read the email tell me if i am wrong pleae

[justsue]

Hi all,

After a very manic night I want to say my piece and maybe share some of the conversation's that I have had tonight!

Firstly, the email that Jackie sent earlier I agreed with 100%, dad needs some sort of comfort to live in. (Rather like eating food every day)!!!

Secondly: In hindsight Jackie mentioning the 5k was actually to help ME!!! maybe she should not of said it, but she has, get over it (could that be that it was out of sisterly love, ok not love lol), and do you truly believe (or rather you Julie) that she would not of consulted dad) I dont think so (in fact how that entered your head is mind blowing), and if you were thinking rationally right now you would think that to.

Bed: Why should a 80 year old man be made to sleep in a cheap and nasty bed for £99.00

Answer: Well he has been sleeping on the settee for years what makes the difference!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (yeah mum did that did her the world of good I dont think)

Reply: Cos he is 80 and has dimentia and he is entitled to sleep in a comfortable bed!!

I dont want to get stupid text messages, they are not going to solve anything, throw any accusation that you like, water of a ducks back as far as I am concerned.

To be accused of going after his money, (cheap shot as far as I am concerned), well lets face It I knew that one was coming, didnt expect it quite so soon but there you go. ( I have walked the floor many a night and you know it).

I now have come to a desicion and this is what I am going to do:

I will go and see Dad a couple of times a week, take him food etc, I am no longer willing to take on the responsiblity of his sole carer and take him food shopping etc. Maybe you can fit that into your busy life Julie and like you have said, leave you to sort his finances, housing etc and good luck with that... Thats what you want and now you have it. Hopefully he wont leave it to the cats home, now that would be funny !!!! Oh yeah throwing the accusation right back at you

A couple of text messages I have received tonight read:

YOUR RIGHT I AM IN CONTROL OF THE FINANCES, THE ESTATE AGENTS, THE SOLICITORS AND NOW THE HOUSING AND YOU AND JACKIE SECRETLY RESENT THAT, SHAME YOU DIDNT GET OF YOUR ARSES A BIT QUICKER I WAS THE ONLY THAT DEALT WITH IT AT THE TIME AND NOW U DONT LIKE IT

WHY DONT U FUCKING STOP SHIT STIRRING (where did that come from)

(to which I replied I am only repeating what has been discussed ABOUT DAD)

Your losing control go to bed!

AT LEAST I SAW HIM IN THE LAST FIFTEEN YEARS NOW U FUCK OFF AND GO TO BED

charming: didnt even bother to reply to that one!!!

We are all guilty of not looking after him properly but lets face it we are all guilty of doing that to mum as well, what wonderful siblings we are, sorry harsh but true and now surely now this is about looking after a 80 year old man with dimentia and putting everything else aside.

LET HIM LIVE IN COMFORT FOR GODS SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me get things clear in all your heads. I am not trying to look after him for MONEY I think we have a moral right to look after him. I would do that for any old person and in fact I do already.

So whoever wants to put Dad in CAPEL HOUSE ALL I CAN SAY IS DONT JUST DUMP HIM THERE THE FIRST NIGHT MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD STAY WITH HIM, THATS WHAT ME AND JACKIE WERE GOING TO DO, IN FACT WE JOKINGLY ARGUED THAT SHE SHOULD HAVE THE CHAIR BECAUSE SHE WAS THE SMALLEST BUT WITH THE FATTEST BACKSIDE!!!!! (you said it Jackie )

Sue

xx

this was email to my sister by the way x

?
Erm think you need to give a bit of background there. It's not clear to me who is who, but then I am tired.

Will read again tomorrow.

Hope you're ok though.

Families eh? Try and sleep on it.

Sorry, I am a bit confused, is there a previous thread with history?

I have no idea.

