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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to agree to visit my elderly neighbour?

40 replies

ElusiveMoose · 08/02/2010 17:23

Background is that I live in a small communal development of houses where most of the other residents are quite elderly. Had a phone call today from the daughter of one of said residents, saying she was increasingly worried about her mother, who is not frail but is increasingly forgetful. She said that she now wants to have regular checks on her mother to make sure she's ok, and asked if I would take on the role. She wants me to go in every morning and evening for 10 minutes or so (to check she's healthy, not depressed, and doesn't have any domestic emergencies etc), and ideally also take in a meal each evening. She made it quite clear that she expected to pay for this service, and asked me to suggest how much I would charge. She said she thought I'd be an ideal person to do this because I don't work, and she thought I might like the pocket money (which would indeed be useful).

Now, my initial reaction is that I really don't want to take this on. I have a two year old at home, and another baby on the way in August. It sounds a bit pathetic, but just the logistics of organising a toddler to go round without fail, twice a day, puts me off; plus, I'm worried about how good I would actually be at chatting to the lady in question and making sure she's ok. My DH's instant reaction was that he would worry about legal responsibilities - the daughter said she would not hold me responsible for her mother's wellbeing, but DH fears that being in an employed position might give me certain legal responsibilities. Also, the thought of making an extra meal each night sounds like a chore (though I think I could say no to this bit).

So, what do you think? I really want to say no, but at the same time I feel like it makes me a terrible neighbour - like I'm refusing to help a vulnerable old lady. And when I expressed hesitation on the phone, the daughter put on quite a surprised/disappointed voice and made me feel quite bad. I've said I'll get back to her - what should I do??

OP posts:
Lulumama · 08/02/2010 18:01

It sounds like she is wnating extra care/ support for her mum, but not doing it through proper channels

agree popping in from time to time with your DD is nice and even taking a meal/cake/snack. but to committ to it every day twice a day when you are pregnant and have a toddler is too much

what about when your toddler is ill? or you are ill?

social services need to assess this woman and it needs to be odne properly

private carers can be arranged, we had one for my grandma, she lived in aswell, but obvioulsy this costs more than paying a neighbour pocket money to pop in

what if you pop in with your meal and she is lying on the floor with a broken hip or has wet/soiled herself? you can't deal with that sort of thing

what if you were helping her to the loo and she fell and hurt herself?

nice idea in theory, but totally unrowkrable in realtiy

Doodleydoo · 08/02/2010 18:07

EM - I would suggest not taking this job offer, however much the money might be useful I think you will find it a bit of a bind. Last year when I lived with neighbours around I frequently had to go shopping for my elderly neighbours. OK not too much of a problem BUT they insisted on food from a shop I didn't usually shop in, would be as specific as 2 x small potatoes and 3 x slices of tongue, making my shopping with a baby then far far more difficult. If you feel like I do most of the time (being on the same thread for august) this is the last thing you will want to do. If the daughter is willing to pay, let her find someone who is in a better position to do it, you can still pop round with biscuits or a cake or something for a quick hello and then you can find out if the carer is really any good and report more informally to the daughter if you need to. I just think its a lot to take on at the moment.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/02/2010 18:09

Simply tell her that you can't do it due to your existing commitments.

"You don't work" indeed.

Yes it is a job, and a huge commitment. 10 mins in morn and 10 mins in eve and a meal - restricts how far you can go in a day. Holidays? Weekends away? What if you want a day out somewhere?

nancydrewrocks · 08/02/2010 18:10

On the face of it I don't see what the problem is other than the fact that you don't want to do it which of course is your perogative.

It wouldn't be a job I wanted either but I imagine there are many people who would jump at the chance.

If she is physically and mentally healthy (as you suggest she is) then I don't really see what the problem would be if you wanted to do it.

DaftApeth · 08/02/2010 18:16

You are quite within your rights to say no to this job.

You should not feel guilty for doing so.

Even if you were at home all day and had no children, you should be able to turn it down without feeling guilty - let alone being in the situation you are in.

This lady's daughter will have to look for someone officially to take on this role and will probably have to pay more than pocket money!

Sparkletastic · 08/02/2010 18:21

YANBU - she needs to utilise Social Services and at the least secure meals on wheels for her mother as these are delivered once or twice a day depending on your LEA and will involve a 'safe and well' check. She needs to seek a home help for more than that. Not your responsibility at all - massive hassle for you and potential legal minefield.

ssd · 08/02/2010 18:24

tell the daughter to pay someone qualified to care for her mum

and the old lady might be ok now, but she could become unwell, more frail in a few months when your baby is here, what happens then?

TBH I think the daughter has a bloody cheek

ElusiveMoose · 08/02/2010 18:26

Thank you all so much (and hi Doodley!). You've confirmed all my reasons for not wanting to do it, and given me a whole lot more that I hadn't thought of. I suspect I would always have said no to this, but now I won't feel guilty.

As you all suggest, I'm quite happy to pop in from time to time to have a cup of tea with the lady (she's not the easiest to talk to, TBH, because she really is very forgetful and can be a little cantankerous, but I think I really ought to in order to be a good neighbour).

As for the daughter, I don't know what to think about her, really. I have sympathy - she doesn't live very close, and all her siblings are living abroad - and I genuinely think she thought this would just be an easier/nicer solution than getting social services involved, particularly as the lady doesn't need a great deal of actual 'care' (yet - though she's only likely to need more in future, as some of you point out). But at the same time, it does sound like she really needs to think about a proper social care assessment.

Anyway, thank you all - what would I do without MN? Plus DH now feels vindicated. Though I do like the idea of maternity pay .

OP posts:
2rebecca · 08/02/2010 18:30

I don't think the daughter is unreasonable for asking, but if you don't want to do it say no. It sounds alot of work. I wouldn't do it, but can imagine some people might have the time and be glad of the money.

FioFio · 08/02/2010 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ElusiveMoose · 08/02/2010 18:32

Perhaps, though she's never met me...

OP posts:
FioFio · 08/02/2010 18:33

This reply has been deleted

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LIZS · 08/02/2010 18:36

Agree with others, keeping an eye out is one thing - making sure curtains are open , milk taken in, or if she needs any provisions in bad weather etc - but that is otherwise a big ask. You have other priorities and cannot make such a commitment. Perhaps she could approach the local church, Mothers Union or WI to see if anyone would be prepared to do this regularly.

fishingboat · 08/02/2010 19:00

No no no, this ladies daughter is looking for cheap care for her mother. Surely if they can afford to pay you they can afford to pay for care!

Or more to the point whats with the daughter
looking after her after all she is her mother.

Think of your own family and the responsibilities you have already. Be a good neighbour pop in and she her from time to time but draw the line there.

agedknees · 08/02/2010 19:25

YANBU to say no.

You will not be covered by insurance in the event of the old lady hurting herself whilst you are looking after her.

What if you are accused of taking something from the old woman? This does happen to carers.

What if you hurt yourself helping the old woman (especially when you are heavily pregnant).

What if you and your dh and dc want to take a few days away or do something spontaneous?

I think the old ladies daughter has been a bit cheeky asking you tbh. She should be involving ss or organising care from a care agency.

Do not feel guilty about saying no. You should never have been asked in the first place and she has put you in an awkward position.

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