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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think babies don't need to 'learn'

69 replies

VigourMortis · 03/02/2010 21:03

I had an email from one of my friends from antenatal class the other day and have been quietly festering ever since.

Apparently, she saw her DD (4 months) was about to fall off the sofa and 'in that split second' she made the decision not to grab her, but to let her fall - because 'her learning curve has to begin somewhere'. W.T.F.

This is the same mum who left me a bit when she said she was dropping a scoop of formula because her DD was constipated and now has her completely weaned at 4m, dropping milk feeds.

DS managed to roll off the futon bed yesterday and I'm still burning with the horror of it and DP and I have totally reassessed the rules of play. But we're doing the learning - not him...

OP posts:

CardyMow · 04/02/2010 01:26

TBH if the baby wasn't hurt, then although I personally couldn't do that with a baby that young, I can sort of see no harm done. I was very about anything like falls with DD, but by DS2, I was much more blase about it if it wasn't serious and the child was unharmed. Definately had a touch of PFB about it with DD though...

HOWEVER the lack of milk is much more worrying - Back when I had my DD, we were told to start weaning at 3mo (sounds horrific when compared to the 6mo they're advising now!), but we were told by the HV's that it should not interfere with the baby's consumption of milk, as it was essential for their growing bones, and if they weren't getting enough milk, it would leave them at risk of osteoporosis at a very young age. THAT'S what would worry me a considerable amount more.

StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2010 07:43

yes, agree the milk thing is worrying. OK she weaned early but surely babies who are weaned early don't significantly drop milk consumption?? usually the reason is "hunger", implying they get as much milk as before and food!

doesntplaywellwithothers · 04/02/2010 08:07

Or could she be reading some baby book that's giving this kind of advice? That whole 'she's ready to drop her 11pm feed' sounds suspiciously like some hyper-rigid routine book (you know, where cuddling too much 'spoils' the baby) or something, and some people follow those like biblical truth, instead of taking in the advice, and tailoring it to their babies.

girlywhirly · 04/02/2010 08:38

I would be worried about this woman's state of mental health. If she has post-natal depression or even psychosis, it can manifest as seeming super efficient, obsessing over routines, putting on a real show of coping well. Sometimes the depressed mind can distort the information it receives, so that she may be misinterpreting what she has read or learned, and this is where the danger to the baby lies.

TheBossofMe · 04/02/2010 09:08

I know several babies that just weren't that interested in milk once weaned, so the reduction of milk taken may just be that.

And dropping an 11pm feed isn't that unusual in a 4mo - I knew DD was ready to drop it when she stopped drinking any milk at her 11pm feed!

I still don't think what she did warrants SS or HV intervention, except maybe a gentle reminder that the guidelines recommend 6m weaning not 4. But as we all know, some HVs still recommend early weaning anyway.

Original poster

VigourMortis · 04/02/2010 09:11

It's hard to know if someone has pnd. She seems the same as the couple of times I met her before we had the babies - very confident and content. She has always been gentle and loving with the baby when I've seen her and as I said her DD is fine.

She just always seems to need to make decisions about her. She weaned her because they decided 'she was getting bored with milk'.

OP posts:

juuule · 04/02/2010 09:27

I'm not sure what you are getting worked up about.
It doesn't sound as though she was 'teaching the baby a lesson'. It was something that happened and she says 'I could see she wasn't going to get hurt.' That's an important point. The other bit
'Nothing like that has really happened to her yet and the learning for life has to start somewhere doesn't it?' does sound a bit blase but if she's not in the habit of putting her baby in danger then I would think it was one of those learning moments for her and she's just trying to be casual about it happening to soothe herself as there was no harm done. She may have made a mental note to be more aware in future. The fact she has told you about it (even if too casually for your liking) might indicate that she does feel somewhat guilty and needs to confess.

As the baby is getting milk, I wouldn't get in a tizz about the weaning either. Baby's were weaned from 3-4m at one time. It may not be ideal but I wouldn't consider it abusive and a reason to call ss/hv.

