To have argued with DH over this given that his mum has died

[isthistoomuch]

I have name changed, and wasn't sure where to post it either. But I am throwing myself open to be told IABU.

So a bit of background. We found out before Xmas that MIL had terminal cancer, and prognosis was not good. Since then she has got very poorly, very quickly and died peacefully at home in the small hours yesterday morning. Over the past few weeks DH's drinking has gotten worse (averaging 2 bottles of wine a night) but he has been worrying over his mum so I have left him to it. It seemed to be 'what he had/wanted to do' to cope. A few nights ago DH drunk 3 bottles of wine, came to bed at 3am threw up everywhere and then drove to work at 6.30am. I was furious. We had a calm chat when he got home from work about how I felt that despite all he was going through that level of drinking was not acceptable. he agreed, said his mum wouldn't like it and said it wouldn't happened again. Thursday night, the same happened again except he didn't drive to work as when he woke his brother rang to say their mum had died.

Yesterday he handled everything very well. Tears and sadness yes but he said it was a relief she was no longer in pain etc. Last night DH starts drinking. I went to bed at midnight he refused to come. i woke at 3am TV banging out, so i came downstairs to find him still drinking. I asked him to come to bed he said 'no'. I went to the kitchen to discover he had drunk about 3 bottles of wine. I left it and went to bed - he has to grieve in his own way. He came to bed at 5am, waking me and DS in the process. I came downstairs at this point with DS to discover he had drunk another half bottle of white wine and half a bottle of brandy. DH has never drunk spirits in the 10 years I have been with him. The brandy was for cooking FFS.

About an hour ago he came down and claimed he was sober, he is actually still drunk imo. I told him he was out of order that it was too much to drink despite hius grief. His mum would be horrified. Plus we have 2 DC's (14mth & 3yr) I think he went to far. he claims I am a heartless bitch and he'll do what he wants and drink what he wants.

So if you are still reading this....AIBU to ask him to curb his drinking a bit?

YANBU - but give him a few more days to work through the initial loss - can you call cruse for advice?

YANBU... I would be very worried about why he has turned to alcohol in such excessive amounts so quickly. Does he normally drink much? And, regardless of being sick, drinking that much the night before means that the alcohol will still be swilling around his system for many hours the following day. What if he goes out in the car and is over the limit? Never mind the possibility of killing or injuring someone else (and that' a big "never mind") if he is prosecuted for drink driving will he lose his job? I would...

So, no YANBU but I don't know how you handle this and help him to express or cope with his grief in a better way.

I'm sure his comments aimed towards you were just because he was drunk and he's redirectly his anger at the loss of his mum on to you.

You are not unreasonable to be worried about his drinking and to try to help him to understand the damage he could do to himself if he carries on down this path.

I think that perhaps you need to do it differently. You are probably coming across as attacking him - telling him it's "out of order" etc. When really, you should be giving him shedloads of tlc, sitting up with him instead of going to bed, giving him lots of time to talk, sitting and listening to him as he rages against the unfairness of his mums death etc etc

I can see from your post that you are angry because you care, however, to him you perhaps seem like you don't care / understand?

don't focus on the drinking. Focus on him. Sit up with him, listen to him, hold him, make him see that you are there for him even at silly o'clock and that might help him to get through this.

Sorry for your loss.

YANBU for being worried about the amounts he is drinking, driving afterwards and being around the kids in that state but this is a very recent event for him.

Perhaps you need to leave him to it (within reason) for another few days.

Is he close to his brother maybe they could talk about this together?

Yes belle, I was furious he had driven to work. He would almost certainly lose his job if he was stopped and charged. He usually has a glass or two of wine 2/3 nights a week, perhaps a couple more than that at weekend. So I am genuinely concerned by the amount he is drinking. But despite being 33 I have been blessed by not having to deal with a lot of grief in my lifetime and I have no idea if this is a 'normal' reaction to such a loss, and that I am not thinking of what he is going through enough iyswim.

Would he be open to some kind of professional grief counselling? He is bound to realise that he can't carry on like this. I would say that his reaction is in the 'normal' range of reaction to a close relatives death, but he has to realise that he is going to really damage himself and others if it carries on for much longer. He is not really going to be able to work through his grief properly while he is almost permanently drunk - I do feel for him, but also for you, it must be awful watching him do this to himself.

Thanks for the advice.

Heqet, I think I should have stayed up with him but I was so tired, I knew the DC's would be up early (they always are) and my parents are away at the mo, so i can't offload them there to have some time on our own.
Counselling, I personally think that it would probably help him but not sure DH would agree to it. I think I would have to see how he gets on over the next few weeks before suggesting it.

YANBU to be concerned, but he is grieving, and whilst the behaviour he is displaying would be completely unacceptable in a normal situation, this is not a normal situation. He is feeling a huge huge loss and doesn't know how to cope - this is his way of blocking out the pain he is feeling.

I never drink spirits but needed a stiff brandy to even think about going to bed in the first few nights after my dad died - without wanting to make you feel worse, unless you have been through it you can't possibly know how earth shattering such a loss is at first.

So, as others have said, be there for him, and try to understand that if he loves you and your children and doesn't normally drink to excess that this phase will pass quickly. He is not doing this to hurt you, in fact he probably doesn't really know what he's doing at the moment.

Could you remove the alcohol from the house?

If he had been left alone it might be different.

But he has family left to help & support him through it.

Perhaps he was already relying on alcohol to "cope" & this has made it obvious?

