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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to assume that a comment dh made during a conversation was related to the conversation?

28 replies

issysmilkbottle · 09/02/2010 23:34

I just said to dh that I was tired and was off to bed (it is past 11 and I have a 11 week old dd). He said it wasn't late and I said it was for me especially as dd has been Bf a lot today and took ages to go down tonight. He then said that he'd read an article today saying marriages breakdown when partners concentrate too much on the kids... Wtf????

I asked him what he meant by that, he said nothing... That it was random bit it seems so obviously not.....he had also just asked when were we going to nake love... I'm too shattered ffs!

Aibu to think he was having a dig?

Also, he s decided to sleep on sofa rather than wear a snore strip thing i bought... Tbh i dont care about him being on sofa as he's had a few cans tonight and fancy the bed to myself again....

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/02/2010 00:18

issy - so he won't try the strips

He is having a dig, for sure. Any man who wants his knackered wife to stay awake and shag him instead of getting some sleep when they have an 11 week old is a total prat.

I have just outlined your situation to DH - he shook his head in disgust at your H's behaviour.

hobbgoblin · 10/02/2010 00:22

Tell him that marriages breakdown when one parent has to keep focussing on the kids but it is less likely when both do!

I do think he was having a dig and I do think that it is important to prioritise the marriage some of the time but that is only possible when the individuals prioritise each other.

ScreaminEagle · 10/02/2010 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 10/02/2010 00:26

hear hear

tell him to go forth and fuck right off

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 10/02/2010 00:28

What would he like you to do, ignore your newborn and concentrate more on him instead?

Vallhala · 10/02/2010 01:00

It seems that some men are almost jealous of the time and attention their OHs spend on their newborns. My ex now admits that he was envious of our baby and that this was a large part of the reason for our rows and the breakdown of our marriage.

I think that you need a heart to heart with your DH to explain to him exactly how knackered you are and how much you love both him and your babe but that she needs you more than he does. Maybe point him to some info on b/f mums and the effect it has on their resources? (I don't know as I didn't b/f tbh).

I'm not saying that he's not a prat and that you're not right to be cross and upset but all I can say is that I know from experience how easily this sort of behaviour from a husband can get out of hand, to the detriment of a marriage and a family. If only I'd had the wisdom of MN all those years ago things may have turned out differently for me.

Perhaps get your DH (even more) involved with your DD, let him take over more responsibility for "your" chores, both to make him realise what its like and to give you a break?

SolidGoldBrass · 10/02/2010 01:08

How much would the rest of MN like to bet on the chances that this OP's H does FUCK ALL in the way of housework and childcare, but expects sex?
Issy: Sorry if that sounds like I am taking the micky out of your situation, I am not. It's very, very, very common for marriages to go a bit wonky when the first baby arrives, but this is often because the man is a selfish arse, and always was, but it only shows up when the baby arrives and the woman is no longer prepared to indulge the man's every whim and accept that he is the most important thing in the world (too many women, unfortunately, spend a long time not noticing that they are in a relationship with a man who thinks he is more important than they are).
To be fair, of course, a lot of couples struggle when there's a newborn, especilly a first newborn, because not much prepares you for the panic and exhaustion of early parenthood, and even happy equal couples get rattty with each other.
Tell your H that men who do their fair share round the house get more and better sex than men who don't. End of.

Original poster
issysmilkbottle · 10/02/2010 06:49

thanks everyone, i didnt think i was reading too much into it but when you're knackered you can never be too sure...

little dd isnt our only child but first together... I have a 10 year old ds who lives with us and dh does stuff with him, dh has a dd who will be 15 next month, she stays occasionally. he admits he wasnt as hands on with her as he'd like tohave been, worked away when little and split frim her mum when she was 18 months...

Dh does a reasonable amount with dd, not feedng or settling for night but nappy chanfes, playing etc and unfortunately the only housework he does is hoover and perhaps cook once a month... He admits he's a bit selfish and it bugs me that he stays in bed until 12 when he's working a late shift (2-9;30) or on a day off and yet i never get a lie in (he thinks that he's giving me a lie in by getting up at ten or eleven and telling me to go back to bed for an hour when i've been up with ds and dd since half seven!)

