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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend should have kept her mouth shut

63 replies

CradleSnatcher · 10/02/2010 13:18

My friend has a lovely neighbour how I have a bit of a secret crush on (see here), but I confided in her about it and she went and told him about it.

He has approached me and said that he feels the same and if I want we can do what all his friends are accusing us but just keep it secret.

I don't need this, I do actually really like this lad, but wouldn't have acted on it until he was at least 20... now this has come up it is really testing my boundries...

I just keep thinking we might as well if we keep getting accused of it...

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 10/02/2010 13:58

if only. but he's not so move on.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/02/2010 13:58

I will answer your last question though - if you have been poorly treated in the past one of the reasons you might be interested in him is because he is seen as 'safer' as he is just out of childhood. You may feel more in control because of this.

Therapy would be healthier than fucking him though so consider it.

mylifemykids · 10/02/2010 13:59

(assuming you AREN'T trolling)

Is the reason you've not wanted to get intimate because you've been in controlling relationships?? Do you think you've latched on to this 16 year old because he is younger and naive and YOU could therefore control HIM rather than risk it the other way around again?

mylifemykids · 10/02/2010 14:00

Sorry X posted with LFC!

pagwatch · 10/02/2010 14:04

do you intend to just keep posting the same issue again and again.

Or are you goingto do all sorts of updates...

.....my 16 year old freinds neighbour said he thinks I am fit

....my 16 year old almost boyfriend passed me a note after gym

....He said that he might be hanging out at deans house and playing x box and stuff

....we did it (!!!!) and it was so lovely >

.....My 16 year old ex boyfriend has chlymidia and said I am a skank

...I have just found wot he wrote about me on FB? How could he be so childish and ignerunt

I may take out a subscription. Oh hang on - I don't need to...

Original poster
CradleSnatcher · 10/02/2010 14:06

I think you are right, and I think I have been wondering this too, that I might see him as 'safe' because he is out of bounds...

I actually had a bit of an argument with my friend over this because she said it's fine because he is 'legal' and I said even so it is still immoral, so she brought up the example of her 30+ yo friend and her 16 yo lover to which I said I thought it was sick...

Maybe in 10 years he will still be single, then I might consider it, but until then I will just try to dig myself out of this hole.

I wish my friend hadn't had said anything, how annoying

OP posts:
pjmama · 10/02/2010 14:08

"why is it that when I could finally imagine being intimate with someone they are unavailable??"

You can imagine it with this boy precisely BECAUSE he's unavailable.

Perhaps you just need to take more time until you feel ready to have a relationship with a grown up again.

Original poster
CradleSnatcher · 10/02/2010 14:08

Sorry Pagwatch, that did make me lol.

It's just so fucking ridiculous...

OP posts:
Morloth · 10/02/2010 14:10

This is really very simple are you listening? Grown ups shouldn't be in relationships or have sex with children.

That's it, no ifs, no buts, no maybes, no extenuating circumstances, no "he is sweet and grown up". When he is 18 then you can ask him out, but for now he is a child.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/02/2010 14:11

I think you need to consider therapy, as well. Because what may happen to you is you fixate on teenagers because of your past issues, which you might just be able to get away with in your early 20s, but imagine you are 40 and still only excited by 16 year old boys? Mrs Robinson jokes aside, that would probably be pretty unhealthy, wouldn't it?

Flightattendant · 10/02/2010 14:16

Hang on,

am I missing something...OP is 23? And the lad she likes is 16?

Surely this isn't illegal or that big a gap. I'm not sure what the fuss is about unless it is the kind of posting etc, have not seen other threads.

Fwiw when I was about 32 I fancied a 21yo bloke who worked in a shop, he was always flirting badly with me - then I gave him my number, I think - it did feel a bit stupid tbh, and his ex girlfriend sent me a really nasty text saying 'f off and find someone your own age' or something...she was a bit odd though. And I was concerned that he fancied someone so old!!!

It's a bit eww when you're 32 and they are 21, accepted! but 23 and 16?

Flightattendant · 10/02/2010 14:17

Or is 16 now underage? Blimey I am out of date.

PorphyrophillicPixie · 10/02/2010 14:17

I'm 20. I think it would be disgusting for me to fancy a 16yo. Sure, appreciate his good looks in a non-pervy way, but draw the line the second it gets close to the pervy-ness!

Though saying that, he's legally of age as are you, why are you bothering to ask for opinions via MN when you know that you are perfectly within your rights to fuck him?

Flightattendant · 10/02/2010 14:19

I know a very happy couple in their late 50s and early 60s I think, she is 8 years older than he is...it happens with women being much younger all the time. I was imagining OP in her 30s or something.

Morloth · 10/02/2010 14:20

I think 32 and 21 is fine because everyone involved is an adult. Not something I personally would be interested in as a 32 year old (given the 21 year old boys I know), but it doesn't have the ick factor.

ChickensLoveMarmite · 10/02/2010 14:21

I think a seven year age gap, if both parties are over 18, is no one elses's business. However, a 16 year old boy?! Bleurgh.

Flightattendant · 10/02/2010 14:22

Ok I see.

You're right, it wasn't that I was interested in that way so much as flattered, it was quite exciting that anyone fancied me as a rather desperate single mother! But every time we spoke it was tempered by that 'You are just out of short trousers, aren't you pet?' feeling...I didn't ever visualise anything, erm, happening. ew.

But nice to be fancied at all, I suppose.

pagwatch · 10/02/2010 14:24

I am 7 years older than DH. I also have a 16 year old son.

A woman of 23 persuing a child of 16 is eeuuk.

I met DH when he was 19 and had huge reservations. Had he been 16 I wouldn't have even entertained the notion.

When I was 15 and 16 I was persued by 23 and 24 year old men ( and a couple in their 30's. They were all pretty slimey and looking back there was a reason why they did not persue their peers. This is the same

Floopy21 · 10/02/2010 14:36

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1249727/Teacher-Anne-Poli-Page-stripped-schoolboy-faces-jail.html

Are you her?

NOTE: She got time for 'grooming' & had to sign the sex offenders register...something to think about maybe?

ChickensLoveMarmite · 10/02/2010 14:39

I have to say, as a mother of boys, that if a 23 year old woman was in any way involved with my 16 year old son, she would most definately find herself warned off.

Original poster
CradleSnatcher · 10/02/2010 14:40

He was 15 and she was his teacher...

This lad is 17 soon, is in college, very mature for his age

And like I said on the last thread I wouldn't do anything.

I suppose I am just coming on here as an outlet so I don't do anything IRL...

OP posts:
Morloth · 10/02/2010 14:45

You shouldn't need an outlet to not do anything.

Hullygully · 10/02/2010 14:45

This sort of thing makes me very perplexed.

I hereby give you permission to have sex with him and get it out of your system. It probably won't be much good though.

pagwatch · 10/02/2010 14:48

[sigh] my son is 17 soon and very mature for his age. It is still not ok for a presumeably soon to be 24 year old to persue him.

Actually, if it helps, he and his other sensible 16 year old friends would view a 23 year old coming on to them as
a) deeply sad
b) the oppertunity for some educational shagging without fear of emotional entangelment or
c) which is a) and b)

It is not a good idea for him or you.

And coming on here and talking about it endlessly is not stopping you doing anything in real life. It is encouraging you to think about nothing else. It is becoming self fulfilling.
Go and find something to do that does not involvethinking or talking about this.

Hullygully · 10/02/2010 14:51

Oh, do you think?

I behaved deeply inappropriately at almost every age and did indeed find it all educational. And have had partners of wildly differing ages. I don't think any of it matters all that much.