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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to mind my husband's needy female friend?

45 replies

MrsPeahen · 09/02/2010 11:29

I don't think he fancies her, at all. But before I came along, they were both single and he was a great escort for her.

She's made a joke in the past about providing mid-week sexual services when I wasn't there, and she wrote a "jokey" message to us when we got married, that she gave us 2 years.

Her life is a mess, she's sad and lonely, she's a funny, intelligent, interesting person and if she didn't cling to my husband so much, I'd like her a hell of a lot more, but she's made it plain that he is her friend, it's him she texts and calls, and I fit in as his wife.

I hate them texting, she doesn't work so she's constantly looking for company, and I know it flatters my husband that she needs him. It drives me up the **ing wall.

It's not that I don't like her - I just want her to back off and respect the fact he's now a married man, and things have changed.

Helpful advice, anyone? Thank you.

OP posts:

electra · 09/02/2010 11:31

YANBU - that would really get up my nose - she clearly has no respect, and 'many a true word spoken in jest'. Your DH needs to make sure he is not encouraging her.

minouminou · 09/02/2010 11:33

Get rid of her.
This is not meant as a criticism of you, as I think you're showing a lot of class by putting up with her, but I think you're bending over backwards to be gracious to someone who wants your life and your husband.
You really shouldn't like her - she's trouble.

mistlethrush · 09/02/2010 11:33

Does your dh know how you feel? I think that's a good starter - if he does, does he think that you are reasonable.

Otherwise I suggest that you start dropping not very subtle hints - such as 'when are you going to find yourself a man - then we can go out together as two couples' etc...

shockers · 09/02/2010 11:34

Start arranging lots of things to do with your mutual friends. Hopefully, she will find another singleton to hang out with when she realises that you are busy being a couple.

Sazisi · 09/02/2010 11:35

YANBU
She needs to back right off. I'm all for my DH having close female friends (it makes him a better DH) but she needs to see there are boundaries.
What does your DH think?
He needs to see your pov, it's his responsibility to sort this out.

ChippingIn · 09/02/2010 11:37

Ditto what minouimou said - I learnt the lesson the hard way - they are now married .. not many blokes can resist being a knight in white shining armour!

minouminou · 09/02/2010 11:41

Yeah...no point messing about here...she's got to go.
Even if nothing ever happens with your DH, she's going to be there like a vulture - FOR EVER...waiting for (and possibly causing) trouble in your marriage.
Thing is, though, your DH will have to do the getting rid of, but he'll have to do it gradually, so that she can't blame you.

KurriKurri · 09/02/2010 11:45

My DH has female friends, none of them would ever dream of making that kind of sexual remark. Its totally out of order.

She needs to back off and so does your DH, he's encouraging her.

electra · 09/02/2010 11:45

I agree you shouldn't like her - she's just biding her time.

Original poster

MrsPeahen · 09/02/2010 11:46

God, thanks everyone. I have really tried with her, and it's not that I don't like her - but she has no boundaries - she emailed my daughter when she was away with her father - and she texts and calls early and late.

My husband of course loves the attention of being a knight in shining armour for her, and because he doesn't fancy her, thinks I'm being unreasonable to mind her.

It is making me unhappy because my instincts are good, and I really do feel like she does want what I've got - a family, a loving husband - and I really want that for her too - but her own!

I don't want to alienate my husband from something he can't understand - and I don't want to let this woman walk all over my life without putting up some boundaries - but how? She is very popular but a terrible backstabber, and I feel very unsafe with her.

It's really nice to know that these feelings - and jealousy and mistrust feel ugly to have - are understandable.

Thanks again. x

ps I should add that I'm a crap actress, so I avoid her when I feel bad about things, rather than playing nice.

OP posts:

sb6699 · 09/02/2010 11:49

Its a very difficult situation, you dont want to ask your dh to dump her then he resents you because he has lost her friendship.

On the other hand, my dh has a very close female friends who calls/texts/visits. She would NEVER make jokes about having sex with him or how long our marriage was going to last.

The problem here is that she has no respect for you.

Shockers suggestion that you make more arrangements with your mutual friends so that you are busy when she wants him around is a good idea. Hopefully she will get the message quickly and realise that he is YOUR husband and not exclusively at HER beck and call.

electra · 09/02/2010 11:51

MrsPeahen - why do you like this woman? She is a bunny boiling cow - you are entitled to tell her to F off.

You are in a difficult position - I think if I were you I'd be thinking of tactical ways to get rid of her so that you can protect YOUR nest.

Sazisi · 09/02/2010 11:51

Are there any little things that could help a bit? I'm thinking if, for example, you and DH both switch off mobile phones at dinner time, she can't intrude on your private alone-with-dh time?

electra · 09/02/2010 11:54

To be honest she sounds nuts - emailing your daughter - wtf??