You have made it sound bad in your thread title and op which seemed to imply that she had deliberately put her child in danger to fall off the sofa and had withdrawn all milk.

I have no idea what the real situation is. If you are concerned maybe just watch and see for now. Mention how you would feel uncomfortable doing some of the things she does and see what she says.

Skegness · 04/02/2010 09:33

She and her baby sound absolutely fine, now you have given more information! She let her baby fall onto a soft surface because she was sure she wouldn't get hurt and she's added purees to her baby's diet but is still giving her milk afterwards. I know early weaning is a heinous crime on mumsnet but it's still pretty common in real life, afaics. I think you are making a mountain out of a tiny molehill and if I were your friend I would be very pissed off that you had broadcast a private email on an internet forum, to be absolutely honest with you.

Rollmops · 04/02/2010 09:52

Why, WHY, can any moron multiply freely at will yet need a licence to drive a car.
Your friend is a brain cell short of a tomato.
[hitting head agains wall]

ImSoNotTelling · 04/02/2010 10:09

She said the baby wasn't going to be hurt, and it wasn't, so where's the problem? She can see herself that it wasn't ideal "call social care on me" and then she give a random justification which sounds like she's just thinking out loud, rather than having a definite approach of letting her baby fall off things...

Re the weaning, she is offering milk after the food, can't see anything wrong with that either TBH.

juuule · 04/02/2010 10:13

Skegness and Imsonottelling summed it up much better than me

ImSoNotTelling · 04/02/2010 10:18

I was just thinking that you had put it better!

I mean none of this stuff is ideal, but it's not the end of the world either. And let's face it none of us are perfect all the time.

nickelbabe · 04/02/2010 10:49

whilst I agree that no harm done, I have to say it does sound a little bit like she might not be coping as well as she's portraying.

BOF's comment resonated:
" Falls can be very serious for babies, who aren't as able to break their fall with their hands. One ten month old i know was recently put into an induced coma when her brain swelled after a fall from the bed, even though she did nt lose consciousness at the time. She may have suffered permanent damage "

just because she fell onto a soft surface does not mean she wouldn't hurt herself: especially as she fell onto the footstool first (potentially 2 head bnags rather than 1) If she hadn't fallen in precisely the right way, then she could have been injured.
(especially if she's not getting as much milk as she should - she's being given milk after food, so she might not be taking as much as she would if she had it before food - it's important to build proper bones)

i have no idea how you should approach her. maybe you should drop in little comments about "someone i know's dd fell from the settee and had to be induced into a coma" etc.
it might make her think a bit.
also, please try to keep in an much contact with her as you can: visit her and get her to visit you. she might learn by example then

Skegness · 04/02/2010 11:14

The "I too have had a falling off the sofa incident.." sounds like she was only trying to make you feel better anyway.

Original poster

VigourMortis · 04/02/2010 11:38

Thanks for all your posts. My personal feeling is that I should do nothing. As I said, whenever I have met her she has been a loving mum and although I am horrified, personally, that given a choice between catching your baby and letting it fall, you would let it fall but I accept that her intuition told her the baby would not suffer any damage. I also think she is open about her methods and because I know she goes to tons of baby groups etc. so she isn't in any way hiding her crazy methods.

I posted because I felt the need to express my amazement that anybody should think their baby would somehow learn from the experience of falling. Re the milk thing, will continue to drop in comments about how solids should be on top of rather than replace milk at this stage.

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 04/02/2010 11:59

I think you're doing the right thing vigour if that helps.

ExpectingtoBU · 04/02/2010 12:13

Bump

juuule · 04/02/2010 12:29

Good point, Skegness.
Taken in that light it could be seen that she may have taken a more light-hearted approach to her baby's fall in an attempt to assure Vigourmortis about her own sofa episode and to be a bit more relaxed. Especially if VM has been telling her that she was guilt-ridden about it.

mumeeee · 04/02/2010 17:41

When my children were babies the advice was to start weaning them at 3 or 4 momths, But even then we were told to make sure they still had enough milk. As for letting a 4 month old baby fall off a sofa well that is unbeleivable, A baby that age has no control over her limbs.

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