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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ignorant father / childs illness

26 replies

IanD · 09/02/2010 19:04

Hi

My girlfrind has a 3 year old the problem is this, there is a court order for the father to collect his daughter on a tuesday for an overnight stop every other week, unfortunately this week his daughter has an ear infection sore throat and a cold, we took her to the doctors last night and she was given calpol with nurofen, now the father demanded he take his daughter for her stop over telling my girlfriend he'd call the police if she didnt let him take her, my girlfriend gave into this as she is terified the courts will be heavy handed with her, what are the guidelines for this situation? the father isnt putting the childs health first at all, he was told he'd have the time with her made up when she was feeling better, any advice please?

Thank you..

OP posts:
GreatBallsOfFluff · 09/02/2010 19:07

I don't understand why the father can't look after his child when she's ill?

BooHooo · 09/02/2010 19:10

What a sad situation, presumably the little girls wants to be with her Mum when she is feeling so poorly.

Can't she explain that the child is best stopping at home and perhaps the father can visit there to have contact for a few hours as opposed to taking her overnight?

VenusInfers · 09/02/2010 19:11

I secondGBOF. Sounds like he was a bit heavy handed, but why does she think he wouldn't be able to cope with a child with a heavy cold?

GrumpyBlumkin · 09/02/2010 19:11

IanD is there more to this? Sounds a bit heavy to threaten the police if there isn't some history.

Personally I don't think YABU if your girlfriend's daughter wanted to be with her mum, which children often do when they are ill. Presumably he was willing to take time off work to look after her too?

mummygirl · 09/02/2010 19:11

err...hand the kid over with calpol and nurofen and dosage instructions...

It seems to me that your friend isn't putting The child's emotional health first at all.

What's the issue here?

mummygirl · 09/02/2010 19:12

unless of course the kid expressed the will to stay with mum

BooHooo · 09/02/2010 19:15

I disagree - it's not just a cold, ear infections are hugely painful and can make a child really clingy. I suspect there is some bad feeling here that the father can't agree for her to stay at home with her Mum until she is better.

wb · 09/02/2010 19:16

It's not really ideal but, on the other hand, if he never saw her when she had a minor childhood illness he'd probably not see her at all.

On the face of it I can't really see the problem - if both parents share custody then both should be responsible for the rough as well as the smooth.

mummygirl · 09/02/2010 19:23

there's got to be more to it, otherwise it's simply to be filed under "babies belong to women" BS.

sunburntats · 09/02/2010 19:32

I agree, it sounds like a bit of a cold, no reason why the child cant go for stay with the dad as he is a s capable as any one of giving calpol & nurofen.

Dont think its an issue at all tbh.

Original poster
IanD · 09/02/2010 19:52

the father never takes time off to look after her, there is history between the two of them which i dont want to go into, the daughter was very clingy and was in severe pain she wanted nobody to help her but her mother, i dont think handing her over to the father who then had to drive her 8 miles to his house would of helped her health at all, all the child wanted to do was get out of the doctors and get into mummys bed. I'm asking whether a court order means a court order whether a child is ill or not, thank you for all the replies this is a fantastic website full of knowledge.

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 09/02/2010 19:57

Poor little thing. I can totally understand why you are concerned - not a lot you can do this time but maybe see if your GF can come to some amicable arrangement for next time, If she was ill and unsettled when she was with him, hopefully he'll realise that it might not have been the best thing for her. being up all night with an ill, stressed out little girl may just have driven the message home Not sure that many court contact orders take account of variations in circumstances tbh but always worth your GF speaking to her solicitor to make arrangements for the future.

mummygirl · 09/02/2010 20:07

yeah but being up all night with an ill child is part of parenting. If the non-resident parent doesn't do any of the "hard" bits then they'll get blamed exactly for that.

It must be very difficult for a three year old who just wants to stay with mummy, but I think I have now changed my mind and I think that a child this young shouldn't be able to have control over this. Three year olds try to rule the roost under the best of circumstances anyway. I'm sure that (assuming dad is a decent parent always) she'll find just as much comfort in daddy's arms and this might actually help her realise that daddy is just as good as mummy in "making it all better"

Snowfun · 09/02/2010 20:08

I can simpathise with the mother simply because both my ds's get very clingy when poorly. Last weekend for instance my ds2 aged 2 had a feverish cold and became really cuddly and clingy. I had to literally carry him everywhere and he refused to go to dh when he came home from work (Friday and Saturday) sreaming want mummy mummy mummy! Never had to hand either of my dc over if poorly as fortunately dh and I are still together but I would have found it heartbreaking handing over a child in such a distressed state.