KurriKurri · 09/02/2010 11:54

I think your DH needs to make it clear by his behaviour that you are his priority, and he wants to spend time with you. that includes not having his time taken up with texts and phone calls.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 09/02/2010 11:56

Ouch! I think I would probably be a bit evil and "befriend" her- then drone on and on about how wonderful MY dh was, how we had such a lovely meal here, how he did this or that for me, and how lucky I was. How he thinks that men who cheat on their families for a bit of fluff are frankly pathetic...till she puked and decided to steer clear!

LindenAvery · 09/02/2010 11:58

As a married woman with a best friend who is also a married man this woman is no friend of your marriage. Your husband also has to wise up to this.

I would NEVER make the kind of remarks she makes as it is completely direspectful to the both of you.Your DH should at least tell her that rather than ignoring this remark.

Morloth · 09/02/2010 12:00

Both DH and I have friends of the opposite sex who we see independently. However, mid-week sexual services? 2 years? Emailing your daughter? Yeah, how about NO.

I am a great big PITA and those shoulders are mine and mine alone for crying on.

TheProvincialLady · 09/02/2010 12:01

Ask your DH how he would feel if there was a male friend in YOUR life who behaved like this. He needs to tell this woman that he is not available for her first thing in the morning and last thing at night, etc.

Original poster

MrsPeahen · 09/02/2010 12:02

You're right, I need good tactics. Here are the problems - this is a small town, and everyone knows everyone - she is a socialite and she is very popular. Many of my husband's friends, now mine too, knew her first and like her. But she doesn't call up their husbands or boyfriends and cry on their shoulders.

To call a spade a spade, I have taken away her lovely single man companion and with it, any possibility of more.

I feel for her, rather than liking her, and I don't think single women should be ostracised or punished for their single status by nervous married women - I was a single mother for a long time and I felt that cold wind myself, but I don't think I'm doing that to her.

She has given up on love for herself, and attaches herself to families or gay men - she is childless, and I truly do feel for her. But how to handle this one. My husband is incredibly kind and sees her loneliness and pain too, and wants to be a good friend.

But there is a limit, and I'm at it. She was an actress and is very entertaining, she makes everyone laugh and is invited out a lot because of it. I wouldn't dream of speaking about these feelings to anyone who knows her, because I'm sure I would be considered silly and jealous, so it is a huge relief to speak the truth here.

OP posts:

catsmother · 09/02/2010 12:04

It doesn't matter that your DH doesn't fancy her - by continuing to be friendly with her he is condoning her appalling lack of boundaries and her sheer bloody rudeness. She's shown you - and your marriage - no respect, and if he encourages her then he's kind of being tarred with the same brush. Am not sure really why you "like" her - though applaud you for trying - a genuine friend would no way make a "joke" about your marriage ending after a couple of years and the sexual services thing is totally crass.

DuelingFanjo · 09/02/2010 12:05

I think the comment about it not lasting 2 years is uncalled for but speaking as someone who is married to a man with loads of female friends, and one in particular who used to hang out with him a lot and who makes jokes about their relationship... I think you need to chill out.

If he's not interested in her in that way at all, and it's just friendship then it shouldn't be a problem and any jealoousy you feel is probably misplaced.

My only advice would be to maybe have a word with him about how he should stop supporting her so much as it impacts upon your family in the wrong way.

electra · 09/02/2010 12:09

I disagree, DF - the OP's DH may not fancy this woman but that doesn't mean nothing will ever happen if she carries on hounding him.

MrsZuko · 09/02/2010 15:45

This is about getting the other woman to acknowledge your position in your DH's life.It's important to remember that this woman has been friends with your DH for a long time, presumably before you came on the scene. If nothing has ever happened betweem them then I think it's pretty safe to assume that she doesn't have designs on your husband, which I think you know anyway.

Don't whatever you do, get your DH to "have a word" with her - she'll think you're an idiot who can't fight her own battles. Talk to her yourself - tell her you have respect for her relationship with DH and would like similar respect for YOUR relationship with DH. She'll probably be mortified you've called her on her inappropriate behaviour.

I think a lot of her behaviour is not really to do with your DH, it's more a reaction to that depressing situation of being the last person still in the pub, whilst everyone else is settling down and having families.

electra · 09/02/2010 16:58

'If nothing has ever happened betweem them then I think it's pretty safe to assume that she doesn't have designs on your husband'

Sorry, I think this is very naive. The sex comments speak for themselves! Who cares if the woman has been 'on the scene' a long time?? The OP is his WIFE - she should come FIRST.

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