me, my mother, food and fat!

[mustbelardy]

Gosh - she is driving me up to the wall. We have both lost 3 stone. I may have put on a little bit since xmas ( few lbs). Shes taken to asking my 4year old dd to tell her if i had had chocolate. ok, it was funny the first time. But everytime she sees her ( couple of times a week) or speak to her on the phone she asks her. Telling her its bad and she has to tell my mum what ive eaten and ill get fat.
I am not happy about this at all. I feel that its giving DD bad food images. At the momment she eats really well this is not a message i want her to have.
Secondly, its none of her damn business what i eat. She is not the food police.
I saw her yesterday and she was going on about it AGAIN and i said something to her about it. Cue her stropping off in a huff and is now not speaking to me.

Prior to this ive got a work thing to go to and first thing she said to me was ' make sure you wear your magic knickers'.

Then today, a work collegue brought some clothes in that no longer fit her ( nice things from coast) she asked if i wanted them as they might fit me. They are all size 18.
No offence to anyone that size, in a size 14. I appreciate i am not by any stretch slim, skinny or thin. I know im curvey. I could even be chubby. But i dont think im that bad.

Ive been walking around feeling paranoid all day.

Was i being unreasonable to tell my mum off about saying things?

Am i fat? ( pics on profile for limited time)

Don't let your DD answer the phone or talk to her granny on the phone. That will teach your horrible mum.

Well done on losing the weight. You look good, imo. Hope you did it for you and not in hopes of gaining your mum's attention of a positive response from her.

I think you have to be very firm with someone like this who is obsessed to the extent she is, and be prepared to shrug your shoulders at the strops and silly games she will play when you refuse to engage with her. Stand firm about your DD and what your mum may NOT ever mention to her. She has no business roping your DD in as her little helper. It's not ok to use a child like that against a parent no matter what the 'issue' is.

mum is a loon.
My sister has brought a dress, shes to be a bridesmaid at my mums wedding.
She slipped straight into a size 12 and looked amazing.
First thing mum said ' you need magic knickers, you stomach sticks out'
Now shes going on and on to my sister about how she should try the dress to ( and we both know it because she wants to see if it fits her and if she thinks she looks better in it)

Shes constantly telling everyone ( and by everyone i mean from shop assistants to random people in the park) about how shes lost the weight. When i say, yes, ive lost that too. Or my sister says thats shes lost two stone she gets in a huff.

OR a positive response...

eeeeee mothers

Mine has a bee in her bonnet about my weight, yes I am over weight, not massively but it's my business.

I was eating some birthday cake of DS's last week and sat on the Tripp Trapp chair and she yelled 'carefull, don't break it' A - I am not that fat B - totally horrible at DS2's birthday party.

I was furious and upset but have not told her so.

She also says things like 'don't use butter' when I am making a sandwich and when we went to Tesco together she rambled on and on about healthy recipes, I nearly walloped her with an enormous bag of potatos!

i lost the weight due to gall bladder problems and not being able to eat anything for about 4 months.
ALso, finally getting rid of an abusive husband worked wonders too as i didnt comfort eat anymore.

I would still like to lose another stone ( well, if im honest 2, but i think thats a bit unrealistic)

Im not obsessed by food at all. ( onlyt when my mother interfears ) i love food, i love to eat, i love to cook. I grow food. We go to farmers markets etc.... ima bit of a foodie. I want DD to love food, appreciate it and everything is ok in moderation.

I get huffy with my mother if she talks about my weight but there's no way she'd be as spiteful as your mother about it. I think your mother is really crossing the line with what she says.

Sounds like you're doing a great job with your DD and with yourself too. I admire you for being determined not to pass her attitude down to the next generation.

No, you're not lardy! I wouldn't worry too much about your friend and the Coast clothes. Maybe she was just thinking that you'd look nice in a particular colour or in a particular style that would show off your fantastic legs. Maybe she wasn't thinking at all.

I'm jealous that getting rid of an abusive husband helped you shed the weight. Getting rid of mine has led to six months of comfort eating and consequent weight gain. Need to do something about it now...

You sound really lovely!
Have you heard of Narcissistic personality disorder? From what you say, your mother sounds like a classic case.
If you do a search there is a thread about it here. There are a few of us whose mothers have this.

You look great, your mother sounds weird.

Just tell her you've got a 21 year old toyboy who just can't get enough of your curves and to mind her own bloody business.

Sweetheart I know this isn't a very nice thing to say but your mother sounds very abusive. Can't believe she put you on diets at 10 and made you do exercise videos - you sound very healthy and balanced against all the odds. Your mum has serious problems but they are her problems. You, on the other hand, sound very aware and absolutely committed to not allowing your daughter to suffer what you did. It worried me that your mum is trying to get your DD to spy on you - what kind of unpleasant power is that giving a four year-old?

Carry on telling yourself that you look amazing, and read this thread over and over again. We all think you look great and completely support your determination to protect your little girl!

Although if mother has weight problems she could be projecting.

My mum struggled with her weight almost all of her life.

I used to be skinny until puberty & have had to be careful since then.

Daughter appears to be going same way & sometimes it´s really tempting to tell her not to eat something as she´ll spend the rest of her life regretting it/trying to get rid of the weight it caused!

well, miss m. thats the other thing, I will not have my dd telling me off or spying on me. It is wrong.
MUm is trying to get DD to play us off aganist each other. I will not allow it.