KwanYin · 09/02/2010 20:12

Why was a court order needed? What's the history there?

It's definitely not unreasonable to have wanted to keep her at home with mum - but he won't be viewing it like you are. He's quite possibly thinking that it's just an excuse to stop contact, especially if it's been necessary to get a court order to see his child. And it's not nice to be "told" when you are seeing your child, he's probably pissed off about that too.

BooHooo · 09/02/2010 20:26

Poor little thing - I am so sorry for her. She should have stayed with her Mummy - why couldn't he see that?

BooHooo · 09/02/2010 20:30

Visitation should be in the interests of the child and flexable to their needs- not to prove a point.

DarrellRivers · 09/02/2010 20:38

Why can't a father look after his daughter when she is ill?
Am puzzled TBH and amazed that people yet again think that a mother would be superior than a father in this situation
Both can look after a sick child surely

BooHooo · 09/02/2010 20:40

She is in pain and wants her Mum and to go to bed, it is very natural for a child to want to be in comfort when they are in pain and ill. It should be respected.

Snowfun · 09/02/2010 20:45

Yes both parents can both look after a sick child but if you have children that become extremely clingy and only want mummy when poorly is it in the childs best interest? I once left my 2 year old with my dh when poorly for just a few minutes and I literally had to extracate him from me he was clinging so much and screaming mummy mummy. Never done it since I raced to the shops and back it was heart breaking esp when dh said he'd cried almost all the time I'd gone!

KwanYin · 09/02/2010 20:56

I totally agree that there's no reason why a Dad shouldn't be as capable as a Mum of looking after their child when they're ill. But Ian did say she was clingy and wanting her mum.

I think mummygirl has made a good a point too.

pithyslicker · 09/02/2010 21:03

Well, what if this happened:

My ex turned up to pick our dd up for contact, she has a cold, he said I'm not looking after her, I'll have her when she is better.

Ideally it should be: Ex turned up for contact dd is ill so we agreed that as she prefers mummy when she is ill, that we could switch contact days.

But he should be able to look after her.

GrumpyBlumkin · 09/02/2010 21:14

Pithyslicker that's exactly what my ex-h would have done when he did have overnight contact! Any excuse to cancel and if there was a chance he'd have to look after a sick child during the day, then he'd run a mile (or drop children off at school ill then run away knowing they'd call me).

So maybe this little girl's dad is to be congratulated on the one hand for being there to care for her, but on the other hand he's being insensitive to a little one needing her mummy. Sounds like he's proving a point rather than genuine concern.

harimosmummy · 09/02/2010 21:23

Trouble is, when there is 'history', it's difficult for the NCP to know what the child is really saying / wanting and what has been planted by the custodial parent.

Sorry but it is.

At least her dad wants to be an active part of her life and is prepared to fight for her.

CardyMow · 10/02/2010 02:07

Between my 3 dc's and their fathers and my ex-fiance, i can probably just about see all sides of this. DD hasn't got a father who can be bothered to be ANY part of her life. DS1-me and his father have an agreement, that if DS1 is ill, I phone or text him in advance to let him know what's wrong and make the decision of whether he has him for the weekend or not. If it's a cough or cold, he usually goes, but a stomach bug is a no-no, as DS1's dad has a 6mo baby. Before the baby arrived, DS1 would have been packed off to his dad's with some calpol, but as it's not MY lo coming into contact with the germs, I leave the decision to his dad. DS2's dad would NEVER take DS2 when he is ill, as he is physically incapable of settling DS2 when he's ill & clingy. My ex-fiance's daughter was once dropped off to my house with a temperature of 40* and as her dad was at work and her mother refused to pick her up, I ended up at the hospital with her. And had her in bed with me through the night.

So, to sum up, I would have rung the father first and explained the situation, if the father was willing to have the child, I would have sent the DC with a bottle of calpol, given the father dosage instructions, and insisted the child go. As there's a court order.

OP, if your gf hadn't sent her dc to the father's house, she would have been in breach of court order, and could have faced quite serious consequences in front of a judge. The only option in that situation is to either call or text the father and leave the decision in HIS hands, as if the FATHER decides it's not in the dc's interest to be with him at that point, your gf isn't breaching the CO.

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