What?

i think its s shit way to communicate
e-mails and texts are the work of the devil if one really wants to communicate.

whilst writing things down may help you edit/rewrite/get your thoughts straight/be cathartic, if you want to truly solve anything then all your siblings need to sit round a table.

there should be structure so you need to get a list of things that need doing for dad and ask them who is going to take on what responsability, as you would like the load to be shared euqally.

Tortoise we are...

OK everyone, it is a bit confusing, but there's no need to be nasty.

Justsue - it sounds like a nightmare. It's really hard to make any constructive comments without knowing a lot more and to be honest, even then, no-one can really say what you should do.

I hope you sleep on it before sending it, re-read it in the morning and maybe rewrite some of it.

However, mainly you need to think about your Dad and doing what is right for him.

Do any of you have Power of Attorney for him?

I'm sorry you are going through all of this - sometimes life really is crap!!

I think I may have read your other thread - difficult family situation before this and now you think your sister or sisters are neglecting or harming your elderly father?
I think someone on there advised you to get in touch with a family mediation service and it sounds even more as though you can't sort this situation out by yourselves.

i'm pretty sure there is a previous thread about this - something to do with one sister wanting to sell the Dad's house out from under him and the OP apparently hasn't had much to do with the Dad until recently.

Didn't make a whole lot of sense then either, tbh.

Agree with Custardo.

Emails and texts are the lowest form of communication.

Sit together and talk for heavens sake. You sound as bad as one another!

JustSue, you sound very upset. Have I got the right end of the stick when I say you're having problems with your sister? Is there any way you could both move on from the past and the arguments about who has done what and work together for the sake of your dad?
I hope you feel better this morning.

Hi all thank you for your replies, I am sorry If I have confused you, and If I have pissed people of then sorry. Yes this is a thread about one I posted some time last week and the situation has moved on.

My dad has been diagnosed with Senile Dimentia and my sister is basically selling the house. The reason's she is doing this are a) he has been ripped by a younger (29) year old woman for thousands of pounds and b)he obviously has not been looking after himself.

Last night It all came to a head with phone calls flying around as well as abusive emails from one sibling to another. No one could agree the best way to go forward. There were some very personal attacks going on myself included I suppose but by twelve am last night I had enough!

I did not get on with my dad for a long long time, went into care at 15, he beat my mum etc and eventually she died of malnutrition believe it or not thats the truth!

In saying that he is now a very old confused man who needs help. No I am not in it for the money before anyone accuses me of it.

I contacted SS and they agreed to come out for a home visit to assess his situation which is fine.

Today! we have had a visit from Sheltered housing and it looks like he can go into a flat with warden control which is very near my brother and sister. So part of the problem maybe solved, we now have the siblings arguing problems and the fact that the youngest sibling controls everything and her reason is "you have not been around for 15 years what do you care" as in email.

Well actualy if a old lady across the street needed help I would help her as well

We are going through a really rough time at the moment and really not up to abuse so lay of me please if you have not anything nice to say dont say anything would really appreciate that

you sound stressed out, poor thing. What you all need is a neutral party to help you all work this out.

Sorry cant offer any help, but i just wanted to send a virtual hug

sounds like a horrid situation, after what had been a difficult time for all of you. at least there is some light at the end of the tunnel with him going into sheltered housing - it was the best thing that ever happened to myu DH's gran. we all just relaxed a bit knowing someone else was there to help her should she need it.

stay strong and keep your chin up.xxxxx

I'm not having a go here, but your Dad is going into sheltered accomodation, your sister is dealing with selling his house and you are bringing extra food for him.

What is your sister doing wrong? She is sorting the house, the finances and all the big stuff, have you offered to help or just gone in there and told her she's doing it wrong? He's obviously not in a state to do it himself so someone needs to sell the house - what is she doing that is so wrong?

justsue, nobody is being abusive, I think people have tried to show understanding despite your very confusing op.

It sounds really tough.

