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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming at my friend.

33 replies

LittleMrsHappy · 10/02/2010 13:47

OK so maybe I am being unreasonable here, I dont know.

Ds2 is 4 and at Nursery, their is a child at his Nursery having a birthday party on Sunday, (I had a run in with the birthday child's mother, about a incident at Nursery concerning both boys, which the Nursery handled inappropriately) but thought is had been resolved.

Anyway, Nursery teacher gave out party invitations to ALL children in the Nursery setting except for my ds (both boys at Nursery get on really well and are apparently like two peas in a pod, comment from his Nursery teacher) I had to go into the quite room for ds as his teacher was trying to settle him, as he was very upset and sobbing, as he could not understand how he was not allowed to go to X child's party, as was the birthday party boy who was being comforted by his childminder. Teacher said she did not know he was not invited (birthday child said his mum told him ds1 was not allowed to go).

While talking to my friend, I mentioned that it took ages for me to settle ds1 as he feels like he has been naughty as he is not going to his friends party.

I tried explaining to ds1 that unfortunately that not everyone can go to ALL birthday parties and that sometimes it just the way things are, I felt awful as he turned and said, well everyone is going, just not me and started sobbing.

I MUST stress that I wasn't upset that ds1 was not going to the party, but at the fact that he had to endure every child getting a invitation except for him, and him thinking he was naughty for not going to X- child's party. both boys were visibly upset by the situation.

Friend said that her child has been invited also (afternoon setting, and not in the birthday child's class) and that she felt horrible and was sad for ds, as he burst out crying again.

Yesterday my friend had phoned the birthday child's mother up, and said that my ds is very upset and she did not think that my child should be left out due to a incident that happened months ago.

Ds came home today with birthday child's invitation, very very very happy (beaming infact)

Im fuming tbh, I now feel like a charity case, and feel that by going to the party with ds, I will be the laughing stock.

Im really thinking of just sending dh, as ds1 is now very very excited to go to the party.

AIBU, to be fuming at friend

OP posts:
WhoIsAsking · 10/02/2010 13:50

YABU

thedollshouse · 10/02/2010 13:50

Your friend should not have butted in but she did so with good intentions, I expect she was fuming on your behalf.

Don't feel like a charity case, I imagine the other mum realised how petty she was being when confronted by your friend.

Send your dh with ds if you don't feel comfortable seeing the other mum but please send him as your ds is obviously over the moon at being invited.

AKMD · 10/02/2010 13:53

I would feel like a charity case too BUT I would also be secretly grateful to my friend for resolving an awkward situation and making my DS happy.

Feelingsensitive · 10/02/2010 13:53

YABU. This about your son. Take him to the party and let him enjoy himself. Your friend did this with the best on intention. As for you being a laughing stock, I really dont think that would be the case. I think most people will think more of the mother for doing such a nasty thing in the first place.

Deep breath. Go to the party and smile through gritted teeth.

wishingchair · 10/02/2010 13:54

Think YAB a bit U. You're friend was trying to help. Let's be honest, what matters here are the two boys. Both were sad, now both are happy.

Either you go and pretend none of it happened and you breeze in and act normally, or you send DH but then risk looking petty. Would be annoying as the boy's mum was the petty one.

I'd bite bullet and smile and go.

minxofmancunia · 10/02/2010 13:55

YABU,Put it to one side for the sake of your ds.

The other Mum sounds pretty awful to do that, show you are the better one and rise above it by showing your face at the party.

sb6699 · 10/02/2010 13:55

What the dollshouse said. The other mum probably reaslised that what she had done was awful after she spoke to your friend and wanted to make things right.

Accept the invitation with good grace if only for the sake of your ds.

Booyhoo · 10/02/2010 13:55

well, i would be annoyed that friend took it upon herself to do that BUT i imagine it was your ds she was thinking of and how upset he was. so i wouldnt say anything to her except 'thank you'.

i would go to the party and not feel like a charity case. the mother of the birthday boy should have a bit of a red face though.

