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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel ganged up on a bit? (a bit long, sorry)

26 replies

SerendipitousHarlot · 06/02/2010 10:18

Sorry this might be a bit long - but I don't want to drip feed if I can help it.

A couple of weeks ago my sister asked me to go and stay with them for my nephews 16th birthday, which is today. I explained I couldn't, for various reasons, including work, money etc, but she badgered me a bit, and I will admit it pissed me off a little.

A couple of days later, seemingly out of the blue, I get a call from my mum - telling me that I am negelecting my family - not making enough effort to visit, etc - you get the picture. I took it all on the chin - admitted that I was a bit shit at keeping in touch, but also defended my position as the only one that works full time and doesn't drive (they live 150 miles away, btw).

On Wednesday, dd received a letter from my sister, which I read
It was extremely manipulative, and pretty much the whole letter was asking my dd (12) to persuade me to visit more, how much we're all missed, blah blah. No mention, or any interest shown about my dd either.

So. I lost it. Wrote them both a letter explaining that I was pretty angry, and that I feel like they're mounting some sort of campaign to make me do their bidding - and it's not on.

Now they've both really turned on me It's got really personal. To the point that I've turned my mobile off before I say something I'll regret.

How do you handle this? This is all so out of character for me - I'm not confrontational really, least of all with family. But I'm not a doormat either.

Do I just leave it? Carry on fighting? What?

Thanks.

OP posts:
SeaTheStars · 06/02/2010 10:32

invite them to come to you, would that be possible?

or could you get away with phoning them more often, or emailing?

lisianthus · 06/02/2010 10:36

Sounds annoying but "acceptable" up until the letter to DD. The letter to DD is not really on. Dragging a child into their argument is unfair to her and undermining to you.

Given that you have genuine and sensible reasons that make visiting difficult, why are they putting the onus on you to visit? I think they are very unreasonable and unkind.

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 06/02/2010 10:40

SeaTheStars they come here a few times a year and I go there a few times. I think it's perfectly reasonable how much we see each other. I speak to my mum a few times a week on the phone as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 06/02/2010 10:42

lisianthus

Exactly. That's what has made me fly off the handle. My sister denies that the letter was manipluative - she says that she just wants to see her. And my mum says that my sister would never do anything so underhand

It's got to the point this morning where I just want to tell them both to stay away from me. To be fair, it's my sister that's keeping on, but everything she is saying is about her and my mum as a "we" iyswim.

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 06/02/2010 10:50

well she did do something so underhand didnt she?
how awful and manipulative.
what did you dd feel about this?

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 06/02/2010 10:53

She agrees with me. Obviously I had to confess that I'd read her letter - and she said that she would never have 'dared to show it to me' because she knew it would make me angry. So if a 12 year old can see that it would make me cross.... I can't be all wrong, surely?

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 06/02/2010 10:56

how long would 150 miles take to drive to?

on the other hand, you wouldnt want to go there now would you.

how often do you meet up anyway?

as others have said, suggest they come to you, or meet halfway perhaps?

Flyonthewindscreen · 06/02/2010 10:59

Well if you feel that you visit them a reasonable amount of times each year and they don't feel this is enough, its up to them to visit you. I know families don't work along logical lines though...

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 06/02/2010 11:12

Now I don't want them to though, Kamer.....

My sister just refuses to accept any responsibility at all. Her last text this morning said 'you can shout and scream all you like, it doesn't alter the fact that you are wrong about everything'

I'm so angry.

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 06/02/2010 11:37

they knew it was his birthday, if they wanted you that badly they would have told you more in advance, surely?
they can't reasonably expect you to drop everything.

lisianthus · 06/02/2010 11:41

Sounds like your DD has more sense than your sister.

YANBU.

at your sister's text. Nice way to make someone want to visit you. "shout and scream all you like" indeed - sounds like she doesn't listen to you when you are calm, and she doesn't care when she has done something to make you justifiably annoyed.

I'd take a break from all this for a bit - go out for a walk and do something nice with DD.

TBH, this would make me so cross I'd have to go out for a walk as otherwise I'd probably send something rude back.

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 06/02/2010 12:39

I may have already done so lisianthus

As I say, it's all got very personal. I can tell I'm angrier than usual due to the fact I'm so calm. Like... white calm, dykwim?

