Is my mil being difficult or am I misreading her?,

[howrulottie]

We have been very busy recently with family gatherings every weekend of this month,so have said to pil ring before you come over please and we are available blah blah they then said to me its not enough time to see the grandkids on the days I said ,since then Ive seen her and she said dont worry we will see your kids when your at work ,im beginning to think she is being difficult and has a gripe with me.
Thing is we have always got on but I have recentley had to put my foot down becuase she wants to come over when the kids are just having a bath and Im getting them ready for bed and she tells me and does not ask please help as its really peeing me off.

Wonka
We were just talking about this tonight. My family (Irish) drop in any time they please. The door will open and someone will shout 'are you in?'
They take us as they find us and always are welcome to sit down to a nice cuppa and cake.

Inlaws (English )however have very very rarely paid a visit-this is over 25+ years ! They will not come without an invite and I aint inviting anyone for a cuppa...

I would have loved the PIL to have had more to do with my DCs when they were growing up but it was not to be. Happily though they also left us alone to get on with it. I have family and friends enough to support me.

What am I saying? Dunno - maybe just make your family unit whatever you want it to be -as big or small as you wish. You set the rules and alter them as you please.

YANBU...your house, your rules.

Is it possible to have a regularly scheduled visit time between grandparents and grandchildren? Something like the second and fourth Sunday afternoon of every month (or some such)? If the ILs balk at the very idea, you'll know that they're just being difficult and controlling (and you take it from there).

I'm with cat64. we need to know a bit more before we can judge.

Who looks after the OP's children while she is at work? If it is the partner, then I am a bit concerned about the phrase "she sneaks over while I'm at work".

It's a sad world when a woman has to "sneak" over to her own son's home.

There's a little bit too much of me and my. What happened to ours?

AmericanHag, I think you have misunderstood the thread. These children are not in prison where visiting rights are strictly regimented. What if the GC requests a visit from or to Gandma? Is the answer "Sorry sweetheart, it"s not the second or fourth Sunday of the month at exactly 3.12 pm.

On the other hand I was on the way home from work yesterday and had clothes in the car I had purchased for the gandchildren. It was 6 o'clock and DD's DH doesn't arrive home work until about 7.30.

I know that 6.30 is bath time and pyjamas and settling down. Two littlies aleady in bed asleep by this time most nights. Older two reading books etc.

There is no way I would ring the door bell,disrupt the routine, hype the children up and then leave. As much as I would dearly have loved to see them and give them a kiss and a cuddle.

I knew DD ws looking forward to receiving the clothes, so I phoned her mobile told her that I had stopped the car, sneaked up the path and put the parcel on the doorstep.

When I got home, I had just down to my own dinner when the phone rang. My immediate thought was "Shit! I bet that's mum. I'm sure she has a TV that can see into my home that tells her the minute I arrive home and sit down for a meal.

I guess that's what we call the circle of life

Why can't so many parents (mothers in particular) see that they don't OWN their children, that MILS are part of the family and the children have a RIGHT to see their grandparents.

We seem to have turned into such a selfish society it now even extends to OWNERSHIP of our kids. This comment takes the biscuit:

"Of course grandparents are a blessing, but also the op has a family and a life and needs time alone with that family, people cannot come round as they please and boundaries need to be set"

No-one is talking about stopping children seeing grandparents Pheebe, you're being melodramatic.
I wouldn't want people dropping in on me all the time.
Coming home looking forward to relaxing and finding a car full of visitors parked outside the door gagging to fuss over my kids would really annoy me.

Some grandparents are a blessing, some are a PITA, grandparents are people after all, not saintly angels.

Luckily my kids grandparents worked when they were young and lived some distance away so popping over was out of the question.
If they had lived nearer I would have wanted people to discuss a convenient time for visiting, same as before I had children. I'm not a popper-inner.

I'm not a zoo keeper where people come and pet my kids and fuss over them like performing bears whenever they think it's opening time. This is my home. I like to have some privacy and to relax when I'm not working.

No-one here wants to stop relatives visiting kids, just make it at a time when it's mutually convenient.

I've had a brilliant idea. When Christmas comes, make the Grandparents some tickets - say 24 - that they can use for visits during the year. Each ticket would represent an hour's visit. They could use one a fortnight, or they could maybe save up a few so that they can stay 2 hours at birthdays and Christmas. You could put times and days of the week on them too - so that they don't get too many evenings or Sundays. That way they will have to think whether they REALLY want to see their grandchildren and make proper arrangements- they wouldn't want to waste a voucher on popping in on a whim. The voucher is used by ringing the doorbell - even if everyone's out or asleep.

