Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To have argued with DH over this given that his mum has died

41 replies

isthistoomuch · 06/02/2010 07:57

I have name changed, and wasn't sure where to post it either. But I am throwing myself open to be told IABU.

So a bit of background. We found out before Xmas that MIL had terminal cancer, and prognosis was not good. Since then she has got very poorly, very quickly and died peacefully at home in the small hours yesterday morning. Over the past few weeks DH's drinking has gotten worse (averaging 2 bottles of wine a night) but he has been worrying over his mum so I have left him to it. It seemed to be 'what he had/wanted to do' to cope. A few nights ago DH drunk 3 bottles of wine, came to bed at 3am threw up everywhere and then drove to work at 6.30am. I was furious. We had a calm chat when he got home from work about how I felt that despite all he was going through that level of drinking was not acceptable. he agreed, said his mum wouldn't like it and said it wouldn't happened again. Thursday night, the same happened again except he didn't drive to work as when he woke his brother rang to say their mum had died.

Yesterday he handled everything very well. Tears and sadness yes but he said it was a relief she was no longer in pain etc. Last night DH starts drinking. I went to bed at midnight he refused to come. i woke at 3am TV banging out, so i came downstairs to find him still drinking. I asked him to come to bed he said 'no'. I went to the kitchen to discover he had drunk about 3 bottles of wine. I left it and went to bed - he has to grieve in his own way. He came to bed at 5am, waking me and DS in the process. I came downstairs at this point with DS to discover he had drunk another half bottle of white wine and half a bottle of brandy. DH has never drunk spirits in the 10 years I have been with him. The brandy was for cooking FFS.

About an hour ago he came down and claimed he was sober, he is actually still drunk imo. I told him he was out of order that it was too much to drink despite hius grief. His mum would be horrified. Plus we have 2 DC's (14mth & 3yr) I think he went to far. he claims I am a heartless bitch and he'll do what he wants and drink what he wants.

So if you are still reading this....AIBU to ask him to curb his drinking a bit?

OP posts:

princessparty · 06/02/2010 16:16

YANBU.For one thing he has to experience his grief and work through it.He isn't going to be able to do that if he blocking it out with alcohol every night.2 days will become 2 weeks then 2 months.

hatesponge · 06/02/2010 16:57

I understand you are concerned for your DH, clearly he cant drink to excess and drive the next day, that is wrong, but it comes across from your OP that you are seeking to lecture him re his 'unacceptable' behaviour, rather than thinking ffs, my MIL has died, how can I support my DH through one of the worst experiences he will ever have to face?

I think unfortunately that the pain and grief you feel when losing a close family member is almost unimagineable until you've actually been through it. I lost both my parents in my early 20's - with my mum I felt for weeks as though I had a stone on top of my chest crushing me. I had no idea that you could literally feel physical pain with grief. When my dad died, like the OPs DH I turned to alcohol, difference was I was single, so went out drinking most nights of the week, and shagged around a lot - throughout I remember clearly all I really wanted was for someone to care. To say they were there for me, and that it would be ok.

speaking from my experience, I think you need to spend as much time as you can with him - but accept he will need to be on his own as well, or with other family. encourage him to express his feelings to talk not just about the loss of his mum, and the unfairness, but also about her generally. please dont leave him alone at night, try to stay up with him - I suspect if you I appreciate you have to be up early etc but his grief is so raw, you need to put him first atm, even if just for a short while.

OrmRenewed · 06/02/2010 17:02

People deal with grief in many ways. When FIL died I was to all intents and purposes a widow for the best part of a year, and a lone parent for the last 9m of it. You can't dictate. I would leave it a while (apart from pointing out the obvious risks of drinking and driving for example). It may well improve on it's own.

almostreal · 06/02/2010 17:07

I disagree with those saying now is not the time, I would be very worried that he could make himself seriously ill drinking that amount of alcohol in such a short space of time.
Yes let him get own with grieving but you should still be able to say thats enough when he's going to such extremes.

