.
I am not happy about this at all. I feel that its giving DD bad food images. At the momment she eats really well this is not a message i want her to have.
Secondly, its none of her damn business what i eat. She is not the food police.
I saw her yesterday and she was going on about it AGAIN and i said something to her about it. Cue her stropping off in a huff and is now not speaking to me.

Prior to this ive got a work thing to go to and first thing she said to me was ' make sure you wear your magic knickers'.

Then today, a work collegue brought some clothes in that no longer fit her ( nice things from coast) she asked if i wanted them as they might fit me. They are all size 18.
No offence to anyone that size, in a size 14. I appreciate i am not by any stretch slim, skinny or thin. I know im curvey. I could even be chubby. But i dont think im that bad.

Ive been walking around feeling paranoid all day.

Was i being unreasonable to tell my mum off about saying things?

Am i fat? ( pics on profile for limited time)

OP posts:
diddl · 10/02/2010 15:35

Your mum definitely shouldn´t be involving your daughter.

And surely the occasional treat is OK?

Sounds as if your Mum has issues tbh.

Can´t tell much from your pics, but you appear to have great legs!

fedupofthis · 10/02/2010 15:42

Your mum is jealous.
You are not fat nor could you be mistaken for a size 18.
I had a friend who when I lost weight(size 8/10) gave me a selection of her size 14 and 16 clothes- I became paranoid too until I tried on a skirt in front of her that fell down it was so big.

'Tis jealousy I tell you.

Kaloki · 10/02/2010 15:42

That's nuts and totally unreasonable of your mum.

Original poster
mustbelardy · 10/02/2010 15:43

The pics are a bit rubbish, but i didnt want any one to recognise me

She does have issues. Shes terribly terribly judgements of all people. Mostly commenting on peoples looks. Its something she has always done. My sister and i were discussing it and i thought ' thats it. Im not letting her do to my daughter what she did to me'
Young girls get more than enough negative images through peers, press and suchlike, and she does not need it coming from her own family.

Worst thing was my mum just didnt see that at all ( but she wouldnt as shes done it since forever).

Shes now at the point of hardly eating anything, chastising anyone who does it and is constantly complaing of being cold, mostly due to the fact she isnt eating enough.... and, thing is, she doesnt weigh anyless than me, ( and im 4 inches taller). The other day she annoucned she had 0% body fat. I did tell her that that was unlikely seeing that even athleats have more than 0%. PLus she is also a size 12/14.

A cream egg is not going to kill me. She needs to but out.

OP posts:
arsesandoldlace · 10/02/2010 15:44

You don't look fat to me, you have a cute figure.

Size 14 isn't a large size, unless you feel too big for your own frame.

I agree with diddl, your mum sounds like she has a problem. Why does it matter to her what size your body is? It's not her body after all.
It's completely wrong of her to speak to your DD about 'fat' issues, young girls shouldn't be even thinking about these things at such an impressionable age.

If I was in your position, I'd let mum ring you first to apologise. She's gone about this the wrong way and needs to stop. How is your relationship normally?

LaurieFairyCake · 10/02/2010 15:45

I'm laughing my tits off at the idea you could be mistaken for a size 18.

I can't tell how pretty you are from the photos but you have a smokin' body (I'm a size 18 btw)

Your mum's a twat and your work colleague is jealous.

Does that sum it up?

itsmeolord · 10/02/2010 15:46

You are nowhere near fat. Your mum is being ott.

I would keep telling her to stop, if she won't then stop seeing her till she does. If she does it on the phone then end the conversation. She'll soon get the message.

And stop putting your dd on the phone to her until she has stopped.

Original poster
mustbelardy · 10/02/2010 15:48

she wont appolgise. never.
Relationship is ok as long as she gets her own way and nobody says anything.

But, when it concerns my daughter and something i think is harmful i will speak up and its tough if she doesnt like it.

I know i could do with losing another stone. Im working on it. I have PCOS so its just that little bit more difficult. I have quite a large tummy i think, but the rest im mostly happy with. ( mind you when i was younger, pre baby and a size 10 i also had a large tummy, its just the shape i am).

Im just really annoyed at her and feeling that maybe i do actually look really bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
mustbelardy · 10/02/2010 15:52

you are all being too kind. I am a little bit fat. My bmi is 26.. so technically overweight. Plus really. I do have a big stomach. It is big and very wobbly and hangs down over c section scar.

I mostly accept it, until people make me feel bad.

DD is going to be very tall. She is also quite chunky ( although her bmi is on the lower side). I think shes is probably going to feel self conscious enough as she grows up, being bigger than most people, without my mum making it worse.

OP posts:
MissM · 10/02/2010 15:54

I think you look really good, and well done for losing so much weight. The important thing is not passing on these issues to your daughter, as you recognise. You have to deal with them as your mum has passed them on to you, but your daughter doesn't have to suffer that damage.

So, personally, I would ask her not to make such comments to your daughter or in front of her. Explain your reasons why. If she persists then sadly you may have to limit contact.

And remember, it is her issue, not yours.

PotPourri · 10/02/2010 15:57

I don't think you even look a 14 in your pic. More like a 12 - i.e. I think you look slim. Maybe cos you used to be bigger, your friend had a different picture in her head than the reality. Not offensive, just a bit lazy not to look properly iyswim.

Not sure what you should do about your mum - only suggestion I would have is to tell her straight that you don't want her refering to it again because a) it is not appropriate to be so interested, you are an adult and make your own choices, and b) you do not want your child to have issues with food, and therefore talking about it like it is a crime is bad for her.

Good luck. FWIW, you look really nice in your pic. Tomorrow wear your nicest outfit adn take time to do your hair and make up and remember you are gorgeous all day - turn this thing around!