Maybe Cath Kitson will take up the idea and print lovely retro flowery ones.......

I must admit though that you resenting your inlaws visiting when you are at work seems unreasonable as that doesn't affect you at all.
If I was working and my husband looking after the kids it would be completely up to him where he took the kids and who they saw.

Not all grandparents are a blessing.

Irrespective of whether you are talking about maternal or paternal ones. You only have to look at some of the threads on here about grown-up children who refuse to have a relationship with their parents to see that.

Shared DNA does not a nice person and a valid loving relationship make. Shared DNA is just a chain of randomised chemicals.

I would no sooner expect my mother to turn up at a newborn's bedtime than I would a friend or neighbour, or indeed MIL.

I only once a week they have them once a month,apart from babysitting etc,I dont resent this at all and yes its up to them what they do Im very grateful for them helping out however Im not allowed anyone else to look after our kids so no strangers is what they say, they will have them, god forbid if I ask anyone else my life would be made a misery.

I dont have a problem with them seeing our children at weekends , I stopped in the week becuase of routine and when I turn up they boss me around,take over and make me feel like a bad mum.

I dont like the way they ring up and say we are on our way over now at 6.00pm in the week becuase my children have a routine tea,bath,book and bed., and I have said sorry not convient first time I have ever put my foot down.

They ring every night between 6-8pm to see how the children are and see what they have eaten, where they been what they have been doing,who they have seen, its like they are checking up on my parental skills. Its hard Im usually sorting them out with their routine this time at night, now I ignore the phone.

My mil constenley moans about my sil and no doubt moans to her about me, it got to the stage when it felt like a competition, she will say we are going to sil for dinner like a dig to get a reaction, and I say thats nice or they did this.

As I have said before I have always tried to involve her as she has no daughters but if she doesnt get her own way she can be a moody.

Example
Day one turning up at the hospital whilst in labour, everyone his family all coming back to my house without asking me if its ok after I just had a baby.

Buying my ds his first birthday cake knowing I was going to, stupid you may think but meant a great deal to me.

She has a way of making others feel bad for coming over to see the kids, she gets very jealous of anyone being involved in them especially on social occasion, hence why Im clearing of to get married, she would plan everything.

There is so much more but its has got me down and I suffered from pnd along with all of her interfering, I have had enough and if you knew me I actually a really nice person and would do anything for anyone but I dont like to feel bullied.
I know she loves them and I would never let her not see them but they are our children and they have routines and bounderies and she needs to understand Im not being difficult but they need to keep to them more importanley in the week when school etc.

Sorry meant to read work one day a week,

Bump

Seeker what you saying is sarcastic and there is really ne need to be like that.
I came on hear to ask a question not to have people be unkind .
I only hope you never end up in my situation becuase you wont think its funny.

Mils can be very difficult and over bearing. I don't understand why some posters can't understand that.

I have a good relationship with my mil now but there have been times when she has been downright spiteful. I have had to set boundaries otherwise she would have made me mentally ill. As the years have gone on I think she realised the errors of her ways and although she can still try to interfere sometimes she is also supportive.

Ugly mug thankyou, you have put mostly in to words how I feel re my MIL.

I have 2 sons and hope Ive learnt/learning
how not to behave/talk to my future DIL's.

Some people are sensitive to other people's feelings/household arrangements. Others aren't. It really hasn't got anything to do with being a MIL. Or, for that matter, being too precious a DIL.

Having been brought up in England and Ireland, I prefer the drop in culture of across the water. But equally, that doesn't necessarily come with insensitivity and what happens at home is that people don't seem to expect quite the level of formal entertaining. Certainly, it is the height of rudeness not to offer tea and (at least) a biscuit but everyone is far more relaxed and nobody assumes that the host must dance total attendance on visitors. Anyone who isn't Irish might find this a totally confusing statement, mind.

But to get back to MILS. I'm not one although suspect I may (legally) achieve this status in a year or so. It doesn't occur to me to live in my childrens' houses or heads now though - any more than my MIL thought similarly. Which is why I'm expecting to carry on as before. So I'm sad when younger women feel that they need to take their behavioural cues (for a situation that may never arise!) right here, right now. If and when the time comes, use common sense and base things around the individuals you may be dealing with. Equally, I'm sad to see MILs getting so defensive since you aren't judging some sort of "When Grandmas Go Bad" competition.

Anyone who feels swamped by the visiting style of relatives needs to be firm but polite. Don't start with negativity, offer up alternatives and don't get all silly and defensive. That just brings thing down to playground level which is never the best starting point for sensible negotiation.

