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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think babies don't need to 'learn'

69 replies

VigourMortis · 03/02/2010 21:03

I had an email from one of my friends from antenatal class the other day and have been quietly festering ever since.

Apparently, she saw her DD (4 months) was about to fall off the sofa and 'in that split second' she made the decision not to grab her, but to let her fall - because 'her learning curve has to begin somewhere'. W.T.F.

This is the same mum who left me a bit when she said she was dropping a scoop of formula because her DD was constipated and now has her completely weaned at 4m, dropping milk feeds.

DS managed to roll off the futon bed yesterday and I'm still burning with the horror of it and DP and I have totally reassessed the rules of play. But we're doing the learning - not him...

OP posts:

Original poster

VigourMortis · 03/02/2010 21:44

Re the falling incident, I'm going to cut and paste what she said here, in case you feel I've misread it.

"I too have had a falling off the sofa incident, but you'll have to call social care about me 'cos I let it happen! DD did a beautifully choreographed three stage manoeuvre from the sofa to the footstool to the rug. In the split second I had to think about it I decided to let it happen 'cos I could see she wasn't going to get hurt. Nothing like that has really happened to her yet and the learning for life has to start somewhere doesn't it? She pulled 'the face' while recovering from the shock, realised she wasn't actually hurt and rapidly returned to normal.

I would be interested to hear what you think.

OP posts:

stripeywoollenhat · 03/02/2010 21:46

someone needs to sit her down and talk to her about this. if you can't track down her hv, ask your hv what to do. i know everyone's very wary about calling the social, but the baby is four months old and can't learn not to hurt herself

Original poster

VigourMortis · 03/02/2010 21:47

DiffID, I think so. How bizarre, if someone asks you for lunch at 1, to say, leave the keys under the mat, you'll be there at 12 so your 4 month old baby gets her lunch on the dot. Nuts.

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CirrhosisByTheSea · 03/02/2010 21:48

Shows a complete lack of understanding of child development. I would be tempted to e-mail back and pull her up on it because of the utter pointlessness of letting a baby fall when, due to their developmental stage, they couldn't learn anything from it anyway - until she's got muscle control, she can hardly apply the lesson even if the brain was able to process it!

DifferentID I think that's a really crass remark. Gina Ford's book may not be popular on here but no where in that book does she recommend letting a 4 month old baby fall off things

puffling · 03/02/2010 21:51

'Does she have that revolting little "bible" by swmnbn?'

Whatever you think of the 'revolting bible,' it's OTT to suggest it's author advocates deliberately harming babies.

taffetacat · 03/02/2010 21:52

hmmmm......

I have had a few incidents with my DC, as I am sure many of us have, and can relate to the split second to think about it. I think there is an element of knowing you can't get there in time, combined with an in built instinctive danger assessment - she may just have an unfortunate way of wording it, "deciding to let it happen" can be read as " really knowing I won't get there in time so not rushing over".

I wouldn't be too hasty to judge her I don't think.

puffling · 03/02/2010 21:54

I agree taffetacat. The wording of the e mail is different to how the OP recounted it.

CatIsSleepy · 03/02/2010 21:58

christ dd2 fell off the sofa at a similar age and i was in floods of tears-could see it about to happen and couldn't get to her in time, it was horrible

doesn't seem normal to let your baby get hurt if you could prevent it

Original poster

VigourMortis · 03/02/2010 21:59

I hope so, puffling and taffetacat. That's why I've posted exactly what she said.

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/02/2010 22:00

Nope - the email wording doesn't actually change what she did. She might be minimising what happened because she's embarrassed - but why mention it then? She decided to let her baby fall to teach her a lesson. That's clear from her email.

And I think those who were referring to 'that' book were talking about with ref to the rigid routines, not the letting fall off the sofa. Even SWMNBN doesn't advocate that!

differentID · 03/02/2010 22:02

I didn't. All I think is perhaps she's taking everything written in there a little bit too literally at too early an age.

I know she doesn't advocate allowing a baby to fall off a sofa. I have read the thing.

wastingaway · 03/02/2010 22:03

Sounds to me like she hasn't got a clue what's going on and is trying her damnedest to feel in control.
Poor little baby.

Surely your HV could find out who her HV is and speak to them?

It sounds like she needs guidance.

taffetacat · 03/02/2010 22:03

OP - She says " I can see she wasn't going to get hurt" and that she fell from sofa to footstool to rug.

I can't see the problem.

Original poster

VigourMortis · 03/02/2010 22:08

If it was me I wouldn't 'know' that DS wasn't going to hurt himself. His head is soft and not fully formed.

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/02/2010 22:10

tafettacat
whether or not it was potentially dangerous (and you can't actually predict that) she decided to let it happen, thereby allowing her baby to be scared, in order to 'teach' the baby that - what? you can fall off things? Her lack of understanding of her baby's developmental stage and level of understanding is dangerous.

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 03/02/2010 22:13

I see that too Taffetacat.

The actual email reads differently to the OP. I mean the whole learning has to start somewhere, seems off the cuff rather than serious. I would assume that she saw the baby rolling, and saw she wouldn't make it, but that the child would not be hurt. In fact, sometimes if we grab we can do more harm. She does seem a bit blaze about it all, but perhaps that is the way she comes across. I'd be shaking. In fact, I might have done similar, and then quickly whipped the baby up comforting her. The baby wasn't distressed (by her account), so maybe that is why she wasn't. I defo think the earning thing was off the cuff. And babies that young CAN learn (just not those sorts of lessons).

chegirlsgotheartburn · 03/02/2010 22:18

hmmm having read the email,

If she was talking about a 10mth old I would probably think 'fair enough' I am pretty laid back about these things.

But the baby is very young. Too young to let fall off things deliberatly IMO.

I ge horrified looks from friends because I dont rush to scoop up my boys if they trip or stop them clambering on a chair etc. But even I would be very much more protective of a tiny baby.

taffetacat · 03/02/2010 22:19

Hmmmm......

I still think its possible that she's a bit silly, has an unfortunate turn of phrase and is minimising what happened. You didn't see it happen.

TheBossofMe · 03/02/2010 22:27

I suspect she's just "minimising"

The weaning thing is ridiculous, but she won't be the only Mum weaning that early - lots of people are confused by weaning guidelines.

And dropping a scoop of formula is standard advice for very constipated babies (was told to do it myself by doctor from GOSH), so nothing unusual there.

TBH I think those who suggest speaking to an HV/SW about her are being a tad hysterical. Nothing she has done suggests abuse to me.

wastingaway · 03/02/2010 22:38

Not necessarily 'abuse' TheBoss, more that she could do with more guidance. No harm in that, surely.

BitOfFun · 03/02/2010 22:43

It doesn't suggest abuse to me, but very misguided ideas on rearing babies which need correcting. Falls can be very serious for babies, who aren't as able to break their fall with their hands. One ten month old i know was recently put into an induced coma when her brain swelled after a fall from the bed, even though she did nt lose consciousness at the time. She may have suffered permanent damage

TheBossofMe · 03/02/2010 22:44

Except OP has already said that she is resistant to advice.

I suspect HVs wouldn't do anything, anyway...

Original poster

VigourMortis · 03/02/2010 22:45

I don't know if anyone has any ideas how I could possibly approach her. She is by her own admission a massive control freak and her emails are filled with advice on how to do things her way. I see her being extremely unreceptive to advice.

OP posts:

twoistwiceasfun · 03/02/2010 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

VigourMortis · 03/02/2010 23:07

No, two, she is giving offering her milk after her purees. I asked if she was still having 'all her milk' and she said well she's not that bothered but still has some.

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