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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it wouldn't hurt my mum to babysit once in a blue moon.

31 replies

LEMprefersdogstocats · 07/02/2010 22:16

She loves DD and DD adores her. DD is four and she is pretty full on so hard work. But i can't actually remember when my mother last babysat - we asked her to have DD for an HOUR yesterday because we didnt want to drag her around the supermarket but she ummed and ahhed and made it clear she didn't want to do it.

She is quite old, but she is fit.

She lives in the next street, shes a widow and doesn't have any social activities apart from bingo once a week with DD1.

Now i know it isn't an entitlement to have a GP babysit, but i can't understand it - surely she would welcome the time with DD. DP and I have been through a really tough time and we would love an evening out - just some time on our own. A couple of hours. We haven't been out together for well over a year, could even be two. I have given up asking her tbh but it does make me sad.

She is very good to us financially, and i am grateful for it - really i am. But tbh, id rather her babysat!!! She has plenty of money so its not like its a big deal to her - that sounds terribly ungrateful but its no effort.

I on the other hand am at her beck and call most times. She had a cold last week, DD2 was off school, sent home sick. Anyway, my mother rang - "oh, the dogs not been out for three days" "i'll have to take him out" knowing that of course i wouldnt want her walking the dog in the wet after just getting over a cold. I had a friend here visiting - i had to leave my DD with my friend while i went to walk my mums dog. I didnt mind - but then when i mentioned it to DP, he reminded me that i had taken the dog out two days previoius and that when he offered to walk the dog the next day she had already walked him. Then another time she buggered up her digibox and could i go and look at it - i was dishing up dinner - "oh but there is a film on channel five i wanted to watch" So, i dished up dinner, put mine in the oven - walked round, fixed the digibox - no problem, but i looked on the guide - the film was the exorcist - NO WAY would she have watched that!! Its just that when she wants something done, she wants it done NOW. We gave up our whole weekend three weeks ago trapsing around taking her to find a new TV. I don't mind doing any of this - she's my mother. My point being, i don't think it is too much to ask actually for her to babysit for a few hours once in a while.

DP and I were talking earlier - he said, i was going to book us a valentines meal, but we wont be able to find a sitter. DD is extremely shy wouldnt stay with anyone else - so it would be pants of us to do that, plus i dont want a stranger looking after my DD. I have no friends who would be in the position to do it either - I dont have any other family. ILs would love the chance to babysit but they live too far away.

I know i am being unreasonable but i just want a night out with my DP.

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMprefersdogstocats · 07/02/2010 22:27

Oh, IBU i'll get my coat

OP posts:
puddinghead · 07/02/2010 22:27

YANBU. Does she actually give a reason or just mumbles and changes the subject? I wonder what it is, as you say she enjoys being with your dd? Maybe she thinks she isn't capable or something might go wrong and as you'd be out, you wouldn't be on hand to belt round at a moment's.

Try asking re valentine's. If she won't babysit, maybe time for some exuses of your own next time she expects you to dash round at drop of a hat?

piscesmoon · 07/02/2010 22:28

I would find other babysitters. They won't be strangers once you get to know them. You are not going to change her. Get a nice 6th former.

Hassled · 07/02/2010 22:31

Ask your friends to recommend someone to babysit - someone they've used and trusted. YANBU, but it doesn't look like she will change. So if you want any sort of life you need to give up on it and make your own arrangements.

GhoulsAreLoud · 07/02/2010 22:33

The bitter irony here is that you'll probably be told to suck it up and not expect her to babysit by the same people who are tearing the OP to shreds on the homestart thread! (which I know you are on so you know what I'm on about).

YANBU.

heQet · 07/02/2010 22:35

I understand. But as you recognise yourself, you've no right to expect anything. It would be nice if she wanted to, but you're right that she doesn't have to.

But that works both ways - you don't have to walk the dogs, or be at her beck and call. It is your choice to do so.

Now you can carry on - but do so accepting that no matter how much you do for her, she's not going to babysit

Or you can say straight out that you would like her to babysit in return for you doing x, y, z. But tbh, she may turn round and say that she gives you money, so you should do x, y, z...

Or you can stop running around for her altogether.

You've lots of options. It's up to you to decide what you prefer.

But I understand that you feel 'hurumph, my mum should WANT to look after my child'. It sort of feels like a rejection, I suppose. So I understand why you feel the way you do, it's just, unfortunately, tough titty.

lowenergylightbulb · 07/02/2010 22:35

It is a bit annoying isn't it? My kids are teenagers and my parents (who are not old/infirm etc..) have baby sat for us maybe 5 times in total.

I know that my kids are 'my kids' and that grandparents are not an on tap child care service, but I do feel a bit 'meh' at times. Especially when they guilt trip me into entertaining their elderly parents because they are too busy socialising/going on holiday to see them.

And also I think that it's a shame that they don't seem to want to spend time wit their grandkids. They don't really know them TBH, and I think that it's their loss.

heQet · 07/02/2010 22:36
sunnydelight · 07/02/2010 22:36

YANBU to be disappointed by this, but as you know there is no right to babysitting. Have you ever asked her outright why she is so reluctant? there may be some specific reason you're not aware of. If she just doesn't want to or feels it's not her role then you just need to accept that and find other babysitters. Even the shyest child will get used to new people if they are introduced sensitively; find someone youngish who will maybe play with your daughter or do her hair or nails - that usually works with little girls

skidoodle · 07/02/2010 22:38

Find another babysitter.