Sorry cat64 I should of explained but glad you understand thank you.

I pop in to see my grandchildren whenever I want we don't make appointments in our family ..if the kids were being bathed or whatever I would pitch in and help or sit and chat ..same with my house, people pop in whenever they like ..I like people nipping in,if I'm busy they make the tea

Live a long way from my parents and my in laws are not able to help. Have no family support and would frankly love a bit of help even if I had to bite my lip occasionally.Am confident enough to ignore criticism implied or otherwise and more than capable of opening a bottle of wine if too frustrated! If they love the kids and the kids love them then what is the problem. Obviously don't let people walk over you but sounds to me like they want to help. Crikey there are surely more important things in life than an interrupted bath or grandparents being excited about a new baby. Stop being so precious. (feel free to shoot me down for unsupportive bluntness I'm a bit too busy to care and have bribed my DD to play with her little bro to get ten minutes to myself..would love an interfering mil to pop over and help!)

If my MIL rings I pass her onto DH ASAP. Why don't you do the same, just say "I'm busy I'll get x" and let him deal with daily phonecalls. I don't phone my dad daily and dislike phones so would refuse to talk to her daily and make DH answer the phone if it was a daily thing or ignore the phone if he wasn't home.
It sounds like you need to get your husband on side. You need to convince him his parents are OTT. I doubt they are deliberately running down your parenting but they sound very intrusive and to be living proxy lives through your kids which isn't healthy.
No-one except their dad and I is involved in the discussion over who looks after our kids. If grandparents ever started trying to tell us who could babysit etc they'd be put firmly in their place.
Have a chat to your husband. They're obviously devoted and the babysitting etc can be useful, I never lived near enough for that.
If they don't calm down a bit you'll end up hating them though. DH needs to tell them to back off a bit for the sake of future harmony.

I'm glad that my posting might have helped, though I do wish I could write shorter postings - mine must seem like essays.

For what it's worth:

My MIL did at times become overbearing, but it was my DH who helped to deal with that. So successfully that as my PILs became more dependent on us, but didn't want to contemplate us all jointly buying a large enough house to accommodate us all, I was the one to urge buying the house next door to them when it came up for sale. I never regretted that.

My female parental entity, on the other hand, became more and more impossible to deal with. And, again, it was my DH who helped me deal with that and supported me in the eventual cutting off of all contact. I never regretted that, either.

It isn't so much the label, per se, it's the personality. And some personalities just can't change.

Uglymugly - you make some interesting points and I accept a lot of what you say, though I still think a point of view from a MIL (very rare on MN) is relevant. I did actually make a decision many many years ago when my mil was being interfering with me when I was a young mother, that I would never be like this when my turn came around and I have stuck to that resolve. SO maybe this will be the case for dils on here whenthgeir tunr comes around as well. However I think Cat64 has a really good point i.e. that posters don't come back about the issues raised by the OP but just talk about their mils and this does nothing to comment on the OP. I think this is true on other threads as well as MIL ones. Inevitably posters with a difficult r/ship with their mil will usually agree with the OP just on the basis that the complaint is about a MIL. I've seen comments like "of course she is being a bitch - she's your MIL" and many many more like that. They are always from posters who really dislike/hate their mils.

I do accept that some mils sound very unreasonable but it is a 2 way street you know. I have quite a few close women friends who are mils and GPs and I can assure you that i hear accounts of some very insensitive and unkind dils.

Thing is, I wouldn't have anyone just 'dropping in'. Not my own mum, not my friends not my family, so why in gods name would I put up with my MIL refusing to respect my views on that? I'd have no problem with her coming round once a fortnight to see the dc's (own mother comes 4 times a year), pre-arranged, but she took against me because I'm not the dropping in sort of person. Never have been, never will be. I think the difficulty with MIL's often arises because there can be such a variation in what one person will class as acceptable behaviour as compared to another. So while in one family, dropping in and chatting round the table may be the norm, in another it may be the norm to pre-arrange all visits. If the MIL doesn't respect the DIL's wishes on this, it can cause bad feeling.

I suppose, though, the same could be said for the DIL not respecting the MIL's views too though . IMO, it's the views of the person who's house it is, so if it's the DIL's house & dc's, then MIL has to respect that DIL isn't the same as them, and 1) doesn't want people dropping in unannounced and 2) will probably feel ignored and not worthy of the MIL's respect if MIL ignores her views.

Such a bloody mine-field, and I've got 2 DS's, so the possibility of 2 DIL's.