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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my mother should keep her opinions to herself?

31 replies

JazzieJeff · 07/02/2010 15:47

Right, really sorry girls but this is a long one...
I found out I was pregnant last week, and DH and I are really excited about it all. We decided that we wanted to tell both our parents as we didn't want to leave it until week 12 because should the worst happen; I'd really like a bit of extra support. My parents were on holiday at the time, so we decided to tell them when we got back... They were really good about it; well, my Dad was. My Mum's reaction was 'whaaat? What about your career? Why now?' etc, but my Dad was brillant, shaking DH's hand and telling us he was pleased. I'm actually 22 and so is DH. We have been together for a number of years. Once my Mum calmed down a bit, she and my Dad started asking about when we were going to get married (complex bit here; DH and I have travelled the world quite a bit in the past few years and got 'married' in a non-legally binding commitment ceremony in Africa; we kept it between us because a) my parents would've disapproved; they made that quite clear when we told them we didn't want a big wedding - that took a while for them to calm down and it was just a suggestion and b) we wanted to commit to one another in a really beautiful, private ceremony). Anyway, I digress. My Dad said that he was quite old fashioned and didn't want to see me as an unmarried mother; my Mum said the same and we took it with a pinch of salt really. Except, as my Mum went to get their things together to leave, she cornered me and said 'we're not forcing you to get married, but we really want you to because of the baby'.
I then got another phone call at 8am this morning to enquire about a date for the wedding. My point is; why won't she accept that I don't want a shotgun wedding? I think we should be allowed to formally marry when we like and when I feel more comfortable (ie not six months gone). Both of us are more than capable of doing this; we are not stupid, we have excellent jobs in the public sector with flexible working hours for parents; so much so that baby won't need any form of childcare until about 18 months. The final straw was when she said 'I can just see you splitting up and you in a council flat on your own in a few years'. It made me so upset. Why does she have so little faith? I wouldn't go ahead and have a baby with just anybody; and yet it feels like I might has well be a crack - addicted teenage mother of six with seven different Dads. DH and I have been together for a number of years and have our own home and live a lovely life.
She then informed me that she thought I may as well jack my job in, because she couldn't handle leaving me when I was little with a minder.
I just feel very sad that she has so little confidence in us as a couple. Just because we're (legally) unmarried, doesn't mean we're going to make terrible parents, or that he's going to leave me the second the child is born.
Sorry it's such a rant; I just feel pretty peeved with the whole lot and have no idea how to react to this; I'm so stunned...

OP posts:
lisianthus · 07/02/2010 15:51

Yep - YANBU. Your mother is mental. Ignore her.

compo · 07/02/2010 15:51

congratulations on your news
I would just smile when she brings it up
If the legal side of it worries you how about a register office ceremony, can be arranged without any hassle, can be done ona weekday, no need for loads of people there etc etc

lisianthus · 07/02/2010 15:52

and Oops- congratulations! You sound sensible.

TrillianAstra · 07/02/2010 15:53

If you were going to split up then I doubt marriage would make a difference. Your parents are being ridiculous to think that would affect it.

Original poster
JazzieJeff · 07/02/2010 15:55

Ah ha Compo; exactly what I said. But it was 'Oh no, you can't not invite Uncle so and so'... See what I'm working with here? I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't really. I don't mind doing the whole wedding thing, might be a nice day I guess and a nice way of 'renewing' our vows, so to speak. But why on earth would I want to waddle up the aisle, 6/7 months pregnant and hating every second of it? It's not the 50's is it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
JazzieJeff · 07/02/2010 15:56

Thanks lisianthus! xx

OP posts:
sarah293 · 07/02/2010 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thefinerthingsinlife · 07/02/2010 16:02

Thats so mean .I wasnt married when i had my dd at 19, and we didnt get married until she was 18 months.

Now im 22, we have a house we own, been married nearly 3 yrs, and ive just given birth to my ds.
Both mine and my husbands parents want us to marry asap after we told them we were preg (especially his as they are christian) we said no we will do it when we are ready and we so glad we did.

Dont let yourself be pushed into doing something, just to make your parents 'happy'. Parent sometime feel they have a 'right' to tell you what to do even when your perfectly capable of making a responsible descision. Talk to you mum and tell her how she's made you feel or if it's easier talk to your dad and get him to talk to her.

Good luck x

momofnearly2 · 07/02/2010 16:04

YANBU

I had the same reaction when I got pregnant at 22 with my Ds but from my step-dad not my mum.

He turned round and said "Don't you think they should be married?" My mum replied "That's so bloody old fashioned, and anyway you do realise if they get married then you'll be paying for the wedding?" He soon shut up after that.

I would just smile sweetly and ignore. And Congratulations!

mrsboogie · 07/02/2010 16:07

nip it in the bud now or you'll be nagged until the baby is born. It's ridiculous to suggest you will end up in a council flat simply because you are not married - any more than if you were married and split up, or are they suggesting that your partner would fail to support you and his baby in such an eventuality??

You should only do it if and when you want to and never to keep someone else happy. Don't get railroaded into it for the sake of someone else's perception of the correct social conventions.

so tell them straight up that you don't want to hear any more about it - if they think there's a chance of persuading you they will keep nagging and pushing.

laweaselmys · 07/02/2010 16:11

Congratulations

DP and I have just got engaged - our DD is 10 months, and we are 22.

Wait! We had been talking about getting married and were very committed, but I am so much more excited about having DD at the wedding and what it will be like than I would've been if we'd done it while I was PG.

