to mind my husband's needy female friend?

[MrsPeahen]

I don't think he fancies her, at all. But before I came along, they were both single and he was a great escort for her.

She's made a joke in the past about providing mid-week sexual services when I wasn't there, and she wrote a "jokey" message to us when we got married, that she gave us 2 years.

Her life is a mess, she's sad and lonely, she's a funny, intelligent, interesting person and if she didn't cling to my husband so much, I'd like her a hell of a lot more, but she's made it plain that he is her friend, it's him she texts and calls, and I fit in as his wife.

I hate them texting, she doesn't work so she's constantly looking for company, and I know it flatters my husband that she needs him. It drives me up the **ing wall.

It's not that I don't like her - I just want her to back off and respect the fact he's now a married man, and things have changed.

Helpful advice, anyone? Thank you.

MrsPeahen I could have written your post a year ago, almost to the letter

DP's 'friend' got more and more clingy of him and critical of me - I controlled him, I was trying to change him, he was under the thumb, etc - truth is you can't make DP do anything he doesn't want to!

Anyway the long and short of it is that there wasn't really a solution. DP had sort of gone along with her and not disagreed for the sake of an easy life, tbh I think it suited him to blame his early leaving (from her house) on me 'wanting him home' rather than admitting he wanted to leave, IYSWIM. DP was her man replacement and although I was never quite sure if she actually fancied him, she was definitely obsessed with him and everything that we had together.

DP and I talked and thought long and hard about it and he agreed that he had let it go too far really - she was calling and texting at all hours for ridiculous requests. He decided to wean her off (I was very proud of him actually for stepping up) and she reacted in true supernannied-naughty-kid style and kicked off hugely, slagging me off to all our mutual friends as I had 'split them up' luckily for us she showed her true colours and a year later we don't really see anything of her unless by accident and feel better for it.

Sorry that was longer than I meant it to be!! It is horrid to have jealousy and mistrust creeping up on you when you didn't think it would ever be in your nature and I think your DH needs to step up here and show you some respect as his wife. In our case it was past repair really but I hope you find a solution less harsh than cutting her out, considering you live/play so close together.

And if she's such a socialite, presumably she should be able to find herself a single man quite easily!

Hmmm, tactics. Tricky.
Don't be heavy, what you need to do is fade her out.

Figure out what her 'key times' for needing your DH are, and make lots and lots of plans for that time. If he doesn't see her for a few weeks, she'll become less of a habit.

Be nice to her...sickly sweet style. When she requests support from your DH, smile and say 'Of course we'll help!' and go with him.

Can you field her calls/texts? If she texts DH feeling down, text her back (making it clear it's you) and arrange a time for you to visit her with a bottle of wine. All this must be done nicely, you need to look like the good guy here.

'she's made it plain that he is her friend, it's him she texts and calls, and I fit in as his wife.'

Has she actually said this? Because it makes her sound unreasonable, not you. If it's just implied, ignore it. Back her into a corner where she has to actually say it. She'll look very brattish, and you'll have made your point.

She's got to go.

abbierhodes - that is a great way to deal with it! I had a different idea that I didn't want to post! (not anything violent!)

Abbierhodes offers really good advice. You can't forbid DH from contacting her, but you can make it very clear that you come as a couple. Be very very over-nice to her, and get yourself included on all social engagements involving her. She'll soon get the message.

I have had another woman do this to me when I was friendly with an ex (her new bf) and it was extremely effective. It hurt me, of course, but of course it was necessary. What's that line in "When Harry met Sally?"- that a man and a woman can't be friends without the sex bit getting in the way? I have to say I agree with that.

Have you asked your DH how he would feel if the situation was reversed and there was a man texting YOU all the time??

AbbieRhodes advice is very good, because anything that smacks of you 'asserting your rights' is going to make you look like a whanger and cause more trouble than it's worth. The only suggestion I had (because the most important thing here is not to make your H feel that he 'isn't allowed friends' - is that you could enlist your H in a Campaign to Find BunnyBoiler a Man of Her Own. Suggest to him that he suggests dating agencies to her, for instance. If your H starts thinking 'Poor bunnyboiler, she's desperate, let's help her out ie starts feeling a bit patronzing towards her then that's going to help him feel less inclined to engage with her all the time.

Wow, you have all got lots of self control, TBH if I was in this situation I would probably freak and tell her exactly what I thought of her.

Then I would await DH's reaction to find out exactly where his priorities lay.

To be honest, I think I'd gradually freeze out any mate of DH's who behaved like this, even if it were a bloke.
You and DH are the unit here. Anything or anyone who undermines that is side-lined.

I think you need to get more or your social crowd on side, I am sure other wives and girlfriends would feel the same as you if she was latching on to their partners.

You say you can not act around her so killing with kindness is out
I think first of all you need your DH to understand, ask him how he would feel if the boot were on the other foot and you had a male friend who was forever in the way.

Can you intersept and delete her emails/texts? Maybe after a few unanswered messages she will get the hint.

If all else fails a rousing fuck off you sad desperate sad cow, and ban her from your home.

MrsPeaHen - as I said earlier, I was in this situation. My (Ex)DP said he didn't fancy her, they'd been friends for years, he couldn't stand her way of living (state of the house/family/many of her values etc), that if they'd wanted to be together they'd had years to do that...