You had your own reasons to staying away for 15 years. The situation has changed, your father is a sick old man, and what matters is that you want to be here for him now.
Any accusation from siblings that another sibling is in it for the money, sort of make me think that the person making this accusation has too much concern for the money him/herself.

You should see a solicitor. I dont think your sister can sell his house without his consent. You may have to arrange for power of attorney to do this, if he has a dementia diagnosis.

Sorry you are going through this. I have my own quite similar battle with my own parents at the moment.

justsue, it sounds like a nightmare. You have my sympathy. I haven't seen your thread from last week.

It sounds as though some progress has been made today and at least your dad will be cared for. It is lovely of you to care so much for him particularly when you have been through what you have.

How come your younger sister is in charge? Are you on speaking terms with your df now? Is he able to manage his own affairs at all or has your sister been granted power of attorney or has just assumed responsibility?

Lucky: My sister is in complete control and will not even listen to the point of, he needs new furniture, he needs plates cups etc, he needs a BED... She wants him to sleep on the sofa!. Yes she is sorting the house but will not let us help. Surely at his age he should have a few home comforts?

I went there yesterday and had to bring home almost every piece of clothing to wash as it was so dirty. (It was no problem by the way).

Quintessential12belowZero: Your right I had a lot of reasons to stay away and your right again where the situation has changed, my mum would turn in her grave if she knew what was happening right now.

Typical conversation tonight she has now given me a budget of £700.00 to buy him, bed, two armchairs (the ones she wanted him to take are thick with mould), wardrobe, chest of drawers. I could not find two chairs for a rough price of £100.00 each, her response was "well buy second hand, or get the others covered". They are thick with mould ffs...

This is a man that with the money he has should be able to live a comfortable life but she stops us in every direction!

The solictors involved in selling the house etc only have her instructions and no one is about to cross her.

Oh, it is awful when this stage comes - and so very often it does tear families down the middle. It must be a very difficult time for you, have been there and its not pleasant.

In all honesty, be relieved that your sister has done all the practical stuff, its one more headache you don't have to worry about. I know it seems like she is rail roading but some people just do that. I am an only child so whilst all the responsibility was on me, i also didnt have to put up with the sort of bullshit that goes one when siblings are involved.

At some point, your father may have to go into a care home, the money from the sale of the house will have to be used to fincance this, unless your sister can get it sorted and sold before this happens - at least that way some of the proceeds will go back to the family.

Such a difficult situation - do you know what i think you should do - switch your phone off and don't bother to read the emails and certainly dont send any back. Its just the worst thing arguing online - things are misconstrued and you end up brooding over a comment that made face to face with the benefit of expression would be water off a ducks back.

Might be a good idea for you and your sister to meet up on neutral ground, with a neutral person involved just so everyone knows what is going on.

Your family history sounds very sad - I am so sorry to hear about your mum. You sound like you have been able to let go of the past and move on enough to ensure your father gets adequate care - i applaud you for that.

LEMprefersdogstocats: Thank you so very much for your kind words, The past will always be with me sad to say but true like so many thousands of others in life.

My sister is doing all the practical stuff but just wont listen to reality I am afraid but you are right I will not open anymore emails tonight and to be honest have ignored the last four text messages that have come through.

The sad part is now she has moved away from having a go at me to having a go at our other sister, hey at least I get some respite

I am mentally exhausted by the day but it is good to get a "outsiders" point of view.

Thank you

Do you know, i think you should buy second hand furniture with the money - your dad should have a decent sofa and chairs, especially if he is going to sleep on the sofa - You will be able to buy something really robust and decent if you buy secondhand, you would be amazed at some of the bargains you come across.

The sofa thing - you know, my mother has slept on the sofa for, well, forever - its a nightmare - but she has always done it and thats where she sleeps - she has a perfectly servicable king size bed and brand new mattress - Im going to ask her for it because ours is knackered and i know she will never sleep on it.

you will be able to buy much nicer stuff if you go for second hand