Get some cracking life insurance and then you are covered legally in all the important ways.

GettinTrimmer · 07/02/2010 16:20

Has your mum always been like this?

She sounds very forceful, also very traditional.

Just tell her calmly it's your life. Congratulations btw

Rhuidean · 07/02/2010 16:24

Tellher she doesnt need to know the date as she isnt invited. We got married with no guests at all and it was perfect!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/02/2010 16:35

Presumably she has form on this ?

It's a real shame her first words on your pregnancy couldn't have been supportive (and her second, too). She does sound old-fashioned.

You sound like you know exactly what you are doing. I am quite jealous actually - sounds like a good time for you to have a baby and still maintain your career !

Just make sure you get the legal stuff done if you aren't going to marry

Original poster
JazzieJeff · 07/02/2010 17:34

Thank you so much everyone! The irony is; my parents actually split up temporarily when my mum was pg with me (and they were married!) she went back to live with her parents for a while I think before my Dad went to get her back. So I'm kind of thinking that if we were going to split up, we would have done it by now! I just think a shotgun wedding is HORRIBLE with a capital H and just for all the wrong reasons. DH feels very hurt, since for all their 'oh, we really like him', he feels like it's a massive slap in the face IYSWIM. Obviously, we're going to sort out life insurance as soon as we've finished our house move (just too much all at once otherwise). Also, I'm not just going to slam it in day care as soon as humanely possible, but a point will come where I will have to so I can go back to working a normal day, but again it is flexi - time so it'll be between 4 and 4 1/2 days a week when baby is between 12 and 18 months. I would love to stay at home more, but at some point I have to get out there and do what thousands of other Mums do and earn some money! Giving up work would be finincially incredibly difficult and seems counter - productive with a child to support. Yet she seems to think I'm going to ditch it in nursary as soon as I get the chance! I'm not, but at some point I've got to get out there and earn to support my baby! I'm also lucky in that I quite enjoy my job, and wouldn't particularly want to give it up. I just feel down because this is meant to be one of the happiest times of my life, and I feel so confused and not even able to ask my own Mum anything I really feel like I need to.
Thank you to everyone for their opinion; you don't know how good it is to feel that I'm not the first! xx

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 07/02/2010 17:34

Rhuidean - just want to say I like your name

bibbitybobbityhat · 07/02/2010 17:43

She has a clumsy and perhaps thoughtless way of expressing her care and concern for you.

Of course she needs to take a step back and accept that this is your life and she doesn't really have a say in anything you do. It seems she finds it difficult to put up and shut up. However, I think you are possibly a little naieve to think that just because they are your parents they should react with unconditional approval at every major life choice you make. Perhaps they should, but many parents find it very difficult to do so.

It really wasn't very long ago that they were your legal guardians and entitled to make your decisions for you.

Anyway, I think you'll get a happy outcome with this is you act maturely, take control, and have a long and sincere heart to heart with her.

Rhuidean · 07/02/2010 17:48

Ooo thank you Trillian, it makes me feel rather Wise

JaneS · 07/02/2010 17:51

She'll get over it.

It'd be pretty irritated if I were you, but I bet if you'd done it the other way round and had a big white wedding already, she'd be asking you 'so, when will you have kids?!' It's sods law that mums must always find something wrong with your choices.

Original poster
JazzieJeff · 07/02/2010 17:55

bibbity; I don't want her to leave me alone or anything, it's just I don't get this need for a shotgun wedding. I didn't expect her to approve, but at the end of the day there's a baby on the way who needs love and support, and surely we don't need to be married to make good parents. We do want to have a nice wedding, just not right now when we've got so much else on our plates and tbh, we've not really got the money to spare!

OP posts:
Rhuidean · 07/02/2010 17:55

Sorry Jazzie, I sounded a little flippant in my first reply. If its any consolation my mothers first, second and third topics of conversation started with 'well things can go wrong you know...' I hadnt known but it wasnt the right time at all! Nothing did go wrong thankfully. Its so hard to get it right. MIL didnt speak at all, possibly for fear of saying the wrong thing! She should do that more often!

Disenchanted3 · 07/02/2010 18:00

They just want to show off and have a posh do I suspect.

Why not get married at a registry office in a few weeks if you don't want a huge wedding, you already feel you are amrried because of your beautiful sounding ceremony so why not just make it legal here too.

BTW if I were you I would do the above but not invite any friends or family, just find 2 people to be witnesses off the street on the day ( i love the idea of that)

Then tell your parebts' yep we got married, heres a polaroid pic to frame'

Original poster
JazzieJeff · 07/02/2010 18:04

LOL disenchanted3! I would LOVE to do that; don't want to provoke total wrath from her though! I have thought about just cracking on with it this week though

OP posts:
BritFish · 07/02/2010 18:49

or, take your parents out for a celebratory lunch with dp's parents and any close friends you want there to 'celebrate the baby news' and just get them to the registry office instead! they can hardly leave and miss their own daughters wedding right! :D
or just ignore them and point out with a big smile that the marriage/baby equation doesnt keep couples together, as they should know...
if you're feeling cheeky!
congrats btw!
and the ceremony you have had sounds amazing, im jealous!

ILovePlayingDarts · 07/02/2010 21:42

JazzieJeff,

Congratulations, and don't worry about getting married. My DP and I are still happily UNmarried at 23 years and counting (plus 2 dcs).

We might get married at the 25 year point, or on a significant date, etc, but I'm not pushing it cos it's not important. We've got all the legal stuff covered, including wills.

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