OP posts:
lisianthus · 06/02/2010 16:48

Well, hopefully being upfront about it will get your message across to them. If not, you are always free to give them a time-out from correspondence afterwards!

I really hope that this is a one-off and not a recurring pattern in the way they treat you/have expectations of you though.

Pikelit · 06/02/2010 17:13

I'd be inclined, when calmer, to write to both sister and mother saying how sorry you are things escalated into such a big issue but that you cannot live in their pockets for all sorts of practical reasons. Also, that as a method of persuading you to visit more often, their was shit! However, you intend to move on from this without ill-feelings and hope they can do similarly. This last bit is probably a lie but it does let you take the Moral High Ground.

Veritythebrave · 06/02/2010 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2010 17:34

my mum once sent a similarly manipulative and self-centred text to my dd and my neice

I went absolutely apeshit at her

targeting a child to make your point is wrong

yanbu

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 06/02/2010 17:54

I have marvelled at my own self control in not replying at all for the rest of the day

It's not really my mum that's the problem - she said her piece, I listened, and it was done. But my sister has gone mad.

I do have issues with them, both of them, if I'm honest. Massive mother issues, where stuff has gone unsaid for all these years... so I don't really want to open the floodgates, or I shall never stop.

OP posts:
parakeet · 06/02/2010 18:10

I think the other posters are right that you should try to take some "time out" from the row before it all gets out of hand. I would also recommend NEVER having a row by text message.

I think your original intention to turn your phone off for a couple of days (if practical) is the right way to go.

Then I reckon Pikelit's letter suggestion is spot-on, perhaps with the addition of a request that if you disagree about anything else in future, to please avoid drawing your daughter into the discussion, as it's just unfair to get children involved in rows between adults.

GettinTrimmer · 06/02/2010 18:35

at your sister sending a letter to your dd.

She very much wants to make you 'do your duty' and visit more often, just seems your sister feels powerless because she doesn't see you as often as she'd like.

Family dynamics are so difficult, resentments just go back years - one of my friends doesn't talk to her mum and sister, just seems so sad, so hope something gets resolved.

clam · 06/02/2010 18:41

I would be incandescent with rage if I were you.

How DARE she?

Go off-radar for a while. Do not engage. At. All.

Let them creep round you. And what incentive is there at the moment for you making all the effort to go there?

twoistwiceasfun · 06/02/2010 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 06/02/2010 21:25

She won't leave me alone. I haven't engaged all day, I'm trying to be the bigger person. But she's sent me another message suggesting that I have depression.

I am really, really angry, and finding this so hard. I'm bubbling with rage

OP posts:
Megatron · 06/02/2010 22:18

Ignore ignore ignore. I live 400 miles from my sister and have done for 9 years now. We go to see them about 5/6 times a year - they have NEVER come to us despite numerous invitations, because 'it's such a long way' or 'DD doesn't travel well' (neither does mine) or numerous other excuses. She is always asking us to go and last week told me that I need to make more of an effort! I haven't been back in touch since and I won't because I'm so angry. Your sister is obv looking for a fight by sending you these texts so if I were you I would ignore them completely until she can pick up the phone and speak to you in a civil manner.

TottWriter · 06/02/2010 23:44

YANBU. I am, frankly, stunned that someone could be so manipulative to send a letter like that to your DD. That's a low blow.

If this goes back a long way, which it sounds like it does, is it worth taking the (albeit slightly drastic) step of changing your mobile number so that you aren't harassed by texts from your sister? At least that way you don't completely lose your phone.

If you only see your sister a few times a year, do you really know your nephew well enough to be a vital component of his sixteenth birthday? Honestly, when I was sixteen I was pissed off that I got dragged to a castle with my grandparents instead of being able to see my friends. It sounds like your mother and sister have 'big happy family' issues, which is something to steer well clear of if it's not your thing.

I agree with the other posters that you need to cut contact for a while. You've tried being polite, and that hasn't worked. The silent treatment is far more productive than an all out verbal battle, and there will be less opportunity for hurtful barbs to reach you. Let them work their way around it when they've calmed down - and maybe screen any more post for your daughter where the postmark is from that part of the country. If she's tried it once there's no guarantee she won't do it again.

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 07/02/2010 08:04

I have ignored it all night. It's been difficult to say the least. The problem is that I want to call my mum today - but I'm having issues dealing with how she has sided with my sister.

That sounds so incredibly childish written down

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