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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to agree to visit my elderly neighbour?

40 replies

ElusiveMoose · 08/02/2010 17:23

Background is that I live in a small communal development of houses where most of the other residents are quite elderly. Had a phone call today from the daughter of one of said residents, saying she was increasingly worried about her mother, who is not frail but is increasingly forgetful. She said that she now wants to have regular checks on her mother to make sure she's ok, and asked if I would take on the role. She wants me to go in every morning and evening for 10 minutes or so (to check she's healthy, not depressed, and doesn't have any domestic emergencies etc), and ideally also take in a meal each evening. She made it quite clear that she expected to pay for this service, and asked me to suggest how much I would charge. She said she thought I'd be an ideal person to do this because I don't work, and she thought I might like the pocket money (which would indeed be useful).

Now, my initial reaction is that I really don't want to take this on. I have a two year old at home, and another baby on the way in August. It sounds a bit pathetic, but just the logistics of organising a toddler to go round without fail, twice a day, puts me off; plus, I'm worried about how good I would actually be at chatting to the lady in question and making sure she's ok. My DH's instant reaction was that he would worry about legal responsibilities - the daughter said she would not hold me responsible for her mother's wellbeing, but DH fears that being in an employed position might give me certain legal responsibilities. Also, the thought of making an extra meal each night sounds like a chore (though I think I could say no to this bit).

So, what do you think? I really want to say no, but at the same time I feel like it makes me a terrible neighbour - like I'm refusing to help a vulnerable old lady. And when I expressed hesitation on the phone, the daughter put on quite a surprised/disappointed voice and made me feel quite bad. I've said I'll get back to her - what should I do??

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 08/02/2010 17:25

I think you should say no, but then maybe make an effort to go round a couple of times a week maybe just to make a cup of tea. It's fine for the daughter to ask you do this but it's also fine for you to say no!

StealthPolarBear · 08/02/2010 17:26

agree with your dh re legal issues etc. Also what if you're ill, on holiday.

fernie3 · 08/02/2010 17:28

If you dont want to do it (and I can understand why) then dont. If the daughter is willing to pay you she should find it fairly easy to find someone else to do it.

BAFE · 08/02/2010 17:29

I agree with Stealth. It's OK that she offered you this job and it's OK that you refuse to do it.

You need to be CRB checked and insured and all sorts. She needs to organise proper home care.

GibbonInARibbon · 08/02/2010 17:29

Explain that you don't feel comfortable taking on the responsibilty. She could arrange this through a private agency surely?

geordieminx · 08/02/2010 17:29

This lady is not your responsibilty!!

Its one thing checking she is ok, as and when you see her, its another thing going round twice a day and making a meal for her!

What happens if you are out, or just fancy beans on toast for tea? Not to mention that this woman might not want you popping round twice a day to check up on her!

If the daughter wants someone to look after her then she should contact a professional care agency - or social services. Or even ((shock horror)) do it herself.

Tell the woman that with a toddler and baby on the way you have enough on your plate, and that you cannot commit to this twice a day

lilacclaire · 08/02/2010 17:29

Its a huge responsibility, tell the daughter that you don't think you could cope with such responsibility and that social services should assess her needs.

heQet · 08/02/2010 17:29

If you work with vulnerable people you need a crb check. Also there's tax and ni to consider. You can't just be bunged some cash.

And yes, you'd be vulnerable, what if said confused lady claimed something was missing?

I think you should tell the daughter that you are not the best person to help and she should approach an agency or social services.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 08/02/2010 17:29

I don't think you should feel bad to not want to commit to doing this every day as while it doesn't sound much, it is going to add work to your day.

Do you know the lady in question? Would you be happy to pop in more than you might do?

I think the daughter sounds a bit like I-can't-be-arsed-so-will-throw-money-at-the-problem. How did she get your number?

BouncingTurtle · 08/02/2010 17:30

'She said she thought I'd be an ideal person to do this because I don't work, and she thought I might like the pocket money'

I would be very at this. It sounds very patronising.

I wouldn't do it it sounds like quite a committment especially with you having a toddler and another baby on the way,and I think your DH is right to question the legal side of things as well.

By all means pop in and have a cuppa with her.
I suggest your neighbour's daughter could maybe look for a home help service.

BAFE · 08/02/2010 17:30

If you poison that poor little old lady with your cooking they could sue you big time. - seriously.

Plus, you're not qualified or trained.