GhoulsAreLoud · 10/02/2010 15:57

You're Mum needs to stop it. Now.

You are not fat, not in the slightest.

Coast stuff is very fitted and teeny weeny IME, which may be where she was coming from?

GhoulsAreLoud · 10/02/2010 15:58

Your Mum I meant!

TrillianAstra · 10/02/2010 16:00

You look good in the pics. She is a weird jealous woman who lies. You need to tell her that what you eat is none of her business and that she is not allowed to talk to your DD about food or weight at all ever.

Original poster
mustbelardy · 10/02/2010 16:01

I dont want to pass on these issues. I also dont want my daugher to suffer with low self esteme.
I will not allow it.
I know how i felt growing up, and how long its taken to feel confident etc... ( although, clearly it doesnt take a lot to knock that confidence)

Mum was always on a diet, she put us all on diets aged 10 i think. Made us do exercise videos. Told us off aged 13/14/15/16 as i didnt have a figure like ' baby from dirty dancing'.

Got angry with me when she took me prom dress shopping as i was a size 12 and short and hard to find dresses for.

She used to pinch fat on us as we walked past her.

Mean. Totally. Of course, she would deny all of this.

We eat healthy. 95% is cooked from scratch. Heck, last year i grew a lot of our food too. We nearly always have 5 a day and we have at least a daily 40 min walk round the park. I swim mile and half once a week ( would be more, cant get a baby sitter) DD starts swimming next month.

So, we eat well, exercise... i think thats ok.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 10/02/2010 16:02

Oh for heaven's sake you look just fine! And she has no right to involve your daughter or discuss food in such a damaging way with her.

GhoulsAreLoud · 10/02/2010 16:04

I think you sound really healty and sorted, which is something of a miracle given the way you were brought up at baby from dirty dancing!

Carry on as you are and ignore her.

Original poster
mustbelardy · 10/02/2010 16:07

i would be a 12 if it wasnt for my stomach....
hey ho!

Friend has is new friend and has only known me this size, so i dont know.....

Im not a very good judge as i know that i think i look bigger than i am. Like i said, before when i was a size 10 ( and a topshop 10 at that!) i used to say i was a 'fat size 10'. I still thought i was fat then. I still remember being fat then.

But, i had started feeling quite good about myself but over the last few weeks ( how long she has been going on about it) ive been feeling worse and worse.

OP posts:
RemyMartin · 10/02/2010 16:08

I would go absolutely mental if anyone said anything like that to my poor innocent child (speaking as someone with food ishoos) And no way do you look size 18.

BettyButterknife · 10/02/2010 16:08

You are lovely as you are. Your mum sounds horrid, sorry.

My parents are hideous to me about my weight - most recent comment from my dad: 'are you the fattest you've ever been?'. Charming.

It is THEIR problem, not yours although I appreciate if you are worried it will affect your DD then it becomes your problem. I agree with the others - be really straight with her and try try try not to bring up any of the stuff from your childhood, which although tempting would be detrimental if you want her to realise this is about you DD.

You know, if the Coast stuff is nice you could always cheerfully accept it and say you know a good tailor who could take it in for you

Original poster
mustbelardy · 10/02/2010 16:15

The coast stuff is nice.... but im still offended by it.

Dont get me wrong, i could see the funny side the first time DD told then id eaten a cream egg. I thought i had eaten it out of her view as i didnt want to share it with her! SO, it was a little bit funny. But my mother has turned it into something else quite horrible. This morning DD said to me, ' mummy dont eat any more food or you might turn into a giant'.

I wont bring up anything from the past, she denys it or just goes mental. so its not worth it.

This is why i dont want DD to have food issues, so she doesnt end up at 31 being all upset thinking shes the size of a whale.

OP posts:
Lovecat · 10/02/2010 16:15

You have a lovely figure - you look smaller than me and I'm a size 12 (with similar c-section belly issues)!

Sorry but your mum sounds like a prize loon and nasty with it - if I were you I would withdraw from her because it sounds like she is transferring her issues onto your DD.

If that's impossible to do, then you may have to accept that there will be more huffs on the horizon, as you can't allow this to happen - not that you are, you are totally doing the right thing, but if she won't accept she's in the wrong, then it could be tough.

You have my sympathies

ageing5yearseachyear · 10/02/2010 16:17

god, this could be me----

my mother is obsessed with her weight and more than obsessed with mine- it drives me absoutely mad- she has made some truly dreadful comments in her time.

i am now on a diet without telling her and am ignoring every single comment with regard to weight and appearence.

agree it is terrible for her to involve your 4 year old.

tell dd that nanny is a bit old and silly and doesnt really know what she is talking about ( hopefully she will repeat it word for word!

Original poster
mustbelardy · 10/02/2010 16:19

thanks lovecat. Thats very kind. Just had a look at your pics.
You are lovely and slim.

Im at least twice the size of you. seriously i am.

I would kill to be your size.

OP posts:
nikki1978 · 10/02/2010 16:21

My mum was exactly the same as yours mustbelardy. Luckily she stopped completely after a lifetime of critising me when DD was born.

You need to tell your mum not to talk about food and fat issues with your DD. Then to be honest you need to accept she is who she is and won't change then deal with YOUR issues to do with food, body image and your relationship with your mum as you are also quite likely to pass these issues onto your daughter if you are obsessed about it. I hope that doesn't sound harsh but I honestly know exactly how you feel and your posts don't sound like you are ok about any of these issues. I found therapy worked well to help me forgive my mum and start to deal with my own food and body images issues. I am not there yet but am working on it ;)