He kept telling me I was paranoid, she was just a friend etc etc...

She had her sights on him, she made that clear - but of course, all of the texts (day & night) saying how great he was, how she didn't know how she'd cope without him, he was her knight in white shining armour meant nothing and I was paranoid ...

So yes, they are married with several kids etc etc - she stepped into my shoes (well bed really)....

Oh & my Ex was the sort who everyone loved, thought we were a great couple, were sure would never leave (esp not for someone else) etc etc - it wasn't the lust/affair - it was being needed & a knight in white shining armour that made him leave (I'm the independant type, not the 'oh my god how will I cope without you, simpering sort). Oh and if it makes any difference - we did have a good relationship, even he admits that & he admits it was just that she made him feel like a hero, like her knight, whereas I treated him like my equal ...

Don't let it happen to you.

'she's made it plain that he is her friend, it's him she texts and calls, and I fit in as his wife.'

I would object to any friend, male or female, who tried to freeze me out. She needs to let go and move on, I like the advice of doing everything as a couple for a while.

Also if your DH stops responding to late night texts/calls, she might stop sending them.

Are you sure she fancies him? Would you mind the calls and texts as much if it was a bloke? I agree completely that she seems to have no sense of boudaries and should have respect for the fact that she is possibly intruding on your time together by calling late etc,but although she may be a bit self obsessed and sad,she may well not be after him. why not ask him to tell her that calling late disturbs his family life? Or for him to just not respond? If you are sure she fancies him then you need to insist that he does this.

Ladies, thank you all so much for your thoughts. It's been really supportive to read them.

I think when Needy Friend's 'giving it 2 years' might refer to the length of time this relationship might need, for the slow fade out of our lives...

Meanwhile, I'm going to wish that she meets a wonderful (available!) man and begins a happy life - and sit tight with mine.

I really appreciate the time you've taken to help me, you've been great.

I think it would depend on how often she called as to how bothered I'd be, although the midweek sexual favours comment would have annoyed me, and I'd probably have been rude at the time.
If it's once or twice a week it's manageable. If it's several times a day I'd tell husband I wasn't happy with it and ask him how he'd feel if I had a bloke forever contacting him. I'd ask him to delay replying to her and to tell her he's busier these days.
If my husband had a male friend forever phoning I'd probably find that irritating as well, but would find it less threatening.
I'm not a phone person so find people who are forever wittering away on the phone annoying.
I wouldn't accept being sidelined, not that I'm a married people do everything 2 by 2 person, but I wouldn't want my bloke going out alone with a woman, unless it was hobby or work related and infrequent.
Charles and Camilla were "best friends"

should have been "bloke forever contacting me".

You should probably speak to your husband about it as men can be a bit dim and not know when a woman's after them.

Also, YANBU to think that this woman's close friendship with your husband is wrong, even if she isn't after him.

I have had a really close male "best friend" for years. I am now married to someone else and so is he, and we both acknowledged that our relationship had to change. We are still close friends as we grew up together, but we both make a real effort with each others' husband/wife and I will often phone and speak to her before him. I would avoid confiding specifically in him now, and would make a point of asking for advice/help from him and his wife together.

I'm in the same boat. My husband is ""friends" w/ a 25 yr old single female, he says they are just friends, but they hang out together , go to the movies together, work in the same jobs together, watch TV, go fishing together, etc. It bothers me because she's so needy of him, always wants to insert herself with anything he's doing, and i don't want to share my husband with Anyone. Having friends is one thing, but she's dependant on him a lot, very needy, very dependent, very whiny with him, how the f* am I supposed to feel about this? Always calls him for everything and anything. Any married women would certainly agree this isn't healthy or should even be tolerated.

OP, I totally understand you! My DH was a bit of a shiny knight too and had a gaggle of women fawning over him, as he was single for a while. He did spend a few months pursuing me and I made it very clear that I would not be part of or tolerate any harem. When he got the usual calls for help after we got together, whether that might be, DIY or other stuff, I told him that this had to stop because we were both busy people and any free time, aside from any of his interests, I expected for him to focus on me. This was right at the start and non negotiable. One thing I am utterly grateful for is that he hasn’t got a big ego. He has a few wonderful female friends that are respectful and who I adore. The rest I shut down.

One though who I know is deeply insecure and keeps posting non stop virtually nude selfies and then would complain bitterly about weirdos, was quite the limpet for a bit longer. I really do appreciate though that my DH made it clear that he was no longer available to take her anywhere. Before when they were both single, they would go to events together. He was very direct to her that this was strictly platonic. Whenever we saw her at events, she would still try to pull him away for some crisis talk but I refused to be sidelined and he kept me by his side. She kept constantly telling me that I did not need to worry, as nothing ever happened between them. I replied each time that I was not in the slightest worried, as my DH had been really transparent and I really did not care about anyone he had been with before we got together, as we all have a past. She kept on making a huge point of faux sincerely telling me how I did not have to be concerned, usually saying that in front of other people. After several occasions, I smiled at her and told her I was absolutely not worried about it, I knew there had never been anything intimate, as she wasn’t his type. Then added that he went for intelligent women. I smiled at her like a benign reptile and she fucked off and very much kept her distance ever since.