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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious at friend's mum

61 replies

dorie · 05/02/2010 23:48

My dd is 8. Yesterday she was invited to her friends home after school for a playdate. She regularly goes to this friends house and visa versa. Her friend had slept over ours last week.

Friends mum called me at 6pm to ask whether it would be ok for dd to sleep over. I asked dd if she would like to. She begged for me to agree, saying that friends mum was taking them to McD's and she could borrow friends pj's etc - I know the family and there are no concerns about hygiene.

I spoke to friends mum again and agreeed that dd could stay over and asked her to call me if there were any problems and that I would pick her up - no matter what time through the night.

DD now tells me that she cried all night because she had to sleep on the floor and that friends mother had gone out with her friends leaving the children with a babysitter.

I am furious!!

OP posts:
mumto2andnomore · 06/02/2010 11:04

Seems a bit odd,the babysitter must have stayed the night if she took the children to school in the morning ? If she really was crying a lot they should have rang you poor thing. The best thing to do if you are brave enough would be to ring the mum and ask her exactly what went on.

almostreal · 06/02/2010 11:11

YABU about the floor, it's very common for children to do during an overnight stay. If you were so concerned about her getting a decent sleep on a school night she should have been at home.

YANBU about the babysitter I would we furious beyond belief if this happened to by DC, very sneaky of the other mother not to mention it I really wouldn't trust her after that.

Was the babysitter aware of your DD crying?

Blu · 06/02/2010 11:13

I would be very cross about the babysitter. I would never leave someone elses child with a carer without full acknowledgement and approval.

RockbirdandHerSpork · 06/02/2010 11:14

Depends on what sleeping on the floor entailed. If it was literally on the floor with a sheet then I'd be annoyed. But as is more likely it was sofa cushions etc then it's no big deal.

Would be annoyed about the going out thing though. Why did the mother not mention it? Very odd.

cory · 06/02/2010 11:15

We don't have a spare bed but have still hosted numerous sleepovers. Most children seem to enjoy our somewhat haphazard arrangements. Though I would expect dd to share with a friend if there was only one coming.

RumourOfAHurricane · 06/02/2010 11:25

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RumourOfAHurricane · 06/02/2010 11:26

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Mumcentreplus · 06/02/2010 11:30

...sleeping on the floor is standard behaviour in a sleep over..I'm surprised the friend wasn't on the floor too!...was she told she wasn't allowed in the bed?

so was she crying because the mum had gone out?..if so why?..is she used to sleeping over?

I think the mum should have told you she was going out (if she had not I would not be happy)...but tbh so long as there was a responsible person in the house I really would not be that bothered...

if you are not happy just dont allow her go to sleepovers with her friend

TrillianAstra · 06/02/2010 11:31

I imagne BalloonSlayer has the story right.

nannynick · 06/02/2010 11:38

Leaving your DD with a babysitter is not on in my view. You were not made aware of that when you agreed to your DD staying over.
I have babysat for families where a friend of a child has stayed over. However the parents were fully informed of the situation and the child was already known to me, as I collected from school quite often. Plus as the babysitter I was asked if I would be prepared to babysit for the family, plus the friend staying over. It was all planned in advance.

Your DD didn't know the babysitter, the babysitter didn't know them. Given that the babysitter wasn't just doing a couple of hours, why did they agree to providing care for an unknown child? Maybe they felt they didn't have a choice. Probably wasn't a great situation for your DD or the babysitter.

Overnight babysitters do exist, though I can't say I do it very often these days. They were probably well known to the family, as it's not the sort of thing an agency would usually supply.

honeybunmum · 06/02/2010 11:46

I think you can sort this out without too much drama or future problems. If your daughter was genuinely upset by the experience then that alone gives you grounds to complain as you clearly stated to the mother that you wanted to be called if there were any problems.
IMO the mother acted thoughtlessly and irresponsibly by not making you aware of the arrangements (and going out on an all night bender!).
If you see her at school have a word there or failing that, ring her. Just say DD was a bit upset as she hadn't realised friends mother was going out. Given sleeping arrangements, you will provide a blow up bed for any future sleepovers and best if sleepovers are kept to weekends so that friends mother doesn't have the responsibility of organising school run and clothing, and DD isn't too tired for school if they stay up giggling all night.
It's not something that you need to go nuclear about and ruin any relationships over but you clearly need to agree some rules and improve communication.

Original poster
dorie · 06/02/2010 23:52

I have spoken to friends mum today. She did not tell me that dd was going to sleep on the floor as she didnt think there would be a problem. DD did not have anything to lay on except the wooden floor and she was covered by a fleecy blanket.

The babysitter heard dd crying but did not go to see her in case she asked to go home and she did not have my phone number. DD knows our phone number and also friend has it in her phone book!

She apparently arranged a neighbour to babysit after the girls had gone to bed so she could go to her friends house. Ended up having a drink and was unable to drive home so babysitter stayed all night.

I let her know that I was not happy about dd sleeping on the floor or that a person unknown to us was supposedly "caring" for my daughter.