OP posts:
Original poster
issysmilkbottle · 10/02/2010 06:58

he also agreed that dd comes first when i suggested that what he was hinting at was that i should ignore her for him.... Perhaps it was more the beer talking.... We'll see how he is today...

OP posts:
lindy100 · 10/02/2010 08:13

A bit selfish...

He is BVU.

Can you have a 'swap roles for the day' where he does everything (except bf!) for your dd. Then he wouls see what it is like for you. Obviously on this day you would do exactly what he does.

Would he do it? If not, would it be effective to point out that he might not want to do it cos it is too much hard work?

lindy100 · 10/02/2010 08:15

Oh, and I have a 6 month old and regularly go to bed at 8pm

I tell DH to suck it up, and he does. Though it may be difficult to conceive number 2 at this rate...

Chillohippi · 10/02/2010 08:21

Gently remind him how he said he wasn't as hands on with his first child as he would have like to be and then hand him DD and you go out

GhoulsAreLoud · 10/02/2010 08:26

What a lazy arse.

I used to work 2-10 shifts. I got up in the morning! No need to lie in bed until 12. How old is he? 15?

GhoulsAreLoud · 10/02/2010 08:26

(oh and I worked shifts in my pre-dc, heavy socialising days and still got up in the morning!)

chandellina · 10/02/2010 08:31

i can understand why you are annoyed but there's been a big change in both of your lives and you are both still adjusting. Everyone has their bad and selfish moments, so I'd let it slide. And it's not unreasonable for him to want to resume relations, IMO, if you haven't yet.

I also think it's really important to see yourselves on the same side in the "challenge" of raising a little one, or things really can break down.

chandellina · 10/02/2010 08:33

oh, but looking at your second message - he really needs to give you a lie-in on his days off, at least one of the days. That is non-negotiable.

Hullygully · 10/02/2010 08:40

What a tosser.

thesecondcoming · 10/02/2010 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/02/2010 09:36

FFS your newborn is 11 weeks and he's whining about not getting enough sex? And lying in bed half the time? NO wonder you don't feel remotely horny, your body is still recovering from the birth and you;re shattered.
Why did his relationship with his older DD's mum go wrong? Ever found out? Could it have been that he had a baby with her, lazed around all the time then decided she was 'selfish' because she wouldn't suck his dick and therefore he dumped her?

shockers · 10/02/2010 09:43

My first marriage broke down because my exH used to call me a "fucking nutter" when I was suffering with PND. I did focus a lot on my gorgeous, non-abusive but tiring son though so it was probably my fault

Original poster
issysmilkbottle · 10/02/2010 09:58

the 'relations' bit is funny really as i have a much higher sex drive and i am usually the one who us trying to initiate things and usually get my wicked way approx once a week but last week or so i've been shattered... The comment i made about being glad he slept on sofa is because he snores like a wart hog and tends to keep me awake and wake up dd hence the snore strips...

He acknowkdges things have to change v soon as i start back full time on my phd 1st april... but we'll see how well that happens...

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 10/02/2010 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClaireyFairy82 · 10/02/2010 12:20

I go to bed at 8 every night! My Dh looks after our 5 week old ds from 7 till midnight and gives him a bottle of expressed bmilk so that I can get a bath and a few hours kip. If he didn't help me out like this I would be a jibbering wreck. I'm more likely to want to have sex with my husband if he's caring enough to allow me to have time to be myself and chill out.

Sounds like your H needs to get over himself.

Littlestlass · 10/02/2010 13:06

You're so not BU. I'm amazed he's being so selfish TBH.

My DP looks after DD during the night on a regular basis - the other night he did everything including delivering her to me so I could feed her (to be fair to him I think he'd have done that bit as well if he could lactate ).

He works in an office of exclusively middle aged women who seem to think I'm evil for expecting that he would get up and change nappies in the night every now and again. After I thanked him for doing something last night he said that to do things like that for his DD was his "definition of what a father is" - can't imagine having anyone be as selfish as your DP was at that moment in my life.

And seriously not BU about the sex - DD is six weeks and to be fair I can't see me ever having sex again!!

Littlestlass · 10/02/2010 13:07

Oh and bed time is normally about 9.30 for both of us - thank god for iPlayer or we'd never see any decent TV!

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