MaggieTaSeFuar · 10/02/2010 13:58

maybe the nursery teacher thought there was an invitation for every single child, and only realised too late that there was ONE missing.

my children's school refuse point blank to help with the distribution of invites, for good reason imo, although I didn't get it at first, especially as I was inviting all the girls and there was no scope for upset. but it's a very good blanket policy.

you can't make somebody invite your child, although I really feel for your son. I would ask the nursery in writing to review their policy with regard to distribution of invites, as i'm sure they'd hate to inadvertently be complicit with the deliberate exclusion of one child, right??

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 10/02/2010 14:01

Your poor DS. That must have been awful to bear.

But, bless your friend for actively sorting out this situation: what love and bravery she has shown. You shouldn't feel like a charity case but like the princess that St George saved from the dragon.

It's fine to be annoyed that the other mother left your son out originally - but I see you are not, but are quite accepting of that, good for you - but not to be annoyed that he has now been invited. Your friend has nipped a little situation in the bud and this will help your son so much in the long term.

So send your son, with a lovely card and gift, and, since you had a run in with the mother, maybe your husband not you. But maybe this is an opportunity to get things onto a nicer footing? Maybe not, I don't know.

In summary, YABVU to fume at friend who behaved so supportively. You should be giving her flowers!

MaggieTaSeFuar · 10/02/2010 14:01

oh your son is going now! absolutely send him. The children have to be kept separate from the petty shit.

Original poster
LittleMrsHappy · 10/02/2010 14:02

Ds will definitely be going to party, hes counting down the sleeps now

I know friends heart was in the right place, I have no idea why I am miffed about it, as both boys are delighted now.

Think I will take dh with me for moral support lol x

OP posts:
IndigoSky · 10/02/2010 14:02

YABU. Your friend was trying to make things better for your son.

Fume all you like but you'll just end up falling out with her too. She was doing what she thought was the right thing.

shockers · 10/02/2010 14:03

Your friend made the other mum feel like a git.... good for her!
I would be feeling funny about going too, but would see it as a hurdle I had to get over for normal service to be resumed.
You can invite the other child when yours has his party too.

islandofsodor · 10/02/2010 14:06

YABU, your friend was probably fuming on your behalf and wanted to make birthday mum see that she can't take squabbles out on little children.

Good for her and so pleased your little boy is getting to go to the party.

Original poster
LittleMrsHappy · 10/02/2010 14:09

MaggieTaSeFuar, we have a parents evening tonight at 4.50pm and I am raising my concerns with them, about the policy, not to have a blanket ban, but if ALL children are being invited to a party etc... to ask the parent if no one has been invited etc... so situations like this can be avoided, or even put the invitations in their trays etc..

I dont think the Nursery was at fault at all, they were not to know.

OP posts:
WingedVictory · 10/02/2010 14:10

What a nice friend. I'm a bit astonished this feels like "charity", as she saved you and the other mother a "confrontation" and got your DC invited when you seemed to accept the situation. I am not having a go at you for accepting a situation which was hurtful for your child, as it might not have worked for you to "confront" the other mother. Whereas your friend, who was not involved, mediated nicely, and now both of you mothers of the affected kids can make a new start.

Laurels for your friend.

Original poster
LittleMrsHappy · 10/02/2010 14:12

My friend does not know I am miffed at her, its the reason why I posted on here, to see if I am AIBU

OP posts:
coldtits · 10/02/2010 14:12

I think your friend made the birthday mum realise what a petty little shit she was being.

Morloth · 10/02/2010 14:15

Suck it up, it isn't about you your little boy is now happy - who the fuck cares who/how it got sorted out?

MavisG · 10/02/2010 14:15

I would go, take DH if you like, and take a gift (olive branch traditional, bottle of wine perhaps more appreciated!) for the boy's parents. Be the bigger person.

MavisG · 10/02/2010 14:17

Oh, and I'd thank my friend. For my son's sake.

KurriKurri · 10/02/2010 14:17

Well I understand why you are upset - the nasty mum wanted to hurt you and your DS, and friend has let her know she succeeded.

But friend was thinking about your DS's disappointment and acted with the best intentions.

I am that anyone would be that horrid to a little boy, but glad he is happy now

givecarrotsachance · 10/02/2010 14:18

Your friend sounds lovely. It's a rare friend who will risk getting involved in such things. I'm lucky to have friends like that and count my blessings.

Glad your son is now happy

MyMamaToldMe · 10/02/2010 14:19

I agree with Morloth - this isn't about your happiness.

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