The mum said she asked my dd if she would like to sleep over and dd said she would. DD is used to sleepovers as she has slept in two other friends houses a few times. As she has not been expected for her to sleep on the floor in her other friends houses dd was not aware that her bed that night was to be the floor until bedtime. At this time both girls were to sleep on the floor but friend got into her own bed a few hours later leaving dd on the floor.

OP posts:
SecretSlattern · 07/02/2010 00:01

Agree with the other's who said no sleepovers on a school night. Not that that excuses what happened re the babysitter.

It's all very well blaming everyone else for the situation. Yes the other mum was out of order for not mentioning she was going out and leaving the children with a babysitter, but then if your DD was so terribly upset that she cried all night, she could have approached the babysitter and asked to go home. If she knows the phone number, there isn't really a problem with getting in contact with you. If she had a problem speaking to the babysitter, she could have woken her friend and approached it that way.

I agree with BalloonSlayer's take on it and agree that you should just let it go this time.

Veritythebrave · 07/02/2010 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockbirdandHerSpork · 07/02/2010 00:14

The op's dd is 8, not 18. It's all very well saying she could have done this or that, but you're an adult using grown up solutions. Left with a stranger to sleep alone on the floor. Sounds fab I'd be bucking if my child was left to sleep on a hard floor and no cushions, spent all night crying and the so called babysitter didn't go up to her in case she actually had to do something .

Original poster
dorie · 07/02/2010 00:24

DD's friend was aware of her crying and told her to be quiet and go to sleep.

She was crying not only because she was cold and uncomfortable but that she was scared that she was left with someone she did not feel comfortable with. I asked dd this morning why she did not ask the babysitter to phone me to collect her. Her words were "She was not very nice and she shouted at us and told us to get back to f..ing bed when we went downstairs for a drink and a biscuit."

In these circumstances no my dd definately would not have approached the babysitter.

I guess there is nothing I can do about it now. I am just relieved that dd came home in one piece. But goodness knows what could have happened!

The worst part is I know the family and had no issues with them. DD has been to theirs for tea many times. She will not be going again that's for sure.

OP posts:
SecretSlattern · 07/02/2010 00:58

Fair enough Dorie.

gorionine · 07/02/2010 07:29

With the entire story from your DD, (Babysitter knew your DD was crying and did nothing, sleeping on bare floor,being shouted at) + the mother not having bothered to let you know of the actual arrangement, I would not send DD for a sleepver there again.

""DD did not have anything to lay on except the wooden floor and she was covered by a fleecy blanket."" come on, We do not have a spare bed but some cushion on the floor or at least a folded duvet to soften it (+wooden floor probably colder than a carpet) is not too much to ask IMHO

""The babysitter heard dd crying but did not go to see her in case she asked to go home and she did not have my phone number. DD knows our phone number and also friend has it in her phone book!"" The heartless idiot!

""She apparently arranged a neighbour to babysit after the girls had gone to bed so she could go to her friends house. Ended up having a drink and was unable to drive home so babysitter stayed all night."" So the girls probably were not aware at all that mum would not be here?!

If you managed to stay calm when she told you all that, you are a saint!

vanimal · 07/02/2010 08:02

If the neighbour is swearing at the girls (not just that the girls are exaggerating), then you need to let the mum know.

cornsilk · 07/02/2010 09:57

what a nightmare for dd. But sleepovers on a school night! Do people really do that?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/02/2010 10:02

Blimey - that is out of order. I agree that other mum needs to know about what the babysitter is like.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/02/2010 10:04

cornsilk- I don't do sleepovers full stop (at our house). Fortunately my DSs don't seem that bothered about going to them, either (last one DS1 went to, they were up til 2 am watching an inappropriate film)

macdoodle · 07/02/2010 10:38

an 8 yr old sleeping over on a school night, with no fresh knickers etc No way are you mad
My DD1 is 8, her best friend lives across the road, they spend a lot of time in wither house, but always especially on a school night go home to have a good nights sleep in their own bed!
Am shocked that you allowed this TBH, my DD and her friends never actually sleep much on a "sleep over", why did you think it was ok??

cory · 07/02/2010 10:45

With this further information agree that friend's mum was totally out of order. If you have invited a child to a sleepover and let her parent believe that you are going to be in charge, then you absolutely have no right to swan off and not come back. Totally irresponsible.

Your dd's friend seems a bit wet too. If that had been one of dd's or ds' friends at that age, they would have invited the guest to share the bed or at least found some more bedclothes/pillows to go on the floor.

I would not send your dd there again- and I probably would have a word with the mum about leaving your dd with someone who didn't comfort her and didn't know how to contact you in case of emergency.

IncontinentiaBotox · 07/02/2010 10:51

macdoodle little girls of this age frequently lend each other knickers/toothbrushes/whatever for a spontaneous sleepover, and not getting enough sleep for one night isn't going to wreck their Oxbridge chances fgs

it's part of childhood, doing something a bit spur-of-the-moment and less than sensible every once in a while. They're only 8.

such a shame it went so wrong for the OP's dd this time; I wouldn't be impressed about the babysitter or the inadequate sleeping arrangements. Is the friend's mum usually flaky? I wouldn't send dd there again.