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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that I have only had one vcard congratulating me on the birth of my babies?

45 replies

Geepers · 09/02/2010 14:23

I know IANBU, but can't really understand why the only card I have received since my twins were born 11 days ago came from my daughter's nursery staff.

None of my family, friends, or neighbours have sent a card. They were born prematurely at 23 weeks and my DH thinks it's not a 'congratulations' moment, but while my other four children will have a whole pile of cards each to look through when they are old enough, my twins will have only one card between them.

AIBU to think that now they are nearly two weeks old we'd have got cards by now if they were being sent

OP posts:
thedollshouse · 09/02/2010 14:26

YANBU. I think that people are worried because they have been born so early, it isn't an excuse though, they should be more sensitive and put themselves in your shoes.

Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful babies.

dependsreally · 09/02/2010 14:26

Well congratulations from here!

I am trying to think why you won't have received any yet, and am sure you will in due course, but am wondering if it is because 23 weeks is so very early and they are worried about this?

Hopefully you will get a massive amount of cards soon. I am sure you will.

StealthPolarBear · 09/02/2010 14:28

I am sorry you haven't got any cards from friends & family, and congratulations of course but I would imagine it's people not knowing what to do rather than not caring. I assume you must have been very stressed and upset & they prob felt the same. Maybe now is a time to make a light hearted comment about it to whoever is most likely to spread the word.
Are they girls/boys? How are they doing?

itsallaboutpootle · 09/02/2010 14:29

Oh dear, thats sad, and you are not being unreasonable. Maybe people don't think you want cards because the twins are so prem? Have you, or could you, say anything to people? Or buy a lovely card and write a letter to the twins for when they are older, saying about them being prem and how happy you are to have them?

diddl · 09/02/2010 14:29

Perhaps people will send cards when you take your babies home?

Congrats, btw!

Pineapplechunks · 09/02/2010 14:29

Erm....I don't think I got any cards when my DD was born. People tend to buy a present and bring that when they come and see the baby for the first time.

Perhaps this will happen for you too when your babies come home. Maybe people are a little unsure what the etiquette is because they are prem.

Don't fret too much about it, I'm sure everyone is very pleased for you about having your babies.

Congratulations

WeddingDaze · 09/02/2010 14:29

Congratulations. x

I got hardly any cards for my third, it was like she didn't matter, whereas the others had piles!

probono · 09/02/2010 14:29

Yes, I know why. It's because they don't want to go CONGRATULATIONS! YAY! They don't know what to say or what to do. You shouldn't be hurt, they are at a loss and probably think they are being sensitive.

Get DP to put the word around. It doesn't matter that it's prompted. They want to, they really want to, but they feel they shouldn't.

Welcome to your babies. Welcome, welcome. welcome. Hope everything goes well from now on.

itsallaboutpootle · 09/02/2010 14:29

Congratulations by the way x

mjinhiding · 09/02/2010 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

paisleyleaf · 09/02/2010 14:32

I would think they're waiting until they meet the babies too.
Unless it's something like a collection at work, or someone who lives too far away, I've generally given gifts when I've visited.

nannynobnobs · 09/02/2010 14:33

Congrats on twins!
Maybe people are waiting until they get the 'all clear' as it were and leave hospital before they feel 'safe' in congratulating you. When my friend's wife had a baby at 23 weeks I saw the notice in the local paper (a week later) and congratulated him. He was surprised as most people had kind of held back on the usual 'new baby circus' as they didn't know how the baby's health was.
Said baby is now a sturdy five year old madam with a glorious shock of curly red hair like Sideshow Bob!
I agree, the cards will come.

Pheebe · 09/02/2010 14:33

Perhaps I can give some insight. My neice was born at 29 weeks, it was an emergency birth and a terrifying time as she was very poorly. We were all incredibly worried about her and really at a loss what to do. We all discussed it and no one sent cards or anything until she came home, then it was a complete deluge.

I'm sure you don't need telling 23 weeks is very early. Most likely everyone is worried about how they are and how they'll get on. Perhaps you could start sending round updates and photos about how well they are doing. Can they have any visitors apart for yourselves yet?

Congratulations on their birth

Sassybeast · 09/02/2010 14:41

23 weeks is so incredibly early - am sure people have meant no harm but have just been unsure of what to do. They are absolute little miracles though - how are they doing weight wise etc ?

ZuzuandZara · 09/02/2010 14:45

Congratulations on the birth of your twins, I also have 10 day old prem twins (33 weeks) in SCBU, what an emotional rollercoster eh?

A friend of a friend had a baby at 24 weeks several years ago, when I saw said new mum, first thing I said (obvious to me) was 'congratulations'. Baby must have been several days old by then, she said I was the first person to congratulate her. Child is also now big and thriving!

All the very best, I've no doubt you will be inundated with premmy baby clothes before you know it, and cards!

MadamDeathstare · 09/02/2010 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porcamiseria · 09/02/2010 14:47

I think its not lack of love, but people simply dont know that things are OK so dont want to put their foot in it. why not spread the news and send photos and let peop-le see them?

congrats xxxxx

Original poster
Geepers · 09/02/2010 16:03

Thanks everyone, you have made me all emotional and teary again, in a nice way. You are right of course, the cards and congratsulations will probably come when they are home and out of danger.

If you want to see their progress we have set up a blog here for friends and family to see

OP posts:
probono · 09/02/2010 16:07

oh Gawd bless the little squawkers!

like the blog, tis funny and sweet

elmofan · 09/02/2010 16:15

your new baby boys are beautiful , congratulations , your blog is fab i will keep your little ones in my prayers . sooooooo cute x

Bensmum76 · 09/02/2010 18:41

WOW just looked at your blog, and they are beautiful and so tiny! I hope things continue with their progress and will be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Please keep us updated xx

FoxForceFive · 09/02/2010 19:52

Agree with what the others have said about people not knowing what to do about cards.

Took a peep at your blog - must admit I wiped away a tear. Two of my babies were born in Poole

Wishing all of you lots of happiness and a wonderful future together.

QOD · 09/02/2010 19:59

wow congrats from me!

chegirlsgotheartburn · 09/02/2010 20:14

Congratulations on your lovely boys.

Of course you are not being UR.

But as the others have said, it down to your friends and family trying to do the right thing and not having a clue what that is.

Wishing you and your little yummies all the very best.

Galena · 09/02/2010 20:47

Congratulations on your little miracles.

My DD was born at 27 weeks last April. We were transferred before her birth to a hospital 75 miles away, so had no friends or family nearby. We had very few visitors, and very few cards. It was a very stressful time - particularly being on the post-natal ward, listening to visiting time and all the family and friends other people had, while I had neither visitors nor a baby next to me.

People didn't want to send cards and gifts in case it tempted fate, I think. However, I set up a photo website where people could watch her progress (it's here).

Gradually the cards started arriving as it became clear she was over the most critical time.

We did have lots of cards when she came home and the mantlepiece was full!