I have lost 2 very close relatives-such that at the funerals I just about howled like a wounded animal but it never occurred to me to turn to drink.

My husband went through a period of heavy drinking after his mum died suddenly three years ago. It was a way of dulling the pain. I did tell him how concerned I was but it gradually improved over the course of a couple of months, once the initial shock began to fade.

I agree with heQet really. His mum has only just died at a time when he hasn't even had time to absorb her terminal prognosis. I don't think you should be using what his mum would think as a reason he shouldn't be drinking - emotional blackmail won't help. You need to try to be as supportive as possible - that way he's more likely to open up to you rather than retreating into a bottle. Mind you, he may not want to talk yet. My husband didn't at the time, because he didn't see the point, it wouldn't change anything.

It is going to be a long haul I'm afraid, but will be much more bearable for both of you if you can tackle it together.

This is not abnormal behavoir after such a loss, and even though he was prepared for it it will still be a terrible shock. You arent unreasonable at all to be concerned, cross, worried about how it affects you and the children but tbh he probably cant help it. If I hadnt have been fully breastfeeding a small one when my mum died I would have hit the bottle a bit too, I think. I almost went to the doctors to ask for some sedatives just to block it out.

The loss of a parent is hard to imagine before it happens to you but it really is quite terrifying, I couldnt believe the world could keep turning. Even though your DH has responsibilities to you, his children and his work right now, which he will be aware of, it is difficult to square them with the way you feel inside - ie everyone else is carrying on "as normal" which is impossible for the bereaved, and this can create its own conflicts.

I think that this time is a very diffciult time for the partner, as you are grieving yourself but will naturally be left will more of the responsibilities and will be on the end of some difficult behavoir from the bereaved OH. But this will get better with time, especially once the funeral is over. I'm sure that your DH does not mean the hurtful things he said but is having trouble squaring his own emotions with your ability to keep going IYSWIM.

What you probably both need is some time along together, can you get someome to help out with childcare ?

However recent the event and however much he is suffering, if he is driving after putting away that much, then that could be some other family ending up bereaved. I do agree to some extent with you having to put up with his behaviour- but you can't let others be put at risk.

I would offer him love and support, tell him how you understand, but also tell him that if he takes the care when he's over the limit then you will ring the police to have him stopped.

his mum has just become ill and died, suddenly and unexpectedly. that is a huge trauma. You both need to take time off and spend some time grieving. No way should he be driving anywhere whilst in this state of shock, nor should he be at work. No, his drinking isn't acceptable, but I agree with a previous poster, you need to be spending some time comforting each other. Don't leave him alone with nothing but a bottle for company. Do you have anyoen who can help with the kids so that you can focus on each other?
A mother dying is a huge thing. Don't underestimate the repercussions and don't expect it to be something done and dusted in a few weeks.

I'd get rid of alcohol from the house at the moment. Try and get him to have a good cry.

And definitely try to get him to take time off work.

Thanks again everyone.

I have poured away the last of the brandy, he drank everything else last night. He laughed at me and said I was being stupid and something along the lines of he was old enough to go to the shops and buy more.

He has cried but not really since her death. I would love to leave the kids with someone today and go for a long walk with him or something, but as I said my parents are away. The only other people who have the DC's are DH's family and they are all too upset and dealing with their own LO's at this awful time. I know I need to let him do whatever he has to and just be there to hold his hand through it. But it just seemed excessive. But as someone said its not something I can grasp unless it has happened to me.

BTW he has rung work and told them he won't be in for a while.

So, his died, like 2 days ago?

TBH, NOW is not the time to address his drinking in terms of amount. It sounds to me like you have let the anger build up.

Give him a break, but lay down some ground rules: ie he will NOT drive with alcohol in his system.

I think perhaps you should have had this conversation a few weeks ago.

It is worrying that he is using alcohol as a coping mechinism

I have lost a husband and a father so am well versed in grief

You need to spend time with him, can someone have your DS? Even if you spend a few nights up all night with him, he needs to know you are there and not judging him. I totally agree that turning to the bottle to this extent is not a good idea but I think you need to leave it a few weeks to see if it continues or not. If it does then maybe get some advice from Al-non or some similar sort of association?

he is grieving and using alcohol as crutch.no more alcohol. get dh some comfort foods his fave.make some individual time (can someone baby sit) and let him ventilate his feelings.he is hurting

get sick line from gp for gh.some time off work,sleep,eat well

and he will need your support.

I have to say this, sorry: I think you have been blindingly unreasonable. Don't get me wrong, his drinking/driving is not on either - but the man is obviously in serious emotional pain. Have a heart, listen to him: why are you leaving him alone grieving and drinking in the sitting room anyway? Would you like it if he left you alone in your pain?

He's dead right to take leave from work and not go in in such a mess.

And pouring the booze away ain't going to help either: he'll buy it if he really wants it.

You need to be strong for your husband and kids now. Take care of your man, and dont be so unfeeling as to say things like "what would your mother think"? Jesus give the guy a break.

I never said to him 'what would your mother think', he said it a few days ago after his drink/drive episode. I simply thought it and wrote it down in my OP. I accept that I ABU but I'm not that vicious!

I would love to sit up all night with him if thats what he wants. But I can't I have two young DC's and no-one until Tuesday to help with them (when my parents come home from their holiday).

You aren't being unreasonable. I am pretty amazed that he can get through that amount of alcohol. Was he a heavy drinker beforehand?

I would be worried too. Yes, his mum has died and he has to grieve. But drinking so much so regularly is a very good way to become dependent on alcohol.