Tamarto · 06/02/2010 17:19

At some of the replies on this thread, would you all be so reasonable if her DH had killed someone you love while drink driving?

Would it be ok because they were grieving?

Which part of she has no one to have the children is hard to understand, not everyone does ffs, how is having the OP shattered and trying to deal with her DCs and her Hs grief going to help anyone?

OrmRenewed · 06/02/2010 17:28

Grief doesn't 'help' anyone, in the same way that depression doesn't 'help'. It takes you over.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 06/02/2010 17:31

YABU - a bit but YANBU to be worried.

Did he only start drinking heavily when he knew his mum was terminally ill and going to die soon? If so, make it clear that if he is going to drink he has to make sure he doesn't wake you or the children up, will clean up any mess and will not drive to work. He could still be over the limit and could hurt or kill someone.

If he has always drink heavily on occasion he has to know that it can't go on and he needs to be healthy for his family.

I am sorry for your loss. How are the children coping?

twoistwiceasfun · 06/02/2010 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumeeee · 06/02/2010 17:36

YANBu but I also say give him more time to griev He needs your support not arguements at the moment. My FIl died a couple of weeks ago and although my DH doesn't drink much. He does get a bit cross about trivil things at the moment but I've chosen not to argue with him about this but just be there for him

Original poster

isthistoomuch · 06/02/2010 17:51

Thank you all.

DH and I had a proper chat about my concerns this afternoon (DVD time for the DC's). He did understand why I was so upset and has said he will not drink that much again and certainly not get behind the wheel of a car. And he said that I was right, he was still drunk this morning and started to sober up about 2pm. He is currently feeling very ill. But has just walked to his Dads, still won't take the car and rightly so.

Fab , the drinking got worse when she went into hospital shortly before Xmas. I appreciate my timing was poor to tackle the issue, I was just so worried for him this morning when I realised how much he had drunk - it all came out wrong. Although DH bears me no ill feeling.

And thanks for asking after the DC's. DD doesn't really get it I think, I am going to get her a book to help try and explain things better to her.

OP posts:

EmmaBemma · 06/02/2010 18:21

Glad you had a talk - I know from experience this is a hellish time for you too so it's good that you're communicating with each other.

Restrainedrabbit · 06/02/2010 19:07

Glad you managed to talk, that is progress We have no family locally so appreciate it is hard to get babysitters in an emergency.

scottishmummy · 06/02/2010 19:38

you pull together as family and couple in times of strife to support each other

such a sad thing to suffer bereavement.things dont immediately improve but gradually over time gets less raw

notjustanumber · 06/02/2010 20:30

Tamarto, I dont think anyone thinks drink driving is reasonable, under any circumstance.

But its pretty hard to be reasonable when you are recently bereaved.

OP, I'm glad you got some time together. Its hard not to take it out on eachother but you will get through it and be stronger.

mamaduckbone · 07/02/2010 17:52

I'm glad you've managed to talk OP.

Just a thought...I first found mumsnet when I lost my dad, at 1am when I couldn't sleep for grief and felt like my world had ended, and it helped more than anything else tbh.

I could download all the feelings I had without feeling I was burdening my loved ones, and 'met' others who understood what I was going through because they'd been there. I don't know whether your dh would entertain the idea of posting on a forum, here or elsewhere, but it was my biggest help.

Good luck - the first days are the hardest.

maristella · 07/02/2010 18:26

so sorry for your loss xx
when my grandmother died by father said he felt like he had been orphaned
also the fact that your mil was suddenly so ill must feel so cruel, it's a real misjustice for the woman who cared for him to have been so ill and in so much pain.
please stay up with him, your dc's will be fine if you are a bit tired. talk to him, talk about your mil and how you can best celebrate her as a family.
we had a lovely book for my dc when we had a bereavement, it really helped him. i just looked upstairs and we no longer have it, and i cant remember the title im sorry.
just please be patient, exercise zero tolerance with the drink driving obviously, but your dh really needs your love and support right now

Flip

1 2