Sounds like she's too busy getting you to babysit her to have time to babysit your daughter. I can't believe you put your dinner in the oven so you could attend to het broken telly. She treats you like a mug.

Original poster
LEMprefersdogstocats · 07/02/2010 22:43

Heqet - have you booked your you know what yet???

OP posts:
heQet · 07/02/2010 22:46

nope. It's the weekend. I'm not making excuses, honestly! I started the thread friday night, and the surgery opens on monday. I am going to do it. promise.

Original poster
LEMprefersdogstocats · 07/02/2010 22:51

Good

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 07/02/2010 22:59

If she provides financial support and you do favours for her then it seems pretty equal - expecting babysitting as well seems a little too much.

You say you would prefer the babysitting rather than the financial help, why not ask her if in return for helping her out she can help you out and the financial contribution is not needed.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2010 23:08

lem, you are not BU

I am in exactly the same situation

if I were to withdraw my support for my parents (who are retired, but fit and healthy) there would be uproar

but they do fuck-all to help me out, I have 2 kids, work, DH works long hours often away from home blah-bla-blah

it makes us sound selfsih, but we are not

my parents also only live a 5 minute drive away, but every favour I ask I have to pay for 10 times over, so I just stopped asking

AnyFucker · 07/02/2010 23:09

I mean pay for emotionally and in demonstrating how fucking grateful I am

it wears me down and makes me feel like shit...so I would rather not ask

underactivethyroidmum · 08/02/2010 09:17

AF - do we share the same set of parents ???

Mine are exactly the same and so is my MIL !

WingedVictory · 08/02/2010 10:04

We have started a "babysitting circle" with people with children in our neighbourhood.

Now, I must admit that we all met while on maternity leave, and do see one another in the local park, so our children are not strangers to one another, and we mummies are not strangers to the children, either. I also went round specially the week before I babysat, to see more of the girl (who was going to be in bed when I was sitting).

So we have all "invested" time, which I do understand not everyone has lots of. However, the more we see one another, the more potential return there is for the time spent. I had never seen that little girl laugh, and she is nearly 2 and I have known her all her life (she is the same age as my DS).

Now she is much less shy with me, and my friend probably feels happier leaving DD with me, which means that I am "earning" time to "draw" from the babysitting bank! After all, it only works if people are being fair and not taking, taking, taking.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2010 11:31

are you my sister UATM ? lol

my MIL is great though, which just shows up my own parents all the more for the self-centred twits they are...

I have an underactive thyroid too...

diddl · 08/02/2010 11:32

The thing is that in your OP you say that your daughter is hard work.

Also, did you all need to go shopping?

I suggest use the money that she gives you for a babysitter.

And don´t make yourself so available for her.

Could your ILs stay for a weekend so that you can get out together?

paisleyleaf · 08/02/2010 11:42

How old is DD1 who goes to bingo?
Could she babysit?

ben5 · 08/02/2010 11:56

our parents were crap at babysitting to so felt no guilt about moving to oz!!!!!! now they miss the kids!!! they had 4 years to be abit more helpful plus another 18 months to make us change our mind!!!!!!!!! when they visited us in november they said they would babysit but guess what they didn't. know how you feel but have no advice sorry!!! we just get used to inviting kids parents round for meals for adult company. the kids all play together and then we'll go to theres about a month later for dinner. not the same as going out but means we have some kind of social life!!!!!!

BendyBob · 08/02/2010 11:59

I dont think YABU at all. What a shame she doesn't seem to realise that she could be enjoying a special relationship with her granddaughter or that you - her own daughter - could use a break.

You can't do much other than ask her why point blank I guess. Do you have that kind of relationship with her? Or will she take offense at you mentioning it?

I do think as people move on and as they get older, they completely forget what it's like to have young children. (Just as those of us with young children move on and forget the stark realities of babies.) Also old people can be very inward looking and only really aware about themselves.

You do deserve to have a night off here and there though, of course you do! And anyway there might be times when you need a babysitter for other more pressing reasons.

If you can't bring the subject up, I'd bypass her now and find someone you can use regulalry whom you trust and dd will build a good rapport with. At least then you'll be able to get out.

Seeing someone else doing it might spur her into offering.

bellissima · 08/02/2010 12:12

Agree heQet. She doesn't have to babysit. Its not a compulsory part of being a grandparent. But you can't help the way you feel about it. My mother moved to France and is never around. Oh and my stepfather 'doesn't do small children' so we aren't particularly welcome there. But that doesn't stop them asking for financial help from time to time. I'm afraid that last time I pointed them in the direction of my (much wealthier) step brothers. Reaping and Sowing start to come into it after a while.

PuppyMonkey · 08/02/2010 12:23

I think YANBU too actually. DP's mum is like this. She lives ten minutes away but we haven't seen her since before Xmas - she didn't even give the dds a Xmas prezzie, ring them or anything. She's a bubbly, fit and active 60 something with a whirlwind social life, she's always off gallivanting with a new man. I don't begrudge her any of that and always say good luck to her. But I don't see why, say once a month or once every two months, she wouldn't offer to have the dds for a night, or come over and stay at ours (we have a lovely spare room for her).

On the rare occasions we have asked her (about twice since dd2(now nearly 3) was born), she has always got something pressing on... so she'll be ringing up saying she may have to cancel, leaving us all worried that she's not going to come. And then she'll always have something pressing on the next day, so we have to get up early with kids anyway and it sort of spoils the whole night out.

I don't think you can expect a grandparent to help out willy nilly, I wouldn't expect that. I just know that if and when I'm a grandparent, I'll offer once a week or once a fortnight... I know I will.