Mum is mean. I was seeing one man ( well, sort of am still seeing). hes very wealthy. She told me he must be making it up, he probably had other girlfriends, he was just trying to impress me and i was a fool. he was also apparently a 'dick' as he had long hair.
[hmmm]

Ive been asked out on a date my someone else lovely. ( i am going as other relationship isnt going anywhere) He also has a very good job. I only told her about it as last time i hadnt and it caused a huge argument in which she ignored me for 3 weeks. So, i told her about the date. She asked if he had ' baggage and how old he was' When i said 31 and none she said ' well, there must be something odd about him, if hes 31 and still lives at home....; when i asked her where she got the fact that he lives at home from she said she just assumed. Then she decided to tell me he might be bi, or even gay so it would not be worth me going. All she keeps asking is what he looks like now... Also, he has the same name as previous bf, so already i have been accused of making it all up.

My confidence was high, i do get told quite often that i am attractive. If i go out i always get chatted up by at least one man. I get a lot of compliments , which i have learnt to gracefully accept , and maybe even belive they might be true. Today howver, ive almost cancelled the date as im feeling why should i bother when im so ugly and unworthy....

This would make me very cross, especially the bit about involving your dd! I have struggled with my weight all my adult life, and manage to maintain a size 12 (sometimes 14!) with difficulty, but I decided early on when I had daughters that I really really didn't want to pass any such issues onto them. I am very concious not to even mention the word diet, or tell them if I am trying to lose weight, as I really don't want them growing up with that mindset.

You sound very sensible wrt your weight/ lifestyle/ dd, and I think you were right to tell your mum that this is NOT something you want imparted to your dd, for her future health and happiness.

Your daughter is only 4, protect her for a few more years before she gets sucked into the whole "Diet/ I'm so fat /I hate her - she's so thin" nonsense.

Go with your instincts, YANBU.

Woooow your mother is very jealous of you isn't she? I am VERY jealous of your lovely figure by the way, and whoever thought you were a size 18 is being spiteful. There's no way someone could make that mistake genuinely.

I have a family members that seems to have ishoos around me losing weight- I don't think she does it conciously. I have been quite big always- not huge, and I am tall so on good days I am "Amazonian" (), as it she. Recently, because of bfing, I have lost a bit of weight, and although she acknowledeges the weight has gone, she says things like "oooh, I'm like you, I can't stop snacking between meals" and "you shouldn't wear that dress, it really shows your figure." She has also refused to believe that I am a size 14, believing instead I'm hovering about 20. But she really is a lovely woman and has so many ishoos around her own weight, she doesn't know she's doing it. She'd be mortified if I pointed out what she was saying.

Hmm, your mum does sound a bit out of order. It's not on to nag you like that. I just wonder, might she not have quite realized that, at your size, you don't need to lose much/any? (I mean, BMI 26, that's barely overweight and wouldn't worry any doctor I know). Things like sizes can be really misleading - my mum proudly tells me she's a size 14, but then so am I. She's size 14 in East, M&S, etc., and I'm size 14 in Karen Millen or Topshop! She doesn't quite get it, maybe yours is the same and needs you to tell her you really don't need to lose any more weight (even if she does!)?

Your mum is wayyyyyyyy too involved in your life. You need to stop giving her information about your private life and keep your own counsel. You're a grown-up with a child of your own and a right to privacy, and with a mum like this a very pressing need to establish clear boundaries. Above all, you need to stop being bothered by her habit of not talking to you. Better by far not to be talking to you -- this is not a problem, but the best way to proceed actually.

Ha - mines the same. I expect she doesnt know she is doing it.
She sjust done it for so long. She also doesnt realise the effect its had on all of us ( 4 children). WE 'children' have all spoken at lenght about it and the detremental effect its had on all of us. Its still a very ' real' issue.
That will never change, its who she is. But by god, its terrible to be having to fight aganist it still.

But, though all this, i will still fight with her about it. Its no longer about me. Its about my DD and i refuse, point blank to let her ever, for a second feel that shes not good enough for her own mother.
I want her to believe that shes beautiful and clever, and kind, and funny, and all the other things that she is. I want her to have the confidence to speak up, and not go along with the crowd. Luckily for me shes a fiesty little thing, very much like me now, ( after ive rebuilt what was beaten out of me)

mathanxiety - yes we habe HUGE issues around boundaries and what she should and shouldnt know. HUGE issues. Its caused more arguments in the last 9 months than i can remember.

She will not accept that she shouldnt know everything. I dont care about the not talking, really, most of the time i enjoy the break from it.

But, then she goes back to being ok, and it all settles down again... only to blow up at the next thing.

Even when she's being ok, keep your privacy a high priority. She won't respect it if you try reaching out to her with bits of news about who you're dating, etc. That only gives her a chance to shoot you down all over again. You can fob her off with "I'm sorry you feel that way" if she starts on the negative remarks, but best not to give her any fodder at all. This woman is not your best friend. It's hard after a lifetime but you need to teach her how to treat you and also retrain yourself not to follow the role she has assigned to you and that you're most comfortable playing.

Can I just ask why you know what your 4 year olds BMI is? I haven't got a clue what my 4 year olds is and don't care! Have you looked it up somewhere just to make sure she isn't already overweight?

I'm not saying that to be nasty, I was just wondering if you were picking up some of your mother's anxieties without realising it!

You look FAB by the way and I love the green top you're wearing in the 2nd pic!

Don't let your mum become an emotional vampire in your life!!

Enjoy the date

mylifemykids - i checked it on the NHS bmi calculator.
I checked as she is clearly much bigger than her peers, both in height and build. Shes in age 5-6 clothes and is literally only just 4.