Why not just offer to be an emergency key holder? So that if the lady has a fall or something, you can let the emergency services in?

hellymelly · 08/02/2010 17:31

I would say no and my children are slightly older than yours.Might be ok on a normal day but as soon as say,you are are dealing with a colicky baby and a toddler wioth chicken pox or such like it would be really stressful to have to deal with the extra resposibility.Also if she did something dangerous,or collapsed,on your "watch" then you would have to then do all the calling etc and that could be even more tricky.Nothing wrong with keeping half an eye out in a neighbourly way but this sounds like more of a job for social services or a professional carer.

mazzystartled · 08/02/2010 17:31

In your situation I wouldn't do it. I'd happily agree to pop in informally a couple of times a week (and did so with one of my elderly neighbours), but with a tiny child, and a baby imminent I wouldn't feel that I was in a position to consider it.

Don't feel bad - the daughter is obviously keen to sort something out to support her mum - but if it doesn't feel right don't do it.

diddl · 08/02/2010 17:32

I do understand your reasons for not wanting to do it.
But I also feel how sad for the old lady concerned.

It might make her day to see your young daughter.

kinnies · 08/02/2010 17:32

YANBU
Dont worry, the daughter will be able to find somone else if shes willing to pay.

P.S I have a 2yr old and am due in Aug. I dont really feel up to taking anything else on atm either!

StealthPolarBear · 08/02/2010 17:33

but diddl there's no reason the op can't pop in from time to time

easyoptionwoman · 08/02/2010 17:34

I think the daily responsibility of looking after this elderly lady does not belong to you. You are not being a bad neighbour at all by saying no. I think that popping in every now and then is fine. Also you have a 2 year to look after and that in itself is enough (especially around teatime). You shouldn't feel bad about anything.

SoLongAsItsHealthy · 08/02/2010 17:35

Keeping an eye on an elderly neighbour is one thing. A nice thing to do and actually something we should probably all do a bit more of. But what the lady's daughter is proposing is a job. If you don't want the committment of a paid job then I don't see why you can't say so. I agree with your DH's concerns over legal responsibility too. Are you a qualified carer? This may come back to bite you if something happens to her and somebody tries to siggest it was negligence on your part. I would recoil at getting so deeply involved actually. Unless caring for the elderly was my usual job and I knew what I was taking on.

I would explain politely to the lady's daughter that you think she should contact the local authority about sending someone out or a private agency and that you're happy to pop in every now and then to say hello and keep an eye on her. But that you couldn't possibly take on a regular job or the huge responsibility that comes with it.

I think this is reasonable.

She's been a bit unreasonable to ask really.

diddl · 08/02/2010 17:36

Yes stealth I agree.

I think to do it formally might not be the way to go.

But to pop in now and again.

And tbh if the daughter thinks that her mother isn´t cooking for herself then she perhaps needs to be in sheltered housing(?)

Jofins · 08/02/2010 17:39

YANBU, I'm a registered nurse and I wouldn't want the responsibility. You have enough going on in your life at the moment.
This could be the start of a very awkward situation, as this lady gets older and more frail, will you feel obliged to do more and more for her?
If her daughter is prepared to pay you, then she should be able to pay for a regular trained person to care for her mother.
Be firm, ut polite and say NO!

Vivia · 08/02/2010 17:40

YANBU!

Poor you, you must have felt a real pressure - the daughter should never have put you in such an awkward position. She should deal with family responsibility herself.

No offense to you, OP, but why would the daughter be happy asking a random neighbour to ensure that her mother is fine? How could she really know that you are trustworthy and reliable?

travellingwilbury · 08/02/2010 17:41

I wouldn't do this either . I work in home care and I would be amazed if you can manage to get in and out of that house within ten minutes twice a day . Also if she is getting forgetful then I can imagine you will be asked to check on her food supplies before time ( and then end up doing the shopping) what about any medication she is/will be on ?I think you are well placed to say no thank you . Maybe you could phone up local social services and ask for an agency list to be sent through . At least then you could give the daughter some info .

Also as you say you are in the middle of a lot of elderly neighbours , I would worry that other families would get wind of the lovely kind girl down the road who looks after old edna or whatever . You could end up with a queue around the block

expatinscotland · 08/02/2010 17:49

This is not a favour, it's a job.

Look at it in the legal light your DH put it in: you need a contract, for insurance purposes, and quite possibly, depending on your council, certain qualifications and background checks.

You'll also have to register as self-employed, then, past a certain number of hours.

With a toddler and a baby on the way, I'd give this a swerve.

TheFallenMadonna · 08/02/2010 17:52

I agree that it's a job. I would certainly pop in and ask how she was getting on, but I wouldn't have been able when a SAHM to commit to doing it at the same time each day or to provide meals. Very awkward for the daughter if she isn't around, but she needs to organise some proper care for her mother if she is requiring it. If you want the job, then fair enough, but if you don't, then it will have to be someone else.

StealthPolarBear · 08/02/2010 17:59

you could always ask her what maternity pay & provisions you'd be entitled to

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